Clare's law request

[olivietolivie]

Has anybody ever done a Clare's law request, been invited to a police station for disclosure and it not be a deal breaker? I've got an appointment next week and it just feels strange continuing to be 'normal' around the guy when I imagine it's all going to end next week. Or is it? Would appreciate some views as I feel a bit muddled.

op, i made a clares law request when i met my new husband, not because i had any suspicions, but because i had kids and wanted to be sure id covered all grounds. the police rang me to tell me there was nothing to disclose, but had there been something to disclose, then i would have to go into the station for the disclosure. i would dump this man of yours asap if i were you, you dont need to tell him why, just that you're no longer want a relationship.

You've been very sensible Op, sadly words are just that, anyone can say what they like but it doesn't make it true. If he has form then don't look back, just dump him

Uh oh. This means they have something to disclose.

Op @olivietolivie Have you completed the Freedom programme?

A cop out from an abusive man. My ex was abusive and had a conviction for DV - there was a plausible reason that he gave to me, but that was the point: to throw me off the scent should I be contacted about it, and I was... and of course I was abused. I really believe that men who have done DV NEVER change. If the police have asked you to come in, it's for a disclosure to you. NFA me arse! 😠

As a family paralegal I dealt with one particular man who really made me realise how twisted an abuser’s mind can be. He blamed his ex for all sorts of things and was lovely while I spoke to him but once I got on the phone to her it all came out - he was abusive (including sexually in the worst way imaginable in front of their children), she’d had restraining orders, multiple court dates for children act agreements he wouldn’t stick to. Honestly, some men do genuinely believe they are innocent and that the woman either deserved it or was getting what was coming. If he’s been so convincing to you and the police confirm his ex’s side of the story then please get out ASAP to a safe place and surround yourself with people who know your situation and would not hesitate to call 999 if needed. These men are very real threats to human life.

Some of these anecdotes are really, really frightening.

I am currently being as normal with him because I'd like to see what the police say and then take it from there. Fully prepared that what happens after is I get into my car, call him and end things. Although goodness knows what I would say.

I definitely wouldn't ever mention the CL request because an earlier poster said this might make him realise he needs to change strategy to avoid women doing that.

Totally agree @olivietolivie do not mention the CL request. If you did and he changed his tactic of the “crazy ex” and false allegations then future women wouldn’t have the opportunity that you do now to run VERY fast away.

Other posters have given you fantastic advice but it’s so scary how many women fall for the stories of the ex being crazy.

I fell for it and was in a relationship with the man who said those things about his wife and for years (maybe even still now 20 years later? I don’t know!) I am the crazy ex girlfriend who tried to “ruin his life”.

Don’t know what happened to the woman after me who married him but I did try and tell her.

Mutual friends and my family did not believe me and neither did she.

He was a “wonderful man” to everyone else, a well respected teacher and I was made out to be mentally unstable when I stopped behaving “how I was meant to”.

Sending you my very best wishes. And very , very well done for using Claire’s Law and listening to people’s advice.

Hopefully, the police will give you support on how to end it, OP.

The most important thing, I imagine, is not to get dragged in. You don't have to give excuses, and you definitely don't have to see him face to face.

If you feel as though you're getting sucked back in, think that that shows how manipulative he is.

He would be meeting your child at some point. You have a chance now to protect your DC from that.

You are so clever to have done what you've done and checked up.

I've supported a woman to make a CL request.

I was quite disappointed with the police's response. They visited her at home and confirmed he had a DV history. But they didn't give any details or emphasis how serious it was.

Thankfully she did end the relationship but I think the police should have said more.

(He was convicted of DV against 3 different ex DPs including offences which carry prison sentences of several years.)

@olivietolivie., you are not an idiot and not wasting police resources. You sound a sensible woman whose radar is perfectly tuned, and has taken the correct step to protect yourself and your child.

Please don't bear yourself down, as you don't want to weaken your resolve. Be proud of your ability to sniff out bullshit, take quick action and hopefully dump him as soon as the police mentions anything untoward.

How long have you dated?

We met on an online dating site at the end of October so not long. Thankfully.

So he told you his ex wife made up lies about domestic violence??

My goodness - The police want to speak to you about it? That cannot be good.

Get out now, before you become his next victim.

@olivietolivie I understand you wanting to wait to see what the police have to say, however as others have said they will not call you in to see you unless there is something to disclose.

Are you hoping it's something "not so bad", that you/he can minimise? "Just a bit of harassment" "just some threatening messages in the heat of the moment", or "oh it was verbal but not physical", "he didn't hurt anyone"- that type of thing?

Just putting it out there as I see it all the time.

Many years ago I dated a man who told me his ex beat him up. (Repeatedly! He said he’d never retaliated as she was a woman)

I believed it..

However once this man drank too much ( I don’t drink) and he passed out ( yuck) and when I woke him he said

“ WHY were you walking down Stamford high street with Ali?”

I haven’t ever been to Stamford and don’t know any Ali’s

He kept repeating it, then said if he didn’t get an answer he’d lose his temper- he actually balled his fist 👊 ready to punch 🤛 me!

I said “ If you dare hit me, I Will go to police-

He didn’t hit me and I finished it.

He blamed the drink and me waking him up -
But in retrospect I’m
SURE it was him being violent. ( I’d not known him long, either)

Get out NOW, OP.

No, I don't think that's what I'm hoping for.

I suppose I'm hoping they call me in because there is a record, as he says, so there is something to disclose and I suppose either they will confirm what he has said (suspected false allegations) or (as is much more likely) they'll say not enough evidence but no reason to believe the allegations were false.

It might be, as other posters have said, that there is a lot more than what he had told me, possibly involving other women.

Either way I feel like I can't determine what to do until I have all the facts in front of me. I carried on seeing him after he told me about the allegations after all.

@oakleaffy that's terrifying.

You have been very smart in doing the CL request. I do think it's best not to take the risk with this one no matter what the result is.

If only abusers had it tattooed on their forehead, it would make it so much easier to keep ourselves safe.

I think what you're really hoping for @olivietolivie is a straight answer - no, he doesn't have a police record, or yes, he has convictions, because that gives you clarity. Unfortunately, looking as some of the replies he may well have been spoken to by the police but not charged - those are much muddier waters

He might actually be telling the truth and want you to know about the past allegations to show he has integrity and to gain your trust. Plenty of men have allegations made against them which prove to be unfounded as ex partners often make allegations in a vindictive manner.
Make sure you know all the facts and discuss it with a trusted friend/family member before making any big decisions.

Bullshit.

I would listen to what the police say, and take it very seriously.
Why in earth would a sane woman what to be in a relationship with a man who has any kind of violent past or allegations of anything untoward on his record?

We are so lucky to be able to walk away from these scummy men. We all know the most dangerous place for a woman is her own home and the most dangerous men to women are the men they are or were in a relationship with.

Why would you throw your life away on a piece of shit who is known to the police?

Honestly.

A brand new relationship shouldn’t be starting this way.

I wouldn’t even be able to contemplate continuing this relationship when it’s barely been two months and serious risks have already cropped up. You should be running for the hills.

And what the police say might actually align with what he has already said!!!

Don't judge people without knowing all the facts.

If the police say he has got a murky past, I'd advise her to end the relationship.
If the police say that yes an allegation was made but it was unfounded or malicious, then she needs to consider her next steps carefully.

There are plenty of good people out there. Should those who have made a single mistake be tarred for life because of that mistake?

They won't be calling you in for a false allegation OP. A proven false allegation would result in a crime being recorded as "cancelled". Therefore nothing to disclose.