Hello, welcome @stoviesfortea
He does sound like he ticks a lot of those autistic boxes.
I don’t know if this will be helpful but here are some things I’ve learned along the way from my time on this amazing forum:
Some autistic people have some capacity for change. Most do not. Change requires reflection and empathy and, as we know, for many autistic people those traits are at odds with their personal profile.
Where change is possible, it is often at surface level. Someone can learn a social rule but it doesn’t change who they are. Learning to say “and how are you?” doesn’t magically turn them into an empathetic person. Learning not to jab his finger at me to make his point doesn’t really make him less aggressive when he feels riled/challenged/criticised.
It is possible in a small minority to have more meaningful change, but it’s rare, extremely difficult and will be hard won. (Is it worth it??)
The need for control, the emotional shut down, the rudeness, dismissive behaviour, the anger, the lack of flexibility or empathy can mean the other partner experiences the relationship as abusive. There is not a lot of give and take or understanding. There is a high degree of hypocrisy, blame and criticism of everyone else. It’s really REALLY hard. In long term relationships many partners on here report their mental but also their physical health taking an absolute battering. Advice is often “get out if you can!”
A lot of couple therapy or autism support is centred around the autistic person’s needs. There is a high degree of expectancy around making accommodations for their needs, but there is a limit to how far one can go! It can leave the non autistic partner feeling angry, lonely and frustrated. And like the abuse they’re suffering has been legitimised! Therapy and counselling have limited impact. It can actually make things worse.
Given meaningful change is so unlikely, most of us come to the conclusion that it boils down to either preparing to leave (many are not able to for a myriad reasons which are often highly complex) or finding a way to tolerate it (increasing your personal resources any way you can - hobbies, sleeping in separate rooms, having a wide circle of friends, meditation, as much independence as possible, whatever works basically) whilst also learning to accept the autistic partner for who they are. A degree of emotional detachment is often required to achieve this acceptance and it comes at a price.
Staying in the relationship but willing it to be different and battling against it continuously makes for a very unhappy existence. Accept it, find your peace as far as you’re able, or put the wheels in motion to leave.
I am sure there are lots of happily married people with autistic partners. I’m not saying happiness and meaningful, affectionate, supportive relationships are not possible. But those people are unlikely to be on here searching for support. If you’ve found yourself seeking some solidarity here then chances are you aren’t in one of those relationships!
That said I am going to try and make a go of my relationship but with us living apart. My DP can be absolutely vile and abusive and I am sure many people here wish I would leave in entirety. I am hopeful if we remove the things which challenge us (blending families, different parenting approaches, different requirements in our environments) we can go back to enjoying each other. I don’t know if that’s possible. DP isn’t one of the withdrawn autistic types. He is gregarious and funny, can laugh at himself, is affectionate (more so than me!), is generous with his time… in other words there are many facets of his personality which I am drawn to. We have actually just had a lovely weekend, despite going through the potentially contentious job of dividing up our stuff. But living together has proved too hard. It’s nearly broken me. I am intermittently very sad but relieved to be getting my own space.