I'm in a real mess :(

[despl]

Hi everyone, please be kind to me as I'm not in the best place right now.

A bit of background first - I'm 28 been with fiancé for 4 years (he's 26) I really do love him but we've had a couple of issues over the past year. He likes a drink and often does cocaine on nights out, he has smashed things up in a drunken rage a couple of times (this is if I say the wrong thing to him or something he doesn't like) he had really sorted himself out and will only drink now on occasions and has not acted like that in a while, he knows that I will leave if he does act like that again.

Anyway, we've had an ongoing issue where I feel as though he doesn't want to spend any time with me at all. We literally do absolutely nothing together apart from sit in the house and watch tv, whereas he'll happily go and do things with his friends. If I ask him to go out for dinner he "doesn't want to spend money" if I ask him to go for a walk he "cant be bothered or is too tired"

We had a conversation about this tonight and he ended up getting annoyed saying I'm never happy with anything he does. I got upset and then he started shouting "here we go crying now to make me feel even worse" I feel as though I'm not ever allowed to voice how I feel as he just accuses me of always having it in for him so he'd rather me bottle up my feelings it seems.

I've just come upstairs and have spent my evening upset laying on the bed. The biggest problem here is that I am 9 weeks pregnant. I know it's not ideal but the relationship has always been good although I know it sounds awful typing this out.

I seriously don't know what to do and feel as though my life is ruined 😢

I can’t believe the man is being called abusive here but what it’s not abusive to fake a miscarriage, lie to everyone you know and kick the father of said baby out of his home ????? That’s unhinged behaviour

• @despl I have an extremely supportive family, they live 10 mins away and couldn't do more for me. My parents are amazing and have given me a great up bringing
• The house is mine, I bought it at the beginning of last year. The plan was for us both to be on the mortgage but he wasnt able to due to money troubles (I know it gets worse) so everything is in my name although we pay half for everything

I'm amazed your family haven't sensed the threat that this cunt is.

No surprise that the cunt has no financial viability. You're his meal ticket.

Don’t let shame stop you doing the right thing for you. His behaviour sounds like the behaviour of an addict. No interest in normal things but happy to go out with his mates where he can use.

My dad was a kind, decent, reliable man, I never saw him drunk or violent. He doted on my mum (and all his kids) his whole life. There will be a man like that out there for you.

Don't bring a child into the world with a violent cokehead for a father, and don't accept it for your future either. You're worth more.

@Tralalalal I completely appreciate this is your experience and I'm really glad for you that your situation worked out so well.

But playing russian roulette with a child's life just isn't worth it. You have found a diamond in the rough but this is so uncommon. I see it every week. Having a baby on the hope that someone will change and make such drastic lifestyle changes just is not a risk worth taking.

Definitely not saying that you should terminate because of this. Just that you should leave your relationship. If he changes and steps up, you will then have the chance to promote a relationship.

So completely different from an violent abusive drinker who takes cocaine?

Can you really not see the difference?

He’s a man child. He’s not grown up yet. He’s still behaving like a toddler or a teen.

If he doesn’t want to spend any time with you now, just wait until you’ve had a baby. He’s going to go out with his mates still and leave you with all the responsibility of bringing up the child.

You are the responsible one, who has bought a house. He can’t even be bothered to take you out for dinner. He’s a shit partner. He’ll be a shit dad too and you must know it deep down. He’s not ready to be a father because he’s not grown up fully yet himself.

he’s excited because he has no idea what babies involve.

more couples split in the first year of a baby’s life because it is SO stressful.

If he’s behaving like this with you now and can’t be bothered to go out for dinner, he’s going to find going to the park mind numblingly boring, because honestly, it is.

You love your child but the early years are hard hard work and much of it is dull and boring. You need someone truly onboard to be there for you and your baby. This man does not sound like he is that person, at all.

Honestly, he sounds horrible and abusive and gaslighting you for crying and showing your real feelings. Just awful.

I’m struggling to see where OP is in danger. Her partner was abusive to “things” when he was in a drunken rage. He no longer drinks and by the sounds of it now the worst he does is raise his voice or isn’t the most sympathetic/understanding. Some women are far too quick to throw the bloody abuse card about! Fair enough if you think she should leave her relationship but telling her to end her pregnancy and lie about it + live with the consequences is bonkers in my opinion.

OP's 'fiance' is 26 and "likes a drink and often does cocaine on nights out, he has smashed things up in a drunken rage a couple of times". No mention of grieving. Does this sound like your bloke or do you think OP's bloke might just be a cunt?

Oh love, please don't think you'll be judged for having a second termination. I worked in theatres for years when terminations were all done surgically. Some women returned two or three times for terminations. Absolutely NO judgement here - they needed the procedure, it was the right thing for them at that time. Every single one of those women and girls deserved to be treated with kindness and respect. Every time.

The first thing I was ging to say before I finished reading your first post OP was whatever you do don't have children with this man.

I was in a similar situation years ago, had kids, it ended in divorce etc etc and if I could do anything to turn back the clock I would.

However the difference for you is that you seem to have realised who he is. You don't need to stay with him.

Get rid of him.

Then do what you want regarding the baby. It sounds like you will have support should you decide not to terminate.

But please don't waste any more time with this prick. It's just not worth it. Get out while you're strong.

Take it from those of us who are older. Problems like this usually become more entrenched with age. What so many of us noticed upon reflecting back is that such men become much worse after children enter the picture. This is likely because the sunk cost for a woman to leave becomes much steeper and such men know this.

I would open up to your family. I bet 100% they will want to help you with the separation. If I found out my DD was trying to cope with a drug and alcohol affected DH prone to violent rages, I’d swoop in to help her. Please don’t feel ashamed!

We don’t know his mental state she’s not said, she did also say he doesn’t drink anymore which suggests he’s taken action to try and resolve that issue?? He very well may be a cunt but we’d have to see him in real life to know wouldn’t we. It’s so easy to make assumptions and act like judge fucking judy on mumsnet

@Tralalalal Nowhere does OP say he no longer drinks.

People can change though and a baby will either change a man for the better or worse I believe.

Helluva gamble there - and it's the child that will suffer if it fails.

I think that you have lower standards than is healthy to be frank @Tralalalal - If you’re happy fine but i think it’s concerning.

Smashing stuff up when drunk because your partner says something you don’t like IS abusive. It’s a way of controlling behaviour but fear - ‘stop pissing me off or I’ll smash stuff up’.

And it is HER home. She has no obligation to house her abuser.

He no longer drinks and by the sounds of it now the worst he does is raise his voice or isn’t the most sympathetic/understanding. Some women are far too quick to throw the bloody abuse card about!

He still drinks. He shouted at OP tonight for no reason. You have very low standards of acceptable behaviour.

Abuse can definitely escalate in pregnancy OP.
Think hard before you risk continuing this relationship.
Women shouldn’t feel guilty about termination either.

Your unhappiness is very clear from your posts
Best wishes to you

I just think that people want to act like a victim by saying shit like that. If my partner smashed up my house defo I’d end it but I would go around telling people he abused me. I’d tell them he was a childish little boy who couldn’t control his temper.
real women die every day at the hands of abusive men, I think there’s a line between a man child a dangerous one.

Wouldn’t *

I wouldn't judge you at all for having a second termination.

I will judge you if you stay with him and post again in 12 or 18 months time about what a hard time you and your child are having living with this waste of space.

I truly hope you aren't teaching your children this. Of course it's abuse.

The point is that the smashing stuff up often leads to smashing a person up.

The longer you put up with a ‘man child’ to use your phrase, the greater the risk the violence turns to you.

It is very dangerous to bring a baby into a volatile household.

Does this honestly sound like a healthy relationship into which to introduce a baby?

Very few victims of dv actually realise they are victims at the start directly contradicting your supposition that people enjoy playing the victim.