Dropped the rope now everybody's confused

[allaloneandlost]

No family, friends disappeared since the pandemic and redundancy. Joined groups, voluntary work, night schools since age 18 and tried being neighbourly but got used, flaked on or let down. I stopped being a people pleaser and not coming across as desperate as that puts people off and you attract the wrong sort. No difference.

Since I had to go to hospital on my own a few months ago I finally dropped the rope as I'd had enough of chasing, caring, hoping, wishing, seeing the best in people, making excuses for them and waiting. Another patient, a complete stranger was very kind and that was the tipping point. It was clear I have nobody and from then on couldn't unsee it. I respect people have their own lives, yet only wanted me when it suited.

Since decided not to join anything, stopped volunteering and looking for friends just to get the same result. Found another job but not good so do the minimum. Busy getting qualifications, job hunting moving far away as have somewhere ready.

The last month though a few have reached out with Christmas cards. A friend who told me I was family yet hasn't bothered in years, even after I kept in touch and sent his son cards and presents sent a card and voucher. A neighbour who has never spoken started talking to me last week as I loaded a hire van to start moving. Invited me to call around for a cup of tea anytime.

Another from childhood for over 40 years who made so little effort in return for many years, rang for a chat yesterday and whilst it was amicable, I was distant and kept it brief. She lives three hours away. I visited her many times but she wouldn't come here or meet halfway, without reason. Just took for granted I'll always be there. She doesn't return my calls or letters. She asked if I was okay as I didn't sound right and said she'll call again in a few weeks.

Tbh I don't care anymore. Why are they bothering now? It's sad as there was no need but I'm done being hurt and angry and have also got used to no company. I've completely detached, I had to and they don't like it and are confused. This might be passive-aggressive but I see no point in explaining it to them. I did twice years ago after being used for a few years. People either deny or get aggressive because they don't like I've seen the truth and won't be a mug anymore.

I've not told anybody I'm going.

It would be interesting to hear from anybody who's been there. How did you handle people reaching out when it's too late? Thanks in advance.

Thanks very much for the replies which have been read with interest. You're all very kind. It really is a shame so many relate.

@Windyella Hope you're now recovered and glad they rallied around as that's a genuine situation. Thanks. You found out who your friends were by them stepping up. Reciprocal is spot on! If people want your time and friendship, it cuts both ways.

Completely agree to match energy and not look for close friendships. I swim, read, walk, did voluntary work, night classes and travel and will be carrying on with hobbies being polite in return without expectation or obligation.

I've started stepping back more over the last few years. At a night class I gave a lady a lift home as it was on my way, rather than her husband come out unnecessarily. My choice and didn't expect anything. Was invited in and a friendship started, or so I thought. Then I'd only hear anything every few months when they'd fallen out, only to be told what a good friend I am and we must meet soon. When I called a few weeks later to ask when she was free, got brushed off. Rinse and repeat. Eventually I became unavailable. She was unhappily married, no extended family, wasn't local, didn't work or drive and had no friends. Then they wonder why.

The last night class I went to a nice lady was getting taxis there. Again, on my way. I could have offered and felt a bit unkind but decided not to and kept quiet. We weren't friends, it was situational and nobody's obliged to be friends but then I no longer feel obliged to give lifts or to be either. This lady had nobody except a daughter in university and was terribly lonely but I'm not taking the risk.

This is what it's come to. This is to a point why we have such a lonely society. Some of it's circumstances but most of it in my experience, too many users and then the boy that cries wolf.

@KarlaKK Thanks. Oh yes to this as well. You sound kind, loyal and generous and although don't give to get, instead of people appreciating you and acting accordingly, they take full advantage. The present buying is just manipulative as agree you can't just say yes to look grabby when it should be a nice return gesture. It was very kind of you to help somebody move and they just expected you to do all the work. People are generally lazy and selfish when it comes to friendships more and more and you're correct to be aware and put a stop to it. They'll need company or help one day and you won't be around. Instead putting yourself first and sitting back watching them play out their situations.

@MyFragility Thanks. You do get wise to this as you get older and see the same thing happening. Shame the charity took advantage and expected too much. Most do unfortunately as they tend to be political and it's the same few doing all the work. Then they're crying out for volunteers! You have to be realistic as to what you can and can't do. You have to be fair to yourself.

@DucklingSwimmingInstructress Thanks. There are and I want to believe that as everybody on this thread is, but struggling to see that in rl atm.

Ironically two others reached out yesterday to get polite but stock replies. Shame people only bother now I've lost interest and are leaving. Things will be different from now on that's for sure.

Agree with a lot of what you have said but don’t let these other ‘friends’ make you bitter / overly cynical though, there are still some good people out there, When you move to the new location keep an open heart

I agree with Greyish - keep an open heart. That's what I'm doing.

The friend that asked me if I want a card/present/meal out (when it is something I just do for her) I've known for 40 years, on and off. She's been a good friend in some ways but is very transactional. She keeps a tally of everything. The thing is she forgets what I've done for her, because I don't keep mentioning things like she does. I even gave her my bed for 5 nights when she was having IVF, cooked for her, no contribution from her not even a bunch of flowers. I mentioned this once as she helped me move once and said she was fed up doing things for other people - despite me buying lunch/dinner/bottle of wine and flowers as thanks. She backtracked immediately. I never thought twice about giving up my bed. I usually do what I can do and don't have a mental list if things are equal as I just think over the years of a friendship you help each other where you can and it usually balances out, plus you never know when you'll need help in the future. I've had her stay numerous times, bought lovely food, cooked, keep a clean house - she loves (loved) coming to stay. I stayed one night at hers once and she didn't even change the sheets from the previous person. I think the last straw was last year and I don't think the friendship will be taken up again. She's fallen out with about five people in recent years and just doesn't see what she's like (I'm not talking about the stuff above but she's very hard work - keeps on about stuff over and over to prove herself right, doesn't have boundaries).

Your move will be a fresh start.

I have also found in fifties, people can very much fuck off. Literally. I moved at 50 and left behind all those friends who actually only wanted advice and for me to problem solve.
It's highly liberating.

The key about reprocosity is that it is not transactional at all.

I really have a circle of fantastic friends but I would say there is a healthy bala

They are not one sided. We are there for each other. We support each other and we support each ot

We appreciate the kindnesses from each other. Re really acknowledge the support and kindness from each ot

@KarlaKK what you describe is a CF taker who gives the absolute least she can get away w

I couldn't be around that for a min

But you need to take responsibility for giving far too much, a ridiculous leve

When people give too much they make little of themselves and attract users and CF's who can smell it.

I have been asked a few times to do things by casual friends that would put me out and I have asked myself would I dream of asking them to do similar and the answer was No.

For example I was asked by a mother friend could I drop her child off to her mothers for a month after school as she needed to work later.
It would take me 15 minutes and my car would lose my spare after school space for friends. So nope.

I was a SAHM. She's nice and we have enjoyed a few nice nights out but not close.

My answer was to send her the number of a mother with one child who does after school pick ups for others, for payment.

She said it was "only" a lift and I replied that it probably wouldn't cost much then.

The fact that she answered me with the above gave me the heads up that she is a presumptuous CF. Duly noted.

Stop giving people that are takers the benefit of the doubt and listen to your gut if you feel a tinge of unease.

That is your gut trying to protect you.

Thanks. There are definitely some good people out there.

Very true reciprocal is fair on everybody as it's genuine friends being there to have all that friendship entails.

Transactional is a cold clinical way to be and that's not genuine friendship. People who tally up every favour and penny are not genuine friends, and only see what they've done for others. They forget people who are kind to them until the goodwill goes. Yes, they have form for losing friends and when pushed too far when things are clearly very one-sided, the scales fall from your eyes and you walk away. You're better off without that.

Yes, you have to be very alert to users who sniff out any whiff of kindness. The lift wasn't doing a mum a favour in a pinch who was stuck. This was somebody who wanted long-term favours, who no doubt was doing the rounds for unsuspecting people to take advantage of. When people get wise, one day that lady will have a genuine issue and nobody will help.

Well done on those who refuse to be used and have self-worth.

I think it's hormonal too. Since I've hit peri I honestly really want to suit myself more, and am less compromising than I used to be.
I was seriously ill last year and friends did contact me, but there was precious little done for me.
And maybe that's ok, but it's made me think very seriously about how much I put out in the world and how I need to keep more for myself. I had a tendency to set myself on fire for others, and nearly died because of it.
Spending time in light easy friendships over hobbies is actually lovely and manageable.

You sound like a cool person, you just need to swim a bit more through life and keep yourself afloat.

Know what you mean op. I found that too flaky. One sided efforts.. my cousin only messaged to ask my daughters college results then quiet. I decided to stop being used I think at 51 I dont take as much crap now off people. Its disheartening you do feel does anyone have your back😑

The biology is clear, our estrogen depletes as we age. Estrogen is the giving hormone.
Then our testosterone increases, with it comes our abilty to say fxxk off and find hairs on our chins.
With testosterone increasing our caring loving natures evaporate and our me me me vibe gets turned on.

I think its great even if it means a hairy chin!....I bought a great mirror and a tweezer..sorted.😁

I actually enjoy how grumpy and outspoken I am now!
@Windyella nothing more enjoyable than living life with no more f*cks to give!

@allaloneandlost just to say, I also lost friends in the lockdowns and it's gone round in a circle. I posted a lot on here but Currently not able to talk about it.

one tried to reconnect but I was too hurt by that specific situation, long story. Others haven't unless you count pointless Christmas round robin messages.

I also stopped volunteering though I would restart if it benefited me.

I think if anyone approached me now, I'd ignore it. The alternative would be a huge outburst of hurt.

I'm a bit confused about something though. Sorry if I missed it in your post. The people who have suddenly got in touch - do they know you are moving away?

Sorry, just saw they don't know you're leaving.

@FancyRedRobin Hope you recovered. You find out who your friends really are and definitely an age factor mixed in! In a way it did you a favour as you can put yourself first and care about those who care about you. You're so kind, thanks.

@Mary46 You don't need that and bother less and less.

@Windyella Chin hairs, fresh hell! .😁 Yes, you care less about not caring.

@EmeraldRoulette Shame they left you and that's another load of hurt can relate to. It goes too far for too long despite your efforts, and now you can't get back even if you wanted to as they showed their true colours. You've chosen the best option as to show your hurt, you'd get dismissed or attacked. No point. Wouldn't be as before anyway. You've so much to give and hopefully this is an opportunity to think about what you'd like, even though this isn't the situation you'd planned.

Correct, nobody knows. The move is in a few weeks and I might just tell the childhood friend for old time's sake if nothing else, but nobody else.

Got a train to the new place a few weeks ago for a visit, changing trains at her city. Got stranded by a bad storm as no transport was running. She lives a few minutes away but felt I couldn't go there. I don't ask for favours but I couldn't be sure she'd help given hardly no efforts for years. In fairness I didn't give her the opportunity so who knows whether she'd have let me stay, but I found a hostel up the road. I mentioned this to her on the phone about being stranded and was glad to have found somewhere. I was testing the waters a bit and she didn't say "why didn't you come here?" as predicted which kind of confirmed my thinking, as I knew it would.

That's terrible she didn't say, why didn't you come here. The apathy is so annoying. I think you're best off out of it. If she'd have said you could have come here at least you could say but I didn't feel I could as you've hardly been in touch for years. As it is you're matching her energy which I think might frustrate you long term. I'd go for a clean break but that is me. Do what you're comfortable with.

I have a friend from anti-natal classes, so 27 years ago. We text every few months, have long gaps of not seeing each other due to distance although we're physically closer now, but she wanted to come to my old city as her daughter was going to an open university day they and they wanted to stay. So I put them both up for 2 nights and all was fine. We get on great, she's very generous, easy going. So even though we hadn't seen each other for a while she felt comfortable asking me to stay and I was happy to do it. That's how it should be. I know she'd do the same as she's often offered.

@allaloneandlost I wonder why they've just popped up after a long time, I thought it was something to do with you moving before I realised I'd misunderstood that bit.

Thank you for your kind words. I've had to hold myself back from trying to approach them but I'm glad I didn't.

I find myself thinking I've dealt with it, forgetting for a while and them being upset again. I note you say you were in hospital- sorry to hear that. I must admit, falling ill with no support is now a big worry.

The "matching energy" thing is a term I read on here but I might have misunderstood it. To me, if a friend hasn't made an effort to even reply to messages, then if they suddenly reappeared, I'd see "matching energy" as not replying to them for another six months!

@KarlaKK That's great as that's what good friends are for, and a good time had by everybody! Glad you've both kept in touch, had a catch up and that it works both ways. Hope you can see more of each other. That's so nice.

Yes. If it was the other way around I'd offer. In fact I did numerous times to give her a change of scene and a free holiday when she went through a horrible situation years ago. She didn't and that was her choice but it was offered. I knew she wouldn't get it but just wanted a final confirmation. She knows something's changed but there you go.

If people don't want to bother in the first place, fair enough but when it's over years and they say you're family, a valued old friend, but actions speak louder than words don't they? Just lip service and now I've detached after facing up to the reality. I'll be moving an hour away from her but won't be visiting or inviting.

The last few evenings I've started packing the last bits, applied for another job whilst watching TV. Hardly watched in years so nice to have some self-care!

Hope you're all doing that.

The not offering it even afternoon and being appalled that you didn't reach out means its over.

Fxxk it I would give a bed to a casual friend in those circumstances and most decent people would.

Don't let her know you have moved.
She doesn't deserve it.

OP you have a sounding board here for your move. We are here for you, hairy chins snd all.

On that subject....is there ANYTHING more annoying than feeling the beginning of a chin hair but not being able to quite pull it 'cos your eyesight is gone to shit as well......?#whatfreshhellisthis😁

@EmeraldRoulette Oh I'm sure you have had to hold back as there's so much hurt and confusion at being abandoned. Maybe also after you've had to second guess yourself wondering if there was something wrong and were those people even your friends to begin with? It takes a lot of energy and as you get on with life but now have more time without them, you ruminate now and then which is understandable.

You were correct in not saying anything, however difficult that is because they didn't care about you in the first place and people don't generally take kindly to that so there's no point.

Good point about not matching energy if there hasn't been any!

Thanks for that. It was just a pulled muscle, but a lot of pain happening suddenly for no reason was worrying. You look after yourself as you have to.

This lady popped up because she's now lonely with her son recently leaving home, long divorced and with other family and friends drifting. I thought it was because something had happened like in the past, wanting advice and support. I felt a bit unkind when it was just a chat but whereas I would have been really glad before, we're not really in each other's lives anymore and whilst sad, you get used to that and now it's gone too far.

@Windyella Thanks very much and good point. Sure you would have as people step up for friends in genuine dire straits, or you'd like to think.

In hindsight I should have tried there first and if I'd been turned away that would have been the end of over 40 years of friendship. The fact I didn't feel I could speaks volumes and part of me didn't want to have to potentially deal with the end of such a long friendship of somebody who called me a sister, even though it clearly isn't. She just said she knew where the hostel was, it looks nice and was glad I'd found somewhere!

This is a major city which has plenty of accommodation but generally very expensive and books up fast, particularly considering there must have been a few thousand in this situation. Fortunately I know it really well and knew of a few cheap but safe places to try, but was contemplating I might have had to wait in the train station overnight which isn't necessarily safe for a woman alone.

Hairy chins unite! Oh doesn't it? A magnifying mirror's the answer but then with your glasses, you need one to find the other! Definitely #whatfreshhellisthis😁

Reading all these comments makes me see l expect very little from friends. If l want to meet someone l just text and ask. I don't care who asked last or how long since they messaged me. I just do what suits me. If l fancy a walk l message..great if they can come..no problem if they can't. I actually rarely give it a thought. I actually have a good few great friends and l am lucky to have sisters l can always depend on.
But l would just do what suits you. If you enjoy their company just ask and give no thought to what they do..presuming they aren't mean.
Life is too short not to do what gives you joy.

Glad that works for you and you have friends to rely on @junebirthdaygirl. I started this thread out of curiosity as the damage has been done and reflecting. I don't expect much or keep tally, just what's happened over time and become very one-sided. They aren't mean in fairness, they just don't care and now I'm detaching. Agree about joy and that means having another mindset.

Yes, actions speak louder than words. You have to detach but it goes against my nature so I find it hard. I'm hoping to move in about a year's time and I'll have more opportunities to meet people. Hoping to volunteer too. Planning for a walk with the anti-natal class friend from long ago. Waiting for some nicer weather. Hope the move goes well and you get the job you want.

Your mindset seems set OP and it is as though you are finding the qualities you expect in others. Good luck for your move.

Some people can drift out of you life even for years but bumping into them involves a right in the middle of it catch up.
No hurt feelings just a happy meet up.

But some people think they can treat you as a toy, minimum interest or interaction until circumstances dictate that it now suits then.

That is where I would match past energy, be too busy, and not allow myself to be anyone's convience.

Thanks for replying.

@KarlaKK Yes, actions do speak louder than words. It is very hard to drop the rope, harden and give less but can't blame you for getting fed up after having your kindness taken advantage of. In fact, you'd be unwise not to. Seems like a few of us are moving on! Hope it goes well.

@Colourbrain Thanks and hope you realise your self worth.

@Windyella Yes, there's a difference in seeing a former colleague in the supermarket and having a friendly catch up to being used by people who you were close to or thought you were. Good idea to just be constantly busy which let's be honest, most of us are or can find things to avoid confrontations.