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Original poster

She’s pregnant

219 replies

Newmum20232 · 14/01/2025 20:33

Hi guys,

I need some advice no matter how brutal it is.

Ive been seeing this guy for around 6/7 months and it’s perfect, we met after his relationship just ended which I was a but unsure about but he’s been amazing well it was, I’m head over heels and he’s said he loves me and wants a future including children.

however last week, completely unexpectedly his ex has turned up and said she is 7 months pregnant and it’s his child, she kept it for so long as she wasn’t going to tell him but changed her mind he’s said the dates measure up, they did sleep together just before they broke up and the week later I walked into his life when he came to do some works on my home, he wasn’t looking for anything and neither was I but our chemistry was electric and has been since.

this is such a big shock to us both, he has said he will be doing a paternity test but he does truly believe this could be his baby and a baby he wants to be raising alongside his ex.

What Im selfishly asking is do I stick around? I love this man, he’s fantastic with my son who he met around a month ago, but do I keep this going to watch him become a father in 2 months with another woman, know he’s going to be going round to her home most days, spending some nights to help raise this baby until baby is ready to spend nights away from mum. I’m just lost and my family have told me to let him go but my heart says no but my head says I should. Please help

OP posts:
BitOutOfPractice · 14/01/2025 23:36

Sorry I haven’t RTFT but are you sure he was single when you met him. Are you sure he’s been single all along?

Calochortus · 14/01/2025 23:36

TY78910 · 14/01/2025 20:45

I would try and sus out the OW. Is she likely to be difficult? Cause trouble between you two? Some people can co-parent well and others come with heaps of drama you just don't need in your life.

Keeping her pregnancy for 7 months is manipulative in itself IMO. Why give him so little time to adjust to the news? Baby will come in 8 weeks!! Considering never telling him in the first place? Unless he was abusive then that's also awful. He has the same parental rights as her.

Anyway, it doesn't have to be the end of the world and you may get on just fine as a blended family. You mention you have DC from a prior relationship too. However, it can also be a disaster in the making. You just need to have a sit down with him and honestly talk about the reasons for their break up, what his and OW's intentions are. I'd even be tempted to ask to have a three way convo. It's not like the child was already existing, she's come in to your relationship with dirty boots so to speak.

She’s not the OW they were in a relationship before the OP met him. Why would you want a 3 way conversation for goodness sake, it’s none of the OP’s business what happened before she met him.

@Newmum20232 walk away, you have a child and this could impact him.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 14/01/2025 23:38

IF you really believe him and he's a good man who gets on well with your son and loves him, then I'd support him through this. It feels hard to believe he truly didn't know but if you're sure.

I'm not sure about him sleeping over at hers though. What other support system does she have? Who will she live with?

As an experienced single mum with a newborn what would have been most helpful would be someone doing the morning shift after I'd been up at night with baby so arriving at 5.30/6 and taking baby and letting me sleep in till 10 (this is literally what my parents did for me) there's no need to him to stay overnight for that.

EdithBond · 14/01/2025 23:39

Neodymium · 14/01/2025 23:32

It doesn’t sound like they wanted different things.

settling down - what does that even mean? Married, kids, buy a house? Work on career? I would consider that settling down.

so he wants a house. She wanted to ‘settle down’ but not get a house? She wanted to ‘settle down’ but not work on / allow him to work on his career?

why would you both want to travel and also buy a house? Wouldnt you pick one or the other ? He’s feeding you stories.

id dump him and move on. He’s full of it. And seriously what kind of career is he going to have hitting on clients ? That’s so inappropriate

Yes, good point. The hitting on clients is quite a red flag. Not ethical. And there’s risk he could do it again.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 14/01/2025 23:40

I think it's ridiculous people are expecting you to wait two years to introduce a boyfriend to your son btw. A few months is fine. What if you invest two years of your life with Simeon then your son doesn't like them or they're shit with kids. Just don't move in with them quickly or have them there at your son's bath and bedtime.

StormingNorman · 14/01/2025 23:43

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 14/01/2025 23:38

IF you really believe him and he's a good man who gets on well with your son and loves him, then I'd support him through this. It feels hard to believe he truly didn't know but if you're sure.

I'm not sure about him sleeping over at hers though. What other support system does she have? Who will she live with?

As an experienced single mum with a newborn what would have been most helpful would be someone doing the morning shift after I'd been up at night with baby so arriving at 5.30/6 and taking baby and letting me sleep in till 10 (this is literally what my parents did for me) there's no need to him to stay overnight for that.

If op stays, she doesn’t get to dictate terms on how he bonds with his newborn.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 14/01/2025 23:43

HPBrownSauce · 14/01/2025 21:25

What kind of man breaks up with a woman who's long term, and rebounds straight away with someone whose house he is working on?

Not a decent man.

He'd barely climbed out of bed with her than he was in bed with you.

No time on his own to reflect on what went wrong and not repeat mistakes.

He's already been unreliable with her. Yes, ok, she may have stopped taking the pill to trick him into pregnancy but if their relationship was THAT bad why have sex anyway and why not use condoms? He surely could have predicted she might try to trap him this way.

You need to let this one go.

Nearly all men who like being in relationships get in new ones very very quickly. Sorry but it's true. They just don't do the take 6 months to heal and find myself like women do.

Probably because men (in general) take in relationships so want to feel good again and be looked after whereas women give give give and often find they are so drained and need to practice self care etc after a dying relationship finally ends

DiduAye · 14/01/2025 23:44

Listen to your heart!

HawkersSouth · 14/01/2025 23:45

I'm sorry OP but I'm seeing a lot of red flags here and I think you should back away from this relationship. If it is his child he needs to focus 100% on his DC and mother.
I find it strange that they broke up because he didn't want to settle down yet you talk like you're planning a long term life together. It's all a little starry eyed/true love for me, it's only been 6 months.

PullTheBricksDown · 14/01/2025 23:48

Oh OP that's gutting. I'm sorry.

I think you should tell him that you need to take some space from each other at the very least. He should focus on the coming baby for what remains of the pregnancy. And he should know that this may be it for you. At least you have your son already - this baby may be his but even then there's uncertainty.

BlueGrey2025 · 14/01/2025 23:51

Newmum20232 · 14/01/2025 20:49

So they ended the relationship because they wanted different things, he wanted to travel, buy a house, go up in his career (he’s 33) and she was very adamant of wanting to settle down young (she’s 25).

For me I do believe she wasn’t taking her birth control etc when she told him she was as she wanted to settle down young but for the last 7 months he’s heard nothing from her and she’s only been back in his life for a week, I don’t know if she would try and come between us, she said she didn’t tell him as it’s not something he wanted yet but the further along she got the more she felt he should be involved

Show quote history

I would be thinking of ending it, he moves between women very quickly, around the time you started seeing him he was also sleeping with someone else, an ex who who he was no longer in a relationship with.
It says a lot about him.

Also if you say you were head over heels for him from the moment he walked into your house, it says to me that he is a complete charmer and could be behaving like this towards other women he is doing work for as-well.

Also, he has already started buying baby items, the baby isn’t even born yet, and he only heard about it recently, he is not even 100% sure it is his, It shows a certain rashness to his behaviour and maybe a slight lack of intelligence

Obviously I don’t know him, so I could of course be wrong on all of this

On the upside, he did quickly accept that she may be telling him the truth and that the baby may actually be his and also seems happy about becoming a father, told you etc instead of doing what some guys would do which is deny it and accuse her of being a liar so he may be a nice guy…..but still a player

Peaceandquietandacuppa · 14/01/2025 23:54

changecandles · 14/01/2025 20:48

6 months is not too fast

Show quote history

Yes it is!!

Peaceandquietandacuppa · 14/01/2025 23:55

Are you sure he didn’t cheat on her with you? Sounds very suss to me. I would not get involved - leave them to sort it out. Tell him you’re ending things as it’s so complicated and he needs to focus on his new child.

MsPavlichenko · 15/01/2025 00:05

Newmum20232 · 14/01/2025 20:49

So they ended the relationship because they wanted different things, he wanted to travel, buy a house, go up in his career (he’s 33) and she was very adamant of wanting to settle down young (she’s 25).

For me I do believe she wasn’t taking her birth control etc when she told him she was as she wanted to settle down young but for the last 7 months he’s heard nothing from her and she’s only been back in his life for a week, I don’t know if she would try and come between us, she said she didn’t tell him as it’s not something he wanted yet but the further along she got the more she felt he should be involved

Show quote history

If he wanted different things, and not to settle down then why didn’t he use contraception himself regardless of what she was using or not using?

Delphiniumandlupins · 15/01/2025 00:09

Tbh the reasons he split with his ex (the things he wanted to do with his life) suggest he's not really ready to be settling down with you either. I think you need to take a break in your relationship while he sorts out what role he will play in the new baby's life. Maybe in a year's time he might be ready to start a new relationship.

Eenameenadeeka · 15/01/2025 00:14

Sounds like he most definitely needs a paternity test in this odd situation, but yes if it's his id probably not stick around unfortunately. Too much drama and especially when you have your own child to worry about as well.

MrsToddsShortcut · 15/01/2025 00:18

I'm so sorry, but I would walk away.

His situation has just become very complicated at an early stage in your relationship, and you already have a child, who you need to prioritise and protect from people potentially coming in and out of his life.

I know you feel as though you love him, but I was struck by your description of knowing immediately that he was the one, being in love and chemistry being electric between you.

The early days of a relationship can be heady and overwhelming as you are at the peak of that sexual electricity and the first six months to a year are usually based on that chemical bonding/shagging while you get to know each other. But ultimately that electric chemistry will wear off. - it does anyway, but will probably do so even more quickly with a newborn involved.

The truth is that chemistry, especially if it's strong, can mask the fact that you may not have that much in common or be compatible long term. At seven months, you probably won't know that yet as you won't have got to know each other in enough depth.

Maybe it's time to do a bit of soul searching about whether you are truly irrevocably in love with this man, or whether - truthfully - your mind/body are still a bit scrambled by being firmly still in the 'honeymoon' period where your chemical reactions can overshadow your personalities. It can be incredibly easy to confuse lust and a strong physical desire to be close to someone with actually being in love with them.

I also think you deserve better - not that he is a bad person, but that you should be able to enjoy getting to know someone and having the space and time to have fun, enjoy the relationship, work out where you are going and - if it goes well and looks like it will last long term - then introducing your son and building a life together.

You've been cheated of all of that through no fault of your own, because his previous relationship has turned out to be more complicated than you knew. It's not necessarily his fault either, but both you & your son are going to find yourself in the middle of a stressful, messy and complicated situation if you don't step back.

Which is a longwinded way of saying that there are a million lovely men out there who don't have a pregnant ex-girlfriend who's just turned up to thrust him into fatherhood. Perhaps give yourself the time and space to meet someone who is truly free to focus on you and your son the way you both deserve.

ItsProperlyColdOut · 15/01/2025 00:25

It sounds like he thought he was a free man but now he kind of isn't any more. It's a shame, but I think you are very sensible to reassess.

Does he have a brother...?

AcrossthePond55 · 15/01/2025 00:27

@Newmum20232

I agree with calling time now. Not only is it 'messy' on the surface, but they haven't been 'apart' all that long.

A concern of mine (for your 'heart') is that they didn't break up for any nasty reason (cheating, abuse, etc) they broke up, more than likely not because the feelings weren't there, but because they wanted different things. I know he apparently didn't want to settle down but he does seem to be looking forward (at least a little) to becoming a father. Seems to me that it might be very easy for any feelings to be rekindled. Especially if the woman involved still has strong feelings for him and wants to relight that spark.

Better save yourself some pain. Cut him loose with your best wishes. Give this bit some thought, but if you want to indicate in some way that if the child ends up not being his you're open to speaking again. But you have to decide if that would make it worse for you than not giving him, and yourself, any hopes.

Youngheartsalittletogetherness · 15/01/2025 00:41

Talking about children after 6months in the opening post is lunacy.
He sounds every inch a chancer.

DBD1975 · 15/01/2025 00:51

I would walk away if it is breaking your heart now, it will be worse in the future. My thinking is once the baby is born they will give it another go, I might be wrong but that would be my best guess.
Sorry OP as I know from experience how hard this will be but I think the writing is on the wall.

HollyKnight · 15/01/2025 00:56

Why is a man who wants to travel, work on his career, not settle down, etc, dating a woman with a small child? That's very short-sighted of him. Children within a relationship, whether they are your own or not, will have a massive impact on the relationship. Adding in another under these circumstances would be a no from me. He needs to go focus on his own child. His plan to stay childfree is no longer possible, so the most sensible thing would be for him to see if his relationship with the child's mother is recoverable.

Ohnobackagain · 15/01/2025 00:56

I’d wait for the pat test @Newmum20232 (as long as he is going to be quick getting it). If it is his, it will be hard work. She could have done this deliberately or maybe genuine error - either way I think you need to protect yourself and your child.

suburberphobe · 15/01/2025 01:00

Walk away. Your future self will thank you.

He's not the only man in this world.

BeattySweety · 15/01/2025 01:04

It's not gonna work .
My husband of 20 years got a girl pregnant . He begged me to forgive and stick by him .I did for the sake of our 4 children .
We did try to work it out .. but he had to commit to the new baby ... and our relationship became impossible... .

20 years on I still feel the pain .. and know I should have cut all ties with him .