Married to someone with Asperger's/ASD/ND: support thread 14

[Daftasabroom]

New thread.
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This thread is for those of us seeking to explore the dynamics of long term relationships with our ND partners. Some of us are ND ourselves, very many of us have ND children. It is a support thread, and a safe space, it does get emotional at times. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner.
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It's complicated and it's emotional.
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The old thread is here.

www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5183563-married-to-someone-with-aspergersasdnd-support-thread-13?page=1

Sorry to derail but feeling very low with a trapped nerve. Medicated to the eyeballs and its not touching it, can’t sleep or get comfortable during the day. Response from DP, nothing, not even how I am.
i truly feel I cease to exist to DP if I’m out of sight. Utterly crushing.

I’m so sorry @Georgeismydog that must be a kick in the stomach on top of everything else. How dare he make your pain about him and his feelings? Astounding someone can be so tone deaf and self centred. You must feel very alone and unsupported. Is there anyone else you can lean on for a bit when you need to?

@SpecialMangeTout2 also sorry to hear about the PA comments. It really is a pain isn’t it? The smugness, the pettiness, the looking down on and criticism of you. The PA comments are so unnecessary and unhelpful. What’s the point? DP does this a bit too. Infuriating because if I made those comments to him he would have a huge angry reaction and start bellowing UNHELPFUL COMMENT at me.

I’m so sorry.

This is familiar, including the silent cubicle crying

I hope you’ve feeling a bit better now, Knot.

i see this behaviour as a breach of my DH’s vows. He promised in sickness and in health. He doesn’t live it

What is PA?

PA is passive aggressive

Ah ok yeah. They seem to love to argue and not able to not have the last word and in every interaction they have to be right. It’s childish and invalidating. My 8 year olds aggression is bloody awful, I’m fed up of arguing I’m half tempted to let her live with her dad, but he’s an abusive twat so won’t. There is just no positive way to communicate where everyone’s needs are considered, I’m going grey!

@BustyLaRoux dh doesn’t even make comments. It’s all under hand. Smirking. Huffing. Pointedly leaving stuff around and I’m supposed to guess that he wants me to do xyz.
If I pull him up on it, ask what’s going on, I have a ‘Nothing’. But the atmosphere is awful. He stops engaging completely. And make his disapproval very clear.

im even more pissed off because after my initial grumble, he is now all kind and caring. Which shows he CAN be like that if he wants to

It’s like being on this roundabout with no way off because your own empathy and brain keeps you on it. You know they can’t help it because the ND is effecting their thinking etc and you also love the person. But ND makes them think and behave in very unlovable ways and we react. Then this triggers their poor self esteem and anxiety and behaviour increases. If they could only see but they can’t because of the ND arghhhh. The only way off the roundabout is blow your whole world apart which isn’t exactly a great proposition either.

This is exactly how I feel.

I don’t want to be divorced, frankly, mainly because that’s a lot of work and hassle and expense which I’ll have to bear because he won’t. And I think he’ll hide money - he’s not financially abusive but I could make a case for that in court . I mean, he controls all the money but I have a credit card. I don’t know where our money is or how much there is, but I do trust he’s being wise with it. I don’t trust he’d be honest in a divorce and I think if need a forensic accountant to check things.

God, reading that is pretty damning.

somrimes I wonder if I’m conditioned into collusion in my own abuse.

What his motives are only he knows. But what it’s actually achieved is you not wanting to leave because of the hassle so in a way he has control over you. This may well be his intention.

I think ND and NT people experience and use the word control very differently. It’s kind of known as a dirty word. Abusive folk use control to manipulate another person. ND people use control in a completely different way to this, I don’t think it’s used to control another person it’s just the way the brain works for them. Perhaps controlling the money it just part of the routine of life for them and not an intention of making you stay.

I experience my DH’s behaviour as controlling. He sees himself very much as a victim and doesn’t understand that refusal and inflexibility are huge power moves. He sees not doing as a kind of neutral default option but it isn’t. We haven’t been able to communicate around this at all.

Yes, he doesn’t “mean” to be controlling about finances, he just prefers life when he is knows what the money is going. He feels criticised by anything I say that deviates from his plan, any plan, so I think it’s a security thing rather than a malevolent thing.

but it means he doesn’t trust me. And I feel that very deeply. I don’t think he means it, he doesn’t think I’m untrustworthy- more than he knows he’s better with money and so there’s no need to involve me in decision making.

I have been unable to have a fruitful conversation about this in 25 years.

FFS.

I think it’s not about controlling the other person. I think it’s controlling their environment. Including ensuring they have the slave they want ie time for their special interest etc….
Obviously the issue is that, by controlling the environment, you also control the persons in that environment. Up to a point.

Plenty of (good) reasons why they’d want to control their environment. The rigidity agd black agd white thinking doesnt help. Nor does difficulties with putting themselves in someone else shoes.

However, in a relationship, wanting that, your way, quickly becomes suffocating imo.

Yes people tend to hate being controlled. We all like free will.

Oh the huffing!!! How maddening! I get the pursed lips and shake of the head. Of course if I do it back I am royally pulled up on it. But then his hypocrisy is something I have come to live with.
Is there anything you can do to make it bearable?

Barr going plain old loopy or increasing alcohol intake I think just avoiding them might be the only healthy move to take.

I’m not completely unsympathetic about the need for control. I have high sensory needs. I detest open windows when it’s cold. I feel the cold acutely. I had an illness and the nerves in my back were damaged and prickle in the cold (very weird!) and I also have Raynaud’s disease. Cold air makes me tense and, well, cold! I find it intolerable when someone has used the bathroom, opened the window to let out some steam, then wandered off and left the window open for hours. Meanwhile I’m sitting downstairs in my office in January. My fingers and feet are starting to go numb as this is what happens when I’m cold. I can’t concentrate on my work. My lips are turning blue (again, this is what happens to me!). I come out of office and realise someone has left the window open and forgotten to close it. It’s freezing. Perhaps not to them. They don’t feel cold like I do. And I end up feeling quite annoyed!!! How inconsiderate they are. I tend to get quite shitty about it. But I’m not trying to control them. They can open the window if they like. While they’re in the bathroom. But why do they have to leave it open all day? Why can’t they remember to close it? I do want to control my environment but I also feel I have justification for wanting that (in this instance). DP says I’m being controlling. I do see what he means. And he does try to remember to close it. But when he forgets I feel quite cross. And of course he doesn’t like me being cross as that makes him feel criticised. I’ve lost sight of who is being controlling, but I worry sometimes it might be me!

Mmm yes I have definitely increased the alcohol intake. I am not sure this is helping me!!!

Unfortunately avoiding is out of question just now.

No alcohol here. Just your garden variety of dissociation and excessive daydreaming. Just as maladaptive though.

@BustyLaRoux i think those last few days, I’ve gone full ‘how dare he’ mode.
And him trying made me even madder 😂

It will calm down. A session with my counsellor will probably help too.
Im organising an appointment with a lawyer too to see where I stand financially. I have no plan to move out (just yet?). Esp not just now with all the changes to UC, PIP etc….

How long this will last is another issue. I wouldn’t be surprised if it was coming as a surprise to him too… Hey Ho….

my ex trying was what flipped my switch, I was so so “pissed” with the falseness of it all. I also knew it was just a way to pull me in and then it’d just go back to normal soon. He wasn’t doing it because he had a sudden self awareness awakening, he was doing it because he wanted me to stay and he was trying his luck. It wouldn’t be sustainable though because there is nothing wrong with them.

Yes it feels false and hypocritical.

But also if he can make the effort now, it’s within his capacity.
So all the things he hasn’t done, the smirks etc… all that is within his control. When he wants to. And he didn’t.

It would only be masked as you can’t unsee or change the real person. The smirks etc are the real person. I don’t really believe the I can’t help it. It’s who they are, albeit a consequence of the ND but it can’t be pulled out and sidelined. We can’t be what we are not, we can’t prioritise what is not important, it’s not sustainable.