Married to someone with Asperger's/ASD/ND: support thread 14

[Daftasabroom]

New thread.
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This thread is for those of us seeking to explore the dynamics of long term relationships with our ND partners. Some of us are ND ourselves, very many of us have ND children. It is a support thread, and a safe space, it does get emotional at times. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner.
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It's complicated and it's emotional.
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The old thread is here.

www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5183563-married-to-someone-with-aspergersasdnd-support-thread-13?page=1

Although I am not sure if it is due to ND, he struggled to the point of barely coping, anyone, NT or ND would probably struggle with that level of grief. But maybe they wouldn't take it out on their wife? Or just drop everything and only see their own needs? Would an NT man grieve without turning into an angry, frustrated and selfish man. I don't know.

I'm a bit of a lurker on these threads, and have only posted a couple of times.

and sometimes I find our household runs best when I basically behave as if I'm a single mum. Which is such a weird thing to write.
@LostittoBostik
I feel like this a lot of the time, sometimes it even feels like DH is a younger extra child in our family. The main part of his parenting seems to be taking DS to an activity (5 min drive away) twice a week.
My DH struggles with any sort of tech. nothing comes intuitively, he has a pretty basic phone that is about 5 years old but doing anything other than sending a WhatsApp seems new or like a surprise. Hence he checks out of planning/sorting/organising almost everything, because everything now has to be done online/by email/via app, and "because he hasn't grown up with a phone"

To everyone's surprise he announced (and showed us the confirmation email) that he'd booked himself on to a 1 day course in April to do with a new hobby. He couldn't understand that I felt aggrieved by this that in 22 years he's never booked a birthday or anniversary meal for me, and rarely got a present for me or kids (unless teen DD assists or I send a link to what I want) because you have to plan them more than a day ahead!

I don’t know anymore. All I know is that ignoring your needs for decades for those of everyone else leaves you feeling quite unfulfilled and empty. My partner is sat happily with his toy boat he bid on eBay and I’m deeply unfulfilled really. I can’t talk to him about anything deeper than how’s your day, yeah fine, how’s your boat. I’m bored!

@Sweetandsaltycaroline I can relate to some of that too. It's exhausting 🫂

In the last year I've found an online Zoom social thing I join so I can get some grown-up socialising done. That and getting back into some crafts have helped me to start feeling like 'me' again, not just wife and mother/carer!

@Apex3@SleepDeprivedElf I've been a lurker on these threads but was interested in what you said about NT need for connection whereas the ND wants the solitude. My DP and I don't live together and can go weeks without responding to people apart from me.

I'm trying to navigate our relationship and working out whether his behaviour is due to ND or just being a difficult person at times. Hes just come back from some time away which he was dreading a bit, and he seemed to pick on something small, overreact irrationally and then announce he doesnt want to speak to me. It's almost childlike. But when I read your post, I wonder whether he was overwhelmed with being away/masking and actually now needed the break from everything including me. Im leaving him to it rather than begging anymore because truthfully the situation had annoyed me/i haven't done anything wrong. I guess I'd have hoped if overwhelmed, he would tell me that, but maybe even he doesn't understand why he's doing it/that it's not normal to cut someone off for a period of time. I love him dearly and usually we are very happy but it feels like yet another responsibility in my already busy life/another child to look after

@Petra42 I have to admit I have started arguments in the past when I’m overwhelmed. Usually what will happen is stress will build up then the mess in the house will become problematic then my partner would get it. We’ve talked about it and he understands and I tell him I’m getting overwhelmed now. Most of the time I can spot the patten of my behaviour and stop it. I think the only way we’ve learned perhaps is to hide away when all the thoughts become overwhelming until they fade a little otherwise more and more pile on and the ability to deal with them disappears. Self awareness is really difficult to master especially when overwhelmed. There are ways to reduce the overwhelm if he can spot the feeling coming.

@Petra42 thanks for sharing with us 💐

In terms of my DH he would potentially be similar to yours, on a work trip say, that would be stressful, low autonomy, overwhelming and tiring. Due to alexithymia he might struggle to tell me why (beyond overwhelmed). In the worst case he'd insist he's 'fine' since he's internalised a rule 'you need to be fine when you're with other people'. My DH would get grumpy and then withdraw completely into a shutdown / dissociation. These have previously lasted for months, if he gets close to burnout. That cycle is super lonely!

It sounds like your partner maybe has low social needs and is having them met by you broadly. Is he diagnosed or willing to seek diagnosis? Both of us have benefited hugely from one. Our communication is so much improved.

(The feeling that your partner is another kid was quite a difficult one for me and totally killed adult desire imho. I'm so much happier now I've refused that cater role and DH gets a variety of help from elsewhere. How are you feeling about that?)

(I hope this doesn't come across as rude but many of us on the thread have done some thinking about why we're with 'difficult' people and I wondered if you had a good sense of what mutual benefits you're getting from the relationship? Without wanting to be transactional I think it's healthy to know that).

What does Alexithymia feel like?

I’d love some insight here. I’ve often wondered myself.

I too would love to know what alexithymia feels like.
Dh is alexithymic, and his non-reaction to situations has had me perplexed for years.

I know. Does it mean that they are unaffected by things?

That’ll be like a super power to me lol!

My understanding is that it’s more if delayed reaction rather than not feeling things.
Also the inability to identify the feeling. So you feel something, it can be strong/overwhelming but you can’t actually say what it is you feel.

I suaient t it explains why dh often seems to have two modes - neutral or angry.
Anger only being a cover for many other feelings.

Very happy to be told I’m wrong btw if someone has a better insight or understanding.

DH describes it as feeling a big jumble of things that he's unable to more specifically identify. He finds it easiest to say 'overwhelmed'. He is clearly anxious but doesn't identify with that feeling, for example. He finds it easier to identify negative emotions (because they are more to do with safety or he's had a lot of them in his life? Idk). I find it incredibly hard to imagine.

It's clear that heightened emotions are not good for him - even if 'positive'. And actually we recently had a heartbreaking chat about how he doesn't like joy (not saying this is generalisable to Alexithymia or ASD before the thread police jump on). I love joy, and this was confirmation that he does 'mute' my joy in case it overwhelms him.

Pretty sure one or both of my kids has alexithymia 😞

I wonder if it has to do with control? Feelings are often spontaneous and if you don’t know how to respond or control and it feels uncomfortable avoiding is a better option I suppose. Joy is a bodily experience and it’s supposed to be a good thing but I can see that it might feel out of control of your body and not feel nice for someone who doesn’t like not being in control.

I don't know if it's related but my DH often gets really emotional (crying) at things on TV- sometimes not what I'd consider particularly emotional - but is almost incapable of describing his own emotions or recognising any of mine. I can be crying in front of him and he doesn't put his arm round me, or say something to try and comfort me etc....but watching a sports person winning an event for the nth time will have him in floods of tears.

We can rarely talk about disagreements because he either gets defensive or tries to say I do the same thing I'm complaining about (i dont) or will just go AWOL and go for a 6 mile walk or disappear for several hours without saying where he's going

@SleepDeprivedElf i think we had a great relationship when there werent any external factors. I have great childcare so could see him regularly. But it feels like he completely overreacts about things/wont talk on the phone when something is bothering him.

Is it weird that this question amused me? 🤭 It's kind of a bit circular to ask what it feels like not being able to recognise or describe feelings...
I think I am probably alexithymic - I have often not responded in the expected ways, emotionally and find it very hard to articulate feelings. Do NT people fake emotions because that's what's expected? Or do they automatically match the emotions of those around them? Maybe alexithymia is part of not feeling as connected to others? I don't know really.

lol yes I can see that’s a difficult question to ask. In my own experience I don’t fake emotions. If someone is sad then I’m sad for them because I know how it feels to be sad. If someone is happy then I’m happy because I know how it feels to be happy. I think it comes from being able to put yourself in their shoes and feel how they feel because you have felt it or you know that it must feel scary or happy.

@Rainbow03 it needs to be more specific for me - so if someone's dog died and I had experienced how sad it is for a dog to die, then I could feel sad for them - but if they got made redundant and that had never happened to me - then I would struggle to relate, emotionally - I would understand, intellectually that it is difficult to lose your job and the reasons why - but not feel for them in the same way unless I had a very similar experience - does that make sense?

Yes completely and that is how I experience some of my family members. In the past I have been extremely vulnerable and have gone to my family (mum) looking for empathy and love and have been met with complete lack of empathy and it put me in such a dark place. I have as I’ve aged come to understand that this was not done intentionally. I also sought out similar relationships and took to heart advice from well intended but completely unhelpful people. Now I seek empathy and support from people (like this thread) who have been through the same things. Only those who have been through the same are more able to walk in your shoes.

That's really interesting.

A few of us have posted in the past that our ND partners see us as an extension of themselves. I often feel that DW expects me to have exactly the same thoughts and feelings as she does, after all we generally have much the life experiences as each other. But we don't actually experience life in the same way, and even when we do we often react very differently. DW really struggles with this.

I’ve been down that road. Tried to explain that we all have our own childhood triggers and personalities that deal with things differently. Waste of time isn’t it.

@Rainbow03 @NDornotND that made me chuckle too...lurking here

@Daftasabroom I am borderline I think and can remember being like this especially when younger. It was really hard not to take people at face value which also makes you quite vulnerable.

I've just had a short relationship with another ASD person. It was interesting to see it from the other side. Gradually everything seemed to revolve around him. Thanks to some good advice here and reading this thread etc I've ended the relationship. I have always been able to empathise, I believe (this chap really struggled) although trauma has affected me too. I find it really hard to empathise for something such as lost parents and have to fake it, as mine were very abusive sadly.