I'm in a real mess :(

[despl]

Hi everyone, please be kind to me as I'm not in the best place right now.

A bit of background first - I'm 28 been with fiancé for 4 years (he's 26) I really do love him but we've had a couple of issues over the past year. He likes a drink and often does cocaine on nights out, he has smashed things up in a drunken rage a couple of times (this is if I say the wrong thing to him or something he doesn't like) he had really sorted himself out and will only drink now on occasions and has not acted like that in a while, he knows that I will leave if he does act like that again.

Anyway, we've had an ongoing issue where I feel as though he doesn't want to spend any time with me at all. We literally do absolutely nothing together apart from sit in the house and watch tv, whereas he'll happily go and do things with his friends. If I ask him to go out for dinner he "doesn't want to spend money" if I ask him to go for a walk he "cant be bothered or is too tired"

We had a conversation about this tonight and he ended up getting annoyed saying I'm never happy with anything he does. I got upset and then he started shouting "here we go crying now to make me feel even worse" I feel as though I'm not ever allowed to voice how I feel as he just accuses me of always having it in for him so he'd rather me bottle up my feelings it seems.

I've just come upstairs and have spent my evening upset laying on the bed. The biggest problem here is that I am 9 weeks pregnant. I know it's not ideal but the relationship has always been good although I know it sounds awful typing this out.

I seriously don't know what to do and feel as though my life is ruined 😢

The OP sounds just as immature.

And it sounds like you’re trying to talk yourself into staying with this absolute prince, @despl no matter all that revealing and terrible stuff you wrote in your first post.

So you go ahead and stay. You marry the dude and suffer. You suffer the consequences of his drinking and his doing cocaine and his angry outbursts and enjoy his maudlin flowers and apologies.

And you explain to your child while they’re growing up — why you brought them into this unstable, freaking mess. You explain to them why daddy yelled and bashed the door in and what those words meant he was yelling.
You’re forcing your child to suffer too. You tie them to this prince of a gent forever.
But that’s okay because you love him and he brings you flowers every week.

As we age, we gain wisdom from our mistakes. We learn from them and we don’t repeat them over and over again.
What is it about you that you aren’t learning?

I wish you the very best luck.

@DreamTheMoors can't even be bothered to read the absolute nonsense you just wrote. Read the full thread and you'll find I've never said anything about marrying him or even staying with him. I said I need a long think and have taken the comments on board. Unsure how that makes me immature?

Well I've taken every comment on board apart from yours 😊

I wouldn't worry about it.

You wouldn't be the first and you won't be the last.

He sounds shit.

I wouldn't be tying myself to that for life or inflicting him on a child as a father.

Hi there.
You have your whole life ahead of you to meet someone else that isn't a violent druggy. I coparent with a man like this and it's hell. But I'm late 30s.

Please call an abortion provider and ask them for free counselling to help you decide. Ignore the other abortion - it has no impact on the current pregnant and no one needs to know if you do go ahead. Many women have more than one. You do decide what's right for you now only. Btw you seem to get pregnant easily so that's helpful info to know for the future - we never know for sure but this most likely isn't your last or only chance to have a child.

Ps would you feel ok handing a baby over to this alcoholic and his new girlfriend ? As you'd likely to be forced to

The purpose of my post was me addressing the problem where I feel that he doesn't want to spend time with me and that we can't have a conversation without him getting his back up and accusing me of always being annoyed at him etc.

I feel as though I'm not ever allowed to voice how I feel as he just accuses me of always having it in for him so he'd rather me bottle up my feelings it seems.

OP even without him having been abusive after drink and drugs, the above is not a description of a healthy relationship dynamic.

You don't feel able to fully be yourself with him, in that you know if you want to be honest about your feelings or get upset he will shout at you, make you feel shit about it or accuse you of being negative / always annoyed etc.

None of this is normal. At all. I promise you it really isn't.

And even strong relationships without these issues are tested to their limits when you add sleep deprivation and the responsibility of parenthood to the mix.

You deserve more than someone who makes you feel like shit for being emotionally open with them.

The smashing things etc may return, but even if it didn't; he puts energy, effort and money into going out with his mates...while he won't do anything with you Won't even go for a walk or a meal.

I wouldn't be with a man who wouldn't go for a walk/to the cinema/for a meal etc. with me.

It's basic.

Also, new parenthood caused myself and my lo's Dad to be at each other's throats at times , it's really really demanding and tiring and stressful and can result in arguments. I'm wondering how long he would just before he starts smashing stuff. I'm wondering how he'd ever step up to be a good co parent when he can't be arsed to even do basic couple things with his gf

DreamTheMoors'
post wasn't nonsense. It was harsh but there's truth in it. You've minimised his poor behaviour and talked up unimportant stuff like buying flowers.

As for not marrying him, you refer to him as your fiancé.

For me it’s the drugs and any signs of financial irresponsibility. Lack of money later on and equal support will cause conflict down the line. With a baby things will only get more strained as you will be reliant entirely on him when the baby comes. In pain swollen and healing, not sleeping. I would say assess the risks. It is hard being 28 - most of us speak from long life experiences. Hard to gain perspective walking this path the first time and correctly assess man’s behavior. Not speaking about having or not having the baby as that is a personal decision I feel nobody can advise you on. I can imagine at that age you might want to have it and that’s also ok.
What helped me many times is discussing it out loud with a friend - when I heard myself describing the situations it finally clicked. It has to come out from your own mouth and see how you feel about it- when hearing it being said.

Don’t be ashamed to have another termination. You need to get out of this relationship and move forward. Having a child with someone as selfish and belittling as him will not end well. Get out now!!!!!

@IHaveAlwaysLivedintheCastle because that's what he is, we're engaged? What shall I refer to him as then "the bloke who I've been engaged to for the past 2 years but don't think I'm going to marry"

I have absolutely no problem with constructive criticism, but people calling me immature and putting things in my mouth that I haven't said doesn't sit right with me which is why I will not be returning to this thread.

Thank you so much again to everybody who have left supportive and helpful comments, it has really helped me a lot. Take care xx

You could have just said partner. DreamTheMoors wasn't putting words in your mouth. Your posts today are a complete volte face from your posts yesterday.

I agree. It's been like 180 degree turn. I feel like the OP wasted my time. I stayed up late writing a long post but in fact, she had no intention of ever leaving and painted such a bleak picture that many of us thought (and may still think) she was living with a waste of space.

Then she's come on here to defend him to the hilt. I'm not sure why she didn't mention all of this in her first post and in fact I'm not sure why she posted at all.

@despl

"He's very loving, buys me flowers every week, tells me he loves me every day"

OP, this is classic love bombing behaviour. Men do this to reel you in. Of course he will have his very nice moments to make you feel appreciated, but this manchild has so much to lose when you see the light. especially as he lives in your house. There are so many posts on other threads where the woman is living in their partners' house, and feel insecure, as they could be thrown out at any time, they are not on the mortgage. You are in an enviable position, in contrast to the title of this thread.

Your fiancée is riding nicely on the back of your parents’ approval. He feels you all love him so much he can do what he likes in private, ignoring you and acting like a single bloke whilst living in your home.

I think he’s certainly bright enough to know that if he ‘buys me flowers every week, tells me he loves me every day, compliments me all the time, surprises me with little gifts, then he can keep you hooked in to what is a good thing for him - living with you.

You feel all of the outward showy signs, - the love bombing, is enough but you are ignoring what’s underneath. -he doesn't want to spend time with me and we can't have a conversation without him getting his back up and accusing me of always being annoyed at him etc. His idea of spending time together is sitting at home watching tv. You are pregnant OP, and he is accusing you and ignoring your feelings. That’s not a good kind caring man, a decent father to be. it’s the opposite. You just can’t have that! Only you can stop it.

OP I feel you just want to stick a little plaster on the very real, big signs that this relationship isn’t right for you so that you can go on pretending it is.

In the privacy of your home, (which he feels is his) he treats you like shit. He can’t be bothered to talk to you or take you out or go for a walk and blames you, ignoring your upset and telling you it’s you that is at fault. He would rather be with his mates.
And you are ignoring the fact that he has money troubles. Do you actually know the extent of his money troubles ? Have you done all the financial planning that is necessary to be married with a baby. Do you share financial goals and are you 100% certain he will stick to them?

You are ignoring the fact that the very bones of the relationship, that should be holding it up, just aren’t there. Instead you rely on the trappings - the flowers, gifts, empty words telling you he loves you when deep down you know he doesn’t. That’s why you are in a mess. That’s why you feel your life is ruined. You are so right when you admit this fact anonymously on here.

Your parents are helping to keep this Happy Show on the road. In front of your parents he does all the right things …plays with the children and is the all round good guy, enjoying their approval. Have they congratulated you both on your pregnancy? Is that why you would feel so guilty about ending it?
They have told you that he needs to sort himself out but actually OP, it’s you that needs to sort yourself out too because you find it easier to ignore the facts in front of your very nose so that you can keep the show going. Your parents are part of the show. You feel it would be letting them down to close it down.
Do they even know the extent of your unhappiness as you have admitted here?

Listen OP, your fiancée is only 26. He prefers his mates but he wants to have his cake and eat it. He just isn’t ready to settle down. He’s far too immature. He needs another six years at least to find out what he really wants. He’s certainly not ready for the sleepless nights and commitment and genuine care needed for a baby.He demonstrates this fact already when he blames you or when he ignores your needs and feelings or when he gets angry. He won’t even talk to you …or listen. He’s still a kid himself.

Honestly, it has started to unravel already. You know that. You can’t stop it unravelling. It will continue until you are so lonely and on your knees wishing so much that you had acted earlier.

Handing over my baby for the weekend to a bloke with a history of drugs and alcohol and of ignoring my needs and wishes, would kill me to have to do OP. That’s what you have to think about.
You have to be a proper solid team to bring a child into the world.

Future proof your life and put a stop to this real mess you are in. Don’t tie yourself to him, he’s not right for you.
Your life could be so much better.
You sound like a lovely girl and I know how hard it is, so all the best whatever you decide.

No need to quote the entire OP 🙄

Well they were your words OP, “I’m in a real mess” “smashing things up” “taking cocaine”
He doesn’t listen to you, he doesn’t want to take you out, and a few issues of abuse if my memory serves me right.
You sound like you’re back peddling now, however it’s your life, your choice, and your decision. Good luck OP.

The "smashing things up" that I referred to was back in April we had been out, he was pissed, we argued and he ended up punching the back door in a temper and it smashed. There was instant regret and after I told him it was over he begged and cried for weeks and promised to change, and I must admit he has. He doesn't drink anymore, apart from on special occasions and we haven't had any problems regarding that since - he knows that he's on his last chance and that id leave if anything of the sort happened again.

Well you are pretty sure you would leave now. But you probably won't leave when you have a baby. or a baby and a toddler.

Most women are in relationships where their partners aren't on their last chance. Where they haven't had to say the words "if you are violent again I will leave you" where they have never seen a drunk man break a door.

It is your choice what way you want to live.

I thought punching walls was considered domestic violence? Have you seen the Netflix series Maid, I’d check it out if not

I dunno, violent outbursts when you annoy him still doesn’t sound great even if you play it down as much as it’s possible to. Especially when even after that he still didn’t actually give up alcohol did he. How can alcohol be so vital to him that it’s worth the risk of getting aggressive again around his pregnant partner. I get it, women in much worse situations struggle to walk away, and ending a relationship and potentially a pregnancy is a huge decision, but buying you flowers doesn’t fix all the other stuff you mentioned

I guy who spends money on going out with his mates regularly but won’t go out for a meal with you because he “doesn’t want to spend money” is not one who adores you. Neither is a man whose response to you being upset is to tell you you are trying to manipulate him.

Be honest, with yourself if not with us.

Can you have a conversation with him about difficult stuff? About your health, his health, about your sex life, about raising some sort of polite, but necessary criticism of his behaviour...

Healthy relationships can handle this - its normal to be a bit upset to realise your partner isn't happy that you never clean the lav or you should shower a bit more often, or to realise they're worried about your health, or have some scary health issue themselves... but thats part of being in a relationship.

If such a conversation would result in him getting angry, or telling you you're over sensitive or making it up or its all your fault...

Thats a problem and its one thats going to get worse if theres a kid involved.

Wanting to spend time with his mates and justifying spending to do so, whilst at the same time not wanting to spend time with you, and citing cost as a reason not to... thats a huge problem. He should WANT to spend time with you!

You think he's going to want to spend time at home when you're knackered, need a shower, have a screaming baby and the house is a pig-sty?

OP thinks she can change him.

The change is only temporary though and it’s clear she still annoys him terribly otherwise why would he make her cry. He doesn’t have money and has a recent past of drugs and violence.

No doubt life is fine during the week when they’re both out at work because they’re not spending any time together.

But come the weekend… sparks fly! He’s not marriage material and he’s certainly not dad material. He’s on borrowed time. It’s only been six months. How long can he keep it up?

Op should read he threads on here of dads who keep drinking and never settle as dads. Every weekend out on the lash.

And yet she’s going to chain herself to this man for 20 years having his child…. That’s if he doesn’t up sticks at some point. He’s only 26. They’ve been together 3 or 4 years? He was 22? It’s far too young. He’s going to get itchy feet. It’s quite sad really. Op is living in a make believe bubble. I hope I’m wrong but being older and wiser in my 50s it’s easy to see where young people make a hope a wish and a prayer for something they want to come true that never had a chance.

I very much agree with this.

All the flowers and the Love Bombing in the world, do not make up for the episodes you've described and the addictive personality. It's literally a mood swing, I think. It would probably mean you can't count on him not to swing from one to the other.

Your family "adoring" him is tempered by their recognition of his bad behaviour. They would completely understand if you told them what was going on. And you should.

Having a baby can put a strain on a normal relationship at times, I'd expect it to be more so with a more volatile partner.

Also. Have you thought about what the next 20 years would be like with a partner who gets upset and kicks off everytime you try to communicate with him about a difficult situation? There will be plenty of those in most peoples lives over the years.

Not to mention being tied to someone who never wants to do anything and only wants to sit on the sofa watching TV.. we are not still in lockdown are we?
Imagine coming to them with suggestions of things to do, outings, holidays, activities all the time and being turned down. When you have children you need to be taking them out and doing things with them, family outings, sports clubs, movies, etc. They are on the go all the time and climb the walls if they are stuck indoors watching TV ... think about whether he would be up for that.

This will never get better. If you think he’s not paying any attention to you now just wait 5 years. You’re so very young, find someone who really loves you. It’s not him and it’s no one’s fault but his. Please move on.