I'm in a real mess :(

[despl]

Hi everyone, please be kind to me as I'm not in the best place right now.

A bit of background first - I'm 28 been with fiancé for 4 years (he's 26) I really do love him but we've had a couple of issues over the past year. He likes a drink and often does cocaine on nights out, he has smashed things up in a drunken rage a couple of times (this is if I say the wrong thing to him or something he doesn't like) he had really sorted himself out and will only drink now on occasions and has not acted like that in a while, he knows that I will leave if he does act like that again.

Anyway, we've had an ongoing issue where I feel as though he doesn't want to spend any time with me at all. We literally do absolutely nothing together apart from sit in the house and watch tv, whereas he'll happily go and do things with his friends. If I ask him to go out for dinner he "doesn't want to spend money" if I ask him to go for a walk he "cant be bothered or is too tired"

We had a conversation about this tonight and he ended up getting annoyed saying I'm never happy with anything he does. I got upset and then he started shouting "here we go crying now to make me feel even worse" I feel as though I'm not ever allowed to voice how I feel as he just accuses me of always having it in for him so he'd rather me bottle up my feelings it seems.

I've just come upstairs and have spent my evening upset laying on the bed. The biggest problem here is that I am 9 weeks pregnant. I know it's not ideal but the relationship has always been good although I know it sounds awful typing this out.

I seriously don't know what to do and feel as though my life is ruined 😢

You need some space and thinking time. I would tell him that and suggest he goes to stay somewhere else for a week or so while you think things through. It will put him on alert that you are considering ending and may shock him enough to change.. having said that changes rarely last so if you stay with him you need to be prepared for a life of disappointment because all lives have them but sounds like yours will be alot. Drug use is so lovely for them and so very hard to stop. Not having interests in common is ok as in a marriage you are a partnership but have different roles. You need to think ahead to the worst possible case scenario and think …. Do I want that. Would I stay for that.

when you say your vows.for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health etc. you have to really mean that and be prepared to stand by his side even on the rough times. You don’t have to always respect him. He wil let you down. Equally you will let him down. How you both react to that matters so much. If you can be non judgemental and understand c about his weeknesses and traits then you stand chance.if you think you could not bear it without becoming snagging bitch then for the best for both of you.,,’call it off. If he cannot step up now. When there is depends t child expected. He likely never will.

The point is that the smashing stuff up often leads to smashing a person up.

I've never lived with anyone who smashes stuff up. I've seen it happen in films and television drama. It looks scary and intimidating. I'm sure in real life it is scary and intimidating. Actions can be abusive without actually laying a finger on the abused person.

Don’t choose a life you don’t want because of this.

If you don’t want an abortion, that is a good reason not to have one. Internalizing society’s judgement and misogyny over making choices about your body is not a good reason.

Take control of your life and choose what you want for yourself.

I agree completely. I was just elaborating on the bollocks a PP was spouting.

Are you serious? "Weaknesses and traits" ? How minimising. What the OP has described are serious behavioural problems.
OP might become "a nagging bitch"

Very weird post. Are you north American, Christian, or something?

Speaking from decades of experience, do not proceed with this pregnancy or this relationship. You will definitely regret it in the future. Get away from him, spend some time alone, working on yourself and your own future, before you even consider another relationship. Go back to school, travel, take up a new sport or hobby.

Regardless of whether you decide to end the pregnancy I think you should end the relationship.

Your fiance is the biggest red flag.
He is not husband nor father material.

Very odd post. My own reply was garbled. I meant to say, does this poster really think the OP will become a "nagging bitch" if she objects to this bloke's appalling behaviour?

He's being called abusive, because he is abusive. Smashing the place up is abusive.

I'd lie everyday until Sunday to protect a woman from abuse.

It's not what I would do but I am suggesting one option to the OP that might work for her.

He is already abusive and clearly doesn't want to be with her. Probably the biggest thing she has that is attracting him is the fact she owns the house. Hobosexual? If she is pregnant, he thinks he's set for life with a roof over his head. How does she deal with this?
If she stays with him, her life and that of the baby won't be happy. His abuse will escalate. And if she marries him he will possibly have a claim on the house.
Because he is abusive her best bet is to break up with him, but we all know that is the most dangerous time for a target of DV. She prob needs to come up with a safe way to break up.
If she decides she doesn't want the baby (which is what it sounds like if she's more concerned what clinic staff will think), she might be better off having a termination, but then spinning it in a way that would deflect his anger (can you imagine how he will react otherwise?) and garner her more attention.
Do you have a better suggestion?

And what happens if he escalates? He's already trying to emotionally blackmail her into not crying and not complaining.

There is no shame in having another abortion. You have to do what's right for you.

This is not a good man to have children with.

Helluva gamble there - and it's the child that will suffer if it fails.

Agree - one heck of a gamble.

Someone who smashes your stuff is abusing you. There's a threat inherent in their actions.

Abusers are manchildren. They are playground bullies in adult bodies.

This, and also: you never stop worrying that he'll go back to the drink and the drugs. You can never relax. You can never trust him. It's always hanging over you like the sword of Damocles that he's going to come home coked up again.

This isn't an acceptable environment for you or a baby.

Your second paragraph was enough for me. He gets in rages and smashes things up - or words similar. I mean….what the heck!!! Are you content to live like this and with this? The answers with you obviously, but who wants to sign up to someone like this. Before long you’ll be living on your nerves frightened to upset him.

OP I’m sorry you’re going through this. Looking at your posts it seems you’re answering your own questions about your relationship without necessarily realising it. Whatever you decide to do about your pregnancy is up to you, but please feel no shame and please re-read your posts as though it were a friend or family member telling you what was happening to them and think about what you would say to them. You have the strength to leave.

OP - this man is not a safe partner or father-to-be. If he is very happy about the baby, it’s because he’s got Disney-style ideas about what it’s going to be like. He is in no way ready for the reality. Bringing a baby into this relationship would be a huge mistake. It’s run its course. He treats you badly and you should be looking to end things.

I really think the rest of your life will be ruined if you stay with him.
The drug and alcohol use will always be held over you, though maybe subtly. Tread on those eggshells or one or the other will come crashing down on you.

Continuing with the pregnancy and being a single mum is your choice but no one is going to judge you on having a second termination. Talk to someone to help you think it through.

End the pregnancy. Do not tell anybody except your medical people. If anyone knows your pregnant, say you had a miscarriage. There is absolutely nothing to be ashamed of. You can't allow this pregnancy to tie you to an abusive man who is going to make your life absolute hell. Get rid of him as soon as you possibly can, preferably tomorrow. You should be feeling safe in the loving arms of a man who respects and cares for you, not crying alone in your bedroom.

This is so sad. I totally understand that you might feel shame or guilt about having a second termination so soon after the other one but surely that's better than knowingly giving a child a drunken, violent father?

I say this as the 60+ year old product of such a man. My mum needed up leaving him when I was very young. I only have vague memories of him but those memories of his aggressive outbursts have never left me. My mum also associated me with his abuse and was not a great mum in consequence.

You are obviously a capable and competent woman with the capacity to become a loving mum one day. Don't burden any child with this awful man for a parent. Terminate the relationship and the pregnancy and look forward to a future with a man good enough for you and your future children.

Hobosexual

You mean, cocklodger?

He sounds like a real piece of crap.

You are best of kicking him out. Don’t marry him as then he’ll be able to get half your house.

Whether you have a termination is up to you. Do not let feelings of shame impact your decision - if you want to terminate, you can. Nobody should shame you, but if they do, you can say you are in a difficult situation that they aren’t aware of. Or just that he’s abusive and you’ve left him.

you also don’t need to tell him if you have a termination. You can say you lost the pregnancy.

if you want the baby, then keep the baby - unfortunately that’ll mean this loser in your life for 18+ years, but if you want to continue, then do.

You make your decisions based on what’s best for you. Ignore what anyone judges/thinks.

Oh sweets, you'll be so trapped with him forever if you have his baby. This is an unhealthy relationship and you can have one that's so much nicer. I would end the relationship and terminate the pregnancy. Don't worry about having had a termination not too long ago - that's irrelevant. What's important here is that you rescue yourself from a lifelong entanglement with this man. There will be other pregnancies and much nicer men. Make an appointment on Monday, plan how to rid yourself of him, and cherish yourself a little. I haven't read the thread, but if he doesn't know you're pregnant, don't tell him, and if he does, tell him you miscarried. Don't make yourself vulnerable to being his scapegoat, because you just know he'll fling the termination in your face at some point.