Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

New partner has to work as a tramper, he's stressed and distancing himself

238 replies

GiddyOtter · 04/01/2025 23:48

So my new partner is an HGV driver. He currently works night shifts but his employer has informed him that in 4 days time he will be a tramper (living on the road in his wagon). I don't drive and have a daughter from a previous relationship so I can't just go to meet him when he's on a break.

What advice would you give to someone in my shoes as the relationship is quite new. I don't want to lose him but with how distant he has been I think he can't see a way of making it work but I sure as hell would try anything. Also the chances of him being anywhere near to meet are very slim by the sounds of it.

The boss has said he will be home for one weekend a month but he too has a daughter so I don't want to be taking him away from her as he won't have seen her for weeks. Obviously as the relationship is new we haven't met each others children yet so it's not as easy as saying when he is home do something just the four of us.

I don't want to beg him to be with me if he feels it won't work but I will try absolutely anything before giving up.

Any advice please

OP posts:
Nerdlings · 04/01/2025 23:50

It sounds to me like there is more going on here. I don’t think he is being truthful.

healthybychristmas · 04/01/2025 23:50

There's no point of the relationship if you can't spend any time together. He's going to be so short of time but he has to spend that with his daughter. It sounds awful for him but surely he wouldn't be doing that every night of the week?

Merrygoround8 · 04/01/2025 23:52

Did you ever see the friends episode where Chandler pretends he’s off to Yemen instead of breaking up with Janice?

chocolatespreadsandwich · 04/01/2025 23:53

I strongly suspect he hasn't told you the whole story.

Either way, it sounds like he isn't keen to fight for the relationship so I would end it with dignity

Original poster
GiddyOtter · 04/01/2025 23:53

He has no reason to lie. He was coming to see me after finishing his night shifts so that we got time with each other as I work during the day when he is getting his head down ready for his next shift at work. I am just looking for ideas on how we could make the tramping situation work

OP posts:
Quinto · 04/01/2025 23:53

I don’t know what you think you can do — you say he’s been distant, doesn’t think he can make it work, and has a daughter with whom he obviously has to spend his monthly free weekend. He’s not as committed as you.

Like a pp, I’m also a bit dubious that his boss has suddenly announced a total change in his working life, starting immediately.

I’d cut my losses.

Pancakeflipper · 04/01/2025 23:54

Is he travelling in the UK or abroad?

Something about this does not sound right.

One weekend a month is wrong.

TwattyMcFuckFace · 04/01/2025 23:55

GiddyOtter · 04/01/2025 23:53

He has no reason to lie. He was coming to see me after finishing his night shifts so that we got time with each other as I work during the day when he is getting his head down ready for his next shift at work. I am just looking for ideas on how we could make the tramping situation work

You can't.

He has a daughter he's hardly ever going to see, so he needs to make her his priority and obviously look for a new employer.

Nsky62 · 04/01/2025 23:55

GiddyOtter · 04/01/2025 23:53

He has no reason to lie. He was coming to see me after finishing his night shifts so that we got time with each other as I work during the day when he is getting his head down ready for his next shift at work. I am just looking for ideas on how we could make the tramping situation work

Surely he’ll get time off, depends on his shifts, he will only be allowed so much time to work?
why is his contract changing?

powershowerforanhour · 04/01/2025 23:57

Is the HGV employment market a buyers' or a sellers' market?

Original poster
GiddyOtter · 04/01/2025 23:58

It's in his contract that his working schedule can change as he said to his boss he didn't want to be away from home. He's distancing himself as I think he is genuinely upset that we have bonded together as a couple and now everything is up in the air. As it's in his contract if he refuses he could lose his job. The tramping is going to be all over the UK and to Ireland too

OP posts:
Fargo79 · 04/01/2025 23:59

Well obviously he can't accept these working hours since he is a parent. I would think his new girlfriend would be the least of his worries.

If he's just accepting this, is that really the kind of man you want to be with anyway? I don't know a single mother who would accept only 2 days a month to be with their child. He must be a complete deadbeat.

Original poster
GiddyOtter · 05/01/2025 00:02

Fargo79 · 04/01/2025 23:59

Well obviously he can't accept these working hours since he is a parent. I would think his new girlfriend would be the least of his worries.

If he's just accepting this, is that really the kind of man you want to be with anyway? I don't know a single mother who would accept only 2 days a month to be with their child. He must be a complete deadbeat.

He sees his daughter every weekend at the moment and she is with her mother during the week so he gets her on Friday and takes her back Sunday night

OP posts:
Ilovelurchers · 05/01/2025 00:04

Are you sure he has accurately explained what his new hours will be?

They cannot force him to live permanently on the road, only returning one weekend in three. Working conditions for drivers are terrible, but they are not yet actually enslaved.

He will only work a certain number of days per week. And he will have some nights at home.

(My partner was doing this work when we first got together. I quite liked it - I used to go on the road with him sometimes when I wasn't working and my daughter was with her dad).

It's not great, but it will still be possible to see him. If you want to. And if he wants to.

Ask him to explain his schedule a bit more clearly.

Pancakeflipper · 05/01/2025 00:05

Are you saying he is in his truck working for 3weeks and 5 days then has 2 days off?

That is nor permissable.

Tramping is often several days or a week on the road. Not the amount he is telling you. And certainly not travelling in the UK and Ireland

And 4 days notice? And these working hours are the new permanent arrangement? It's not a one off?

I'm sorry but I cannot see an employer offering a contract like that or anyone saying "ok". Unless it's not a legitimate company.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 05/01/2025 00:06

I think he might have another family or wife.
Interesting to say 'new partner' when it's new isn't he your boyfriend?

Original poster
GiddyOtter · 05/01/2025 00:06

Ilovelurchers · 05/01/2025 00:04

Are you sure he has accurately explained what his new hours will be?

They cannot force him to live permanently on the road, only returning one weekend in three. Working conditions for drivers are terrible, but they are not yet actually enslaved.

He will only work a certain number of days per week. And he will have some nights at home.

(My partner was doing this work when we first got together. I quite liked it - I used to go on the road with him sometimes when I wasn't working and my daughter was with her dad).

It's not great, but it will still be possible to see him. If you want to. And if he wants to.

Ask him to explain his schedule a bit more clearly.

How did you make your relationship work if you don't mind me asking.

I obviously can't go with him as I am a single parent and my daughter doesn't have contact with her dad.

OP posts:
Original poster
GiddyOtter · 05/01/2025 00:09

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 05/01/2025 00:06

I think he might have another family or wife.
Interesting to say 'new partner' when it's new isn't he your boyfriend?

He definitely doesn't have a wife. As he lives with just his parents for the time been due to saving for his own property.

OP posts:
PerambulationFrustration · 05/01/2025 00:16

Have you met his parents or been to his house?

Nerdlings · 05/01/2025 00:24

PerambulationFrustration · 05/01/2025 00:16

Have you met his parents or been to his house?

I wondered this too.

HeddaGarbled · 05/01/2025 00:25

I thought there was a national shortage of HGV drivers. Does he know how easy it would be for him to find a better job?

AsACloud · 05/01/2025 00:26

Companies all over the UK & Ireland are in dire need of HGV drivers. If he doesn’t want to do tramping then he just tells his boss no or he will leave and get another job. Sounds like he should be working for a better company anyway.

Christmasrefridgerator · 05/01/2025 00:29

Yep, as per previous posters, there is huge demand for hgv drivers so if he didn't want to be away I'm pretty sure he doesn't need to be away and could quickly find another job. I'd be a bit suspicious

Jolietta · 05/01/2025 00:30

You're never going to see each other so realistically it's not going to work.

Drreamingthedaysaway · 05/01/2025 00:30

HGV drivers hours are strictly regulated. https://www.gov.uk/drivers-hours/eu-rules
The rules state minimum rest periods. If he’s only driving in the UK and Ireland he’s never going to be a huge distance from home. Pinch of salt here.

Drivers' hours

EU and GB domestic rules for drivers of goods vehicles and passenger-carrying vehicles

https://www.gov.uk/drivers-hours/eu-rules