Married to someone with Asperger's/ASD/ND: support thread 14

[Daftasabroom]

New thread.
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This thread is for those of us seeking to explore the dynamics of long term relationships with our ND partners. Some of us are ND ourselves, very many of us have ND children. It is a support thread, and a safe space, it does get emotional at times. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner.
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It's complicated and it's emotional.
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The old thread is here.

www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5183563-married-to-someone-with-aspergersasdnd-support-thread-13?page=1

So do I. I don’t fit with the adhd and I have a lot of asd but then lots of adhd. It’s a recipe for procrastination! 😂 it would be nice to be able to pick and choose the different parts of each. I’m not clever like those with asd, focus way to much on feelings with the adhd and get fixated on that. I wish I could be fixed on physics or something interesting. Or be like my asd partner and be happy and totally oblivious. 😂

"A good person does not hurt others unnecessarily". ... Unnecessarily

Sometimes hurt -is- necessary.

The trick to handling it well is to be calm, not vindictive or mean, and to allow the other person their space to be hurt.

Hi, I wasnt sure whether to post here because although my DP is ND (Au/ADHD), this is a different type of issue. I find this thread supportive compared to the rest of MN. He wants to spend all his extensive free time with me. I can't do this because of work, my children and truthfully elements of what I've read here have made me not want to live with anyone. He has his specific routines and I believe expects someone to fit into all that. It works when not living together and yes we are in love/happy. But I don't know if it would work if living together.

I do love him but i like things as they are and can't offer more. I'm very calm and can tolerate a lot so I'm OK with all the quirks etc. However I'm a parent and my children come first. I also can't imagine someone else would be ok with all the quirks so there is a part of me that thinks why are you complaining?

I just can't unpick whether this is a ND thing to keep pushing the point about time together. It's like there is no comprehension about the reality. Either it's his way/thought process or the entire relationship is perceived to be going nowhere.

In my experience with ex-H and son, the pushing of the point was the problem.

It didn't matter what was said, if either of them want something badly enough they keep on and on and on and on and wear you down til you give in. The subject in itself didn't matter all that much.

i'd say be careful of someone who keeps trying to override your carefully reasoned and stated decision. The fact it's such a giant one (living together) is only partially relevant.

Actually, you might be in love with him but with the benefit of hindsight I'd suggest being very very careful that you really do know his fundamental character.

Thanks @DucklingSwimmingInstructress , hes definitely got form for repeating things more than a 'normal' person. And usually it goes over my head as its about random stuff. Its hard to put into words as he's not someone who is horrible or mean to me in any way and has always treated me well, but I think the neurodiversity does play a part here. It's like he's very childlike at times.

It's not even him wanting to live together, as i don't think he'd want that when kids are involved. It's more that in an ideal world, he would be with someone with equally more time on his hands and wants someone with similar, and live between homes. But despite me being flexible and trying to find a middle ground, he doesn't seem to see all that. It's like tunnel vision. So im genuinely thinking 'go find this magic person who will be all this to you'.

@Petra42 I find it helps to be very blunt. In your situation, I might say (for example) "I do love you but I am happy with the amount of time we spend together and don't want to increase that at the moment. This is all I can offer and I don't see that changing any time soon. If it's not enough for you, perhaps we should think about ending the relationship. I am happy to continue as we are, but can't give you any more time." Could that work?

@NDornotND Yes, maybe I need to rephrase it but we have had the conversation. I think he's just disgruntled at times but scared to split up with me over it because fundamentally there isn't anything wrong with the relationship between us.

How long was he single before he met you? Is he afraid of the long search for a good new partner? (that isn't meant to be cynical, for anyone over 35 who's struggled to find a good partner it can be a thing, and most practical people will acknowledge it!)

@DucklingSwimmingInstructress I agree that fear is probably there but also we have had a long history together too so it's not really like a fleeting relationship to give up on.

I agree with @NDornotND
You need to be very clear and to the point.
And then if he starts asking again I’d just remind him ‘I’ve told you before. I dint have more time’

The problem for me is that he seems to expect you to be there when HE wants. There are times when you’re not available and he’d like you to be there. So he is raising it as an issue WITH YOU (you’re not spending enough time with him) rather than an issue with himself or something to resolve as a couple.
Im also wondering if it doesn’t point towards another specific ASD issue - find it really hard to work as a team and find compromises.

Hi @specialmangetout2 , I think thats it really, he seems to find it very hard to see a compromise with this. We don't have children together so I can see how this would really end up very hard to navigate. I am always doing my best to compromise with everyone so it would be great to have that back. Anyone else with this sort of issue?

oh Yes!

Trying to have a discussion and find a solution together, which means compromising, sends dh into a meltdown. He genuinely can’t do it. And I’m talking about things sometimes as simple as choosing a new lamp for the kitchen or which pizzas to buy for us + dcs.
He totally panics. Or shuts down and goes silent.

If that’s an issue with him, he might well make it your problem (you should spend more time with me etc….) to avoid the compromising part of the discussion.

It’s annoying as hell because I think we’re wired to care about our partner and to want to make their life easier/better. But it’s essential to give ourselves the same level of care iyswim.

@Petra42 Definitely can relate to the not being able to compromise, as well as the tunnel vision thing. It seems to be a common theme.

As you don't live together, I would stick to being very blunt and clear about how much time you can 'give' him. And don't let him make you feel bad about setting very reasonable boundaries.

I've just ordered a book called The Let Them Theory' by Mel Robbins, it's about letting go of the idea of trying to change other people and instead focusing on how we respond, how we deal with it and what boundaries we need to put in place to find acceptance and peace. Hoping to read it next week and report back on here if it's any good! Saw it mentioned in another thread started by a woman married to a man with suspected ASD...

DD described H as 'acting like a 5 year old' earlier. Yes, she can see it too.

It’s a fabulous book @ItReallyDoesntMatterAnymore. For anyone to read, especially us little lot.

I use the theory ‘Let Them’ theory daily. And more importantly, the ‘Let Me’ theory to focus on me. Very empowering.

That is great to hear, I'm hoping it will help me to find better ways to respond (verbally but more importantly emotionally) to H's words and behaviours. And ultimately to leave, when I can.

@ItReallyDoesntMatterAnymore I think what annoys me is the occasional reminders that he perceives things aren't going anywhere because of 'my' situation. He says he's stating a fact. I then list all the reasons I've compromised on to make it work whereas he just gets to sit there and have his normal life with his routines. His 'compromising' is not being able to see me 24/7 so he always feels like he's got the shorter end of the stick.

I get that my situation isn't this idyllic one where boy with no ties meets girl with no ties, they move in, live happy ever after, but I also know my value as a great partner.

Sometimes I just wish he would go out there and see if he could really find better. Could they tolerate the eccentricities, be ok with other responsibilities, routines? And stop making these comments as a result. But again, he keeps on with the repeating.

Rant over!

Does he have children @Petra42 ? He sounds too rigid in his ways to compromise in your current together apart relationship which makes me think it would be several times worse if you actually lived together. My H finds ot difficult to understand that our DD's needs, due to her ND, must come first and he is her actual father.

@ItReallyDoesntMatterAnymore no children on his side. This seems to be why he can't see my side. His parents were also very hands off

My DH is not much of a dad either. When we got together I had two DC from my first marriage - they were 8 and 11 years old. He hadn't had any previous long term relationships (at 29 years old, which probably should have told me something)...Anyway he was Ok with my DC (i.e. not unpleasant, just occasional niggles as you'd expect), but certainly didn't take on a parent style role or build much of a relationship. I assumed this was because they weren't his children and we eventually went on to have DS together, who is now 16 and I was surprised to find that his attitude to him was very similar to how he treats my older DC. Almost all parenting falls to me, he just occasionally intervenes - usually in a quite forceful and uncompromising way - about something he feels strongly about, but he never really just chats to DS or takes any time to find out about his life - I pass on the information. Sometimes he'll say, "Can you tell DS..." something that is winding him up (e.g., not to leave food open in the fridge) and I will say, "You can speak to him, you know - he's your son too" and he'll stomp off and bark orders...
Anyway @Petra42 my feeling is you're right to hold your boundaries. He'd probably find moving in with children very difficult and it sounds to me like the set up you have works well for you and him - he just doesn't know it....

My current partner didn’t have a long term relationship before me either and he was 30. I thought I was special 🤣🤣 He’s a good dad physically, rolls on the floor, swimming pool and all the things he likes to do but he is of no use emotionally whatsoever. That’s my roll. (And I’m not exactly amazing at that either lol) being a parent is hard, especially a parent who was parented appallingly and missed ND. It’s like the blind leading the blind. Oh wouldn’t it be nice for something to be easy for a change.

Hi I’m glad to have found this thread! I’m not sure what I’m seeking but probably a space to vent / understand / reflect / think. I’ve been with my DH for around 25 years now. We mainly get on well but time and time again the same things rear their ugly head and I’m sure it’s as he has ASD. I’ve floated this to him several times and he just either gets really offended or laughs at me.

We don’t have any mutual friends, we don’t socialise unless it’s his family or our kids, he’s socially awkward, face trips him, I am always on edge when out with him as I worry how he will be if we bump into anyone. So much that I now avoid going out with him in our local area. He doesn’t naturally smile at others, doesn’t interact and when he does it’s obvious he’s having to try, there’s no flow, he cuts people off and changes topic with no warning.

If we are out for a family walk he often walks 10 metres ahead and in his own world. He loves maths and planes and these take priority. We were recently staying somewhere that had an amazing sunset at the beach. I asked if he wanted to come see it and he said ‘no I’m doing maths’ so I went to see it with my child instead! He lacks empathy, compassion, is quite rude and it’s hard to argue with him as he’s always right.

He can’t stand workmen in the house to we had a major argument at the weekend when I said we need our kitchen done as he doesn’t want anyone in the house.

I could go on with a million examples.

I’m so bloody tired of it all and I can’t face this the rest of my life

@NDornotND my partner is lovely to my kids when seeing them but just doesnt have that understanding of parenting. I assumed it was because he didnt have children himself but i think his knowledge is just things he knows in theory/from a textbook.

Does anyone here wonder if their partner would be better suited to someone else? Im super easy going and tolerant so i do wonder about my partner - whether there is someone who will accept everything without question and who he will be happy with

@Petra42 the question shouldn’t be if your partner wouldn’t be more suited to someone else.
but whether he suited to you.

Is he the right person for you? Do you feel loved, seen and cared for?
Does he fulfil your needs the way you’d expect a partner to?

Or do you feel like you’re disappearing because you’re cinstantky having to bend backwards to accommodate his needs, with no regards to yours?