Dropped the rope now everybody's confused

[allaloneandlost]

No family, friends disappeared since the pandemic and redundancy. Joined groups, voluntary work, night schools since age 18 and tried being neighbourly but got used, flaked on or let down. I stopped being a people pleaser and not coming across as desperate as that puts people off and you attract the wrong sort. No difference.

Since I had to go to hospital on my own a few months ago I finally dropped the rope as I'd had enough of chasing, caring, hoping, wishing, seeing the best in people, making excuses for them and waiting. Another patient, a complete stranger was very kind and that was the tipping point. It was clear I have nobody and from then on couldn't unsee it. I respect people have their own lives, yet only wanted me when it suited.

Since decided not to join anything, stopped volunteering and looking for friends just to get the same result. Found another job but not good so do the minimum. Busy getting qualifications, job hunting moving far away as have somewhere ready.

The last month though a few have reached out with Christmas cards. A friend who told me I was family yet hasn't bothered in years, even after I kept in touch and sent his son cards and presents sent a card and voucher. A neighbour who has never spoken started talking to me last week as I loaded a hire van to start moving. Invited me to call around for a cup of tea anytime.

Another from childhood for over 40 years who made so little effort in return for many years, rang for a chat yesterday and whilst it was amicable, I was distant and kept it brief. She lives three hours away. I visited her many times but she wouldn't come here or meet halfway, without reason. Just took for granted I'll always be there. She doesn't return my calls or letters. She asked if I was okay as I didn't sound right and said she'll call again in a few weeks.

Tbh I don't care anymore. Why are they bothering now? It's sad as there was no need but I'm done being hurt and angry and have also got used to no company. I've completely detached, I had to and they don't like it and are confused. This might be passive-aggressive but I see no point in explaining it to them. I did twice years ago after being used for a few years. People either deny or get aggressive because they don't like I've seen the truth and won't be a mug anymore.

I've not told anybody I'm going.

It would be interesting to hear from anybody who's been there. How did you handle people reaching out when it's too late? Thanks in advance.

I'd be pretty horrified if I bumped into the people I thought were close friends, tbh. I bet they'd say "on, we MUST meet up". 🤦🏽‍♀️

Yes very true! Used to say "great" or "when are you free"? but now it would be "won't keep you or must go". Polite but distant, always busy.

The problem I've got with it all is that I would treat an acquaintance like that. I'd be horrified that a good long standing friend hadn't come to me.

With my ex friend I wouldn't treat a stranger the way she treated me. I was treated better by strangers than she did and I told her. Again I would be horrified to know that. She's really critical of others though who treat others badly but she must have felt very special to think I wouldn't walk away. And then to get others onside. It makes you wonder if you knew them at all

The good thing though is that despite living in the same city I've never seen her once. The universe protects us from this.

Exactly as they can't see it. Many think friendship runs itself and others are happy to make all the effort, so they let them. One day it goes too far. Shame it happened to you and it's difficult but you're wise to be aware and act accordingly so you can have other, better people and experiences.

Hope everyone's well!

The last few evenings have been a bit lonely but you find plenty to occupy. Watched the latest episodes of Cold Feet as didn't have time when they were out. Not as good as original but relaxing. Applied for another job. Good to have time to spend as you want!

May I recommend a fantastic series?

"A place to call home".
It's an Australian series, about 5 or 6 seasons.
It's post WW2 and without a doubt one of the most engaging and interesting family dramas I have ever watched.
The sets and outfits are fab too.

So worth watching.
My friend who was very ill started it and she said watching it was like wrapping herself in a big duvet with chocolate and coffee in front of the fire....she really forgot how miserable she was.

Perfect for evening viewing.

Hope your friend's better and glad she liked that. Thanks very much, sounds great! Saw trailers and it looks interesting whilst being from a simpler era. The fashions were great then and better quality. Just the ticket for a cold dark evening.

It's hard because it's such a big loss for me but obviously not for them

I might just be in a funny mood today for a range of reasons but I just got back from a night out and I've been sitting there feeling weird all evening. I'm getting to know people in the area, which I'm grateful is happening. They seem lovely. I suppose I just feel unsettled and unmoored because it takes so long to build friendships and it feels like hard work the second time around.

I guess it's more I still can't believe I'm in the position of having to do it. I'd hope to he over that by now, but no.

I have been feeling weird all day though. There's a sense of isolation that no one really knows me (my closest friend does, but she's not around that much).

not sure if anyone will still be reading this thread but it seemed a good place to share.

Very true, until their lives aren't going good or they get treated the same. Even if they contact you now, it'll never be the same because they've shown you they don't. They may not because they know what they've done and it's gone too far.

Great you're getting out there and they were friendly but it's hard to put yourself out there and not the same. You've come back and there it is again. You're really trying your best and that takes loads of courage.

Good on you OP you've realised your worth & won't let anyone put you down. When you move away make a fresh start and don't look back...hope you're future plans go well and going solo isn't a bad idea, you rather be alone and happy 😊

@allaloneandlost thank you

I don't think of it as taking courage but I have a habit of doing myself down

so maybe the discomfort is that it's a harder thing to do than I've acknowledged or even realised

I think also there's a big difference between human contact and high quality contact. The two people I feel most comfortable with, I sort of got stuck sitting a way from them and they were the ones I really wanted to chat to tonight! Oh well, maybe next time.

sorry, I might just be overthinking. I wasn't 100% keen on going tonight so I'll bear that in mind in future. I have really enjoyed previous evenings with this group, perhaps just having an off day.

Op I hope that you are feeling better after your stay in hospital

I moved recently & I have been fortunate to meet lots of new people. There are some good people out there.

However, one of my new friends, says that we are a mirror & that if we smile & help others, that things should work out to be OK.

I hope that your fresh start works out for you & I wish you good luck

I think at any age there are good people to be found but going in slowly is wise.
The worst thing you can do in a new friendship is offer disproportionate help of any sort.
It messes with the balance and dynamic.

I think being friendly, open, but offering nothing, no help, no lifts, nothing at all is best.
If you meet a friendly new person and they immediately are looking for help, support, starts telling you about drama in their lives, that to me is major red flag territory.
Stay silent, offer nothing, be clear that actually you have a very busy life and watch carefully.

I understand some on MN would think the above is bad minded and negative, but in my view it is about being measured and careful about protecting yourself if you have a tendency to be too generous.

I am very fortunate with my friends but I definitely was sucked in a bit by a few users in my 30's.

@Safxxx Thanks very much and hope things are well with you. People have had plenty of chances for so long while having somebody around when they wanted making the effort and being there. Now it's the other way around and not before time. 🙂

@EmeraldRoulette It is hard and uncomfortable to meet new people and a big effort to put yourself out there. It's the unfamiliar and past experiences will have coloured your view. Quality friendship is very different from niceties. It's usual to have good and bad days and then extra hard to push yourself. Pleased you're going again and hope you chat to the two people.

@AlienAdvancedCivilisation So glad for you and thanks very much. Think we can get stuck in patterns that don't serve us anymore and a change is for the better. Glad moving away has helped so many.

What sort of friend are you wanting or looking for.

@Windyella Agree getting to know people first and see if they're genuine rather than seeing somebody with a kind nature to use. Some are good at hiding it though. You're wise to protect and be fair to yourself, even though it goes against the grain.

I did a night class last year out of interest rather than finding friends for that reason. Nice people who all got on but situational which is fine. Felt a bit mean not offering a lift to somebody who had no transport when it was on my way but that's how it starts. After a fashion, it's "can you take me shopping on the way back"? and creeping up until it's back to it being one-sided. Again. I wouldn't have minded the occasional favour for somebody stuck but it's constant, being used and you can't take the risk.

@spacepies I'm not looking or wanting anymore. Just curious as to why a few are talking to me now after years of not bothering. It's played on me a bit.

I remember a school mum texting me that she was stuck and could I grab her child as she was running late. I did it and she arrived nearly 3 hours later!! Red flag.
I was a SAHM and this was my 3rd child in Reception.

I gently asked about her and learned she was from the area, plenty of family etc.
The following week I got a similar text.
I never replied and deleted it.

She came up to me whilst I was standing chatting to a few mums and said you never replied yesterday?

I answered I didn't know what she was talking about and she said I needed X picking up.
I replied "AGAIN????...after I obliged you last week when you were stuck and you were nearly 3 hours late, are you kidding me???"
She spluttered and said "I was stuck"

I replied "Not my problem"
I completely blanked her going forward.
Because 3 mums witnessed it, word went round that she was a complete CF.

With my first I had got caught a few times, by my 3rd the penny had eventually dropped🙄and it NEVER happened twice.

In fact that incident caused me to not look at messages before pick up time for a while when I was parked sitting in my car.

I love being able to pull down notifications from the top and I have my blue ticks permanently turned off.
So handy.

Most people have stories like this or a variation of it...
The only people that don't, tend to be CFs or are super assertive and wouldn't obliged anyone ever.

I am now much, much closer to the assertive group, finally.

@allaloneandlost "Just curious as to why a few are talking to me now after years of not bothering. It's played on me a bit."

yes, I can imagine. Re the shopping though, I can't imagine how people can be such CFs! I can only recall one major incident of CFery directed at me and she got short shrift.

@Windyella I can't imagine how much more complex this is when kids are involved.

This is one area where I have developed more sympathy. But that in turn puts me off even trying to get to know people who are parents. I said that here before and got told off - but they don't seem to have time for friends.

@Windyella You handled that brilliantly and you get wise to these things but it's a shame you have to. These people have a knack of sniffing nice people out. Problem is if this lady had been genuinely stuck, it's the boy that cried wolf as you don't know if it's genuine or not. You keep to yourself. Everybody loses but don't blame you.

@EmeraldRoulette Shame you have to stand up for yourself but understandable and then reluctant to help others.

True circumstances change friendships. I don't mind that and understand not being their priority. It hurt being shut out though. They could have had a nice aunt figure for their children. Somebody to babysit perhaps.

Hope everybody's well!

After not being outside for a week I went to a retail park when it was quiet and took my time wandering around. Bought a new hot chocolate from Hotel Chocolat called honey hot chocolate, a few magazines and Pepsi have a strawberries and cream flavour. Done a little packing and applying for jobs. Booking a trip to London this autumn. Instead of pointlessly contacting others it's nice to do something positive and have some time to recharge.

I suppose being run ragged with 3 made me a lot less tolerant and i was definitely peri!

Being peri definitely has helped to harden me up.

That sounds like a lovely day.

Have you been googling social activities in your new area like joining walks that you can suit yourself, park runs.
Tennis is hugely sociable too.

Over the past decade 5 people I know got cancer and ever single one of them were badly let down by those they thought were closest too them friend wise, and whom they would have been very good to, and were stunned by much lesser friends who really stepped up.

One friend was practically ghosted by a really close friend and didn't hear from her for two years.

She suddenly turned up at her house all upset as she was backing out in her car to go somewhere, having had a diagnosis and looking for information and support.
She told her she was on her way out and couldn't stop.

She texted her later and wished her the best but couldn't offer her anything as having got herself through it had no wish to revisit it.
Her friend texted her back her shock at her lack of compassion!
Spectacular lack of self awareness.
She felt changed utterly by the whole experience, but ultimately for the better to know the truth.
Very hard when it is very old friends though. A very hurtful shock at the time.

It does but then it's a shame you have to. It's a mixture of that and getting fed up of the same treatment. You can't afford to in the end and have your own family.

That's awful as you take it as a given and at such a difficult time. I understand people handle situations differently and find it hard, but somebody either cares or they don't. There's nothing wrong with saying " I don't know how hard that is or what to say but I'm here for you" and follow through. That's fair, honest and caring. I hope they're okay now but you find out who your friends are whereas people you don't really know or are as close to are kinder. It's strange actually.
It was disgusting a close friend did that and only turned up years later when they wanted something. Just goes to show and I'm glad they were turned away.

I've walked around the area and nearest town. There's a walking group, community centre that puts on a cheap meal one evening a week for anybody and a wellbeing centre doing meditations so that might be worth a look. The leisure centre has a huge swimming pool with cheap membership. The library next door's tiny but has some of the latest books. There's a few lovely charity shops that are friendly.

The two charities I volunteered for have local branches. Shame I've vowed to never volunteer again after getting references, a DBS and months of ongoing training. To be really honest at the moment I'd rather enjoy hot baths, books, getting books from charity shops, some weekends away and watching things as haven't had time for that for over ten years. Perhaps the occasional swim. With work, packing and moving by myself it's been hectic. I hired a van, loaded and did a few trips in a week, four hours each way.

I'm furious today. Three people messaged, one was just a quick "how are you"? Haven't met up with that lady for about a year as she's busy but replied a standard "fine thanks hope you are". Done. The others have pestered me all day even though I said I was busy. I packed today as working all week so stopped messaging back whilst my phone was still pinging. One wanted to call. When I stopped this evening about 19.00, I messaged "I can talk now" and to the other, "I'm free to message", one said "I'm going to sleep" and the other's gone quiet. I was so annoyed. I messaged "I said I was busy and have been constantly interrupted yet now I'm free it goes silent".

It's not all about me. People can't drop everything but I work and am busy sometimes as well. Neither can I but it's still expected I'm available. I'm not. Not anymore. They've sent a kind message back but I'm annoyed and not replying tonight.

Putting people like that on mute is very very helpful and I would highly recommend.
You simply aren't disturbed until you wish to be.
Your new area sounds great, so many opportunities on your terms.
Don't even think of volunteering again, perhaps ever, until such time as you really want to.
How about visiting the shop and doing reconnaissance as to how it is run etc...over the next year.
The meal once a week sounds like a lovely thing to try.
I did meals on wheels years ago one day every couple of weeks pre children and I really enjoyed it.
Once you are in situ you will learn lots more, particularly at the community centre.
I think it all sounds very exciting actually.

I read years ago that people are more likely to enjoy a conversation when they can see it isn’t open ended, that is, when they can tell it will come to a natural conclusion. So if you are waiting at a bus stop - the bus arriving is the natural conclusion and both can relax and chat without wondering ‘how long is this going on for’. And the tip was to build in the conclusion at the start of any conversation, if possible. Because this allows the other party to naturally say, ‘I’d better let you go…’ and both avoid awkwardness.

What I see in your odd flurry of interactions is that they’ve noticed the conclusion of your relationships. And they now feel comfortable to offer you tea (moving van means they can feel good about the interaction without any fear or actually having to put the kettle on), or they can send you a message and feel good about ‘making the effort’ when in reality no effort has been risked.

The others have pestered me all day even though I said I was busy. I packed today as working all week so stopped messaging back whilst my phone was still pinging. One wanted to call. When I stopped this evening about 19.00, I messaged "I can talk now" and to the other, "I'm free to message", one said "I'm going to sleep" and the other's gone quiet. I was so annoyed. I messaged "I said I was busy and have been constantly interrupted yet now I'm free it goes silent".

I've experienced some of the issues with friends that you've described OP, but reading this suggests there's more to this than just other people being disappointing.

The way you describe this and how it made you "furious" is striking. It sounds so resentful and almost childlike. Have you considered looking at your reactions in therapy?