Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

She’s pregnant

219 replies

Newmum20232 · 14/01/2025 20:33

Hi guys,

I need some advice no matter how brutal it is.

Ive been seeing this guy for around 6/7 months and it’s perfect, we met after his relationship just ended which I was a but unsure about but he’s been amazing well it was, I’m head over heels and he’s said he loves me and wants a future including children.

however last week, completely unexpectedly his ex has turned up and said she is 7 months pregnant and it’s his child, she kept it for so long as she wasn’t going to tell him but changed her mind he’s said the dates measure up, they did sleep together just before they broke up and the week later I walked into his life when he came to do some works on my home, he wasn’t looking for anything and neither was I but our chemistry was electric and has been since.

this is such a big shock to us both, he has said he will be doing a paternity test but he does truly believe this could be his baby and a baby he wants to be raising alongside his ex.

What Im selfishly asking is do I stick around? I love this man, he’s fantastic with my son who he met around a month ago, but do I keep this going to watch him become a father in 2 months with another woman, know he’s going to be going round to her home most days, spending some nights to help raise this baby until baby is ready to spend nights away from mum. I’m just lost and my family have told me to let him go but my heart says no but my head says I should. Please help

OP posts:
Original poster
Newmum20232 · 14/01/2025 20:49

TY78910 · 14/01/2025 20:45

I would try and sus out the OW. Is she likely to be difficult? Cause trouble between you two? Some people can co-parent well and others come with heaps of drama you just don't need in your life.

Keeping her pregnancy for 7 months is manipulative in itself IMO. Why give him so little time to adjust to the news? Baby will come in 8 weeks!! Considering never telling him in the first place? Unless he was abusive then that's also awful. He has the same parental rights as her.

Anyway, it doesn't have to be the end of the world and you may get on just fine as a blended family. You mention you have DC from a prior relationship too. However, it can also be a disaster in the making. You just need to have a sit down with him and honestly talk about the reasons for their break up, what his and OW's intentions are. I'd even be tempted to ask to have a three way convo. It's not like the child was already existing, she's come in to your relationship with dirty boots so to speak.

So they ended the relationship because they wanted different things, he wanted to travel, buy a house, go up in his career (he’s 33) and she was very adamant of wanting to settle down young (she’s 25).

For me I do believe she wasn’t taking her birth control etc when she told him she was as she wanted to settle down young but for the last 7 months he’s heard nothing from her and she’s only been back in his life for a week, I don’t know if she would try and come between us, she said she didn’t tell him as it’s not something he wanted yet but the further along she got the more she felt he should be involved

OP posts:
outerspacepotato · 14/01/2025 20:50

"I didn’t think 6 months was too soon? Is that really soon in the grand scheme of parenting? What would you advise is a time to wait to introduce?"

You said you met him the week after he broke up with someone. That's a rebound. Take time to make sure your relationship is stable before you go introducing your young child to the new guy, especially when the new guy says he is freshly single.

This man is attached with a new baby soon to be here

BettyBardMacDonald · 14/01/2025 20:50

And 6 months was way too soon. Look how it's turned out!

Your child should be your priority, not your love life. Date casually and don't introduce men into his life until you've known them for a couple of years.

BlondeMamaToBe · 14/01/2025 20:51

Newmum20232 · 14/01/2025 20:37

That’s my fear as although we’ve had something amazing for almost 7 months we are still fairly new, watching him this last week has destroyed me, he’s been out and bought baby things and it’s broken my heart knowing that it’s not a child of ours that this is for

Show quote history

This is sad for you and will be incredibly difficult to watch but it’s great that he’s stepping up. I can’t help but think they’ll end up close again and you’ll end up hurt. I suspect you’ll feel sidelined.

SaveMeFromMyBoobs · 14/01/2025 20:51

I mean he could do a DNA test and it not be his. Really he should ask (and offer to pay) for a prenatal non-invasive paternity test. Give him space.

Original poster
Newmum20232 · 14/01/2025 20:51

ShelfyElfy25 · 14/01/2025 20:46

As much as it will hurt to end it now, it will hurt less than watching him become a father with another women and live in fear of them rekindling their relationship. If in 12 months he's figured things out then maybe you'll get back together. But right now you need to walk away.

I truly thought he was the one, honestly the second he walked into my home to do the works I was head over heels and from how the last 6 months have been I think he is too. The thought of walking away from that love is what terrifies me, I’d love for us to of been forever

OP posts:
WEB83 · 14/01/2025 20:51

He sounds like he’s going to be a great dad to his LO, but I would want to protect my heart and step away now before it gets any more painful. Focus on you and your child

Moveoverdarlin · 14/01/2025 20:52

I would 100 percent walk away now.

How will you feel introducing this man to your friends and family? Or telling your girlfriends about him? ‘This is Mark, we met when he’s was working on my house, he’s got a child due in the spring with his ex…’

Talk about a dampener, it’s all a bit messy and Jeremy Kyle.

Original poster
Newmum20232 · 14/01/2025 20:52

ShelfyElfy25 · 14/01/2025 20:46

Does he know you're thinking of ending things? What does he have to say about it?

I don’t think he does know I’m thinking of ending it, we haven’t really discussed it but I should really have that conversation with him

OP posts:
Bob02 · 14/01/2025 20:53

You've know him for a few months. Honestly, I've had food going off in my fridge for longer. Walk away.

Flopsy145 · 14/01/2025 20:54

If it's meant to be you'll find your way back to one another, but I think watching this play out first hand would just be very hard and upsetting. In your position I would say something along the lines of "as much as I love you for my own sake I need to step away, wish you and the baby all the best and once the dust has settled and you're settled in a routine etc we can see where things stand."
My DH had a one year old when I met him, his ex was spinning out and was very cruel. I didn't engage with her until I met her and their son a year or so later and now many years down the line we all are friendly and get on. So that would be my advice, if there's a possibility of a future with him in a year or two just don't get into a tit for tat back and forth with the ex

Nodlikeyouwerelistening · 14/01/2025 20:54

Yeah, cut him loose. He is going to have a family and it’s not with you. This baby is going to tightly bond them for the next few years at least…. But to be honest, my gut says they will get back together and live as a family unit anyway. Your life will be on pause until he decides to officially get back with the mother of his baby.
You’re not too invested at this point so take it on the chin and wish them well.

Rachmorr57 · 14/01/2025 20:55

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster
Newmum20232 · 14/01/2025 20:55

Moveoverdarlin · 14/01/2025 20:52

I would 100 percent walk away now.

How will you feel introducing this man to your friends and family? Or telling your girlfriends about him? ‘This is Mark, we met when he’s was working on my house, he’s got a child due in the spring with his ex…’

Talk about a dampener, it’s all a bit messy and Jeremy Kyle.

Oh my gosh when you put it like that in really am living a Jeremy Kyle situation, the way that’s worded is so true but to see it written out like that, wow it stabs in the wound a bit deeper but needed thank you

OP posts:
BlondeMamaToBe · 14/01/2025 20:56

I would be honest with how you feel before you make any decisions.

Mrsttcno1 · 14/01/2025 20:56

Newmum20232 · 14/01/2025 20:45

Thank you for this message, I really needed this one.
The way you have put it about this being his focus and how it should be is the words I needed he has been to see me everyday since this and you’re right that I need him to focus solely on his child and not me. Thank you

Show quote history

Absolutely. I’d also say (as someone who very recently went through the newborn/tiny baby trenches) even if things kept up until the baby is here it would be really difficult to maintain a relationship once he is in the trenches and you aren’t. I love my husband but if he hadn’t been physically in the house and in it with me I wouldn’t have been able to maintain our relationship in those early days, I didn’t have the energy, time or headspace for dates, chats, texts etc, it’s pure survival mode with the person in it with you.

Original poster
Newmum20232 · 14/01/2025 20:56

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

He isn’t a replacement father? My son has a dad that sees him regularly.

Yes is was great he is wonderful with my son but he wasn’t a replacement dad, his dad is his dad.

OP posts:
FoxtrotOscarKindaDay · 14/01/2025 20:57

Newmum20232 · 14/01/2025 20:39

Thank you for being honest, it’s just heartbreaking I’m so sad my son has met him, I left it 6 months to be so sure about introducing him and then this has happened

Show quote history

Your son only met him a month ago, he's not a big presence in his life, he will forget about him in a month.

Protect both of you though and stop seeing this man. He's getting the baby he wanted. Sounds like he is going to step up and be a dad. Let him do that.

7 months relationship is far too soon to be discussing children imo when you already have a child that he only met a month ago. Especially with a man that was still sleeping with his ex a week before you started an intense relationship.

TY78910 · 14/01/2025 20:58

Newmum20232 · 14/01/2025 20:49

So they ended the relationship because they wanted different things, he wanted to travel, buy a house, go up in his career (he’s 33) and she was very adamant of wanting to settle down young (she’s 25).

For me I do believe she wasn’t taking her birth control etc when she told him she was as she wanted to settle down young but for the last 7 months he’s heard nothing from her and she’s only been back in his life for a week, I don’t know if she would try and come between us, she said she didn’t tell him as it’s not something he wanted yet but the further along she got the more she felt he should be involved

Show quote history

I might be wrong but something is telling me that if she was adamant she wanted to settle down and you suspect she wasn’t taking contraception then she’s trapped him. It does also take two to tango I do appreciate that.

sounds like this might turn in to a headache. Either she’s hoping for a rekindling or she’s going to be making demands for his time / money / do things you read on here like say he can’t have the kid when you’re around blah blah

Moveoverdarlin · 14/01/2025 20:58

Newmum20232 · 14/01/2025 20:52

I don’t think he does know I’m thinking of ending it, we haven’t really discussed it but I should really have that conversation with him

Show quote history

You haven’t discussed it? That in itself is odd. Surely he must have thought…‘Fuck! Sophie is pregnant! This is gonna throw a massive spanner in the works with Amy, she might dump me if I have a child due with another woman!’

If that hasn’t crossed his mind he must be extremely cocky or stupid.

Fargo79 · 14/01/2025 20:59

6 months is way too soon. Especially when the man is days out of a serious relationship and on the rebound.

I'd bow out of this now. Let them see if they can work things out. If there's a chance for them to be together and make it work as a family then that's the right thing. From your update, they didn't split because they didn't love each other or because of a betrayal or anything. They had different ideas about when to start a family, which is now irrelevant because a baby is coming and they are both apparently very happy about it. The whole reason for their split has now been resolved and they are about to be once again intensely involved with each other and bonding over their shared newborn.

I think you can really do a noble thing and save yourself some heartache by letting him go.

outerspacepotato · 14/01/2025 21:00

"So they ended the relationship because they wanted different things, he wanted to travel, buy a house, go up in his career"

He supposedly broke up with ex because she wanted to settle down and he wants to travel and work a lot.

What part of that would make you think he wanted a stable long term relationship?

You need to look at what your long term goals look like.

TwistedWonder · 14/01/2025 21:01

There’s a few flags that jump out of your OP tbh

You met him a week after he split with his ex and he was sleeping with her right up until the end - did she actually know they’d split up?

You’ve only got his word that he didn’t know she was pregnant. Maybe he's known a while and been biding his time his to break the news to you

You say he’s fantastic with your son but they only met a few weeks ago so he’s on his absolute best behaviour right now. And I do agree 6 months is early to introduce a new man into a child’s life.

They broke up because he wanted to travel and yet he’s jumped straight into a rebound relationship. They doesn’t quite ring true

The language you use about this man is telling. It does seem you’re wearing rose tinted specs which are hiding the red flags.

BaldingsBeaver · 14/01/2025 21:01

Run the fk away. Nobody needs that shit.

Theextraordinaryisintheordinary · 14/01/2025 21:02

The pain you feel now will be tenfold if you stick around. His head will be elsewhere now. I’m sorry you’re experiencing this. So sad but clearly not meant to be. Be sensible.