Clare's law request

[olivietolivie]

Has anybody ever done a Clare's law request, been invited to a police station for disclosure and it not be a deal breaker? I've got an appointment next week and it just feels strange continuing to be 'normal' around the guy when I imagine it's all going to end next week. Or is it? Would appreciate some views as I feel a bit muddled.

I have had 2 abusive exes. The first one had a history and I had an anonymous call from a woman telling me to contact the police before I left him. He had completely reversed the truth and had left her for dead when she tried to leave.
My exh had no history but came at me with a kitchen knife amongst other things. He even got his solicitor to accuse me of kidnapping. It turned out he meant because I reported him to the police. He screamed nfa at anyone who would listen. He probably still tells people I made things up. So few cases get to court as it's often one word against another.
Please consider getting some advice before you break up with him. Be quick to state you want no further contact if he continues to contact you and report anything to 101 online.
You have done the right thing.

Sorry I don’t mean ‘act normal’ and thus stick your head in the lion’s mouth- more I meant- it’s ok to put on an act - keep your cards close, don’t let on that anything’s changed xx

I've done it twice. The first time I was told the results over the phone. The second time (different guy) I was called in.

I'm sorry to say you're being incredibly naive.

I think you know that. You know what to do.

I'd bet my abusive ex would very much tell any new girlfriend that he's all broken, mistrustful and paranoid because of me, the crazy ex, and the allegations I made and what he went through as a result.
I was a bit "crazy", in truth, when we met, or I wouldn't have fallen for his love bombing and bullshit. I was certainly very unwell by the end of the relationship and I'm sure he could give many examples of "crazy" things i did. But I wouldn't have been so unwell were it not for him and he still did what he did. Unstable girlfriend and abusive boyfriend are far from mutually exclusive roles.
This is one reason why "crazy ex girlfriend / wife" is a red flag for me. I don't doubt the "crazy ex" was genuinely unstable, but I do tend to think it's because he made her so, or picked up on pre-existing vulnerability and mined it.

I hope the appointment goes OK OP. Maybe make a plan for something relaxing afterwards. You are not an idiot at all and you do not deserve this. You can't be expected to see what someone is working hard to hide, and it is great you are trusting your instincts.

This!!!!! Also been there.

OP you need to go - NOW

His initials are not A F are they? From a town beginning with S?

He’s adding unnecessary details in my eyes to fluff up the story.

I would be ending the relationship regardless of the police outcome. There may be no solid proof but the potential risk has already been handed to you by him.

Please don’t put yourself and your child of risk because you like him. These men are charmers and will gaslight you until it’s too late.

@ARainyNightInSoho Actually the request is done in person and you bring your photo ID

'Pressing charges' is not a thing in the UK! That's how they do it in America but here, if something is reported to police or they're made aware of it, they will prosecute (if they can) regardless of what the victim wants.
You can of course refuse to make a statement which may result in insufficient evidence for them to proceed. However if they have enough evidence, they will proceed, regardless of the wishes of the victim.

OP said she hasn’t dated for several years.
It’s often men like this who pursue long time single parents.

When my ex was arrested I was asked if I wanted to press charges. First time I didn't, second time I did. He later convinced me to drop the charges so I contacted the police and that's what happened.

I'm not an expert but I believe the CPS will only pursue it if they're confident there's enough evidence for a prosecution, which others have pointed out is difficult in DV cases.

This. Start thinking about how to leave safely. How can you make it seem his choice? I hope someone comes along with ideas as I am blanking. Maybe police can advise?

The only reason it wouldn’t be a dealbreaker is if you have really poor boundaries and no sense of self.

My mum made up all sorts of horrible stories about her partner’s ex wife and his two daughters. They were such gold diggers, nasty and manipulative. I always got a bad feeling. Just little opinions he had about jail and prison culture (odd for a rich old white dude who wouldn’t likely know many if anyone who had been to prison).

I searched for years for anything I could find on him. Nothing. They live outside the UK so no Sarah’s or Clare’s Law. Finally, randomly, after 10 years, bam, criminal court appearances popped up. I had to hire a PI in their country to investigate. Serious convictions for child sex offences against his teen daughter. No wonder they both hated them so much. They had to keep up a narrative about how bad his ex and daughters were so no one would believe it if the story got out. Now we are all NC with them.

Sometimes someone can have a big history but it’s not something you can just easily google, especially if part of family court or more sensitive proceedings.

Regardless of terminology when explaining my experience, the point still stands to ask probing questions when receiving the information in the hope that a further explanation will be offered. I don’t know what is/isn’t allowed to be asked, how they disclose information or the level of information - I’m just giving a suggestion of ‘what to do/say’ that I would like to receive before going in to a situation that I have never been in (receiving disclosures from the police about a current partner) and that suggestion has come from a person who has experienced a relationship with somebody who SHOULD have info disclosed about them under CL yet probably wouldn’t due to me, the “crazy ex”, not pursuing things.

If it's relatively new I don't think she needs to worry about making it seem like his choice.

If it was a long time thing, it might have been easier to make it feel mutual like 'I think we both know this isn't working, right? So let's call it a day'. That gives him an out to agree with her.

As is though , it might be better to just focus on not giving him an 'in' to fix things. So not blaming anything he has said or done. Just an 'it's not you it's me' approach. This will hopefully also help stop his ego being triggered.

Can anyone give me some advice on Claire’s law.
if a man has been stopped from seeing his children by the mother would that come under it along with the reason for it?
what kind of thing comes under Claire’s law?

A good friend started dating a famous person from overseas. A quick google showed a history of violence and DV and we all said to her have you seen this and are you fully aware.

She insisted it was his ex as the instigator and that he had worked on himself and was in a better place.

three years on, she has fled the country they were living in and recent court cases are again in the press. She said that his new girlfriend doesn’t believe any of the allegations. And the cycle continues…

Does he know where you live

I did one when I was concerned about a friend. Didn’t hear anything from her so assumed she’d never been contacted. Years later I found out she had been and she’d had to go to the police station. She’d just decided not to leave him and not to tell anyone.

@Cryingatthegym Must've been a long time ago because it def isn't a thing now. Unless they were referring to making a statement

The problem with Claire's law stuff is that you're not allowed to tell a single soul about the findings. You have to keep it to yourself otherwise you can get into trouble. If you encounter someone who needs to know about a predator you've been told about, you have to go and tell the police so they can decide if there's a safeguarding issue. When I split with my ex, I wasn't even allowed to tell my family that I'd put in a request.

Why?

Because it's not information available to the general public. The police will only tell you if they think there is a danger to you or your children.