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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Clare's law request

821 replies

olivietolivie · 11/01/2025 18:19

Has anybody ever done a Clare's law request, been invited to a police station for disclosure and it not be a deal breaker? I've got an appointment next week and it just feels strange continuing to be 'normal' around the guy when I imagine it's all going to end next week. Or is it? Would appreciate some views as I feel a bit muddled.

OP posts:
Thread gallery
5
devastatedagain · 11/01/2025 18:21

i think they send out a letter if there is nothing to disclose so I would think it highly likely that there IS something to disclose if they invite you to the police station.

category12 · 11/01/2025 18:22

Why not end it now?

Or just be "ill" until you've had the appointment.

Cantgetausername87 · 11/01/2025 18:24

I mean there's a reason why you made the disclosure to begin with. This will only confirm your instincts were correct. If there is anything to be disclosed to you I'd say how can it not be a deal breaker?

InkHeart2024 · 11/01/2025 18:26

If they invite you in for a disclosure then they have something to disclose. How could ANY police history of DV not be a dealbreaker?

bradfordisdamned · 11/01/2025 18:27

I have done a Clare's Law request and believe me if the police have something to tell you, you need to LEAVE.

Quitelikeit · 11/01/2025 18:29

What made you put a request in

Have you tried googling his name?

WeeOrcadian · 11/01/2025 18:30

The fact that you even submitted it, speaks volumes

You need to be unavailable until you've been to see the police

Flightrisk123 · 11/01/2025 18:30

This must be really tricky, I get why you're not sure how to behave at the moment.

What made you put in the request?

Could you be "poorly" with this flu that's going round until you have the appointment?

Original poster
olivietolivie · 11/01/2025 18:31

I am going to pathetically say that the reason I did the request is because he has told me that his ex wife has made false DV allegations in the past, all of which had no further action taken by the police.

So I suppose a part of me hopes that I go along next week and hope that's what they will tell me. But I'm not sure that's realsitic.

OP posts:
nigellalawsonsmicrowave · 11/01/2025 18:32

I'd run for the hills.

The police would not invite you in for nothing.

A perpetrator of DA is unlikely to admit to any wrongdoing, he is going to tell you it's a misunderstanding or put all the blame on an ex.

Trust your instincts.

Original poster
olivietolivie · 11/01/2025 18:32

I have read that back and i would be yelling at someone in my shoes to run a mile but he volunteered the information about his ex and says the abuse was the other way around.

I sound silly.

OP posts:
Original poster
olivietolivie · 11/01/2025 18:33

I have googled him. Found nothing.

OP posts:
devastatedagain · 11/01/2025 18:33

is he well known locally? Small town talk is often very accurate!

Quitelikeit · 11/01/2025 18:35

Hmm just because there was no prosecution it doesn’t mean he didn’t do anything

mia62 · 11/01/2025 18:36

He's told you "upfront" because he's getting his story in first... of course he will say that it's malicious and that the abuse was the other way around, that's what abusers do. It's called manipulation.

InkHeart2024 · 11/01/2025 18:37

What was the reason given by him for these apparent false DV allegations?

category12 · 11/01/2025 18:38

olivietolivie · 11/01/2025 18:32

I have read that back and i would be yelling at someone in my shoes to run a mile but he volunteered the information about his ex and says the abuse was the other way around.

I sound silly.

Of course he does.

smallsilvercloud · 11/01/2025 18:41

I've not done it but you could be anyone on the phone, perhaps that's the reason they see you in person.

Cryingatthegym · 11/01/2025 18:41

I'd run a mile in your shoes OP.

I can very well imagine my abusive ex saying exactly this to any potential new partners to try and minimise what he'd done. He likes to claim that I'm mentally unstable and was the abusive one too. It's all bullshit to protect his nice guy image.

I'd say trust your gut and the many, many women on here who have experience with men like this.

christmaslatte · 11/01/2025 18:43

olivietolivie · 11/01/2025 18:31

I am going to pathetically say that the reason I did the request is because he has told me that his ex wife has made false DV allegations in the past, all of which had no further action taken by the police.

So I suppose a part of me hopes that I go along next week and hope that's what they will tell me. But I'm not sure that's realsitic.

This is typical abuser behaviour, taking control of the narrative by saying something that's related to the truth but twisting it entirely so it shows them in a good light instead of revealing their abusive nature.

It's protection for him, in case you ever hear about it, you can think "oh, it's ok, he told me about that and I know the story behind it, all is ok".

My abusive ex did this and so did my narcissistic, pathological liar ex boss.

Both lies are now so obvious with hindsight but I guess at the time I was inclined to believe them as I wanted their version to be the truth, and also the actual truth was so shocking it was hard to believe.

Cluckycluck · 11/01/2025 18:57

No further action doesn't mean he was innocent. There are lots of reason no further action happens and it is rarely because the accusation was false. Run a mile. The legal system in DA and SA is strongly in the perpetrators favour which is utterly despicable.

Original poster
olivietolivie · 11/01/2025 19:25

@christmaslatte I hadn't really thought of it like that!

So rubbish as I haven't tried dating for several years and then when I do I meet someone I really like....and this!

OP posts:
Loopylou7219 · 11/01/2025 19:36

OP please look up the term DARVO, sounds very much like what he is doing here. I would be extremely suspicious when a man cries "false allegations" statistically proven fast allegations are miniscule compared to actual domestic abuse. If you've got support and someone to talk to in rl about this then please do. Good luck x

Loopylou7219 · 11/01/2025 19:37

*false allegations

InkHeart2024 · 11/01/2025 19:40

olivietolivie · 11/01/2025 19:25

@christmaslatte I hadn't really thought of it like that!

So rubbish as I haven't tried dating for several years and then when I do I meet someone I really like....and this!

I'm a social worker, and a big part of our job involves women's new partners who pose a risk to the children because of DV. We often support disclosures of police history and the women 90% of the time don't believe it because the man has already disclosed a heavily edited version to control the narrative before we or the police get a chance to tell them. They believe their new man's account until they themselves become victims, by which time it's too late to protect themselves.