Husband messages my friends

[XDaiseyX]

My Husband messages the majority of my female friends on social media ( privately ), commenting on stories they’ve put up. I’ve told him I’m not comfortable with him having private conversations with my friends ( or any women ) but he continues to do so. He says he’s just being friendly.

My issue stems from years ago. He was messaging 1 of my friends and it turned out he had a ‘massive crush’ on her. I didn’t like them getting closer by having private chats so told him I didn’t want him to do so again.
This lasted a short while but he’s started to do it again.

Some people may think this is petty, but I’m sure most people have do’s and don’ts for their own relationships. Should I just let it slide or put my foot down more about the subject?

my friends husbands have messaged me on occasion usually to ask a favour or arrange a get together or respond to something or send me something we have talked about. Sometimes to ask my advice on something (I’m a teacher) I consider us all friends and I would find it weird if anyone had an issue. I wouldn’t say we regularly message for no reason. Like one messaged a week ago to ask me about being a job reference for their son.

I'm not trying to be hurtful op but - to your friends and acquaintances - his behaviour must look (at best) weird, and at worst; like he's on the pull/a chancer.

Your friends are telling you to let you know/make sure you know (and also probably for transparency so they can't be accused of communicating with him behind you back/"secretly").

That nail tech is trying to tell you something.

Hi Nail wifey I'm messaging to support your business
Nail wifey..do you want an appointment.
No I'm just messaging you.
What a prick businesses need money for support.
He really is a fud!!

Did any of them have a "massive crush" on you ?

Do you have any male friends or acquaintances, op?

Any with small businesses?

Does he private message them too?

he realized he missed the interactions etc and started to try and get that back through different women, but it was never the same so kept going

Sorry, just to add to a previous post on this ..... Do you think anyone should have to tolerate a partner who is seeking attention, validation, flirtation etc. from the opposite sex regularly (and who even exploits their own friend/acquaintance/service provider circle to seek it)?

And that's the best case scenario.

I'm wondering what would have happened if your mate that he says he had the massive crush on hadn't pulled back.

I'd also wonder what he'd do if any of the women he's messaging were up for it.

He needs dumped anyway, but I don't think I could resist homey trapping him with a new (fake) service provider - beautician or something - with attractive photos - and see how it goes.

I think you want to believe it's just for attention/validation and is "sad" and sort of innocent; but tbh that could be a fallacy.

That’s weird, why on earth would he be following these people
I personally think it’s only a matter of time before he has an affair, he seems to crave female attention and maybe gets a kick from contacting women you know as he knows you have already asked him to stop.

Wouldn't trust him at all

I would be embarrassed if my partner was contacting my friends privately, it’s completely unnecessary to comment on their posts

I don't mean to come across like a cow or unsympathetic but I don't understand your position OP. Why do you need to have it out with him and, if you are going to have it out with him, why are you delaying?

You don't sound like you're leaving him over this so what is it you want to achieve?

You can't and shouldn't have to force someone to respect you however I think you need to set the tone as people tend to, not always, treat you how you allow.
The fact you have to tell him this repeatedly anyway should be enough of dealbreaker for you.

Everything you've written about his behaviour is unacceptable and yet he continues.
So forget trying to change him and get hjm doing what you want. What are you going to do to ?

I would expect my DH would message my friends if he had something to talk to them about. But he'd just WhatsApp them.

I wouldn't mind because I trust him completely and would message his friends if I need to as well.

For example I might message someone to say happy birthday or ask for advice about something they know about...

DH might message my friend to share a joke or make an arrangement or ask them about something they have more knowledge about....

The difference here seems to be that you don't trust him. You maybe don't share friends? And it's out of the blue on social media. Bit weird yes.

DH also chats with all the neighbours both male and female.

He has never mentioned having any crushes though. That's unacceptable!

Ok this is weird.

@Neodymium
In no way is that comparable, these ppl you mention are genuine, he's fishing with random women on his wives SM, DMs to her nail tech? c'mon now

He says he hasn't messaged the nail tech ....but what the nail tech said to the op is very left-field; 'so you're leaving your h soon/you're breaking up soon".
Saying that to a woman who hasn't raised that subject with you (!!) ....

There's something going on there; whether it's his behaviour to her personally, or that she's heard on the grapevine that he's following and messaging several women working in that industry (and maybe people know about op's friends too, It's a small world).

I don't think I could resist honey trapping him with a new (fake) service provider - beautician or something - with attractive photos - and see how it goes

Just to add, I wouldn't do that right now. He's obviously aware it's an issue that is at the forefront.

If you stay with him, I'd wait until he thinks everything on that front has died down. Otherwise he may well recognise a honey trap/cat fish

Personally op, I would also speak to that nail tech again and ask her what she was referring to; that you'd really appreciate it. Try to do it in as civil a way as possible.

The thing is, even if this behaviour is truly all only for female attention & validation.....that's not acceptable behaviour in a relationship. No-one has to take that. It's an extremely unfair, uncomfortable thing to do to someone.
You are also embarrassing them, causing them awkwardness & making your marriage look like a joke within their friendship & acquaintance circle.

And I doubt he'd take it from you.
(And even if he did, that wouldn't make it ok).

Well said.

He is inappropriate to say the least a d you are clutching at straws to try explain it away. The truth is hard to look in the eye, but it is right there OP.
He didn’t ‘get the wrong idea’. He is the one actively pursuing women.

I have a guy like this in a group I go to karaoke with. He started out messaging about the karaoke dates and was I going with my friend. I responded because I like him and his partner, who also goes. Eventually he would message spurious things to try and chat with me. He didn't do it with my friend though. It didn't feel right and I stopped responding unless it was about the next karaoke. Even when I responded, I kept it short and to the point. Last time I went, another one of the ladies in the group told me (completely out of the blue and, I think, without knowing that he had messaged me) that he had messaged her and her daughter, and that the messages had become a bit flirty.

I felt torn the whole time, because I tried to think he was just being friendly - but there was always an underlying worry. I really like his partner, so I was sad to think that my instincts were correct and that he is just a player.

Not saying that your partner is being a sleeze, but him messaging your friends is inappropriate.

No certainly not. I think males and females can be friends though.

The only thing I have ever messaged my friends' husbands is ideas for birthday/Xmas gifts for things that my friend has said in passing she likes.

It's also the only reason they have ever messaged me. (To ask for opinions/ideas!)

What your husband is doing is slightly OTT.

How weird.
Tell him to get his own friends and to stop bugging yours.
It would really give me the ick.

He need to stop it full stop or lose you. Not acceptable!

I'm very gullible and apparently dim about these things (according to my friends), but OP, there is no way your DH is innocently messaging these women. He is getting a thrill out of it or wants to start an affair.

The nail lady was definitely trying to tell you something so he is likely to have messaged her something inappropriate which made her think your marriage is on the rocks. Small business owners do not go around predicting their client's divorces! They would lose business. I think she was testing to see if you knew what he was doing.

Men in their 30s also don't go seeking random acquaintances for small talk, especially if they have a young family and friends. Sorry OP, you need to get your head out of the sand.