Clare's law request

[olivietolivie]

Has anybody ever done a Clare's law request, been invited to a police station for disclosure and it not be a deal breaker? I've got an appointment next week and it just feels strange continuing to be 'normal' around the guy when I imagine it's all going to end next week. Or is it? Would appreciate some views as I feel a bit muddled.

Why wouldn’t the information be available to the general public? (I know it’s about GDPR, but I don’t understand why abusers are protected and given the right to privacy)

Cos that's not how we work here. In America you can do background checks on folks by paying for it. We don't do that here.

Not as rare as you would like to think.

I personally know quite a few women who have done this, including a false claim of rape (she later admitted it was a hoax - the newspaper had to print a redaction.

Stop derailing the thread with stuff about fake reports that's not what's going on here.

I did go to the police. If there was anything they were to go to her. When she didn’t leave him or tell us the police had been in touch I assumed they never had and there was nothing to tell. But there was and she just chose to stay and never mention it to us until years later.

Maybe they were. I was in huge amounts of shock at the time so perhaps don't remember the exact terms used. It definitely felt like it was up to me whether the charges were pursued though.

It's very, very telling that for a thread with over 100 replies there isn't a single post with even a whiff of hope that it isn't going to be bad at the PS next week.

For those asking - he doesn't know where I live other than a rough part of the town. Although he does know which is my parents' house because it is prominent in the area and I sent him a photo with a view from it.

I've been to his house for an evening (i felt completely safe there), otherwise we've met for dates in public and had lots of video calls.

I think I'm in the safest position I can be, considering.

Just to add a small point, as a few posters have raised that if i have enough of a suspicion to be doing a CL request that should tell me everything. I hear you, I really do, but I think I would do one before I introduced anybody to my child. I hope that isn't a waste of police resources? As I mentioned, I don't date often (it's been years since I last dated!) so there wouldn't be many CL requests and I have been in abusive relationships in the past. I thought I'd learned from them and was better able to protect myself and see the warning signs. Clearly not.

@olivietolivie I just wanted to say you've not been stupid in anyway and getting a clares law request in is a very clever and measured approach. Yes if it doesn't feel right that should be enough but actually there's a reason this law exists and women should never ever be discouraged from using it!
I hope you're OK. Please stop beating yourself up. Sounds like you've dodged a bullet and have been smart! X

The victim in this relationship was my brother.

Yes it is unusual but it is not something that doesn't happen. My brother was a victim. It was an awful time for him.

It is absolutely NOT a waste of police resources to do a CL request before introducing someone to your child. Every single parent in a new relationship should do it.

You have done everything right here, @olivietolivie.

I did a CL request on my partner and they told me by email there was nothing there, so yes OP, I think they must have found something negative (sorry)

My partner was an abusive twat (which is why I did the request) and I left him. I am now the 'crazy' ex apparently because I did not put up with his behaviour.

@AlexandrinaH it's rare. I've already said I work in this area.

There are also of course male victims of domestic violence, but most victims are women.

The above are both facts which can be backed up by research and statistics.

Is it really helpful to come on a thread, where OP has been asked to attend a police station for a disclosure (which means they have something to disclose), to put more ideas in her head that false allegations are common (they aren't!).

This could mean the difference between someone deciding to stay, despite the disclosure, and someone having the confidence to leave.

If OP decides what is disclosed to her is "false" based on this potentially abusive mans narrative, and people on mumsnet telling her false allegations are common, who knows what could happen to OP in the future. This could potentially put OP at huge risk.

Gosh, you seem to know a lot of 'crazy women'. I wonder why that could be?

Where I used to work the police used to go out to the home asap in cases of very clear 'bad news' - to protect the person. This differs county to county though and there are less resources now.
They would not be seeing you without something to say - and they don't have data on nice folk who never got involved in any sort of crime. They are limited to telling you relevant information so it's not about shoplifting or similar but solely about DV / abuse, anything that potentially is a danger to a partner or child. Police keep records that would probably indicate whether it was felt/shown to be a malicious allegation I think, but honestly that is so vanishingly unlikely as to not consider.
However, even if he was telling the absolute truth the police will probably have informed SS for safeguarding purposes and what SS always need you to do is acknowledge the risk, the probability that the person is a potential danger - not blindly go 'oh I actually believe him' and keep seeing him. This actually also applies to the very, very, very rare occasion where the person is found to be not guilty - if it is a specific new case - you will be expected to cut ties. You will be offered advice on this if he is considered dangerous and even practical support.
Unlike others I wouldn't cut ties today but wait for advice/support, unless it's easy to just do so and you are completely confident he wouldn't kick off, as there could be a lot more about him he didn't tell fibs about to cover up too. I would however need to go away for work or have a bad case of covid but keep ok over text.

My ex (almost 16 years ago) abused me.

I'm sure he tells all the new women in his life how batshit crazy I am.

In my eyes it's definitely a red flag.

A lot of rapists are the first people to scream that they are being falsely accused of rape. Often before any victim speaks out or reports the incident. This is because if they get in first that they are the real victim then people are absolutely more likely to believe them and staunchly defend them angainst any report to the opposite. Especially as it’s so often very hard to prove.

I’d be very, very wary of any “false” accusations. I’ve paid the price in learning how true they really were. I’m sorry, I would run so fast from this man..

A recent victim here of DV, my exp went to prison and was convicted.

He was released in October after 6 months on remand, and got a suspended sentence for 2 years, restraining order etc. he was found guilty and convicted of the DV charges.

I was asked by the police when I contacted them on the first few incidents if I had done a Claire's Law which I hadn't so I did, they rang and said it was clear.

However since his arrest a couple of his ex gfs have been in touch with their experiences, and the police had been involved. I believe Claire's Law will only bring up convictions not allegations? Which is fair I guess but if your partners story is to be believed this wouldn't match up.

Well done OP for trying to keep yourself safe.

But what they don't tell you about Claire's Law is that they only list those, with actual CONVICTIONS. Take into account domestic abuse cases involve a lot of police presence and if you get to the court stage- that's an added bonus. In spite of the police and court's heavy involvement- trying to secure a conviction is a whole different ball game. Most of the time sadly nothing ever comes from the cases. No consequences means no deterent to stop and the insidious nature of the abuse cycle starts again.

My ex partner previous girlfriend left the country to get away from him. I moved far away, the next girlfriend may not stand a chance. Yet inspite of all of this upheaval, he has a clean state and gets to pretend, until he can no longer. My ex partner has played the grieving dad role well. I'm the evil one. Our "story" is heavily edited and for those who know the truth. He stays away from- which means any new victim would not stand a chance.

I don't say all this to scare just to be mindful and please keep your wits about you and take your time. If those red flags start to fly, don't dismiss them or let him talk you around and convince you otherwise.

It's not that everyone "knows" that what he's saying is a lie. It that they know taking the risk is a bad idea.

Your priority should be to protect yourself. So yes, there is a (small) chance that he's telling the truth. And it sucks for him if he is, but that doesn't mean that you should take that risk. Even if the police tell you that he was accused and never charged, then you still shouldn't take that risk.

Your safety, and that of your child's, comes before a relationship, before love, companionship, and sex. You can't have any of those things if you're dead.

Anonymous letters are the way forwards with that. Other people will know the same things that have been disclosed to you (victims, family/friends of the accused/victim, police officers, people involved in court cases etc...) they can't prove it isn't those people warning others.

Just keep your prints off the paper guys 😉

Or yeah you could just literally say to future victims 'do a Claire law on him, because the police will want to speak to you'. Then the police can contact her themselves.

I just wanted to add @olivietolivie as you’ve mentioned doing CL for any partners before meeting child, there is also Sarah’s Law. Similar concept however it is for child sex offences and absolutely worth doing if you had any concerns before introducing a man to your child.

I'm a father who done a CL for one of my daughters, to try and safeguard her and her children. There was previous: there was lovebombing & coercive and controlling behaviour, culminating in my daughter leaving (him and his house) a week before she gave birth to the mans child, and seeking housing from the council.

She is reconciled, back with him, I stand accused of being selfish, only thinking of myself. She told me there was no abuse, there is no abuse, bullshit i say on the former at least.

Do I regret doing a CL? I cant really because no father is going to ignore what I'd previously evidenced. I paid a big price, estranged from my daughter and thus by default my grandchildren.

OP, I wish you all the best, if it turns out he's a bad one please don't let him reel you back in. If you're with a master manipulator/ possible narcissist (like my daughter was/ is) they reel you back in, they are experts at that, all nice until the switch comes again, which it will.

Not true
I've recently left my husband, partly due to a Clare's law request, and the findings

He had given me an edited version of his actual convictions

There were 8 more complaints/ incidents that did not result in conviction

I know they give intel as well as convictions with the force that i have approached