Husband messages my friends

[XDaiseyX]

My Husband messages the majority of my female friends on social media ( privately ), commenting on stories they’ve put up. I’ve told him I’m not comfortable with him having private conversations with my friends ( or any women ) but he continues to do so. He says he’s just being friendly.

My issue stems from years ago. He was messaging 1 of my friends and it turned out he had a ‘massive crush’ on her. I didn’t like them getting closer by having private chats so told him I didn’t want him to do so again.
This lasted a short while but he’s started to do it again.

Some people may think this is petty, but I’m sure most people have do’s and don’ts for their own relationships. Should I just let it slide or put my foot down more about the subject?

That's weird. I bet your friends think he's weird too.

Messaging your friends is weird, but still messaging your friends after having a big argument about it before is unacceptable. He has no respect for you or your boundaries so your relationship is doomed. He will continue to be completely inappropriate whatever promises he makes or rules you set because he genuinely doesn’t see why his behaviour is wrong. You can’t teach someone respect. They either have it or they don’t.
As for your friends, I feel so bad for them. They must feel so uncomfortable and I bet they all talk about it behind your back. I used to work somewhere where there was a married couple and every time there a work social he was inappropriate with the (usually young!) girls. We all pitied her to be honest. Which is horrible really because she hasn’t done anything wrong (except maybe turn a blind eye- though I’m not sure if she ever knew).

He’s the same in real life. Where we live there’s maybe 5 other women round our age. I know them all, but nothing really goes beyond ‘ Hi, how are you’. He’s always telling me he’s had 5 or 10 minute chats with them, and seems really vague when I ask him what they were talking about.

I couldn't put up with that tbh. I'd get rid of him.

What on earth are his good points?

This marriage is over, I'm so, so sorry OP.

I'm sorry OP but he really sounds as though he is desperate for female attention. At some point he will find someone who is willing to take things further with him.
It's so disrespectful of you.
It's almost as though he is enjoying the fact he is undermining your relationship in this way.

My issue stems from years ago. He was messaging 1 of my friends and it turned out he had a ‘massive crush’ on her. I didn’t like them getting closer by having private chats so told him I didn’t want him to do so again.

you have a massive DH problem if that's how he behaves. You say there's nothing sexual or flirty but you're having to be on high alert because he had a crush on one of your friends.

honestly, that's no way to live. He shouldn't be messaging your friends, where are his boundaries!?

This.

He's not messaging blokes is he! No, so what exactly is he doing... sounds to me as though he's looking for a signal from any one of these women at some point that things could cross a boundary and then he'll be looking for that cheap thrill.

I'd be suspicious about what else he's up to OP. Profile(s) on dating apps? And the fact your friend lied - what was the content of those messages? Was it a bit risque? And is he hoping for a repeat experience with another one of your friends? Hopefully not, but it's the fact he's only seeking out women to chat with plus the fact he has form. Put it all together and it would give me the ick, personally. It's a bit pathetic.

I Personally think it’s an attention thing. Early mid life crisis maybe? He’s mid / late 30’s so I think he just wants attention off other women.

Exactly this

Attention, or an emotional abuser who chats up your friends knowing it hurts you?

And you're OK with that?

What will he do when these "chats" with your friends and neighbours aren't enough attention for him? What is he already doing?

He said the messages were just random. With her she would sometimes message him
1st rather than him always messaging her. Obviously I didn’t see all the messages but the odd 1 he showed me was just chatting about a holiday or something else random. I’m guessing she lied because maybe her boyfriend would be annoyed about them messaging.

If you messaged his male friends/your male friends with the same frequency, would he be fine about it?

Well, he doesn't want to stop - you've spoken to him about it and he's just carrying on as he pleases. He doesn't care about how you feel nearly as much as he wants to continue looking for attention from women other than his wife.

What are you going to do?

It sounds like your only options are to turn a blind eye and hope no other woman takes a shine to him - putting your marriage at risk, or you can decide you don't wish to live like this. He doesn't seem willing to behave like a decent married man, unfortunately. It sounds embarrassing and I think I'd be a bit mortified if I were in your shoes😩

No I’m not ok with it. Obviously he can’t go through his life without speaking to other women, I’m not a psycho. But I think the social media thing is completely different.

I do the same with my husband's friends. Why is it inappropriate? I've never thought twice about it. I also do the same with our male neighbours.

We have a good and fairly regular sex life considering we have 2 small children. If we weren’t having sex that would be the 1st thing I’d be thinking tbh.

Totally weird so don’t let him gaslight you otherwise. Your friends and their partners will be either cringing or laughing at him (they will be feeling sorry for you).

Honestly - if I were one of your friends on the receiving end of these messages, I'd think your husband was a pathetic creep and I'd also feel quite sorry for you.

Why put up with it?

It would creep me out if one of my friends husband’s private messaged me. Definitely over stepping the boundary - is he over friendly in real life too? Tries to be funny/always the last to leave the party?

Yeah, but do you not also message women friends? And have you told your husband that one of the men you were messaging, you also had a crush on them?

OP's husband is only messaging women. He admitted to having a crush on one of them, and this particular woman he was messaging also lied to her, and to her own partner about the messaging...