Married to someone with Asperger's/ASD/ND: support thread 14

[Daftasabroom]

New thread.
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This thread is for those of us seeking to explore the dynamics of long term relationships with our ND partners. Some of us are ND ourselves, very many of us have ND children. It is a support thread, and a safe space, it does get emotional at times. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner.
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It's complicated and it's emotional.
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The old thread is here.

www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5183563-married-to-someone-with-aspergersasdnd-support-thread-13?page=1

Might be an idea to research Executive Dysfunction. For me I know it needs doing, I'm anxious about it not getting done, I am overwhelmed with guilt because I'm not doing what needs to be done, but still I am unable to do it. I am frozen and my brain does not allow me to do it. Definitely something I can't just get over and get it done. I know it would be easier to just do it, I wish I could.

Just resurfacing have had a different name on previous threads but dropped out due to DC additional needs taking up my time. Wishing you all well for the New Year.

Been reading when I can. And relating hard.

I have exactly this and trying to work on my tax return is killing me. What can we do? Has anyone got any advice on how to manage it? Much worse since peri stage began.

Wild anxiety and guilt and total inability to get things started or to finish them. Or I struggle and finally get started then follow any distraction within moments.

Why don’t I want to do something that I need to do? It would really help me to do it. There’s a clear punishment (with the tax) if I don’t do it. Is it a self esteem thing? Don’t want to do something if it’s for my own good?

Also this is now starting to take hold when I want to get things done for others which is really worrying me. I can go out, buy and send a birthday card no problem. I just can’t sit down and write the many official things which need to be sent in life.

To be fair I don’t mind doing anything to help. What I don’t like is that my partner won’t admit that he can’t do it. So instead of coming to me and saying I find it hard knowing where to start, my brain is frozen etc he comes and says you want the house too tidy, you are too sensitive to the mess etc. I suffer with memory and can’t remember what I’m doing and I make this aware and ask for help. Same like the hoarding. He won’t meet in the middle and say yes I do have a problem with keeping things, he’ll say I have a throwing away problem. It’s hard when someone has no self awareness to their needs.

Yeah it definitely helps when there's accountability and owning up to our shortcomings. Denying and deflecting helps no one, solves nothing and makes the situation worse most of the time!

I'm sorry I wish I had advice or a solution but I'm still figuring it out myself. It's incredibly frustrating and makes me feel like I've no control which obviously then makes everything worse. I'm just trial and error at the moment to try different things. Sometimes if I schedule in a time to do it and set an alarm I can get it done but that's still very hit and miss!

Is there no one else in your team (family/friends) who could help with the bits you can’t? It’s how I manage to get stuff done to be honest by involving those who have the ability with the bits I don’t.

Hi all,

I'm new here, I have been reading this thread with interest. Whilst my husband and I have never been diagnosed, I believe we are ND:ND (though I have traits of ASD, I learned to mask from a v young age, my husband is further into the spectrum, also falling under the OCD umbrella - he has a strong family history of this). Complicating this is a medication addiction on his part (sleeping tablets, opiates and also illicit drugs) which he is now seeking help for.

I'm not sure where we are in our marriage. The last two years have been hell for me (I'll go more into this later, mainly because of his chronic sleep deprivation and moods afterwards) and I had to focus on putting myself and engaging with support and hobbies. Right now we live as passing ships. No intimacy in 2 years, marriage was sexless before that anyway.

I met with a solicitor last week. I haven't stopped loving my husband, but I'm slowly putting my ducks in a row so to speak (hence my username). I'm just glad I've found a group of people who could probably echo some of my experiences 🙂

Sometimes we have to use the fire blanket and stop putting ourselves on fire. It still hurts though as most things do. It’s ok to put yourself first.

Oh my gosh this feels so familiar.

It makes me sad that my first DC has reached adulthood and I look back and feel ive done 95% of parenting. I get (unreasonably possibly) annoyed when DH gets all teary and says how proud he is of her, but he couldn't organise himself to miss work/his own hobbies to go to most of her parents eves, plays, sports days etc. He missed birthday meals if they're in a restaurant he isn't keen on , or if it clashes with a hobby. She won a prize at school in GCSE year but it was on hobby night so he didn't go. It's not unusual for him to walk away or start in a new conversation whilst they're telling him something.

The holiday thing sounds so familiar.He finds things online that look good....but then finds it impossible to work through the stages to make it happen- find if dates are in school holidays "how would I know that? It isn't on the calendar" , check passports, flights and costs, then book, etc. Last year he booked to use a friend's apartment (I do not have friends details). I asked him 4 times to get exact address from friend. He didnt. we arrived and got dropped, late at night, at the wrong place! But of course it was all the taxi drivers fault. I had the boarding passes on my phone. He said it was lucky I did because he wouldn't be sure his phone was charged.

My very wise and wonderful dd told me that even though we are both her parents I am the one who uses the verb version while dh only uses the noun.
Says it all really😞

As the partner, I’m finding the best I can do is …. To do nothing.

By experience, anything I do to support him is seen as an additional pressure so it is even less likely to happen.

Tbf too,I think in his case, there is also a lot of avoidance because he is much better at organising himself when it’s about one of his hobbies!!
And this attitude that I found in both dh and dc that basically says ‘so and so is normally doing it. Why do you want me to do it?' (said by dc2).

On the theme of avoidance. How would it work in the sense a person avoids social situations that they haven’t personally organised. Eg avoiding births of grandchildren, pushing kids away from marriage, avoiding visiting family etc that there is no clear purpose for going. What would this person be avoiding? Is it just the sense they they would be social overwhelmed with the expectations of emotion etc?

Could be avoiding the social engagement itself (awkward/dint know how to act)
Could be they don’t see the point (eg my dh said being present at the birth of our dcs was boring ….)
could be it’s simply boring to them so they don’t want to

I wondered if you could be avoidant of expectations. I’ll often receive an unwritten card. In my head I think is it so hard to write something, anything nice. But then I suspect that for some it is so hard. I used to get so sad and take it so personal until coming onto this thread. People have a lot of internal things going on.

Thank you, not got anyone like that around at the moment and tbh I feel a lot of shame about the fact I can’t seem to get things done so I don’t really trust myself to ask for help in good time. I just need to knuckle down. Thank you though and I’m glad you’re finding some ways through this. Makes me feel slightly less crazy if I’m not the only one finding things a struggle!

Dw has never told me that, I’ve had to piece it all together from bits and pieces of info here and there. Having said that, when I suggested it to her she’s never denied it…

Would it help to look at it as ADHD=disability?

Like you wouldn’t shame someone in a wheelchair if they can’t go up the stairs so why shaming yourself if you struggle to fill your tax return?

Im disabled (from ME) and I found the only way really to ‘make things done’ is first by accepting im disabled and there are things I can’t do. Then I can have systems around me, like @Rainbow03 said, to help deal with things. Or to do them in a really different way.
eg when I could work, I had an accountant to deal with tax return!

I think this personally was the most difficult thing to accept. That I am ill and I have a “hidden” disability. I had an argument yesterday with my auntie who literally said “what is wrong with you, you look fine”. I’m getting more and more pissed off with people in general. Such a lack of empathy in society I find.

I've encountered a lot of abelist attitudes towards hidden disabilities but am hoping that society is moving in the right direction with more awareness. Although I'm still waiting for the last part of my ASD assessment I received the results and reports from my AQ50 assessment (and two other assignments ASD I can't remember the name of) it made me cry to see my scores and the descriptions of all the things I struggle with, detailed in black and white on paper. Yes I do want my diagnosis as it will mean more access to reasonable adjustments, but having to accept that I'm disabled still threw me. Hope that doesn't sound abelist, I mean it in terms of getting my head around the fact that I do need adjustments. There was also a sense of relief that I wasn't just imaging it all too. With DD being diagnosed 7 years ago my eyes are so much more open though.

My DM was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia when I was a teen, a time when invisible disabilities where not really heard of and I don't think I realised how hard it was for her. She was lucky to find a part time job for a charity for RA and other Rheumatoid conditions meaning she had people around her who got it. Most of her close friends are understanding but she's constantly coming into people who are ignorant and dismissive even in this day and age.

Sorry, meant to add that of course not all people with ASD see themselves as disabled but for me that is the case and there is no way I would gave got onto the NHS pathway (or past the initial assessments) for diagnosis, if it wasn't affecting me this much, in particularly in terms of bring able to work.

Ive always struggled around work. I have “so much potential” and I have been told this my whole life. I even gained a masters despite the considerable damage it did to me mentally not knowing something wasn’t quite “right” with me. I think getting a diagnosis allows you to let yourself off the hook a bit because personally I’ve drowned in being a disappointment. A lot of us a believe are going over and above our real capabilities and never give ourselves any recognition because it’s not seen as much to the outside world.

Yes, I totally get that. I've got a PGCE (qualified teacher) but kept getting burnout from teaching in mainstream. Coped much better in alternative educational settings as small groups, slower pace and time to recover in holidays. I've forgiven myself and stopped feeling guilty for those shameful years in teaching when I kept getting signed off with stress. I understand why now and would look for a more suitable job in the future. Am DD's full time carer for now so not in.'work'.

I think it’s so hard when you/others feel like you’re not reaching your potential. I have severe health problems that have plagued my life and it’s hard not to compare myself with friends progressing in their careers/life goals. It seems very unfair and I’ve felt I’ve fallen behind. I have to remind myself that it’s not been an even playing field and I’ve had to overcome big challenges, which is an achievement in itself. I think those of us with challenges in life have to remind ourselves of that x

Absolutely, I would happily work part time in something completely unrelated to my teaching degree if it meant I was able to cope with it (and hopefully doing something fulfilling) Which would probably be way 'below' what I am qualified to do and at a much lower salary. But, that is ok with me. I don't care much for status or anything like that 😊