New partner has to work as a tramper, he's stressed and distancing himself

[GiddyOtter]

So my new partner is an HGV driver. He currently works night shifts but his employer has informed him that in 4 days time he will be a tramper (living on the road in his wagon). I don't drive and have a daughter from a previous relationship so I can't just go to meet him when he's on a break.

What advice would you give to someone in my shoes as the relationship is quite new. I don't want to lose him but with how distant he has been I think he can't see a way of making it work but I sure as hell would try anything. Also the chances of him being anywhere near to meet are very slim by the sounds of it.

The boss has said he will be home for one weekend a month but he too has a daughter so I don't want to be taking him away from her as he won't have seen her for weeks. Obviously as the relationship is new we haven't met each others children yet so it's not as easy as saying when he is home do something just the four of us.

I don't want to beg him to be with me if he feels it won't work but I will try absolutely anything before giving up.

Any advice please

It doesn't sound like you would see him enough to make it worthwhile. Has he come up with any solutions? Is he prepared to look for another job?

Those working hours for a HGV driver woukd be illegal - so either he isn’t telling you the truth or you’ve misunderstood what he’s told you .

This is the bit I don't understand. My uncle recently switched from a well paid office job to become a lorry driver and could pretty much pick his hours/where he wanted to work! And he chose the long distance stuff precisely because this meant he got decent chunks of time at home too

I work for a Scottish council and we’re always trying to recruit HGV drivers for bin lorries, road maintenance vehicles, gritters etc. There’s no shortage of jobs.

My husband decided to leave his current company recently and had a new job within hours. So many are desperate for HGV drivers at the moment so your partner could find work that better suits him quite easily I'm sure. Also, there are drivers hours rules about how much he can drive within certain periods and what you're describing doesn't entirely fit in with those? He'd have to be breaking them to only be home for a weekend a month surely?

Sounds like he’s got another partner somewhere

I agree, especially as he tells you he’s with his daughter every weekend, so I assume you don’t see him. He’s possibly with his actual partner, who may or may not be the mother of his child.

If you're meant to be, then you'll find a way for it to work 😁

Let him get into his new job and see what time is flexible.
I sense him cooling off you.
Ask him outright if he has another partner.

Does he take his DD to stay with his parents?
Could you have a couple of hours with him after his daughter is asleep to discuss options?

I thought so

110 Yemen Road
Yemen
😂

My DH is a HGV driver and there are jobs available at every turn. He gets offered new jobs multiple times a day whilst he’s collecting or dropping off at sites for his employer. He could literally walk out of work and into a new job within the hour.

Don’t forget the old saying:
”Where there’s a will, there’s a way out.”

I’m sorry, @GiddyOtter— I hope it works out for you. ❤️

He’s asking you to believe that his boss has informed him, with less than a weeks notice, that he will only be at home for one weekend a month?

Lovely, I mean this in the kindest possible way, but he is telling you a filthy black lie. Even if it were true, and even if you weren’t in the picture, he’d be able to walk into a new job tomorrow, so there’s no way he’s going from having his daughter every weekend to seeing her once a month.

I'd say he isn't telling you the truth, tramping for 3 weeks around the UK and Ireland?
FIL is a hgv driver and often dose tramping for 3-4 days a week home for a weekend and back at it on Monday day early morning....there is an put cry for HGV drivers so he could well leave his job and have a new one by lunch Monday....I'd ask him outright to no where you stand.

I see him at weekends as he leaves his daughter at home with his parents.

You’re exceptionally gullible and he’s a liar. Come the fuck on and wise up to this nonsense

He leaves his daughter with his parents when he supposed to spending time with her to spend hus time with you?
Did I read that right?

I don’t know the first thing about lorry drivers, but it doesn’t sound like it’s worth pursuing a relationship with someone who’s rarely free and has a child to prioritise when he is.

Does this mean he is choosing to discard his child for his new girlfriend? Absolute trash of a man.

HGV drivers are in high demand, so if he freely chooses to be a deadbeat father to his weekend child you should not be dating him.
Never date deadbeat scum.

He’s likely chosen to be a tramper.

This man is choosing to outsource his contact time with his child to his parents so he can shag his new girlfriend.

I can’t for the life of me see what you see in him.

Maximum hours a HGV driver can work in a week is 56 hours. They can work three 15 hour days in a week only provided they have 9 hours uninterrupted break.

They also can't exceed 90 hours over 2 weeks so if he worked 56 one week, he'd only be able to work 34 the next.

There's no way, legally he will only have one weekend off a month.

Based on where I live, I know many, many HGV drivers including across Europe. None only have one weekend off a month, some choose to stay wherever they are working though but it is a choice and they pick up a different route to return.

You say he’s a new partner. How new exactly?

My now DH was an engineer working away on power stations when we got together, and he would be away for 4-6 weeks at a time, but he immediately came home to me and we had a week or so before he went off again, depending on shut downs.

It's different here though because you say that:

I don't want to lose him but with how distant he has been I think he can't see a way of making it work but I sure as hell would try anything.

The highlighted bit is the most important bit - you need to speak to him and see if this is actually the case, and if it is, you go find someone else love.

Relationships where partners are away from each other certainly do last, but both parties have to be happy with it.

Edited because I wrote after instead of have to 🥺

OP, most of the guys around here who arent farmers, are trampers, and I can assure you they are in the pub Saturday afternoon having a bet on the horses. They leave Sunday Nights/Monday mornings and hope to get the last ferry over Friday night - weather permitting

A tramper can only drive 3 days before a rest day, three days gets you from one end of the country to the other not a bother