Clare's law request

[olivietolivie]

Has anybody ever done a Clare's law request, been invited to a police station for disclosure and it not be a deal breaker? I've got an appointment next week and it just feels strange continuing to be 'normal' around the guy when I imagine it's all going to end next week. Or is it? Would appreciate some views as I feel a bit muddled.

There was a recent post on here by a woman whose partner told her any DV records against him were because his exes were violent towards him and started fights, but that no-one believes a man/a man always gets blamed, so it was recorded as him.

She was posting because he'd just beaten her. And it wasn't a one off. He'd also taken her phone off her and hidden it so she couldn't call emergency services or the police etc. during the attacks.

You're not being an idiot at all. Countless women end up in similar situations. You want to believe he is not because you care for him. Turn this around, if your friend, mum, cousin or even daughter wrote this thread, what advice would you give?

Why would you be an idiot? People don't go around assuming everyone they meet is a dangerous abuser (well, maybe some of us do 😂): you don't carry the blame of meeting awful people who make an effort of hiding their awfulness!
And also, as another poster has already mentioned, you followed your gut! That's SO good! Please don't believe for a second you're an idiot! Reflect about and learn from this experience. Move on and protect yourself 🍀

Yes, of course it still counts as assault if the victims were men!

I’m sorry OP, women don’t just make false allegations. It looks like he’s trying to get on top of the narrative before you find out. You need to get away as fast as possible, you are not safe.

You’re not an idiot, you recognised the red flag and made the CL application.

For me, and based on experience of women I know as well as my own, any man who has a “crazy” ex (or “crazy” current partner if they’re angling for an affair) is a potential red flag.

I’m sure there are some “crazy” women out there, but not nearly as often as there are abusive men.

You've done the opposite of being an idiot, you've utilised CL for exactly the purpose it was created, and saved yourself (and possibly your child) future trauma.

It's probably worth being "busy" for the next couple of times he contacts you, at least until you've read and digested what you are told at the station.

Isn't that what they always say? A bit like it was her fault she made me do it.

Yes I now know that

When I asked for one I only thought they were going to share with me domestic abuse. So anything towards his ex's

I was shocked when the police officer kept reading off more and more assaults on other people

You are absolutely not an idiot, you’ve done exactly the right thing by 1) not introducing your child until you are sure in him and 2) putting the Clare’s Law request in. Please listen to what the police have to tell you.

Yes this story is also very common. Or they cry "I was provoked!".

I had a friend who was adamant her new man was a great, honest guy, all because he was "upfront" with her regarding a previous incident with his ex. He had "put his hands" around his exes throat. But it was "only because she provoked him", and "he didn't actually strangle her". He was arrested but "no further action" which made her believe that his story was true.

She was so taken it by him that it was almost impossible to get through to her to explain that a normal, healthy individual does not put their hands around another persons throat, whether "provoked" or not in an argument. It's not a normal reaction. Trying to explain to her that it doesn't matter whether he "strangled" the ex or not. He'd also planned in her head that the ex was, crazy, mental, upset that he moved on, wanted him back etc etc.

Unfortunately women do make false allegations and it is awful. Awful for the person they make false accusations about and awful for victims of abuse who finally muster the courage to put their true allegations forward from their own lives.

My brother had an ex girlfriend who would sit in his house while he was at work with his iPad in hand reading all of his imessages and keeping tabs on him. She'd start arguments with him because she didn't like something out mother had messaged him that day. She'd take his car keys off him and tell him he wasn't leaving if he wanted to get away from her. She blocked his exit when he wanted to leave her house one day after yet another grilling from her. As he tried to reach around her for the door she tripped over whilst trying to push him. She later went to police and alleged he had attacked her that evening. She then rang him continuously after he had taken himself to the police station to try to sort things out. She told him she would drop all charges if he took her back. He wasn't charged with anything. She continued to harass him daily. Her final stab was pretending to be pregnant to try and get him to go back to her.

Unfortunately women do make false accusations.

OP if you feel uncertain and have decided to make a Clare's law application then I feel you have more red flags than just this comment he has made about his ex. It's important to trust your feelings and know that you are not an idiot for being in the current situation you are in

You’re definitely not stupid OP. You’ve done all the right things to keep you and your child safe. You’ve sought support on here when you’ve needed it. Make sure you end the relationship safely too.

Agree with all the other posters saying you are not an idiot - you have put your little one first and are protecting her and yourself doing what you have done. The fact he has mentioned the DV is enough to put doubt in my mind, not the fact you have told us you gave requested a Claire’s Law on him. Save yourself a lot of heartache and stress and walk away xxx

Hm @COS2102. Not to derail but it's VERY typical for abusers to claim their victim has injured themselves. Like it's pretty much a given they will say this. Had one recently where the victim apparently "fell off the bed" during an argument.

You weren't there for the whole relationship and didn't witness her sitting at home doing this that and the other.

The reality is OP, that false allegations are incredibly rare.

Please make sure you go and hear what the police have to say. There could be a lot more you don't know about. Does he know you've done it?

I would definitely fake having the flu. Then give it a week & he’ll get arsey with you if he is indeed that way inclined. Then when he does, you can just say “This isn’t going to work” then block him.
it’s better to be safe than sorry!

It is extremely unusual. It is far far more likely that it is true.

There will be plenty of abusers whose sisters belive their story. It doesn’t mean the women are lying. Unfortunately abusers lie. Including to their sisters.

I wouldn’t even wait for the police appointment I would end the relationship now.

@MissTrip82 your post hit home because one of the things he talks about is what his family has been through because he's been the victim of false allegations and his sister is very over protective of him as a result. He said she would want to meet me to make sure he wasn't falling for someone else like his ex.

The second a guy says 'my ex says I'm a narcissist', 'my ex tells people I hit her' etc... run. It's them telling on themselves. They are hoping you'll scoff and say 'that's ridiculous, you're a good person'. That's how they know they have you fooled.

I wouldn't tell him about the Claire law. It night stop him from telling on himself to the next woman. Who could have been tipped off just like you.

Just go with 'I'm not feeling it anymore' when you split. That's not something that can be argued with as you're not blaming any aspect of his behaviour.

You haven't been an idiot at all. He has given you cause for concern and you have taken action. You sound very level headed and sensible. It's natural to trust someone you like and get on with until they give you reason to feel otherwise. It would be a sad old world if we were always suspicious of everyone we meet, date or are friends with!

Assume the worst and avoid him until you've seen the police
The important thing now in my opinion, is for you to plan for HOW you will exit the relationship in the least dramatic way you can.

If it turns out he does have form for DV, I certainly wouldn't be telling him why I was leaving, I don't care if it's 'pandering' - I'd be protecting his ego as much as possible. He knows where you live (presumably), you have a child, so I'd be looking to exit in a way that makes him feel like he's saved face and almost like it's his decision. You don't need any angry ex with a violent past having any sort of grudge to bare, you really don't.

Slightly jaded is very sensible. Thats a great approach .

I don’t know if this is helpful but I have an old ex partner (we’re still friends/ penpals) who married a lady with quite severe mental health issues (I’ve been on the receiving end of some of her abusive madness many times) she and he descended into mad situations, lots of drinking, fights , both of them have spent time in prison. It’s a mess he was never abusive to me - just useless commitment phobe stoner type. Well done you for checking this out despite really liking him and having a dry spell. If I were in your shoes I would try to get as clear as possible a picture from the police. It’s ok to act normal to his face until the meeting. Co- dependents anon is great when you’re feeling sucked into a situation you want to stay away from. Sending hugs x

Not quite the same but I once had a date with a man who made out he was a hardworking businessman. He told me his ex was a cheat, she was possessive, she was the bad person. It was after the first date or I’d have never gone in the first place but I never believed a word of it and never saw him again thankfully.

I googled him. He had strangled a police officer after a blazing, physical fight with his ex.