I'm in a real mess :(

[despl]

Hi everyone, please be kind to me as I'm not in the best place right now.

A bit of background first - I'm 28 been with fiancé for 4 years (he's 26) I really do love him but we've had a couple of issues over the past year. He likes a drink and often does cocaine on nights out, he has smashed things up in a drunken rage a couple of times (this is if I say the wrong thing to him or something he doesn't like) he had really sorted himself out and will only drink now on occasions and has not acted like that in a while, he knows that I will leave if he does act like that again.

Anyway, we've had an ongoing issue where I feel as though he doesn't want to spend any time with me at all. We literally do absolutely nothing together apart from sit in the house and watch tv, whereas he'll happily go and do things with his friends. If I ask him to go out for dinner he "doesn't want to spend money" if I ask him to go for a walk he "cant be bothered or is too tired"

We had a conversation about this tonight and he ended up getting annoyed saying I'm never happy with anything he does. I got upset and then he started shouting "here we go crying now to make me feel even worse" I feel as though I'm not ever allowed to voice how I feel as he just accuses me of always having it in for him so he'd rather me bottle up my feelings it seems.

I've just come upstairs and have spent my evening upset laying on the bed. The biggest problem here is that I am 9 weeks pregnant. I know it's not ideal but the relationship has always been good although I know it sounds awful typing this out.

I seriously don't know what to do and feel as though my life is ruined 😢

I know it's not ideal but the relationship has always been good

The relationship hasn’t been good OP. Not good at all.

He’s an abusive, drug taking hot-head.

Things are never going to improve. I suspect he won’t be a good or hands-on father either.

My advice would be to end the relationship, as he doesn’t care about you. What are you actually getting out of this relationship? He doesn’t want to spend time with you and he gets angry with you when you bring this issue up. This is no way to live.

End the relationship then you need to make the decision wether you want to keep the baby and be a single parent with little involvement from him, or a termination.

Thank goodness you have supportive parents.

Finnish with him, get him out of your house !!! your parents can help if you need moral or physical support. Have a termination
then read some books re men and relationships.

You can do better, and if you give yourself a chance you will do better.

As it’s your house then tell him to move out. Once he’s no longer in your space, you can get your head clearer and you’ll be able to really see the red flags.

He's happy about the pregnancy because that traps you into staying with him and he gets a "free" house. NEVER sign your house away. NEVER.

Kick him out of the house as he is a toxic nasty man. Have the termination because he is a toxic nasty man and you won't want to let him have 50% of this child as he won't be a decent father. You have to be a decent human being first and he isn't.

Then do The Freedom Programme, and learn to love yourself again, before letting another man into your life. It's time to be strong now so you can have a better future.

I am so glad to hear that you have so much in your favour with your house and your family. Please talk to your parents they will probably say the same as everyone else on this thread. No parents would want their daughter disrespected and involved with such a unsuitable man .

Yes.

This

Tell him to leave. You are letting him dictate to you and throw unreasonable aggressive moody fits in your own house! Then there is the drink and drugs - what are you waiting for exactly?

You can do so much better OP. Don’t just settle for someone because they’re a safe option. Once you hav3 this baby, you’re linked with him for the rest of your life. Is this what you really want for yourself? Life is too short.

I agree with all previous posters.

This man will never make you happy, he has already shown violence and disregard. Get as far out of this relationship as you can as quickly as possible.

One day you will look back with huge relief that you didn't take the path of partnering with a drinker, druggy, rude, dismissive, belitting, verbally and physically abusive man.

Chalk this one up to A Very Close Call.

Dodge this bullet, as fast as you can.

This is the best the relationship will ever get, the honeymoon phase before the challenges of young kids.

He’s behaving himself because he knows you can leave. In these situations, once you lose the ability to leave so easily their behaviour often deteriorates.

You’re 28 - if you left now for good you’d still have plenty of time to meet someone nice.

Good luck to you x

He likes a drink and often does cocaine on nights out, he has smashed things up in a drunken rage a couple of times

Why did you let him stick around to do this more than once?

End the pregnancy and the relationship.

Once you made up your mind, do not approach him alone ensure there is family in your house when you cut the cord. The violence only escalates when the woman wants to leave (or kick the cokehead out in this case). He is on hard drugs has no money and it will only get worse. So sad as you are so young. You can have a great life still, if you play it right. People do not change and you will not fix a druggie. Make sure you are not isolated with him. Play it cautiously to get to safety.

OMG! I can’t believe what you are advising, not to mention your glib statement that ‘many women have had several abortions’.
Who on earth are you??

A good relationship should not be like this, he's not the one for you. After four years, the thought of being single again is hard but the future will be unhappy and harder if you stay together. Do the sensible thing, terminate the pregnancy and split from him.

@despl Listen to this.

I suggest you read the whole thread 🙄

Nothing will give this man the excitement that he gets from going out with his mates and getting high or drunk.

I'm so sorry, I know what I would do but it's something you have to make up your own mind about. I just know I wouldn't want to be still seeing him at the end of the month never mind at the end of 20 years which is what would happen if you had a child together. I think he would be a nightmare to parent with or co-parent with.

Was he the father of your previous pregnancy?

I'm so sorry I can't edit as I'm on my phone. Of course he was the father of the previous pregnancy. I'm sorry if that was insensitive.

Leave him and abort the pregnancy, you deserve more than this rubbish partner, no way should you be tied to him

Keep the house and least get rid of him

can you not see? And I’m not judging but look ahead. Baby crying him slamming out can’t take it any more off for a coke binge, you’re shattered and feeling ratty, he’s slamming out using it as an excuse… he’s shouting at you and you’re 9 weeks pregnant - OP it doesn’t have to be like this! It really doesn’t!

You're in love with him. But that "in love" feeling is tricking you into making terrible choices, namely staying with someone who treats you badly and makes you miserable.

Take a step back - if this was a friend, what advice would you give them.

Separate from him, and have a termination. Yes it will hurt for a bit, but that "in love" feeling will fade and you'll be free of all of this.

What happens when he’s been drinking and the baby won’t stop crying and he flies into a rage?

I wouldn’t let a man with a violent temper who can’t control himself and smashes stuff up anywhere near a baby. Babies are stressful. They are also incredibly vulnerable. One shake can leave them brain damaged or dead.

can’t believe there are people here telling you to abort your baby because of your shitty partner, that’s not fair, I nearly did the same thing - chose not to and we ended up together with another child and we’re all settled down and happy. Don’t listen to strangers on the internet, he might be a crappy partner but that doesn’t mean he’ll be a bad dad