She’s pregnant

[Newmum20232]

Hi guys,

I need some advice no matter how brutal it is.

Ive been seeing this guy for around 6/7 months and it’s perfect, we met after his relationship just ended which I was a but unsure about but he’s been amazing well it was, I’m head over heels and he’s said he loves me and wants a future including children.

however last week, completely unexpectedly his ex has turned up and said she is 7 months pregnant and it’s his child, she kept it for so long as she wasn’t going to tell him but changed her mind he’s said the dates measure up, they did sleep together just before they broke up and the week later I walked into his life when he came to do some works on my home, he wasn’t looking for anything and neither was I but our chemistry was electric and has been since.

this is such a big shock to us both, he has said he will be doing a paternity test but he does truly believe this could be his baby and a baby he wants to be raising alongside his ex.

What Im selfishly asking is do I stick around? I love this man, he’s fantastic with my son who he met around a month ago, but do I keep this going to watch him become a father in 2 months with another woman, know he’s going to be going round to her home most days, spending some nights to help raise this baby until baby is ready to spend nights away from mum. I’m just lost and my family have told me to let him go but my heart says no but my head says I should. Please help

Walk away quickly and do not look back.

From what you’ve said, he sounds like he might be a very engaged father now he knows. And with that will come and awful lot of feelings for him. And for her. And I am sorry to say you will likely pale into insignificance when that baby comes along.

Save the heartbreak and end it on your terms and with dignity. Then you must sever all contact.

On MN, 6 years is too soon. Take no notice, 6 months is fine... I wish you well but fear other posters are right - you probably need to step away and sit back and watch what happens. Good luck.

My heart goes out to you in this situation, such a difficult position to be in. I guess if it's meant to be he will come find you if you step away but concentrate for now on you and your child as hard as that may be.

So the American version of this is Tom Brady and Gisele Bundchen. And American football GOAT and a supermodel. Extremely wealthy and it was always reported she makes more than he does Divorced now but met when he had just rolled out of Bridget Moynahan’s bed and into Gisele’s. If you are ok with a complicated messy life continue on. If you really want to find a partner who can support you and eventually your son and possibly have future children then end this relationship. He very likely has shagged other women he does work for and he’s careful with his narrative re: dating and breakups If you don’t have the cushion of a million dollars like Gisele I wouldn’t continue this drama Raise the bar for your son and you

Talk about it with him.
I would not have him meet your son again.
Plan on breaking up after positive paternity tests. Go no contact to give them every chance of working out their relationship.
In one year make contact, as a friend, and see how baby and relationship is going; expect that they are a happy couple.

Get on with your own life.

She could have told him at 7 days.

He still couldn’t have done anything about it and would still be responsible for providing money and support if that’s what she wanted.

Waiting 7 months is irrelevant.
If she was waiting to go past the termination date, then that had been and gone way before now.

She’s obviously changed her mind but I don’t think there was a huge plan all along.

I think she wanted the baby and not the relationship and now she’s changed her mind, she either wants just his support or wants the relationship back.

OP for now, I would make sure he has no contact with your son.

Then if the relationship doesn’t work out for whatever reason, you don’t have the extra stress of your son being attached to him.

Your relationship is still very new - falling in love at first sight when he came to do some work in your house makes it sound like you don't know him that well, i think you need to step back and calm down a bit.

I'm a single parent and I think a year in is a good time to introduce kids to a boyfriend, you're still in the honeymoon phase.

I would be devastated too! I think, if you stayed with him, you might start to resent the fact that he has a child with someone else.

I think a massive red flag would be that he went straight from one relationship to another. Plus he said he wanted to travel but here he is with you. I think you need an honest conversation with him. I would be wary if he’s actually giving you honest answers or there has been some kind of overlap. The intense head over heels fast relationships are often the ones to be wary of.

She could be both of those things but still not want to meet the OP.

If it was the other way around and the mother of the baby wanted to meet the OP before she was around the baby I think it's the decent and right thing to do, but the other lady not agreeing to meet the OP to reassure her is fair enough!

It would be very difficult to establish boundaries when the baby isn't even born and there's no established co-parenting going on.

Poor you - what a terrible shock. I'm so sorry your happiness has been blighted. You didn't deserve that. I'd walk away I'm afraid. I couldn't watch someone I was with becoming a father for the first time with someone else. I just don't have it in me. It would tear me apart.

It seems unlikely that you'd have much (anything?) to do with the baby either until the first couple of years are over so you'd be completely on the outside of it all. I do agree that 6 months is far too soon for anyone to meet your son (unless you want him getting to know a potential string of boyfriends which I'm sure is not what you want for him) but I don't think you'd do that again, knowing what you know now.

I'd break up and then maybe YOU go travelling somewhere nice with a friend.

@Newmum20232 the fact that they didn’t break up on bad terms gives pause to think that perhaps given time they might consider rekindling their relationship. Even if that wasn’t a possibility, as others have said, he needs time to adjust and focus on his child and working out an optimal co-parenting relationship. If you stay you’ll end up hurting yourself, as much as you won’t want to you’ll be jealous of the time he spends with her to see the baby, she’ll need support in the first year and ideally he needs to be able to be there for her. I don’t agree with how she’s gone about this and think it was very unfair of her to keep it from him for so long for no good reason but it doesn’t change what has to happen now.

Step away and if it’s meant to be you’ll come back to each other down the line.

Walk away from a situation that will only get more complicated if you stay with him. Your child will get over not seeing him in a very short time.

I’d look at it from the unborn child’s perspective. If there’s even a slim chance her/his parents could make a go of it together, they should be given the chance for the child’s sake. So, I’d step back.

But, if you believe you’re ideal for each other, and are certain how he feels about you, you could keep your options open. Say you want to end it for now, as you feel it’s sensible for all of you. He should focus on becoming a father, plus supporting, and sorting co-parenting, with his ex. And you, quite understandably so early on in your relationship, find it too difficult to be with someone looking forward to a birth with his recent ex. Plus, you must put your son first.

That way he has every chance to rekindle the relationship with his ex. If he doesn’t, after a year or so if they’ve settled down to amicable co-parenting, and if you’re still single, then if you’re that special to him, he has chance to let you know he deffo wants to be with you. Yes, he’ll have first become a father with another woman, but you’ve first become a mother with another man.

Whatever happens, though, you’d have to trust him and what he tells you. And you’d be sensible to meet (and see if you can get on OK with) the ex, as well as feeling comfortable with their dynamic together, before committing to anything. She’ll likely be in his life for good now; certainly for the next 18 years.

If you don’t can’t stomach any of the above, best to end it for good now.

Certainly don’t involve your son anymore until it’s resolved one way or the other.

She doesn't know this girl so her suspicion is only based on the fact she got pregnant.

Also if she trapped him because she was so adamant she wanted to settle down then she would have told him straight away or early on, not watched as he got together with someone new and started to build a relationship.

Her dream of settling down young became further away when she got pregnant and decided to keep the baby as a single mother.

Sounds like he wants to get back with his ex. I don't think you should be hanging around. Not sure I believe all he says.

OP, there is a possibility that he’s got a last fling out his system and is ready to settle down now.

He seems to have taken to fatherhood quickly and enthusiastically. You don’t mention any anger or upset or recrimination on his part which seems unusual. He is unreservedly happy about this development and hasn’t stopped to think how this affects you or your relationship, while making plans for how his relationship with mum and baby will work.

That would tell me what I needed to know to call time.

He left her because he wanted freedom and travel, and jumped straight into a relationship with a woman with a child? Hmmm.

I would step back, give them space to do their thing as mummy and daddy. They may rekindle things or they may just make parenting work but you being there won’t help anyone, least of all you and your son. Protect yourselves by staying away.

Regardless of whether or not this is his child, and I'd be suspicious about the seven months and whether there was somebody else involved who was not good father material, this man is all kinds of ineligible. Life is short and you'd be a fool to wait around and put up with this set up. I am embarrassed to say something similar happened to me. He got married to her. I understand that they or at least he was terribly unhappy. She had a catastrophic miscarriage and couldn't have any more children.

I started seeing my husband a short time later. He promised not to impregnate any ex girlfriends! My husband was really the one - a much better man all round. That was decades ago. There is far too much drama attached to this and you should get out. Yes, I had thought the man I was seeing was "the One" too and I was incredibly sad and upset. If I ever think of him nowadays though, its always with a feeling of relief that I wasn't in the middle of that. They did eventually divorce but he had the decency not to look me up though, of course, I was happily married to somebody else by that stage.

It doesn’t sound like they wanted different things.

settling down - what does that even mean? Married, kids, buy a house? Work on career? I would consider that settling down.

so he wants a house. She wanted to ‘settle down’ but not get a house? She wanted to ‘settle down’ but not work on / allow him to work on his career?

why would you both want to travel and also buy a house? Wouldnt you pick one or the other ? He’s feeding you stories.

id dump him and move on. He’s full of it. And seriously what kind of career is he going to have hitting on clients ? That’s so inappropriate

Honestly? I'd be out.
It's going to be unbearable.

She'll be going all out to reel him back as she's concluded she doesn't want to do this alone. That's why she's back.

You're now living a horrible uncertain, anxious and suspicious life.

Then one day soon he'll sheepishly announce 'we need to talk ...'

If they don't get back together and you make a go of it? You'll need to come to terms with the fact that she will always be in your lives (for the next 18 years definitely.)

If you have kids with him, his attention, interest and income will always be pulled two ways.

It would be wise to look at each eventuality and decide a game plan for each.

One good thing was hopefully he carried out good work at your place?
He sounds as if he will try and give it a go with her and their child. Maybe he'll call you for a hook up when reality of newborn life hits him and he is fed up of puke, lack of sleep and a hormonal partner. Just cut him off. You will get hurt or worse, hurt and pregnant

Paternity test needed as soon as possible.