I'm in a real mess :(

[despl]

Hi everyone, please be kind to me as I'm not in the best place right now.

A bit of background first - I'm 28 been with fiancé for 4 years (he's 26) I really do love him but we've had a couple of issues over the past year. He likes a drink and often does cocaine on nights out, he has smashed things up in a drunken rage a couple of times (this is if I say the wrong thing to him or something he doesn't like) he had really sorted himself out and will only drink now on occasions and has not acted like that in a while, he knows that I will leave if he does act like that again.

Anyway, we've had an ongoing issue where I feel as though he doesn't want to spend any time with me at all. We literally do absolutely nothing together apart from sit in the house and watch tv, whereas he'll happily go and do things with his friends. If I ask him to go out for dinner he "doesn't want to spend money" if I ask him to go for a walk he "cant be bothered or is too tired"

We had a conversation about this tonight and he ended up getting annoyed saying I'm never happy with anything he does. I got upset and then he started shouting "here we go crying now to make me feel even worse" I feel as though I'm not ever allowed to voice how I feel as he just accuses me of always having it in for him so he'd rather me bottle up my feelings it seems.

I've just come upstairs and have spent my evening upset laying on the bed. The biggest problem here is that I am 9 weeks pregnant. I know it's not ideal but the relationship has always been good although I know it sounds awful typing this out.

I seriously don't know what to do and feel as though my life is ruined 😢

Second all the PP who gently suggest an abortion and an end to the relationship.

(Also, I would tell him it's a miscarriage. None of that is his business. Not because it's a shameful secret, mind, but because this situation is a dumpster fire.)

There's a way out, but only for a very short while will there be a good way out.

You can’t carry on this relationship surely ?

You won’t be judged. Do what you feel is right for you and get him out of your life too. Do not have him around if you decide to have the baby. Statistically, he will escalate the abuse.

Have you thought of doing the Freedom Programme ?
Highly recommended. It will help you spot red flags for future relationships and also explains the dynamics of abuse.

This would help you avoid people like him in future.

Meanwhile, understand that no man is better than the wrong man. Enjoy your own company and allow yourself to heal.

3 years later for me and my life has never been better. We now have 2 kids + he’s the best father I’ve ever seen. Completely turned his life around. Please OP think logically

You should make whatever decision is right for you but there is no shame. I’m not telling you to either way but if you realise that you don’t want to be stuck with this man for the rest of his life then this is a legitimate reason to have another one

A very sensible person, I'd say, and what's wrong with acknowledging that women can - and do - have multiple abortions without spontaneously combusting from harlotry? And then move on with their lives just fine, and without being stuck with dreadful coparents.

He likes the odd line of coke, what a waste of space. You can do better than that. LTB.

Look @despl - the first thing you need to do is stop being in denial.

Your relationship is NOT good.

He does not treat you well.

None of his actions describe a man who loves and cherishes you.

Whether or not you have the baby is entirely up to you but you will be tied to him forever if you do. In a few months when the baby isn’t sleeping and you’re knackered does he sound like he’d be a calm supportive presence? Or will he be smashing the house up because you ‘let’ the baby wake him?

It won’t be long before he moves on to you if he hasn’t already. Then your child.

Don't be a statistic. Baby or not get out.

And there is no shame for having any abortion if it means a baby isn’t brought into the world to suffer dysfunction and be saddled with an abusive parent.

Thank god it’s your house - he can be out tomorrow if you get cracking.

He is abusive and dangerous. Imagine you had a daughter living like this. What would you say to her? I’m guessing it wouldn’t be ‘stay and have a baby with this man’.

@despl So this man:

• Is unable to handle alcohol
• Takes illegal drugs
• Is extremely emotional and smashes the house
• Prefers to spend time with his boyfriends rather than his partner.

Can someone please tell me why men like this have no issue finding romantic partners?

He has taken drugs, he drinks, he has been and is still abusive, he has no thought or care for your feelings, he doesn’t want to take you out or socialise with you.
Bless your heart, I could go on, but honestly there’s no need to because you already know he’s never going to take your feelings into consideration, he won’t make you feel worthy or happy.
Fast forward 5, 10 years with this man, do you want your child observing that kind of abuse and behaviour, growing up in an environment where they think it’s the norm?
Whether you continue with your pregnancy or not (and that is your choice, no one has the right to judge) please get as far away from him as is possible.
Go to Citizens Advice for help and free advice, they are wonderful and everything is confidential and non judgmental.
I wish you strength and luck as you move forward. Be brave, just walk away sweetheart.

Termination or become a single parent.

I really cannot put it into words how difficult babies are. Being pregnant and caring for a newborn on your own will be extremely hard. Then your dating pool will be very small. Your ex will control your life, he can say no to you even moving house to a new city, has a say on schools and holidays, he will be in your life for the next 20 years. And how will you feel handing over a 3 year old for the weekend knowing they will be neglected by their coke head father the whole time?

Really think about the reality. Let it sink in.

He's not father material, if you have a baby with him he will be in your life for the next 18 years. The fact that he has money troubles would probably indicate that he would not support you financially. It would be in your best interest to terminate the pregnancy, no one will judge you. End the relationship, you deserve so much better. Good luck x

I couldn’t be with someone who does coke and drinks excessively. It’s obviously your choice but there’s no way I would have a child with a person like this. Your life going forward would be to have your child spending time with the child alone, worst case scenario 50:50. It’s not a life I’d choose for myself or my child.

This relationship will fail. It is a metter of how long you are going to let it drag on for. Days, weeks, months or years. Don't let him ruin your life and happiness. If you want the baby then you will raise it alone whether he is living with you or not, you will be doing it alone. So the best course of action is to end the relationship now, save dragging yourself through a long period of unhappiness and rip the plaster off and leave. Tomorrow preferably, while you are still angry and upset. If he makes a massive change and comes back to you in say a year having turned his life around then you can think again although it is unlikely. But right now you need to prioritise yourself over him you have a chance now to get out, do you want to be still in this situation in a year or twos time.

You say "the relationship has always been good", but nothing you describe about this so-called fiance sounds even slightly good.

What you describe is an immature, thick, ignorant, abusive, piggish cunt of a man who has no interest in women beyond sticking his cock in them.

He's not interested in how you feel, or what you think. You are irrelevant to him, and just a temporary convenience of some kind.

If you proceed with this pregnancy, he'll be an awful father, - "can't be bothered or too tired", - just the same as he's an awful, absent pig partner. You'll also be 'tied' to this cunting little oik if you have this baby, and tied, grimly, for years. The child will suffer, too.

Your life is only ruined if you hang around with this loser. There is love and life and opportunities out there if you ditch him and choose the path of valuing yourself.

You are very young, there is plenty of time.

YOU are the outlier @Tralalalal

If you managed to turn around an abusive relationship I salute you but it’s rare and not recommended.

Oh OP, I just want to echo what others have said about leaving the relationship. He will sap the life out of you and just have you as the domestic to keep the house and kids. A real relationship should also be a friendship and he should want to hang out and do stuff with you, just as much if not more than his other friends. It's not fair OP and it should be.

Abusive relationships usually get worse during pregnancy and after the baby is born because they think you're trapped, they don't like that you and the baby are getting more attention and also because having a baby is stressful even in healthy relationships.

I won't advise whether you keep the pregnancy or not, that is 100% your decision alone and whether you are prepared to be a single parent and what you imaging co-parenting with him for the next couple of decades might look like. However, please do not feel you can't terminate because you have already had one. It is your body, and you do not have to continue a pregnancy if you do not want to, and your reasons to terminate, if you wish, are absolutely valid.

I'm glad you have a supportive family, sending massive hugs OP, what an incredibly difficult decision you have to make, I'm so sorry. Xx

Don't have a child with a man like this simply because you feel ashamed. This will be a life-long commitment - to HIM. Not the baby that will result from this pregnancy but to him - you will be tied to him forever.

In your shoes I would terminate, dump him and move on.

you are so young - just a year off the age of my eldest child. I would hate for them to end up tied to a loser like this. Please please, OP. Put yourself first and imagine a life you might have in your 30s - still so young - that doesn't involve this man in any way.

This all over. Your kids will be stuck with him for the rest of their lives, and however hard you try to compensate for his lacking your children will be affected. Run now.

And how will you feel handing over a 3 year old for the weekend knowing they will be neglected by their coke head father the whole time?
This ^

@Tralalalal I'm curious to know how crappy your partner was before he transformed into a dad god? Please do tell.

@despl - I know that this feels so hard for you because you love him. I know it feels hard to leave.

But once they are on the cocaine train in a big way, it doesn't have a happy ending. Erratic moods, going out more, no energy or time for you and it also kills all enjoyment for the normal family things. It seems like they just like a good time and a party at the beginning but for so many young people just now, it's just a sinking ship.

You are worth more than this and if your relationship looks this way at 9 weeks pregnant, regardless of how happy he is about the pregnancy, imagine what it is going to look like when your baby is here. If he doesn't want to give you his time right now and if he shouts at you right now, what will that look like with sleep deprivation and a little human who depends on you both to meet every single one of their needs?

Value yourself more than you value this man. You deserve better. If it hurts for a while, take comfort in the fact that you will heal. If you keep the pregnancy, you will be in better standing to be a fully present Mum and if you choose to terminate, you'll be doing so because you feel it's best. Either way, don't stay in a sinking ship. Demand your worth. All the best.

If in doubt, don't.

Have a miscarriage, let everyone comfort you (you won't be able to have sex for a while), and then wait for his next outburst and make that the reason you're ending it and kicking him out of YOUR house.

He was grieving, abusing drugs drinking too much. Unkind and short tempered at times. He was lost. People can change though and a baby will either change a man for the better or worse I believe.

@despl
Have not read the full thread, only on page 2, but at the risk of other posters telling me to "read the room", can i ask whether you would consider keeping your baby, and freeing yourself from this "man" ?
You mentioned that the house is yours, and that you have a supportive family.
Is there a possibility that your family will help you with the baby?
Yes, Mumsnet, I do realise that it is really hard work as a single parent.

Best wishes OP, whatever you decide.