She’s pregnant

[Newmum20232]

Hi guys,

I need some advice no matter how brutal it is.

Ive been seeing this guy for around 6/7 months and it’s perfect, we met after his relationship just ended which I was a but unsure about but he’s been amazing well it was, I’m head over heels and he’s said he loves me and wants a future including children.

however last week, completely unexpectedly his ex has turned up and said she is 7 months pregnant and it’s his child, she kept it for so long as she wasn’t going to tell him but changed her mind he’s said the dates measure up, they did sleep together just before they broke up and the week later I walked into his life when he came to do some works on my home, he wasn’t looking for anything and neither was I but our chemistry was electric and has been since.

this is such a big shock to us both, he has said he will be doing a paternity test but he does truly believe this could be his baby and a baby he wants to be raising alongside his ex.

What Im selfishly asking is do I stick around? I love this man, he’s fantastic with my son who he met around a month ago, but do I keep this going to watch him become a father in 2 months with another woman, know he’s going to be going round to her home most days, spending some nights to help raise this baby until baby is ready to spend nights away from mum. I’m just lost and my family have told me to let him go but my heart says no but my head says I should. Please help

A really horrible situation for you OP but you would be doing yourself a huge disservice by waiting in the wings for this man.

You would no longer be his priority and, even if you stayed in a relationship with him, you would never be 100% sure he won’t return to his ex and their child further down the line when you are even more invested than you are now. Similar happened to a colleague of mine after a three year relationship….his child started to call him “Daddy” and he decided to give the relationship with his ex another go as they now wanted the same things.

That’s no way to live for you. Move forwards with your own life knowing you are capable of finding love and sustaining a relationship with a man who can commit wholeheartedly to you.

His child will always come before you. It's too new a relationship for this. Let him go.

I think 6 months was far too soon for your child to meet a boyfriend of yours too. A year would be the earliest I'd think was ok. After their divorce, my sibling waited 2.5 years to introduce them to their subsequent partner...only when they knew it was a really committed relationship and it might be in the kids' best interests to meet the person who they wanted to build a real future with and who could offer them consistency and stability. This was based on the advice of their own therapist and the childrens' therapist.

I wouldn't end the relationship now. You say you love him and your son likes him also. What if you were meant to be together ? Give him some space if he needs it and see how your relationship develops over the coming weeks. You may regret it forever if you leave him now

Step away from the relationship for your own sanity. You can’t handle what comes next if buying baby clothes makes you cry.

More baby supplies, decorating the baby’s room, going to appointments, being at the birth, driving mum and baby home, staying in the same house, him looking after mum and baby, proud dad social media posts, his whole family being excited and talking about baby and the ex…

You can’t have a relationship where you pretend his child doesn’t exist.

It happens very frequently.

Unless men want to be saddled with a child, they need to condom up and or get a vasectomy.

Women can get irrational urges to get pregnant and don’t care how it happens.

Men have to be proactive in preventing this if it’s not what they want.

i don’t know about Jeremy Kyle. I think it’s giving Kyle Walker vibes.

He is going to be over at his exes regularly. Every time he goes you are going to wonder if he is being faithful. If she always wanted a family with him then she’s pretty much got what she wanted. Rekindling the relationship is the last puzzle piece and I’m absolutely sure she’ll be doing everything she can to get him back.

I would not be playing second fiddle to this new family dynamic. That child deserves for its mum and dad to give things another go and I wouldn’t get in the way of it.

No fuck that for a game of soldiers.

Firstly im sorry for the pain you feel OP. Its okay the likes of myself and others sitting behind a keyboard saying run when in reality you have feelings for this man and never in a million years would anyone dream this would happen. I dont think in all honesty you will be able to leave him as you do clearly love him but I can see how this pains you as it would any of us watching the partner we are with and love attend baby scans with another woman. You can either walk away now but that would in all honesty take a hell of a lot of strength and you need to not doubt your decision or you'll always be thinking what if or as others have said you gradually become a bit more distant certainly dont have him around your son and see how things play out in time. He may well come to you and say their giving it another shot or he may not but I do feel what you will need is a lot of reassurance from him and a deep conversation about whats he wants and unfortunately he might not be able to give you the level of reassurance you need as his attention is elsewhere and I go rightly so as much as it hurts this is life changing stuff its exciting and scary I mean he has just been told he will be a dad in 2 months he is a mixture of emotions and probably can't think about anything else. If it where me i would love to say I would leave them to it and then if in a year he wants to get back in touch let him but im not that strong. Just slowly let go bit and bit and see how it goes give him time I guess and most importantly find out does he want the three of them together what are his thoughts? I feel like either way you get hurt in this situation to be honest it either hurts now to let him go or a slow painful one of watching them build this separate "family". Try if you can focusing on yourself and your son. Keep yourself busy, put a little bit of distance and focus on being happy and confident again by yourself so either way it will help you to feel stronger quicker.

If you were head over heels from the second you met him that’s lust, not love. What you felt immediately isn’t love, it sounds like you are just in the honeymoon period where it is exciting and new and you’re likely love bombing each other. You can’t really know somebody in six months and what you’re feeling won’t be a real, deep love. Walk away and let him focus on his newborn.

She waited seven months because she didn't want him to talk her out of it. She was always going to have the baby. He will be in her life for the next 25 years and she in his.

So she'll be in your life too.

Do you want that constant reminder?

Trouble with this is it enmeshes her son and the bloke will be bouncing between two women , having sex with both , upsetting OP and her son ( her son will know that his mum is upset)

Op needs to cut this one out of her life.

You're deranged if you think she hasn't deliberately interjected with this news now, don't be so naïve.

dreadful advice.

How sure are you about what he has told you, is it possible that he has been seeing her all along, or that he has known for ages that she is pregnant but has kept it from you. Either way it's way too messy and it's likey that you and your dc will end up getting hurt.

OP in the last six months your boyfriend has broken up with someone, jumped straight into another relationship, been introduced to your son, talks you he loves you and finds out he is going to be a dad by his ex. This is a lot for anyone.

Jumping from one relationship to another is never a great idea and I would be worried that him and his ex wanted different things rather than fallen out of love for example.

You are entitled to be happy but falling so hard so quickly with a child makes me feel like a bit of slowing down and caution would be your friend right now.

It’s astonishing that people can’t see the planning here- Of course she’d planned this baby - the 7 month telling is classic .
7 months is beyond legal termination times.

She wants money and support now.

I think you should walk away now. In a couple of months he is going to be a new parent and his time will be taken up with caring for his new baby. He will be spending a lot of time with his ex. Do you really think your relatively new relationship would survive this? You are going to be left feeling sidelined and resentful. Honestly, it's for the best that you end it now.

If I were you I would walk away asap. This is going to be such a difficult thing to navigate so early into a relationship. It sounds like he jumped straight from the relationship with his ex into one with you.

You need to shield your child
from all of this drama. There are other men out there.

I think you have done everything right. This is just such bad luck, and none of it is your making.

First thing I'd do is wait to see if he is the bio father.
You may have to accept he's the right person at the wrong time, it so very messy.
Either way you need to slow things down until you're sure of him, for your son and yourself. Take care @Newmum20232, I hope everything works out for the best xx

This isn't love I'm afraid, it's lust. Yes it'll be a wrench to walk away but imo there's no such thing as 'the one' esp where you're driven by lust and physical attraction and you're only 6/7 months in.

This is all the advice you need.

I wouldn’t end it as long as:-

1. it was definitely the last time they had sex and he hasn’t been seeing her while seeing you,
2. there was no danger of them getting back together.

I don’t think the final break-up sex is a deal breaker. Plenty of people do that, and I’ve had a few friends who’ve met their future spouse within days of a break-up.

I would give it some time and see how things look. He’s only just found out, of course he’s going to be consumed by it. And yes, when the baby arrives he’ll love him/her more than anything else in the world. But I’m sure you feel that way about your son too, you’re just a few years further down the line.

As I say, as long as I could be sure they weren’t still wanting to be together, I would just carry on as normal and see how it all plays out.

OP, do you believe DP's account? It is pretty unusual for an ex (who presumably lives close by and probably has friends in common with DP) to turn up 7 months pregnant as a complete surprise. Why would she do that? She'll have to contact him about child support anyway, and you don't have to wait 7 months to avoid pressure about terminating.
Either way, I think it would be agony to watch your partner become a first time dad, and you need to let this go. Very sad for you.

It’s admirable that he is doing right by his ex and being a supportive father.
If you think he’s a decent sort, you need to talk about how he sees this co- parenting working out and establish boundaries.

I’d want to meet the other woman and see how she was - is she friendly/ accepting of his new relationship etc ?