Husband messages my friends

[XDaiseyX]

My Husband messages the majority of my female friends on social media ( privately ), commenting on stories they’ve put up. I’ve told him I’m not comfortable with him having private conversations with my friends ( or any women ) but he continues to do so. He says he’s just being friendly.

My issue stems from years ago. He was messaging 1 of my friends and it turned out he had a ‘massive crush’ on her. I didn’t like them getting closer by having private chats so told him I didn’t want him to do so again.
This lasted a short while but he’s started to do it again.

Some people may think this is petty, but I’m sure most people have do’s and don’ts for their own relationships. Should I just let it slide or put my foot down more about the subject?

Yeah, if genuine then he could be finding them very easily through the OP's social media pages and using the connection with her as an 'in'.
Still absolutely bonkers behaviour but not that unlikely really, given what you read people get up to.

Big red flag.
Perhaps suggest he finds a man's shed. They are community sheds for men to make friends and activities.

Thank you for all the nice and helpful comments. I’ll just make it clear though ( maybe I worded it wrong ), he doesn’t message every single person I know. But regardless he should respect my views, so I will be having another important chat with him when he’s back from working away.

He does have lots of guy friends and I’m sure he does message them too. But I don’t think I’ve ever private messaged any of his friends, or will ever need to. And to carry on messaging my friend that he told me ‘was attractive’, I do think that’s even more disrespectful.

Of course he should respect your views, and why does he delete the messages?

He says he gets hundreds of messages a week from work ( he’s self employed), so he just deletes messages when the conversations are over otherwise his phone would get too chockablocked.

he doesn’t message every single person I know

Nope, just the women he fancies.

I actually don't think the worst red flag here is that he's ignoring that you don't like it. The reason these women keep telling you about this is because they are uncomfortable about him messaging them. They are uncomfortable about him messaging them because it's inappropriate and creepy for him to try to force that kind of private correspondence. This behaviour from him is persistently pushing the boundaries of women and making them uncomfortable, and he doesn't care about doing that.

If this was unintentional because he struggled with social cues he wouldn't just be doing this with women he likes the look of.

I don't mean to sound callous, but I think it's important you take this seriously.

The more you post about him, the more of a twat he sounds. I wouldn't put up with this.

That makes absolutely no sense.

Creepy as fuck for me. I don't have private conversations with DH's mates. Nor visa versa.

Why cant they be his friends too?

Why would he want to be friends with her Nail lady etc.

I don't think the contact with your friends is a red flag in itself but your follow up information is all draped in red flags.

DH gets on well with some of my friends (and their partners where applicable) that we've spent a lot of time with and I know he might send a reel he thinks they'll find funny or comment on a story or something but he wouldn't just randomly send a 'How are you' message and chat. He'd usually tell me himself too.

Likewise I might message his best mate with a food question for example, he's a chef, or a funny reel regarding his hobby or kids the age his are, but not just to chat.

He's either going through your friends list and adding the women he likes the look of, or he's already added so many of your friends that he's getting suggestions for the rest of them. I'm friends with my DH's friends, male and female, but we don't message each other, the most interaction is usually a liked post about a family or group trip perhaps.

Its really odd that he's social media friends with your nail tech, and a huge red flag that shes been speaking with him and got the impression you're splitting up, where's that idea come from I wonder?

I'd also question whether your friends are worried about your reaction if they tell you the full story, after all the messenger usually gets shot, right? Perhaps they're hoping you'll find out for yourself.

He’s a sad sack. All your friends and probably loads of other unavailable women are laughing at him behind his back.

I was single for a few years until I met my now DP. I had messages regularly off other people’s husbands, usually the ones who appeared the happiest of couples on Facebook.

Always the same….start off with a little friendly DM, if you reply then this is followed soon by an accidental flirty comment that could be explained away if necessary. seen it so many times!

Sorry OP but he’s on a fishing expedition and sooner or later he’ll be telling another woman that you give him no attention, don’t have sex, he only stays for the kids etc etc. 🙁

He sounds very creepy.

Since I became single I'm shocked at how often this happens. I get more messages from married male friends, husbands of my female friends etc than I do from SINGLE men. What is that about?
They can't resist a single female and must message her to mark some territory!
Such little reward for the big risk of us telling their wives and girlfriends.
It's like they think we're all up for being a side thing.
My mum said the same thing.. she used to get married neighbours, friends of my dad, husbands of her friends coming onto her in person as it was before mobile phones.. she was a very chatty woman and could have told their wives in a heartbeat.

@XDaiseyX why dont you make your friends list private so he cannot find people??

OP, do you have any male friends? I'm curious as to whether he'd do the same with male friends or only female friends.

I would be embarrassed tbh.
You told him that you aren’t happy about this and he is still doing it .
He obviously doesn’t have any respect for you .The marriage would be over

The last thing my husband could be bothered with is messaging any of my friends on social media. He will text our female friends but rarely and it wouldn’t be in secret. I get why you’re uncomfortable if this has happened before. Absolutely. I’d be upset too. Do you feel like he’s fishing and waiting for a bite? I love the friend who told you. She sounds like a keeper. It’s hard to advise as I don’t know where his messages are on the creepy meter. X

Since I became single I'm shocked at how often this happens. I get more messages from married male friends, husbands of my female friends etc than I do from SINGLE men. What is that about?
They can't resist a single female and must message her to mark some territory!
Such little reward for the big risk of us telling their wives and girlfriends.
It's like they think we're all up for being a side thing.

This happened to me too.

I was shocked at the time - married male friends, colleagues, my children's friends' dads, my married friends' husbands.

But the ones who didn't still outnumbered them. Just...

He's following your nail tech etc?? OK I just. ..im speechless. That's weird. If it was purely about flirting with women he could follow any nail tech/eyebrow woman/bikini wearer on the planet. But he's searching out one's you go to and following them. Wtf. It's not even like you're freinds so he can say use that as a reason to talk to them....is this about keeping an eye on you somehow.

Agreed. And he wants her to know he’s doing it. This guy is a lunatic. I’d get rid of him.

Yes when you tell someone something hurts you and they keep doing it over and over, they don't love and respect you. Their needs are above