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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I'm in a real mess :(

254 replies

despl · 17/01/2025 21:57

Hi everyone, please be kind to me as I'm not in the best place right now.

A bit of background first - I'm 28 been with fiancé for 4 years (he's 26) I really do love him but we've had a couple of issues over the past year. He likes a drink and often does cocaine on nights out, he has smashed things up in a drunken rage a couple of times (this is if I say the wrong thing to him or something he doesn't like) he had really sorted himself out and will only drink now on occasions and has not acted like that in a while, he knows that I will leave if he does act like that again.

Anyway, we've had an ongoing issue where I feel as though he doesn't want to spend any time with me at all. We literally do absolutely nothing together apart from sit in the house and watch tv, whereas he'll happily go and do things with his friends. If I ask him to go out for dinner he "doesn't want to spend money" if I ask him to go for a walk he "cant be bothered or is too tired"

We had a conversation about this tonight and he ended up getting annoyed saying I'm never happy with anything he does. I got upset and then he started shouting "here we go crying now to make me feel even worse" I feel as though I'm not ever allowed to voice how I feel as he just accuses me of always having it in for him so he'd rather me bottle up my feelings it seems.

I've just come upstairs and have spent my evening upset laying on the bed. The biggest problem here is that I am 9 weeks pregnant. I know it's not ideal but the relationship has always been good although I know it sounds awful typing this out.

I seriously don't know what to do and feel as though my life is ruined 😢

OP posts:
sometimesmovingforwards · 17/01/2025 22:31

If you think things are bad now, stay together and have a kid, then report back in 3 years.

LaundryandDirt · 17/01/2025 22:32

Leave him and terminate the pregnancy. Easier said than done I’m sure.

However there is nothing more lonely than sitting in with your new baby when he starts going off drinking and taking drugs again. He will, because he knows there will be nothing you can do by then.

Rokaswappa · 17/01/2025 22:34

This won’t get any better. He is clearly too immature for a relationship, never mind a child.

Options:

  1. Stay with him and keep the baby. Live in fear of his coke rages. Let your child grow up thinking this is normal. Be physically, mentally and financially abused. Eventually leave after wasting years of your life and sanity.
  2. Stay with him and have a termination. See above but without bringing a child into it.
  3. Leave and have your baby. With any luck he won’t be interested and you can have a peaceful life with your child. Maybe he’ll grow up and help out eventually. Either way it is an incredibly difficult but fulfilling choice.
  4. Leave and terminate. You are young enough to start again. Easiest choice practically, maybe not emotionally.

Have a good think about what you want from life. Do you have a support network? Career? Place to live? If you want this baby it’s totally doable. Hard but you’ll manage. Either way, you need to get away from this “man.”

If you do opt for termination, please don’t let shame put you off. These people are here to help you make the best choice for YOU. I doubt they will judge you but even if they do, what does it matter? They don’t know you or live with the consequences of your decisions.

I wish you all the best OP. Please look after yourself. X

GlasgowGal82 · 17/01/2025 22:35

You are still so young, please don't feel you have to saddle yourself with 18 years of co-parenting with this cretin. There's no shame in having a termination if that's what you choose to do. Please be brave, walk away and take care of yourself because you deserve so much more than this.

teenmaw · 17/01/2025 22:35

Been there, free yourself from this animal. I knew 6 months after marrying my husband I'd made a massive mistake but I was too proud to admit it. Pride comes before a massive fall, before I knew it I had 2 kids a mortgage in my name and had given up
work, completely hoodwinked and trapped. Took me 15 years to get back on my feet and a lot of damage to my children. Honestly
In 6 months you'll look back and breathe a huge sigh of relief

Iloveyoubut · 17/01/2025 22:36

despl · 17/01/2025 22:01

@HolyStyleFailBatman that was the plan, I had a termination around a year ago and would be so ashamed to have another one this close.

i can’t say ‘don’t be’ like I’m just telling you what to feel but I’ve been there many moons ago and you need to do what you need to to. If you think this man is going to get any better, trust me, and you know this, if you stay with him and have this child with him and he has any sort of hold of you this is going to escalate and you’ll be on here in 4 years time saying you have two kids and no where to go etc. I’m in no way saying terminate your pregnancy but please leave him. And if you do terminate then if it were me, I would make peace with it. By leaving him and never, ever going baxj. I’m really sorry you’re going through this.

Namechangetheyarewatching · 17/01/2025 22:38

despl · 17/01/2025 22:15

Thank you so much everyone, I'm feeling very lonely tonight after this so it's comforting having people to speak to.

I know that you are all right, it feels like I'm making a big mistake.

The only mistake you would make is staying with this nasty prick.

Rainbow1901 · 17/01/2025 22:42

OP you need to think long and hard about where this relationship is going. Your DH sounds like he's ready to move on already in that he will happily spend time and money with other people but not with you.
The pregnancy is just a complication you can do without - regardless of any embarrassment you may feel. If anything, make a decision one way or the other that you are happy to live with and then move on. Not sure if you have been unlucky with contraception or lack of it but you need to think of yourself here.
I'd hate for you do as someone suggested and come back in a few years time bemoaning your fate and life. You can sort this and have a good life too- just not with this man.

IDontLoveTheWayYouLie · 17/01/2025 22:43

It will only get worse. It's up to you what you decide to do with the baby situation but staying with him and living like this is not going to help anything.

Original poster
despl · 17/01/2025 22:45

Thank you so much everyone for being so kind to me, I have tears in my eyes reading these supportive comments. Especially those regarding the termination as I feel awful.

To answer a few questions:

  • Yes he knows about the pregnancy, he is very very happy and excited about it
  • I have an extremely supportive family, they live 10 mins away and couldn't do more for me. My parents are amazing and have given me a great up bringing
  • The house is mine, I bought it at the beginning of last year. The plan was for us both to be on the mortgage but he wasnt able to due to money troubles (I know it gets worse) so everything is in my name although we pay half for everything
OP posts:
Reallystuck · 17/01/2025 22:45

I’m sorry you’re feeling the way you are - I can imagine how heartbreaking it must be. I have a child and am expecting my second and parenthood is HARD, even when you have a supportive partner. You will either spend your life trying to protect and shield your child from the behaviour you have described, or you will forever be tied to him through your child. Having a child with someone is the biggest commitment you can make (in my opinion!) so if you are thinking of leaving him, really think about your options. I understand the feelings of shame attached to having a termination recently and then considering another one but I would be careful not to let feelings that will pass trump ties and regrets that won’t.

Take care of yourself. I hope you are okay whatever decision you make 💐

Reallystuck · 17/01/2025 22:47

Reallystuck · 17/01/2025 22:45

I’m sorry you’re feeling the way you are - I can imagine how heartbreaking it must be. I have a child and am expecting my second and parenthood is HARD, even when you have a supportive partner. You will either spend your life trying to protect and shield your child from the behaviour you have described, or you will forever be tied to him through your child. Having a child with someone is the biggest commitment you can make (in my opinion!) so if you are thinking of leaving him, really think about your options. I understand the feelings of shame attached to having a termination recently and then considering another one but I would be careful not to let feelings that will pass trump ties and regrets that won’t.

Take care of yourself. I hope you are okay whatever decision you make 💐

Also to add, in your post you said you’d had trouble within the last year but that he’s calmed down with the drugs and alcohol a bit. If it’s less than a year, I’m not convinced that these changes are permanent. I would be wary. I have had a relationship with someone with substance abuse issues before and it didn’t just ‘go away’, no matter how hard both of us tried. Please be careful x

Snugglemonkey · 17/01/2025 22:47

Oh op, this is an awful situation. You need to be free of this man. I would walk away and terminate. It is the path to freedom.

DeliciousApples · 17/01/2025 22:49

Sorry you're in this situation. You deserve better than this person who is using you, doesn't appreciate you or listen to your needs and wants the way he should if he loves you, and has a whole lot of baggage.

I'd get a termination without telling him. And split up.

You deserve so much better. There are nicer guys out there. You don't need to saddle yourself with him and his child.

VeryQuaintIrene · 17/01/2025 22:49

Adding my advice - he sounds like an awful partner and as though he will be an even shittier dad. Babies are needy and can try the patience of a saint, which he is very far from being as it is!

LBFseBrom · 17/01/2025 22:53

LaundryandDirt · 17/01/2025 22:32

Leave him and terminate the pregnancy. Easier said than done I’m sure.

However there is nothing more lonely than sitting in with your new baby when he starts going off drinking and taking drugs again. He will, because he knows there will be nothing you can do by then.

I agree, Laundry, including that it isn't an easy thing to do. However I feel the op needs to be free of this immature man and think he wants to be free of her.

It's a sad situation but op is young and will move on.

Greyish2025 · 17/01/2025 22:53

despl · 17/01/2025 22:01

@HolyStyleFailBatman that was the plan, I had a termination around a year ago and would be so ashamed to have another one this close.

You being ashamed to have another termination is no reason to bring an innocent child into this situation/ world…..don’t be ridiculous

SereneWay1 · 17/01/2025 22:53

I'm almost exactly the same age as you and actually went through a very similar thing a few years ago so I'm so sorry you're in the same position. I had a boyfriend who was a lovely guy but drank. It was like I had to bend over backwards or beg him just to get him to spend time with me. At first it was super frustrating but then it started to make me feel really depressed. In the end I basically told him "we never do anything outside the house together. It makes me feel like you don't want to spend time with me. If you do want to and you want us to stay together, I would like us to do something once a week - even if it's just a walk round the local park". I basically gave him an ultimatum and I said if he didn't I would end our relationship, which it did. During our relationship, I had two abortions and felt really guilty about both but both decisions were the best decision I made for me as it wasn't the right time and he wasn't the right person. So please don't feel ashamed, it's the right thing to do for you, then that's what's important. And I definitely feel like ending our relation was the best decision I made and it gave me a lot of confidence in myself. A relationship is a partnership and if he isn't putting in the same effort and love you are, then you need to leave and find someone who will. (Trust me they do exist!)

2024cansuckit · 17/01/2025 22:53

Well done for owning your own house you sound like your doing amazing in life.

Your not a mess. He is.
He knows your pregnant and is still being nasty and sniffing coke....please don't do this to yourself love... leave him, terminate and find someone as great as you are!

Viviennemary · 17/01/2025 22:54

Sadly this relationship sounds doomed given his terrible attitude. I can't understand why you decided a baby would be a good idea. Is he prepared to work, on tne relationship and making a go of being a good father. It doesn't sound like it.

ForSparklyLemonLurker · 17/01/2025 22:59

Lost me at cocaine.
If you wish to raise a baby by yourself then by all means go through with the pregnancy but leave him ffs and make sure you have a brilliant support network.

Apileofballyhoo · 17/01/2025 23:00

If he doesn't want to spend time with you, he'll be even less likely to spend time with you and baby. He doesn't sound like he loves you, drink, drugs and abuse issues aside.

Banyon · 17/01/2025 23:00

Ashamed vs having a child with selfish angry person who will be a poor father, esp after inevitable split.

He won’t be there for you to help w baby, imagine if baby is poorly, or needs special help. He will tell you off for asking.

You need partner makes you feel important & hugs you when you cry.

Jennyathemall · 17/01/2025 23:01

Ikeameatballs · 17/01/2025 22:01

End the pregnancy and the relationship

This

mumbun12345 · 17/01/2025 23:06

I am so sorry you are going through this. I know it feels absolutely impossible now and you must feel completely paralysed. But there is another happier life after this. This does not have to be your life and you are so young. I am so pleased to hear the house is in your name and you have a supportive family nearby. These things are massively in your favour. Can you go to your parents over the weekend to get some space to think and possibly have a chat with with your parents about things? Xxx