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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I'm in a real mess :(

254 replies

despl · 17/01/2025 21:57

Hi everyone, please be kind to me as I'm not in the best place right now.

A bit of background first - I'm 28 been with fiancé for 4 years (he's 26) I really do love him but we've had a couple of issues over the past year. He likes a drink and often does cocaine on nights out, he has smashed things up in a drunken rage a couple of times (this is if I say the wrong thing to him or something he doesn't like) he had really sorted himself out and will only drink now on occasions and has not acted like that in a while, he knows that I will leave if he does act like that again.

Anyway, we've had an ongoing issue where I feel as though he doesn't want to spend any time with me at all. We literally do absolutely nothing together apart from sit in the house and watch tv, whereas he'll happily go and do things with his friends. If I ask him to go out for dinner he "doesn't want to spend money" if I ask him to go for a walk he "cant be bothered or is too tired"

We had a conversation about this tonight and he ended up getting annoyed saying I'm never happy with anything he does. I got upset and then he started shouting "here we go crying now to make me feel even worse" I feel as though I'm not ever allowed to voice how I feel as he just accuses me of always having it in for him so he'd rather me bottle up my feelings it seems.

I've just come upstairs and have spent my evening upset laying on the bed. The biggest problem here is that I am 9 weeks pregnant. I know it's not ideal but the relationship has always been good although I know it sounds awful typing this out.

I seriously don't know what to do and feel as though my life is ruined 😢

OP posts:
HolyStyleFailBatman · 17/01/2025 22:00

This relationship will not make you happy. He doesn’t treat you well.
Are you definitely proceeding with the pregnancy?

Ikeameatballs · 17/01/2025 22:01

End the pregnancy and the relationship

Original poster
despl · 17/01/2025 22:01

@HolyStyleFailBatman that was the plan, I had a termination around a year ago and would be so ashamed to have another one this close.

OP posts:
Purplecatshopaholic · 17/01/2025 22:01

He sounds immature at best. Do not marry this childish, drug-taking man. Preferably don’t have a child with him either..

Newmumhere40 · 17/01/2025 22:02

despl · 17/01/2025 21:57

Hi everyone, please be kind to me as I'm not in the best place right now.

A bit of background first - I'm 28 been with fiancé for 4 years (he's 26) I really do love him but we've had a couple of issues over the past year. He likes a drink and often does cocaine on nights out, he has smashed things up in a drunken rage a couple of times (this is if I say the wrong thing to him or something he doesn't like) he had really sorted himself out and will only drink now on occasions and has not acted like that in a while, he knows that I will leave if he does act like that again.

Anyway, we've had an ongoing issue where I feel as though he doesn't want to spend any time with me at all. We literally do absolutely nothing together apart from sit in the house and watch tv, whereas he'll happily go and do things with his friends. If I ask him to go out for dinner he "doesn't want to spend money" if I ask him to go for a walk he "cant be bothered or is too tired"

We had a conversation about this tonight and he ended up getting annoyed saying I'm never happy with anything he does. I got upset and then he started shouting "here we go crying now to make me feel even worse" I feel as though I'm not ever allowed to voice how I feel as he just accuses me of always having it in for him so he'd rather me bottle up my feelings it seems.

I've just come upstairs and have spent my evening upset laying on the bed. The biggest problem here is that I am 9 weeks pregnant. I know it's not ideal but the relationship has always been good although I know it sounds awful typing this out.

I seriously don't know what to do and feel as though my life is ruined 😢

The rest of your life....with him!?

GentlyAnarchistic · 17/01/2025 22:05

This relationship will only get worse. The clinic is not there to judge you. You must do what you think is best.

Seawolves · 17/01/2025 22:06

The relationship isn't good though is it? is it what you would want for a friend or your child? He's not going to change so why stay? Your future together will not be a good or happy one.

IdPreferProsecco · 17/01/2025 22:09

He's shown you who he is - he doesn't place value on your happiness or think your emotions are valid. He's gaslighting and belittling you. This is no way for you to live - and no way for a child to have to live either.

winterwoes · 17/01/2025 22:10

Get out now. You will be so much more vulnerable with a baby and he is not going to change, in fact he will get worse once you are stuck at home looking after a little one. Run!

2024cansuckit · 17/01/2025 22:15

I have 2 kids. 2 dad's. Both awful dad's. And it's my kids who suffer. Do NOT have a baby with this horrible man child prick. Just don't. Leave.

Original poster
despl · 17/01/2025 22:15

Thank you so much everyone, I'm feeling very lonely tonight after this so it's comforting having people to speak to.

I know that you are all right, it feels like I'm making a big mistake.

OP posts:
calmandcollected101 · 17/01/2025 22:16

Oh lovely
I'm so sorry you're in this.

He isn't supportive. I'm your age with a DC2 , single parent. It isn't easy. If he was financially supportive and generous, I would say go it alone with the pregnancy and have the baby.

No one can tell you what to do.
But just prepared that if you stay in this relationship, you will feel more lonely than if you were single.
I've been there.

However DC dad is financially generous. Sometimes I wish DC had a different dad so we would be a family but I can't go back and change it now.

The decision you make is going to impact the rest of your life.
Think carefully.

Soonenough · 17/01/2025 22:17

You can still have a termination. Better than having this excuse of a man in yours and a child's life. I don't know what your hone life experience was but this is not a normal relationship. He is a selfish and abusive man and will only continue to be so. You're young get out now and wait until you find someone who loves and respects you before you get pregnant again.

LadyIsInLove · 17/01/2025 22:19

Does he know about the pregnancy?

Mrsgreen100 · 17/01/2025 22:21

Bless you so sorry for you, do not bring a child up with this guy
you’ve said he gets violent he uses drugs and he manipulates and dismisses you
omg it’s only going to get so much worse
speaking from experience, I wish I’d got out of a similar situation when I was your age you’re really young. You’ve got a big life to live first thing get rid of him.

LIZS · 17/01/2025 22:23

You lost me at cocaine and getting drunk then breaking stuff. Please dump him and don't try to use pg to change him. It won't.

AwaitingFreedom · 17/01/2025 22:25

Your life will only be ruined if you stay with him, or have his child. He is treating you appallingly and it will get worse if you stay pregnant. It always does.

I'm so sorry that you are in this position. Try and forgive yourself regarding the termination but he would only use the child to hurt you and that would be cruel and unfair to the child if you kept it Flowers

LaLaLaLaLaLaLaLaLaa · 17/01/2025 22:25

LIZS · 17/01/2025 22:23

You lost me at cocaine and getting drunk then breaking stuff. Please dump him and don't try to use pg to change him. It won't.

This.

He’s aggressive and takes drugs. He doesn’t treat you well and makes no effort to spend time with you. When you are upset, he doesn’t comfort you, he gets angry at you. Why would you want a baby with this man? If you stay, you’ll look back in ten years time and wish you’d have left. You’re still young enough to start again x

Onelifeonly · 17/01/2025 22:25

Don't have the baby. Don't worry about having had a previous termination last year. I'm sure many women have several. Better than having an unwanted baby. And much harder to meet a new man if you do have a child.

TwistedWonder · 17/01/2025 22:26

Please get yourself free from this disgusting abusive prick.

Only you can decide whether you want to continue the pregnancy or not but ask yourself if you want to be tied to this creature for the next 18 years.

Whose home is it?

updownorthrough · 17/01/2025 22:28

despl · 17/01/2025 22:01

@HolyStyleFailBatman that was the plan, I had a termination around a year ago and would be so ashamed to have another one this close.

I had two in the space of 5 months. I'm not proud of myself. I'm back on the coil again.
I've shared that so you know that it happens.

Who cares what they think? Abuse gets worse in pregnancy. Please think this through.

AllProperTeaIsTheft · 17/01/2025 22:28

Please do not inflict a violent, drug-taking father on a baby.

savethatkitty · 17/01/2025 22:28

I'm sorry love, doesn't sound like you are a match. And no-one cares how many terminations you've had...

Purinea · 17/01/2025 22:29

Shame isn’t a reason to bring a baby into the world. No one else has to know either, if you decided to do it.

He has an unhealthy and unsafe relationship with drugs and alcohol, he has been aggressive with you in the past, and this is not a kind, loving relationship. It’s not like he even seems to want to work on it, he just wants you to put up with things how he wants them, or face his anger. You do not want to be in this, nor should you be modelling this to any potential children
Im sorry you’re in this situation. It’s worth noting that abuse often begins or ramps up in pregnancy too, since he already has form for this you should be careful.

LBFseBrom · 17/01/2025 22:30

It sounds to me as though he is bored with your relationship. He is only 26 which means he has been with you since he was 22. In recent years, that has been considered very young for a committed relationship. Your pregnancy has complicated the situation, no doubt he feels totally trapped now.

Neither of you are happy at the moment. You need to do some serious talking and both must be quite honest. How does he feel about having a child and being responsible for that child for at least eighteen years.