Married to someone with Asperger's/ASD/ND: support thread 14

[Daftasabroom]

New thread.
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This thread is for those of us seeking to explore the dynamics of long term relationships with our ND partners. Some of us are ND ourselves, very many of us have ND children. It is a support thread, and a safe space, it does get emotional at times. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner.
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It's complicated and it's emotional.
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The old thread is here.

www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5183563-married-to-someone-with-aspergersasdnd-support-thread-13?page=1

Slightly related I attended an online Zoom Drink through the 'Idler Academy' with a chap called Robert Wringham who wrote a book called 'Escape Everything!', basically about living life free from being a slave to the wage. For him (and the 'Idlers') life is about more than being successful at work and true happiness lies in finding joy in non-materialistic pursuits and activities such as gardening, the outdoors, reading, arts etc. It's a bit too far for me as I do like my material comforts, but I do agree with quite a lot of what was discussed during the Drink meet.

I also don’t care for money or status but I know I need money to literally survive. I think I have to re-visit the gp to figure something out. It’s a horrible realisation when you know you aren’t actually as capable as you’ve been made to believe…and also there is no shame in this, I can’t control how I was born.

I’ll have to look up the Idlers. I think it’s also a personality thing as well. I’m a very driven person and quite ambitious, not materially but in wanting to do things. It’s hard to adjust my own expectations of myself.

I know, we can't control it and it's hard when you spend 40 years thinking you have the potential to do anything, finding it hard to do this and meet that illusive potential and then eventually come crashing down when you realise you were 'wrong' or told 'wrong'. But you are right, there is no shame in this, we need to adjust our ideas a bit. Of course we need money to survive and unlike that Robert Wringham guy I couldn't survive and feed myself and DD on the less than £10 K a year he mentioned. No idea if I would qualify for PIP either so would need some form of employment down the line.

I even remember my year books, how the teachers wrote such lovely things about me and that I would go far. Made me feel shit for a long time, I’m 41 now and have gone a certain distance but it caused me lots of distress and now M.E. It was only ever a projection of what they thought and how society is based, I understand this now. But it’s very hard to let those expectations go. I would be happy in a log cabin in the woods myself. I am growing quite a dislike of people. Oh shit I do sound like those other posters who’ve said their partners have retreated further and further away. I can understand this, I don’t want what a lot of people want, only I was brainwashed for a long time. I’m very lucky in a sense because my partner (although he is ASD and a giant pain in the butt) is like me in this sense, non materialistic and we could happily retreat together.

Can relate to the having to adjust expectations on yourself, I have loads of ideas for ventures/projects that I simply can't do so have to find a middle ground.

They are a nice bunch, the Idlers. Last year comedian/actress Sally Phillips was on for a Zoom Drink and she talked a lot about disabilities and society needing to adapt and become more flexible. He son has Downs Syndrome and is also autistic. She also jokingly claimed that all comedians have ADHD and shared that she was currently about to be assessed herself!

@Rainbow03 love the idea of a logcabin in the woods! I do crave some human contact and quite enjoy a coffee out or flanêuring down a nice street. But would love to retreat somewhere quiet after 😊

Agree with the fact accepting you’re disabled is very hard. There is always this feeling if lost opportunities/not fulfilling potential (which really is about other people expectation of you) and, for me, simply frustration of not being able to do what I want/makes me happy.

But also, when I let go of a lot of those expectations and ‘embrace’ (really dint like that word but not sure how else to say it!) being disabled, it opened so many doors.
So my wheelchair, instead of being the symbol of how little I could walk/do became my freedom because it allows me to do so much more.

But yes the level of ableism in society is high. And it’s making things much harder to deal with. Like @Rainbow03 said ‘but you look fine!’. Or ‘you’re just not concentrating/putting effort in’ etc….

@SpecialMangeTout i feel like I’ll headbutt the next person who says to me I look capable or I should be more then able to do something! It actually felt quite good yesterday after having this little argument with my auntie. She said I should be able to do something and I replied to her “do you have M.E or have you researched the condition, if not then don’t tell me what I should be able to do”. I’ve lost a lot of respect for her now.

@SpecialMangeTout letting go of the expectations is quite liberating. Wheelchairs are amazing, I have a friend through a friend who is a wheelchair user, and she's really helped me see how great they are. She's got a couple for different purposes and as she is a dancer one of them is a special dancing wheelchair which she calls 'The Diva'!

Thank you for mentioning that.

Sounds like the sort of things that is up my street!

(and yes seeing that I might well end up living in £10k a year, looking at what ,I’ve could look like us helpful to me too)

@Rainbow03 i love your answer to you aunt!!

I’m not sure if this is a ND thing or not but somewhere along the line I’ve outsourced all my opinions of me and I’m trying to regain that control now. She wasn’t happy because she wanted something from me that I said no to. It feels most people have their own interests at heart really.

I love that answer too @Rainbow03 !!

Hey everyone, mind if I join in?

I'm probably adhd and possibly autistic

Wife is probably autistic

Both on waiting lists for assessments

The problem I'm finding is that my wife has started to get really annoyed if I do something unplanned. Never been a problem before but now apparently I have to tell her in advance everything that's going to happen. And I mean everything. Like popping to the shop for an emergency loaf of bread once she gets back from work and so I can go without the kids should be a preplanned thing.

Also every time I decide to start doing something in my spare time that doesn't involve anyone else it's like she gets FOMO and we have to have an argument about how she's going to get to do the same thing. Even if she wasn't interested in doing anything before. For example, I started going for an hours walk on an evening and she got mad that she couldn't (no reason why she can't) and turned it into a bit thing so I stopped going. She never brought it up again but also never started going for walks herself.

I joined a gym and she got mad that she can't work out (she can, literally nothing stopping her) and said we have to plan in advance the exact times I'm going to go, I can't just decide on the day.

I'd get it if it was impacting on family life but I only do things for myself once the kids are in bed and settled and she's usually gone to bed and is watching tv or playing a video game. She doesn't mind if I'm sat on my arse watching tv (in a separate room) but as soon as I try to improve myself she kicks off.

Sorry for the long rant but nobody to talk to in real life and had to get it out

That sounds very difficult and, whether due to asd or not, very controlling. Is there any reason you can think of for why this is happening now and not before? Is there anything that might be making your wife more stressed and so might be making her want to control her environment and plan more? Ideally you’d have a conversation about this I think where you try to get to the bottom of it, agree on roughly when you can both do your own things in the week (evenings as you say perhaps) and your wife work on coping techniques for any anxiety she feels. Easier said than done, although in my own experience (severe OCD) learning to cope with anxiety is the only way otherwise you make your own world and that of those around you unbearably small

I agree, that’s awful @TheCategorisingCap. She’s essentially only ‘allowing’ you TV. I also think it would help to try to figure out the logic behind this. Is she unmasking now? Is it anxiety driven, in not wanting to be responsible for the kids? Is it frustration that she feels she’s doing too much for the kids / housework? Can she not switch off in her room fully without knowing you’re the default parent?

I don’t think what she’s doing is acceptable so you might try to figure out how best to communicate that. My DH has RSD so we agreed email communication is best. This is very slow, but he finds it more equitable since he feels browbeaten by verbally fast conversations. Or are there better times / places for a conversation? Might you look at non-violent communication methods?

(I do think what she’s doing is abusive btw even if it comes from a place of disability and encourage you not to compromise these important things you’re doing for your health and wellbeing).

Can I ask an honest opinion? Before I knew that I was ND I was married to a man. I wasn’t exactly the most intimate person, I didn’t do well in social situations. He was the total opposite and I suppose that is what drew me to him. But I couldn’t actually handle this in real life as I found it all extremely overwhelming. He bullied, shouted and insulted me and embarrassed me for being like this. At the time I had no idea I had challenges. He said I made him feel disgusted in himself, stopped him from going for his dreams, stopped him having friends (I didn’t I just struggled to navigate this world). I felt such incredible shame that at times I didn’t want to be alive. In the end I left him because I wanted him to have a better life without me (he did try and beg me back which I felt was odd considering he said I ruined his life). Sometimes when I read on here about how ND people are ruining their NT partners lives I feel such terrible guilt. Am I really responsible for ruining his life and stopping him from reaching his dreams? He wanted to be a family man and I really struggled with the concept and was basically forced to have our shared daughter because he said I was not normal in my views. He always refers to me via our daughter as someone quite pathetic now.

I think everyone has agency.
If someone doesn’t allow you to have their needs met, up to the point you feel your life is destroyed, then it’s up to you to decide to leave. It’s not up to the other person to decide what’s good for you or to meet your needs (so you’re happy or have a fulfilling life). Even less so if it’s at the detriment of their own needs.
Someone like you describe is for me either trying to manipulate you (which could explain why he wanted you to stay) or lack emotional maturity (and a sense of responsibility!).

It might be that a disability (regardless of what it is) is too much to handle for a partner. I think that’s ok to recognise. But it doesn’t then make that person responsible. No one is responsible. It’s just two people with incompatible needs.

@Rainbow03 please don’t feel ashamed.

@Rainbow03 I am so sorry you had to experience this. He sounds like a deeply unpleasant individual who took pleasure in demeaning you and breaking you and never supporting you. He likely found an easy way in because of the struggles you encountered because of being ND, but this kind of human would have behaved the same to any woman ND or NT. You never stopped him from doing anything, he chose to behave the way he did. I say this as a NT woman so you believe my take on a presumably NT (albeit abusive arsehole) bloke. It was not you, it was always him. My ND husband has always supported me and showed me love and respect. Being ND does not prevent you from being a good friend or partner, sometimes adjustments in communication have to be made, but this can be necessary in an NT/NT relationship, but being treated like shit is never something that anyone deserves or causes.

Thank you. I am a very kind and supportive person. What I couldn’t do was cope with this person. I couldn’t cope being thrown into social situations with people I didn’t know, lots of alcohol and lots of noise. I don’t think it helped that I thought I was the problem as much as he thought I was. I felt like he thought I should have behaved in a particular way and didn’t even notice or care that I couldn’t. I was six years ago now but it still plagues me a little.

If I’m being honest, as an NT I can understand why your ex might have assumed you’d socialise together at the pub for example, making new friends on the way.

But I agree with @SpecialMangeTout that he should have ended the relationship when he realised this wasn’t your scene - without being abusive, through blaming, shaming, rage and personal attacks.

What I struggled with was that his friends were just so so different to me. It always ended up with my ex blindly drunk and quite nasty when I spoke up and said I didn’t like this. His friends also got very drunk. He would say that I was just so boring and how would i ever be anything if I couldn’t socialise. I have no issue going to the pub and socialising now. I have learned about myself and the people who I like to socialise with. I feel so much responsibility for putting my needs in his hands so much because I was so convinced I wasn’t normal. I wonder what would have happened if I had worked out I was ND, whether this would have made a difference. I don’t understand why (as he puts it) he wasted so much time and money on me. It was obvious I wasn’t what he wanted in a partner.

I don’t understand why (as he puts it) he wasted so much time and money on me. It was obvious I wasn’t what he wanted in a partner.

That’s because he has his own demons. We all do. Things we are struggling with, past experiences we haven’t really dealt with or simply not having learnt how to take responsibility and deal with the fear.

I think its the case also for many women, ND or NT, who stay in unsatisfactory marriages and can’t bear the idea of separating.
But for whatever reasons, men seem to be finding it even harder.

Some advice please? DH has zero empathy and doesn't display any emotions. He also doesn't know how to react when I get upset. Our daughter has been diagnosed with ASD so every likelihood DH could be undiagnosed ASD, he won't get tested.

Hasn't really been a problem until recently

Menopause has hit me, my mum is dying and kids are starting to fly the nest. I'm crying a lot for one or more of the above. DH is dismissive of my emotions, doesn't understand them like I'm speaking a foreign language. He thinks I should be able to flick a switch and turn them all off. It is causing strain, he is emotionally unavailable and I'm particularly emotional at the moment

Any advice to navigate the way forward?