Dropped the rope now everybody's confused

[allaloneandlost]

No family, friends disappeared since the pandemic and redundancy. Joined groups, voluntary work, night schools since age 18 and tried being neighbourly but got used, flaked on or let down. I stopped being a people pleaser and not coming across as desperate as that puts people off and you attract the wrong sort. No difference.

Since I had to go to hospital on my own a few months ago I finally dropped the rope as I'd had enough of chasing, caring, hoping, wishing, seeing the best in people, making excuses for them and waiting. Another patient, a complete stranger was very kind and that was the tipping point. It was clear I have nobody and from then on couldn't unsee it. I respect people have their own lives, yet only wanted me when it suited.

Since decided not to join anything, stopped volunteering and looking for friends just to get the same result. Found another job but not good so do the minimum. Busy getting qualifications, job hunting moving far away as have somewhere ready.

The last month though a few have reached out with Christmas cards. A friend who told me I was family yet hasn't bothered in years, even after I kept in touch and sent his son cards and presents sent a card and voucher. A neighbour who has never spoken started talking to me last week as I loaded a hire van to start moving. Invited me to call around for a cup of tea anytime.

Another from childhood for over 40 years who made so little effort in return for many years, rang for a chat yesterday and whilst it was amicable, I was distant and kept it brief. She lives three hours away. I visited her many times but she wouldn't come here or meet halfway, without reason. Just took for granted I'll always be there. She doesn't return my calls or letters. She asked if I was okay as I didn't sound right and said she'll call again in a few weeks.

Tbh I don't care anymore. Why are they bothering now? It's sad as there was no need but I'm done being hurt and angry and have also got used to no company. I've completely detached, I had to and they don't like it and are confused. This might be passive-aggressive but I see no point in explaining it to them. I did twice years ago after being used for a few years. People either deny or get aggressive because they don't like I've seen the truth and won't be a mug anymore.

I've not told anybody I'm going.

It would be interesting to hear from anybody who's been there. How did you handle people reaching out when it's too late? Thanks in advance.

I have also just been through the “Friends and Acquaintances” Editing System. When I was young, I ran around babysitting, dropping meals in, buying presents and giving lifts too. I always felt like the clunky one in the playground when picking up my kids, and was the one everyone rang when they were “stuck”, often being left with a kid overnight, etc, then finding out that their emergency was a social event with mutuals that I wasn’t invited to.
Now I’m in my early 50’s and it’s almost a year since I nearly died of sepsis. I have had serious health issues (that now have an explanation and diagnosis) and of course everyone headed for the hills. I need a heart transplant. I haven’t advertised this, but word has slowly trickled out. Lots of “Sending all my love and healing wishes, you are in my thoughts” & “Oh we must catch up when you’re better” and lots of “I would have called/texted earlier but I didn’t want to intrude…” and my favourite “We would have visited but didn’t want to contaminate you…” messages that I have either just ignored or openly laughed at. During this time I was lucky enough to have had the support of my fabulous DH and three young adult kids, and I also had three friends consistently checking in, visiting, bringing decent food to the hospital, etc. Those three were people who hadn’t demanded my energy or resources like the others, but have been there consistently for a chat and a laugh and they absolutely showed up. They weren’t the ones I heard from a couple of weeks before their birthdays or Christmas, for whom I had to run around finding thoughtful gifts… They’d been there on the periphery all along demanding nothing. Those three women and my lovely family have made me realise that it’s not me that’s broken or missing anything, it’s the rest. I’m absolutely not focused at all on the people who didn’t show up, but am only willing to prioritize the needs and feelings of the people who did.

@Fraaances What a great post and I'm sorry to hear that. Such a worrying time and I hope they find you one as you have people to be around for who are around for you. You don't have the luxury of running around caring and helping those who clearly don't. Your priority's been brought into sharp focus, spending time with those few.

You cared, were a great friend and wanted to be accepted to be met with lame excuses and meaningless gestures that were too late and meant nothing. They either contacted you when they realised it would make them look bad when it was too obvious to ignore, because they felt guilty and wanted to appease themselves, were paying lip service, or all three. And it wasn't even genuine with real support offered. Not only have they nailed their colours to the mast, it's insulting.

Speaks volumes the most caring wanted the least. They just want you. So glad you have the support you need and above all, deserve.

@allaloneandlost Thanks all alone. It’s been a ride. I feel like now people have heard about my illness I’m their new raison d’etre on social media. I have had to ask several of them to please respect my privacy and not be an attention vampire. Talk about the best possible way to get the friendship ick….. I know I’m so very lucky to have my little bubble of people, but I do find myself becoming enraged when I see the fb posts “My best friend needs a heart transplant…. I’m sick and worried about her, blah, blah, donation awareness, blah blah…. Genetic testing, blood donation blah, blah, blah…” I have popped back very quickly to bluntly let them know that I have best friends and that they have been very present in my life all through this, and that they can find another cause to use for virtue signaling.
Anyhow, I don’t know if this will help, but personally I think someone who reads and likes hot baths (now forbidden to me, damn it) sounds right up my alley. I hope you love making your new house your home and eventually find a little tribe of REAL people who CAN see your light, whether you choose to show them or not. X

My ex friend who so badly let me down after decades of friendships bad mouthed me mutual friends. One blocked me (it's no loss all she did was bang on about how great she was all the time) and another limited what I could see on SM. Now I can see it all so I assume he's seen through the BS. So the plan hasn't worked out. I would like to know how long she was waiting for the opportunity because I do think it came from jealousy or spite.

You just never really know someone.

@Fraaances I do hope your transplant comes through. So sorry things have been so hard. I read you mentioned it on @gingers thread....so wonder how she, the twat husband and budgie are getting on, and how she got through it all?.🤔😁

Unfortunately illness is always an eye opener.
As for the FB posts virtue signalling...no words, what twats.

Wishing you well. Keep posting, you are always so wise.

Now and then with friendships I drop the rope and don't initiate contact just to see who bothers . Friendship is about give and take . It's often when a crises hits that you see who is really there for you and is a true friend .

@Fraaances I'll bet it has and still is. It must have been awful to find out all that you did to be liked and wanted in the name of friendship was anything but. You were used all along to be abandoned at your darkest time.

Even worse, they're just paying lip service showing how 'virtuous' and what good 'friends' they are to make themselves look good, for likes and clicks and to stop them being real friends. They're making it all about them and it always was. If they've time to do that, they had time to phone and visit you, offer help and support. They were happy to accept it from you for years. As if you haven't got enough to contend with, then their frankly, cruelty.

You were correct to push back and call them out. They must have had a shock you're not the nice accommodating person you once were. You've nothing to lose by that. @Windyella is spot on again. I lurked on that thread and saw your nice comments. I was wondering about that poster the other day who sounded really nice and intelligent. Hope Gingernut posts again with good news. Astonishing how people can pull themselves out of a hole when they've no other option.

Reading and baths, now there's a treat. Hope you can again and something I'm looking forward to again when things settle. Are you allowed to put a stool in the shower? Not the same but might be relaxing. Thanks for your wise words and hope you stay well :)

@user1471538283 What a shame and no you don't. You don't know people's agenda until you've got to know them, then you're sucked in and it's harder to distance. They have form for this and eventually others find out.

@SlashingRedRibbons That's wise when it becomes one-sided to see who's genuine and will reach out to see how you are for a change. Yes and if they don't, it's awful but you know where you stand and can spend time on yourself instead,

Went swimming lunchtime and didn't go well! It's at a gym as the leisure centre has limited swimming hours. The membership's ending next month obviously but the pool was freezing. It was 19 degrees instead of 31. It was very busy as they allow children in most of the time that take up half the pool. Nothing against them but they have priority at the leisure centre. I politely asked if the temperature could go up but they couldn't do anything so only did two lengths. At least I tried though.

@allaloneandlost have you considered telling your friends how you are feeling?

Kindly, life gets in the way for all of us. If there are one or two friends whose company you have enjoyed in the past then perhaps it’s worth telling them how the friendship has made you feel and give them the opportunity to understand your feelings and the chance to show you they value the relationship?

edited. So many typos!

I have a number of sea swimming friends.
They are obsessed and keep trying to encourage me.
Its hilarious as I keep saying "hello, do you know me at all??" I barely will get into a burning bath...icy sea water🙄simply not happening.

They are the most alarmly upbeat positive people whom claim sea swimming has transformed their lives and mental health...🤔...nah...still not biting😁.

I very rarely remember posters but I would love for @ginger to post an update.
What a thread that was.
I'm married a long time so it was a shocker.
Interesting though how she realised herself that she had been far too tolerant of him.
What a twat though.
His desperation and annoyance at his colossal fxxk up, dripped from each of her posts.
He spectacularly underestimated her.
I'm just back from a lovely long walk which now justifies the large vulgar sized glass of red I have just poured😁cheers!

@allaloneandlost

Thinking a little this evening about what @andthat said earlier ...

There are stories on this thread of sadness, hurt and upset.

It does also feel that in some cases friends are failing tests they don't even know they are being set.
Is this reasonable?

@Windyella I also often think about Ginger.. She sounds like a human being with so much to offer the world, and yet was somehow saddled with a barnacle of a man who did sweet FA but virtue-signal and use. He really is the ultimate parasite. Imagine being in the orbit of someone who is as loyal, intelligent and energetic as Ginger and not seeing her for who she is and recognizing her value? (Obviously he saw the financial value, but he chose to attach himself to the beige budgie…. Bleurgh… perhaps boredom suits him.)

@andthat @bluegreygreen I thought about this ages ago and strongly considered speaking to a few to resolve things, or know definitively how things stand. I did want to be fair but the reality is people don't like it and on the two occasions which I did, it ended badly.

The lady I gave lifts to viciously attacked me verbally when I quietly explained to work things out and make them fairer. She started shouting, called me a liar and turned it all around on me when I said it was difficult only being called every six months for support. When she started insulting me I stood firm and said there was no point continuing. Maybe I could have handled it better, I don't know. I was happy to have an adult conversation but not that.

The former work friend just dismissed me. Both these people complained they were lonely, had no friends and how other people had been flaky and used them. Again I'm not perfect and have been a mug, but offered genuine friendship which was not reciprocated.

The problem is I've never been heard or valued, and as long as I'm making all the efforts, being there and meeting their needs it's fine. On the rare occasion I have wants and needs it goes very badly. After being ignored and let down too much, rather than continue trying I decided to do things differently and stop, doing what I want putting myself first. They don't value you in the first instance and weren't friends. It's very hard having nobody and doing everything you can to avoid that but when you're worthless to others, you're better off.

Life does get in the way sometimes and most people are busy, including me most of the time. No problem people needing space to deal with things, but over time it went too far consistently.

@Windyella Sea swimming sounds fun and fair play to them but like you, icy water's hellish! Heat all the way 😁. Well done getting out there and you deserved your vino! Tesco do a great non-alcoholic Merlot. I must stock up 😁.

@Windyella @Fraaances That was a brilliant thread and things were coming to head as it ended. So many stay in situations because even though it's not cricket, they get used to it, they fear the unknown and life takes over. Then when something happens they can't unsee, clarity follows. By then the realisation started whilst Ginger is starting to value her worth working towards the future she deserves. Really hope there's a good update.

@bluegreygreen - my ex friend knew what was expected because we always supported each other. We had seen each other through moving jobs, relationship breakdowns, moving house. I had always supported her. All she had to do was send me a text to see how I was, ring me to catch up or invite me out for a glass of wine. She did nothing. She did nothing because she didn't want to listen to me despite me listening to her for decades often freaking out about nothing and despite her knowing the value of listening.

And then when I pulled her on it and she said she'd do better she made things much much worse.

They do know. They just don't care. In my case I think she enjoyed my misery.

I'm sorry @allaloneandlost @user1471538283 that is hurtful

@Windyella @Fraaances also remember Ginger frequently and wish her well

For me, I think there is a length of time where it's pretty obvious that somebody doesn't value you anymore. Or they never reply to any kind of communication. I understand that life gets in the way but using one of my examples, for eight years? That is just someone who doesn't want you anymore.

also, if you say to somebody that you don't feel valued, that's one thing. But if you say to them open "you were a really important part of my life and I'm lonely without you" I think most people would find that too much and run a mile.

I hope it's alright to post something nice here. I have felt much better this weekend. I had a lovely day out with my closest friend. Not that there's any competition with spare friends at the moment, ha ha. We were talking a lot about the past for various reasons and I think it's amazing how much fun stuff we've done. We met at work and have had some lovely times together in America (even though it was for work but this was back in the days where they'd put you up in a nice hotel, etc and not work you to death the way they do now)

So while things have been shit from lockdown till mid 2024, I think overall I've been very lucky in my life. Maybe you only get allocated X amount of luck in life. But yeah, it's been a really nice weekend.

I hope @allaloneandlost and others have had good weekends too. Btw I don't know who Ginger is or what happened to her?

@bluegreygreen also, and sorry to post something morbid after being cheerful, it's also that weird realisation that no one is going to notice for ages if I die. So at the moment, I'm sort of my mother's carer and I speak to her every day and go round there most days. At the moment she would raise the alarm, but there wouldn't be anyone else to notice. My best friend will sometimes go three weeks without communication. I hope that when mum's gone, she would keep an eye on me a bit more but she doesn't live nearby or anything.

So yes, as well as the practicalities that no one can help when you're ill, there's also the general weirdness that no one would notice if you were gone. Just not something I ever expected to happen.

I was in touch with friends almost daily before lockdown made them disappear into the "my little family" thing. It's still a bit shocking to think about tbh.

Yes Emerald people are shocking flaky now. I dont invest in people as much now. Small group friends thats it.

I'm not thinking flaky, I'm thinking of just ...gone.

Yes agree. Is life just busier now. I feel nobody wants do anything now. But am visiting a friend next month so thats nice

Thanks everybody, hope all's well and all comments are welcome!

Agree that if you say anything they run a mile or take offence. Fair enough if you're wanting to meet all the time or constantly messaging, but it is a shame people can't say something reasonable and negotiate to compromise a better way forward. It does become obvious over time as the excuses and longer and longer replies go on.

@EmeraldRoulette So glad you had a great weekend with your friend having a good catch up. It's having a shared history as well which people with few others don't have. How interesting working in America and with nice company!

It does creep up there's nobody to count on and thinking what the consequences would be. Little things most take for granted.

Tried to find a link for the Gingernut post but couldn't. The gist is about a lady, married with grown up children who's husband left her for an older widow. He was unkind, flaunting the new relationship, whereas the lady who doubted herself is successful, intelligent and practical. The thread filled as the situation was being finalised. It would be nice to hear a good outcome.

I'm glad for those who have friends to visit. As well as company, it's something different.

Don't mean to be miserable and am very ashamed, but I've spent the last few days crying and being frightened because it's finalised to move next week.

It's becoming real and I've lived here 24 years. I only moved here to get away from a difficult upbringing as it's what I could afford, and that was only 10 miles away. I tried being neighbourly and joined things but outsiders stay outsiders. I only realised how much after moving. There was years of anti-social behaviour but stopped a few years ago. I eventually stopped bothering.

Then the redundancy, having a much worse job, being messed about with voluntary work and people drifting away means there's no point staying. When you're on your own it doesn't matter where you are. I was stuck and it's such a waste when I could have been happy elsewhere. I made the best of it, studied for qualifications and worked hard.

I've been looking for years, different places and jobs but it was unaffordable or no jobs. I've never been fussy. A small terrace in a modest area's fine. A fresh start's long overdue and it will be better long-term. I keep telling myself that but it's overwhelming.

I'm sorry it's feeling overwhelming right now, OP. You're taking initiative and shaking things up - something a lot of us never do, so it's bound to give you some wobbly moments. But I'm sure you'll create a great new start for yourself. Just plod forward for the moment, this is a hard bit...

Ah you poor pet.
Anxiousness and anxiety are about fear for the future which anyone would have about this move.
Have a think about how your feeling and write down your thoughts about the move, your hopes, fears, worst fears.

Change is scary for sure.
Have the cry and get it out.
Tell us which part of the country you are going to and about the move with only details you are comfortable with.

We are here for you.❤️

I can understand that it's overwhelming OP. Its a really big move.

I think with me I sometimes think I wish I had support here to help me with things. But I like you all have always done the big things on our own.

I think you should look forward to them realising you've gone. I know I'm enjoying posting updates on my improvements to my home so my ex friend hears about it second hand. And soon she'll hear second hand I've got a new job. Despite her thinking that any old job that didn't pay enough was good enough for me. I don't think she like your friends thought I was tough. But we are.

Hope everybody's well!

@OldChairMan Thanks very much and hope you have the opportunity to get out of the situation you're in. You're welcome to vent or share on here, if it helps.

@Windyella Thanks very much and what a great idea! It's the unfamiliar, not knowing if this will work out after it hasn't here and in theory not being able to return if it doesn't.

It's a village in Northamptonshire which is four hours away. It's affordable and an hour from London so potentially more job opportunities and more going on. It's a stepping stone from here as well. It's very quiet and pleasant but still within walking distance of most amenities. So many other places are within easy reach for a weekend away which is great!

Here for you as well :)

@user1471538283 Thanks very much and shame you're on your own. It makes all the difference and although we're adults, it would be nice to have a safety net of family and/or a few friends to help each other occasionally.

Congratulations on the new job which will afford additional home improvements! You deserve it and don't need 'friends' like that. Hope they never need us.

Yes we are tough because we have to be.

Starting to pack the last bits whilst still jittery and teary. I've got a job interview next Friday which is great news, but I wfh so either way it's fine. It's better paid and although it would have been better to settle in first, it's too good an opportunity. As an added stress, the car now needs repairs to be looked at late next week, so looking for a hire car tomorrow. It's cheaper and easier than a 6 hour train journey so might as well move next week for the interview and then decide about the car.