Dropped the rope now everybody's confused

[allaloneandlost]

No family, friends disappeared since the pandemic and redundancy. Joined groups, voluntary work, night schools since age 18 and tried being neighbourly but got used, flaked on or let down. I stopped being a people pleaser and not coming across as desperate as that puts people off and you attract the wrong sort. No difference.

Since I had to go to hospital on my own a few months ago I finally dropped the rope as I'd had enough of chasing, caring, hoping, wishing, seeing the best in people, making excuses for them and waiting. Another patient, a complete stranger was very kind and that was the tipping point. It was clear I have nobody and from then on couldn't unsee it. I respect people have their own lives, yet only wanted me when it suited.

Since decided not to join anything, stopped volunteering and looking for friends just to get the same result. Found another job but not good so do the minimum. Busy getting qualifications, job hunting moving far away as have somewhere ready.

The last month though a few have reached out with Christmas cards. A friend who told me I was family yet hasn't bothered in years, even after I kept in touch and sent his son cards and presents sent a card and voucher. A neighbour who has never spoken started talking to me last week as I loaded a hire van to start moving. Invited me to call around for a cup of tea anytime.

Another from childhood for over 40 years who made so little effort in return for many years, rang for a chat yesterday and whilst it was amicable, I was distant and kept it brief. She lives three hours away. I visited her many times but she wouldn't come here or meet halfway, without reason. Just took for granted I'll always be there. She doesn't return my calls or letters. She asked if I was okay as I didn't sound right and said she'll call again in a few weeks.

Tbh I don't care anymore. Why are they bothering now? It's sad as there was no need but I'm done being hurt and angry and have also got used to no company. I've completely detached, I had to and they don't like it and are confused. This might be passive-aggressive but I see no point in explaining it to them. I did twice years ago after being used for a few years. People either deny or get aggressive because they don't like I've seen the truth and won't be a mug anymore.

I've not told anybody I'm going.

It would be interesting to hear from anybody who's been there. How did you handle people reaching out when it's too late? Thanks in advance.

Thank you all.

Meals on Wheels sounds so rewarding and quite fun. Well done for helping. You would have made a difference and the interaction as well as the food. A former colleague after we took redundancy is working for social services calling elderly clients all day to organise their meal deliveries. She's so happy and has a quick chat with them. Must make their day! You can't do everything though and were wise to step back whilst raising a family. Perhaps you can do that again?

It's a bit frightening as well as exciting to be honest as it's a completely different and unfamiliar area but if you're on your own anyway, might as well! It's interesting to see what's out there, isn't it? No expectations, just enjoy for what it is when settled and had time to relax. Might be fun.

I just stopped answering for a few hours as it was getting too much while packing. Mute's a good idea but shame if it comes to that.

Exactly about no effort being made. It was just because they're bored I think and had time on their hands. Didn't take the hint when after a few messages I said I was busy today and would message later. Good analogy.

Shame it's happened to you. There is more to this. Yes it's been disappointing but it's overstepping boundaries. It's unfair not to bother with somebody for a long time then constantly pester after I made it clear I wasn't available at the time. That right has gone. I know why they've messaged. Because they're bored on a cold winter Sunday and had nothing better to do. That and the overstepping makes me angry and resentful. Childlike I'm unsure.

I did have therapy for a few months and told nobody until a friend mentioned they were in therapy and I said so was I. He then prevented me from attending appointments by calling numerous times while I was on the telephone to the therapist. He felt threatened by me seeking help elsewhere. I then heard his wife say he was controlling. It damaged the friendship as it's nobody's business what I do and it was fine for him to have it but not me. I tried to restart it with the same therapist but felt self-indulgent and it was spoilt so stopped. That was just before having to go to hospital and then after starting a different mindset.

@allaloneandlost the people who messaged today, do they know you're moving?

good you're making progress with packing. I made a total disaster out of mine with poor planning 😳

I did have therapy for a few months and told nobody until a friend mentioned they were in therapy and I said so was I. He then prevented me from attending appointments by calling numerous times while I was on the telephone to the therapist. He felt threatened by me seeking help elsewhere. I then heard his wife say he was controlling. It damaged the friendship as it's nobody's business what I do and it was fine for him to have it but not me. I tried to restart it with the same therapist but felt self-indulgent and it was spoilt so stopped. That was just before having to go to hospital and then after starting a different mindset.

Finding this hard to fully understand, but it sounds appalling. He was calling at your house to sabotage your therapy? When you are settled in your new place perhaps think about therapy again. It isn’t self-indulgent, it’s about aiming to make the most of your future, and dump any patterns of thinking or acting that are holding you back.

It sounds like you’re holding on to resentment and maybe that’s leading to you being dropped? People don’t want friendship to be hard work - I want to be able to drop in and out of activities. I do find it hard when I’m blanked but I don’t chase after a certain point and I try not to take it personally. Try some counselling.
I think you should try to meet more people again once you’ve moved. Remember that other people have their own lives and problems. E.g. I wouldn’t expect to stay with someone without notice or for them to accompany me to appointments.

While it’s good to be cautious, be aware others face their own difficulties and most people are just doing their best despite falling short of expectations

I did have therapy for a few months and told nobody until a friend mentioned they were in therapy and I said so was I. He then prevented me from attending appointments by calling numerous times while I was on the telephone to the therapist. He felt threatened by me seeking help elsewhere. I then heard his wife say he was controlling.

This confused me as well. He called round to your house when he knew you were having the phone apts? Did you tell him the day and time? Why did he feel threatened? How did you hear his wife say this and why is he so invested with your situation when he has a wife? It’s almost like you’re describing a sibling. Have you known him a lot longer than his wife and he feels he can dictate to you bc (sigh) he’s looking out for you and you need him to? (An interfering, overprotective wanker) 🙄

Well that male "friend" sounds unhinged and deeply disturbed.

I think the mistake yesterday was to respond at all.
You were busy.
Perfectly reasonable not to respond at all to any friend until hours later or even the next day.
You were busy.

As for the move, definitely therapy would be a great ideat to reinvest in.

In your place I would buy Mel Robbins book Let them, or start following her on Instagram.
She has a lot of views I share about focusing on your needs and not focusing on changing others.
Meet them where you are at.

I would suggest you turn your friendship volume to light, breezy, surface, only for the next year.

No favours, no indepth sharing, just remaining light, positive and breezy.

Don't be overly available, have stock phrases for getting out of stuff and not over committing.

Start from a position of being happy, busy and full of positivity for your future.

This is a new start and you can do it and model someone who actually is not obliging and interested in being overly involved.

It will give you space to watch people and see them clearly before you possibly decide they may be worth some extra effort.

Anyone attempting to overshare or trauma dump on you, back away from fast!

Just an idea.

It’s a very interesting thread @allaloneandlost

You could really help yourself even more than you already have done by muting your phone when you are busy or want peace or whatever.

If you happen to see there’s a message or missed call, it doesn’t matter, do not feel pressurised into responding. Just wait until you are ready.

When you respond and they’re not ready, so be it. Does it really matter? If it’s a genuine friendship, it will naturally resume by one of you anyway.

Learn to control your reaction time, it’s your prerogative. They don’t know what you’re up to and it doesn’t matter if you’re doing absolutely nothing and just want some peace. You don’t have to be at anyone’s beck and call, you can do it on your own terms. People soon get used to the pattern.

How's everyone doing?

It occurred to me today I should redo my will. There's a couple of people named in it who I haven't seen for five and eight years respectively ... that's how long they've been saying "we must meet up."

I guess it never occured to them that they're actually in my will. Which is interesting because I guess maybe they never knew that they meant a lot to me. But then I'm puzzled.... Why don't they know?

I am not worth a huge amount of money, 😂 but they might have liked to give their kids a bit of money. Who knows...Maybe they have become very wealthy in all the time they have been saying "we must meet up".

If this was a soap, I'd send them a message saying, hey I'm about to write you out of my will - does that incentivise you to meet up? 😂

Hope you're all well. It is an interesting thread. Hope others gain from this.

@EmeraldRoulette No they don't. There's so much to do isn't it and when you're on your own? You did your best. That's a good idea as you could leave to charity. They don't know because they don't care and you did. If this was a soap, everyone would be alternating between the shops and pub!

Should have been clearer. The therapy was over the 'phone which I started over an historic issue that took it's toll. The work friend and I have been colleagues for a few years, a friendship developed and we met for coffee every few weeks. He doesn't have my address.

He had work problems for over a year, on sick leave for months whilst I stepped up. He mentioned having therapy and I thought I could trust him so disclosed. He knew the time and day as we talked about therapy generally. He kept trying to phone me during one session. I didn't answer but my phone kept beeping. It was a new 'phone and I was unsure how to mute his number whilst on a call without hanging up.

Not long after that he asked to meet when I had therapy. I said I could afterwards but at the beginning of the session he kept phoning again. I found it stressful and unable to talk properly, I ended the session and later messaged the therapist to discontinue. It was too difficult. I told him I was annoyed and was quite upset. He found it difficult I was being supported by somebody else but it was my business. In fairness he insisted on calling the therapist to set it back up but I couldn't continue.

I don't know why he was so invested when he's married and it's inappropriate behaviour. I was also annoyed about it being okay for him to have it but not me.

His wife came as well a few times for coffee after him and I became friends and mentioned he was controlling but half joked she controls the money.

I cared about friends a lot and did a lot for them with little expectation other than they bother now and again. The hospital thought at the beginning there was damage to my heart and these people knew that, although it turned out fine. I've been there for others for less. People have their own lives as do I but if you want good and close friends, you have to make a little effort and I thought that's what they were. If you don't and expect little, fair enough. Now I've walked away and it's too late after years some are reappearing. I was resentful, now I don't care about them in return.

Shouldn't have responded as much Sunday but stopped eventually. It started again Monday. I replied I was working and turned the phone off. Yesterday and today have been quiet. I've enjoyed swimming. The phone will be going off more if needed. Yes, we can't be constantly available and have to have time off sometimes.

I've ordered the book, thanks. Good advice as you learn things differently! If people want too much you suddenly find yourself busy or keeping quiet. Not telling people anything and if they need somebody to offload to, make excuses and leave. Keeping it light and not starting a precedence doing favours so they don't use or take for granted. Join interesting things for the enjoyment.

I don't understand why you stopped therapy because it got interrupted a few times. Surely after the first time your phone beeps you put it on silent/turn it off.

I also don't understand why you are so resentful about people not contacting you when it seems like every day people are trying to be in touch with you.

You sound like you have martyred yourself to others whether they wanted you to or not, and now you resent them for your choices.

You don't have to be friends with anyone you don't want to, but be clear you're the one making the choice to disconnect from others. It doesn't sound super healthy to me.

Because it fed into feelings of being there for others and I wasn't as important. I was wrong and have been firmer with him. My attitude has now changed accordingly.

I've explained this numerous times. I contacted people I cared about regularly, not all the time pestering and respected their lives. I work full-time, studied and did voluntary work so had my own life too. Just checking in now and then, offering to meet occasionally and making efforts which they were happy to accept. These were friends I'd known for three years to over forty who increasingly didn't bother over the last few years when I've always been there.

There was no more I could do and there's only so much they can push me away. They chose to disconnect. I've just followed suit. Being taken to hospital in June was the tipping point. Lately they've been back in touch but it's too late. They had plenty of chances. They now seem to be a mixture of offended, confused and maybe curious but that's on them. I thought about explaining to them but people either deny or argue and again, it's too late to make any difference. Just started this thread wondering if others had experienced this.

My priority is moving in a few weeks, settling into a new house, applying for other jobs, putting myself first and enjoying hobbies and interests in a new area. Happy to be polite and friendly whilst keeping it light and not getting involved. It's a new exciting start.

@allaloneandlost "I've explained this numerous times"

you have yes. I'm puzzled at the (few) posters who don't seem able to grasp it but I suspect that they are people who have good family and/or don't see friends as more than acquaintances.

re Mel Robbins I found her podcasts useful in a work way but didn't listen to much. However, after she did a thing saying "I am your friend, you might not hear from me for years but I would come to your funeral" I stopped listening. I started a thread about it 😂

So I don't know what the book is like but it's very easy to spout "let them" when you have people who can help when you are ill and aren't mostly alone for every tiny aspect of life.

OP, you know whats best for you, but my view is explain diddly shit to them.

Silence/unavailability is my preferred tool when I come across behaviour that I don't like.

They are not real friends and you owe them nothing.
Certainly not explaining shit to them and them then arguing the point.

Simply don't reply and be short, busy and unavailable if they contact you.

My friend was treated very poorly 15 years ago by a very very close friend when her relationship broke up as he cheated on her.
Her friend sided with her ex, as her partner had become friendly with him.

My friend was doubly hurt, and that she was quickly ghosted by her, after years of friendship.

Fast forward 6 years later and she runs into her at a very smart do with her super successful husband who adores her.

Turns out the old friend is moving 5 minutes from her and was all screechy and thrilled at the thought of having her bestie close by🙄.

Two weeks later she turns up at my friends door expecting to be asked in and all hugely impressed and her admittedly very impressive home.

My friend kept her at the door, said she was busy and wished her luck with her move, but had no interest whatsoever of reigniting the friendship.

She told me she hadn't a notion of entertaining someone who had treated her like that when she had been so hurt.

She said she would often see her when she was out and about in her busy circle, with a kicked puppy look on her face.

Karma is a bitch.

@EmeraldRoulette Agree and you can only fully understand when you're in the same boat, with the luxury of having family around to be there for each other.

Good point. Haven't heard the podcasts but that's a bit pointless! If you're a friend be one now, not when it's too late. Your thread sounds interesting :)

It's a simple but effective book saying get on with your life and how rather than stressing about wasting time chasing, worrying and trying to live up to expectations or expecting others to. Any wants or goals you have, take action. Thanks @Windyella sometimes we need a reminder!

That's an awful way to treat a close friend already dealing with a breakup caused by betrayal, rather than being supportive. That's not friendship, it was just situational and when it suits. They have to learn the hard way, but then it's too late. Glad your friend has a much better life with a great husband and has the confidence to value herself.

Agree about not explaining. It's a shame adults can't have reasonable conversations to resolve and move forward like "I miss your company, we haven't spoken in ages and it would be nice to meet up. Are you free next Wednesday evening?" and then see what they come back with, but it doesn't work like that so I won't.

Yes, they aren't friends. It's just force of habit but that's now been broken since Sunday. Be busy and keep it short. Won't be meeting again. We've all got better things to do, eh?

Had to go into the office today as my electricity was going off this afternoon. Unknown to me the former friend was there. He mentioned having been off sick again and made a few throwaway comments against his wife. I was polite but busy. Had calls but kept the headset on anyway to avoid chatting and said a cheery "goodbye" to the team on leaving straight afterwards. No hanging about for a chat. It is a shame but best not to get involved.

Hope today's been good for you all!

I did similar at 50! I've put down roots now, have a new circle, and am very very happy.

Lots of people thought i was nuts but to I felt like it was the right thing to do. Trust your gut (as is so often advised here) and go for it. Be happy.

Op I found people weird after covid. Nobody made efforts. I took a step back too in my 50s. I dont chase friends now. People are so flaky now I find.

I have a very small family, and we aren’t close. So friends mean a lot to me, and I’ve always tried to make an effort.
And as others are saying, as I’ve got older, there are some situations/ friends I simply won’t tolerate any more.
The one who never contacted me - ever. I asked her to call me for once- she never did then acted all indignant when I bumped into her…..
Those who talk non stop about themselves, all the time. No interest at all in me or my life.No thanks.
Then the ones who weren’t there when things got bad , then came scampering back after many many months. Just No.
i know people are busy, that life can get in the way. But these were people that were making me feel used.
.

@Windyella "Turns out the old friend is moving 5 minutes from her and was all screechy and thrilled at the thought of having her bestie close by"

genuinely wondering what goes on in such a person's head. One possibility is that people forget what happened. It took me a while to accept that one but I do see it as a thing now. I think some people do forget stuff like this.

also I think some people freeze frame others in their minds. Literally don't think of them as different than when they last spoke.

I agree with this, I also think that perhaps people don’t necessarily think about what other people might value as being a good friend.

So they might think of themselves as a good friend because for instance, they value regular contact, and decide somebody else isn’t a good friend because they don’t give such regular contact. In fact the other person may be an introvert that needs less contact, but perhaps values somebody being there when they reach out. It’s a two-way street, but in a nuanced way. For example, what feels like being a good friend to one person might feel like pressure to another.

OP - perhaps the friends aren’t looking for the same thing as you.

I also very gently suggest that you don’t seem to mention anything that you might not have done perfectly either? It’s usually a little complex.

I 100% wish you the best in finding future happiness

edited to add that I just realised how late I am to this thread, and probably it’s just better to ignore my post! OP, I hope all is going well with you.

What’s the outcome that you want, @allaloneandlost? To be left alone, or to be more cared for?

I absolutely think you are correct.
She could barely remember what happened because 18 months or so later the ex moved up the country and they lost touch, so she just moved on and forgot about him, just like she had my friend.

When they met it was like they had just lost touch, without the back story.

My friend had moved on too and really is so happily married with a lovely man.
She could have welcomed this old friend of hers into a lovely circle of friends, which is the type of person she actually is.
But something about the way she was all OMG how fantastic I have my old pal back to support me and include me in her fab life, just bugged the shit out of her.

It reminded her of the raw hurt she felt with the huge blow of being told he was cheating on her, and her good friend siding with her boyfriends "good friend" that he had only met through her.

She said she had no intention of being generous. She didn't want to be generous so said nope, not happening.

She didn't want her in her circle and she told her friends why, hence how I heard the tale...after a few vinos😁

@Windyella "But something about the way she was all OMG how fantastic I have my old pal back to support me and include me in her fab life, just bugged the shit out of her."

yes, it would bug me too. To be honest, the concept of people totally forgetting the past has actually only just occurred to me in the last couple of days. But it's still something that can only happen if you are not important to people. In your friend's case, it's even worse because she was ghosted. I'm glad she's happy now.

@AgathaKrispie Thanks. Glad things worked out for you and you're happy. Was the best thing for you and I'm wondering if people didn't want you to move as it didn't suit them.

@Mary46 Agree with that and shame you've experienced. People have retreated into their own bubbles and with the col many have little time, energy and money for themselves, let alone others. But then fairer and honest not to be friends with you in the first place than let you down.

@IsawwhatIsaw Guessing they knew you had few people and took full advantage of your loneliness, using you and taking you for granted instead of valuing. You were correct to take a stand, difficult as that is because you're better off without the one-sidedness. It's fairer to you finding real friends or be lonely, as they were never yours to begin with. Fair enough people are busy and have stuff going on, but to repeatedly treat you like that isn't.

@AlertBrickBear Fair point and thanks! I understand that. People have different expectations and wants but that could have been negotiated. We all have our own lives to lead and that was respected, but not bothering over a long time and using was too much in the end.

I'm not perfect by any means and not saying I've never done anything wrong, but people knew I cared and was there. I cared too much and was treated like a mug which I was fully complicit in, but they were happy to accept it. Apart from speaking to the work friend who behaved inappropriately, no argument but it was mentioned as I felt uncomfortable, there's been no issue I'm aware of. No arguments or nastiness. That's what was so difficult. Even more, why some are bothering now? Yet another one messaged yesterday. If they no longer wanted to be friends, they've been given the option of letting it drop as I have.

@TheBossOfMe To be left alone by those who didn't bother. It's too late and probably to go back out there looking for other friends. Don't want to be cared for as I can't take the risk anymore or deal with the pain it causes.
@
@EmeraldRoulette @Windyella It is astonishing many have so little thought and forget these things. I'm glad this lady is happy after a double betrayal at a time when she would have hoped the former friend would have been there. It shows exactly how little some people mean to others. Glad you enjoyed the wine!

Another customer in a queue earlier started talking to me. Just a laugh with a stranger, hardly friendship but that's fine. Light and breezy staying positive and not getting involved!