Husband messages my friends

[XDaiseyX]

My Husband messages the majority of my female friends on social media ( privately ), commenting on stories they’ve put up. I’ve told him I’m not comfortable with him having private conversations with my friends ( or any women ) but he continues to do so. He says he’s just being friendly.

My issue stems from years ago. He was messaging 1 of my friends and it turned out he had a ‘massive crush’ on her. I didn’t like them getting closer by having private chats so told him I didn’t want him to do so again.
This lasted a short while but he’s started to do it again.

Some people may think this is petty, but I’m sure most people have do’s and don’ts for their own relationships. Should I just let it slide or put my foot down more about the subject?

But I don’t think I’ve ever private messaged any of his friends, or will ever need to.

Exactly.

This is the point.

There is no need for this.
I don't know any men who do this.

(And as you said, he's even continued after the inappropriate episode).

Best case scenario, he has a compulsion for female attention - he's using your friend/ acquaintance/service provider circle to try to get it. Absolute best case scenario.

(And he doesn't give a fuck whether that's uncomfortable for you, or what it looks like)

Worst ... He'd potentially shag anyone he's attracted to if he had the opportunity, and he's using your friend/acquaintance/service provider circle to try to fish for that.

You say he works away, I'd wonder what he gets up to (or would get up to given any chance) when he's working away tbh.

I'd also imagine that he's either said something to your nail tech suggesting your marriage is not secure ..or she has drawn the conclusion from him contacting her completely unnecessarily that he's on the lookout for a new woman/or at the very least trying to cheat, and she's hinting that.

It's a very strange thing for a service provider to say to a client ..... Seems like she's heavily hinting to you. She's perhaps trying to help you.

(She perhaps even knows from other women that he's doing this to them too. It's a small world).

Even if it's the best case scenario above (attention) ....this is not behaviour anyone should be having to tolerate in a relationship. And I bet it's not behaviour he would tolerate in a relationship.

Yeah I agree. I mean I get on with them all, and I’m sure if I bumped into them on a night out I would have a chat and maybe a quick drink with them, but I’d say they were more acquaintances more than anything.

How/why are you so passive, OP? Where’s your rage?

Update. So my husband is back from his work trip now. Apparently he follows these women, I.e my nail lady because he’s trying to ‘support small businesses’ as he knows what it’s like to start out. He’s promised he’s never messaged my nail lady and said he doesn’t even think she’s attractive. She isn’t the general type he’s normally attracted to, but who knows with men.

You realise that's absolute horse shit don't you? I'm not trying to be unkind, but I get the impression from your updates that your just going to accept this behaviour even though he is disrespecting you, doesn't care about your boundaries or that it causes you pain.

And your nail techs comments were either trying to give you a heads up to look into his behaviour or fishing to see if he's really finishing with you like he's probably told her he is. Maybe ask her about her comment? Either way, get a new nail tech and don't tell him, don't follow them on socials and see if he notices. This behaviour feels like he's keeping tabs on you for control

Yeah right.

What!
That's a classic, I message other women because I'm supporting their business.
WTF.😂

My ex used to do this. I didn't like it and ultimately we split up. It was the secrecy. He had a close friendship/emotional affair with one of them. Nothing sexual but both knew they were pushing boundaries. So I do think one thing can lead to another. Our marriage wasn't great and he gave everyone else his attention. Had I felt valued and cared about, I don't think I'd have been as bothered initially. It created a vicious circle.

All that said I do think social media blurs many lines and some people are just quite chatty and a bit needy. It is the extrovert personalities who want this attention and stimulus.

I wonder if there is a compromise. He clearly wants to interact and you feel it is inappropriate but what are you worried about? Can you set him free by allowing it but asking him to tone it down?

I do often think social media is a blessing and a curse.

Oh ffs I’ve heard it all now. Hes playing you for a mug OP while he chases everything with a pulse for attention and you just passively sit by believing his nonsense.

Honestly in the 27 years I was married my DH had no idea who did my nails, hair, facials etc because men have zero interest in that sort of thing. The idea that a man is only messaging women he barely knows for support is laughable

So he messages your friends and doesn’t tell you? Red flag.
Deleting the messages? What’s he hiding? Red flag.
Not Respecting your boundaries? Red flag.
Why are your friends giving him something to respond to? And vice versa? More red flags.
Chit chat or not… that’s just not on.

It's amazing how many men want to support the small businesses of beauty professionals by following their profiles and sending them messages, which is of course the usual way to support a small business.

It was amazing how many men wanted to support my business before I stopped posting photos and videos that had me in them (and also a bit of a coincidence how many of them told me I was ugly anyway when I told them they were being creepy by sending a random woman messages).

I wonder how many husbands also follow Dave the 6 foot hairy arsed butcher and message him to support his local business?

Exactly this.

God he is full of shit!

Maybe one day when I get bored I'll create an account and start randomly messaging them.

'Hi'
'Hey'
'U look nice'
'Just being friendly lol'
'Hi'
'Hi'
'Hi'
'Love ur account'
'Why no reply'
'Stuck up bitch ur ugly anyway'

"I’ve told him I’m not comfortable with him having private conversations with my friends ( or any women ) but he continues to do so. He says he’s just being friendly."
FRIENDLY? to who and to what end?hes disrespect /diregard you entirely?NO.thats not ever gony be ok.
not mention\isnt important...right, so u learn third party.what strikes s unimportant.
To be honest all hes doing might be chat\fill a dull second.no big deal EXCEPT his wife uncomfy. you gony look\feel\appear jeals unhinged...players play. constntly..
i do not know if there is a remedy\stop it in tracks.hopefully someone else can advise. TRUST your gut.always

OP please don't fall for his shite, follow them yes, but why message them?
The nail tech has clearly has had msgs from him.

Husband is either desperately lonely and wants attention from other women or he’s trying to start an affair. Either way it’s very worrying and I wouldn’t stay in this marriage.

@YesIReallyDidOK Yeah I've noticed on so many professional and personal womens profiles that the likes go up hugely when a womans photo is included, astronomically when she's got least clothes on.
I follow a few female singers pages and it's ended up where their online fan base is mainly much older men. One got in the charts because of their downloads.
She's now calmed down with the posing photos and just posts her music and the likes have gone.

I’m wondering if it started when he was messaging my friend that he fancied, maybe got the wrong idea as she was messaging him back and sometimes messaging him 1st. Then when it all stopped and she denied it etc, he realized he missed the interactions etc and started to try and get that back through different women, but it was never the same so kept going. Either way it’s sad as hell. And not the type of behavior of a married man with children. When I’ve got time I’ll have the whole thing out with him.

He is messaging those women privately, how attractive they are is irrelevant. Its weird that he messaged your nail tech at all, let alone privately. It must have been embarrassing for all of them to have to bring it up to you.
Tell them all to just block him.

Weird and cringe. Is he being controlling by having contacts of where you go? Does he message drunk.

This is just weird

But why would he need to private message them to do that?

If you really cared that much (I doubt he does) you'd like their page, and maybe forward it etc.

You wouldn't need to private message them.

And do all your friends have small businesses? Because he keeps private messaging them, doesn't he?

Anyway, your nail tech knows (or at the very least is assuming) something.

Could you ask her why she told you she presumed you were splitting up etc.?

Husband is either desperately lonely and wants attention from other women..

What would being desperately lonely have to do with wanting attention from other women?

If you're desperately lonely, you don't focus on only one demographic (attractive people of the opposite sex within an age bracket) to deal with your loneliness. You would focus on family, friends, acquaintances, sports groups, hobby groups etc. of both sexes and varied ages.

he realized he missed the interactions etc and started to try and get that back through different women, but it was never the same so kept going

One would have thought that realising that it got out of hand, was inappropriate and hurtful - might have made him take stock and not repeat such behaviour.... Not repeat it with pretty much every female (not the old ones though, I bet).on your SM (?)