Husband messages my friends

[XDaiseyX]

My Husband messages the majority of my female friends on social media ( privately ), commenting on stories they’ve put up. I’ve told him I’m not comfortable with him having private conversations with my friends ( or any women ) but he continues to do so. He says he’s just being friendly.

My issue stems from years ago. He was messaging 1 of my friends and it turned out he had a ‘massive crush’ on her. I didn’t like them getting closer by having private chats so told him I didn’t want him to do so again.
This lasted a short while but he’s started to do it again.

Some people may think this is petty, but I’m sure most people have do’s and don’ts for their own relationships. Should I just let it slide or put my foot down more about the subject?

What are your friends responding with? How do you know? Have any of them raised this with you?

I wouldn't let it slide, no. A few of my friends have sent my partner friend requests on SM. He's accepted because he doesn't have a reason not to and they get on well enough but he's told me each time for transparency because he doesn't feel it's necessary really. His boundaries are similar to mine in this regard.

I wouldn't be happy if private messages were being exchanged because I've been the 'friend' in that scenario and it's not once been innocent.

And your husband has form.

You aren't being petty or unreasonable OP. If the shoe was on the other foot what would he say ?

You can be absolutely sure that your friends hate it and think it's weird and inappropriate too, and are only being polite back.

I think it depends how much he’s doing it and how well he knows them. Are they his friends too - in that you all socialise together? If so, every so often is fine. But I’d find it strange if anyone I vaguely knew constantly messaged me on social media, let alone a friend’s husband. And why do it privately??

It’s always just chit chat. There’s been nothing sexual or flirty as far as I know. But he’ll never tell me. It will be my friend who tells me, ‘oh your husband was messaging me about this or that’ the other day. And when I bring it up with him he says there’s no point in telling me because it’s not important.

This is not petty. Red flag.

Is he also private messaging male acquaintances of yours? If not, his "just being friendly" seems like a lie, doesn't it?

How would he respond to you messaging men he knows?

It will be my friend who tells me, ‘oh your husband was messaging me about this or that’ the other day

how embarrassing for you

Mostly it’s my friends, which he’s got to know through me. I wouldn’t mind if it was every now and again but it seems like it’s quite often. I think my friends tell me incase I took offense to them having ‘private chats’

You've asked him once not to do this. He didn't listen and is doing it again.
I wouldn't trust him as far as I could throw him, OP. Is this what you want for the rest of your life?

It's bizarre
I'd be mortified

You've told him you’re not comfortable with why he’s doing and he disregards your feelings and does it regardless.

That’s enough of a red flag imo.

Nope not appropriate at all and I expect your friends are embarrassed.

Hasn’t he got his own friends?

But why IS he having private chats? Social media is precisely that, you chat in public - apart from rare occasion where you take it into DMs. There’s no need to and the fact he’s doing it, is plain creepy

I occasionally message back and forth with a couple of my friends husbands, nothing untoward, we all socialise together, get on well and if I see something that would interest/amuse them I may send to them and vice versa and we will also communicate about plans etc. Nothing suspect or unreasonable. However, whilst I may not mention it every time to my DH (that would be a bit odd) I also would never hide it from him. More importantly we both completely trust each other and are both completely committed to each other. In your circumstances this must feel very different - given his previous behaviour he should understand that, whether or not he is doing this to try start something - he should be doing whatever you need to help you feel safe and secure in your relationship.

I couldn't imagine my DH contacting my friends just like I don't contact his so this makes me feel uncomfortable. The issue though is that you already brought it up before and he still does it.

Since he has form, you're not being unreasonable to wonder why he's doing this. To be honest, I'd have chucked him in the bin as soon as he tried it on with a mate.

Ew no, how can you bear to be married to a man who sniffs out your friends like this?

As I said before, He was messaging my friend years ago, but he actually told me. My friend lied and said they’d never messaged before, she said the same to her boyfriend. Since then I just thought it was too weird. He said there was nothing in it, even though he found her ‘attractive’ but said he would stop. As far as I know though he’s just carried on the whole time and I’ve just found out. He deletes nearly all his messages so even if I took his phone I probably wouldn’t find anything. And how mad would I sound if I went round asking females if my husband had messaged them.

Why aren't they blocking him?

It says as much about the friends as it does about him!

Ew. Your friends must be embarrassed for you.

And why does he think it's OK to dismiss what you've said?

He has like a ‘Gym’ WhatsApp group with a few friends he occasionally chats in, but he doesn’t generally chat with his own friends on social media tbh.

@XDaiseyX you'd sound like a woman married to a man who is trying to sound out her friends in the hope of extramarital thrills.

His behaviour is rude and disrespectful, and unfortunately it may happen that a "friend" reciprocates or uses it to embarrass you.

This wouldn’t be for me. It would also give me the major i l - can’t think of another word for ick. It would be a major turn off outwith just being weird and not acceptable.

Casting the net to see what he can catch.