New partner has to work as a tramper, he's stressed and distancing himself

[GiddyOtter]

So my new partner is an HGV driver. He currently works night shifts but his employer has informed him that in 4 days time he will be a tramper (living on the road in his wagon). I don't drive and have a daughter from a previous relationship so I can't just go to meet him when he's on a break.

What advice would you give to someone in my shoes as the relationship is quite new. I don't want to lose him but with how distant he has been I think he can't see a way of making it work but I sure as hell would try anything. Also the chances of him being anywhere near to meet are very slim by the sounds of it.

The boss has said he will be home for one weekend a month but he too has a daughter so I don't want to be taking him away from her as he won't have seen her for weeks. Obviously as the relationship is new we haven't met each others children yet so it's not as easy as saying when he is home do something just the four of us.

I don't want to beg him to be with me if he feels it won't work but I will try absolutely anything before giving up.

Any advice please

His boss can't dictate where he is on his days off. Or are you saying he's working 29 days then off 2 because that can't be enforced either.

I'd concentrate less on finding way to make it work at the moment and help him to push back on his employer. He 100% can't be working 7 days a week for weeks on end to literally have one weekend off every month. There's no way that will be true.
So he needs to go back to him employer and sort this out.
Driving that many hours is completely illegal. Obviously yes he may have to do overnights / a week or two if long distance abroad. But not the extent he had told you. Completely ridiculous to believe that.

13Ghosts is 100% correct.
My DP is a tramper, hours are legally restricted as above, but sometimes DP will stay out for his 24hrs time off, then start his next week from that location. He also goes to Ireland for days at a time with zero notice.
A usual week would be starting Monday morning, early, then travelling all over UK, staying at truck stops for food, shower and secure parking ( or a lay-by if he’s unlucky!) sometimes he’ll be home Friday evening or more usually Saturday morning.

I smell a large rat with what you’ve been told, OP, I’m sorry to say. The only people I know that are away for a length of time like that are the European drivers who will come to Uk & Ireland and work for a block at a time, then go back home for a break. They still have to adhere to the driving times - 90hrs per fortnight so they are still having free weekends. They just don’t go home due to distance and cost.

Others are correct in that HGV drivers can literally walk from one job to another in the same day. I don’t know any driver that would put up with such poor treatment, when they really don’t have to!

Tramping is a job you can either do - or not! So many guys have a fairytale view of it, when it can actually be dirty, smelly and dangerous. Check today’s weather as an example! It isn’t geared up to family life in a lot of instances.
We make it work here as all DCs are grown up and I have a p/t job so I’m busy when DP is away. We chat a lot whilst he’s driving and I do go with him occasionally. I also go and meet him if he’s reasonably close to home.

Ask your DP some hard questions, now we have given you some pointers to the true way that tramping jobs actually work. 🌻

Tipper drivers don't count as they don't do tramping. Worst drivers on the road too and many driving forums would agree if you search.

They have none of the skills or driving manners of a long distance lorry driver.
Bloody menace they are, especially when empty, throwing the thing around like it's a sports car.
I always watch them closely approaching roundabouts 'cause God only knows which direction they'll take with no indication.

My last encounter with one was his horn blaring at me on a roundabout to allow a blue lighted ambulance to cross from our left and avoid being hit by it. Being a lot higher up, he should have seen it before me. Rubbish drivers they are.

It took me all of 5 seconds to find out.

https://www.freightlink.co.uk/irish-sea-ferry-routes

The ins and outs of his new contract, his work hours etc are irrelevant.

The words in your post that matter are -

"He is distancing himself."

whatever that means.

That's not a date, it's a booty call.
While you're hanging around for him you are closed to meeting someone who you can have a proper dating sequence with.

If your boyfriend really didn’t want this change in his working life then he would be telling his boss to shove it and be looking for new jobs ASAP. Sounds like he’s either fine with it or telling you absolute bollocks (married??). Don’t bother with him, there’s someone else out there for you.

OP, as gently as I can, this man is trying to end things without being grown up enough to have a direct conversation.

If he was serious about you then he would be altering work patterns, proposing solutions, looking for on of the MANY other HGV driving jobs. He’s not ‘solutions focussed’ here because he’s not invested enough in his relationship with you.

don’t spend more of your energy on someone who isn’t matching you

Wake up OP. His daughter is with his wife/long term partner. Not his parents!

So basically and sorry to be crude, he comes round for a shag and goes home? Please get some self respect

@FiatMultiplaWhopper and others you don't have to be so dickish about a question.

I assumed goods went by ship in shipping containers and were loaded either side. I didn't know that lorries went over too.

Hope you feel nice and smug about yourselves

@WhereYouLeftIt bully for you. I googled 'hgv driving between England and Ireland' and got nothing but regulation. So I asked here.

I'm inclined to agree with this, unless you also only want sex why would you put up with this op?

How much time has he spent looking for new jobs since his boss dropped this on him? I assume he's applied for loads as soon as poss. Because he's so desperately sad at this situation 🤔

I think he is having you on op.

How on earth is he a deadbeat ? He’s working and presumably paying maintenance as well as maintaining regular contact with his daughter. Would you prefer he just give up the job and be unable to do either as a result ?

@Rosscameasdoody visiting a child that he created for a matter of hours a month is utterly pathetic, and actively his choice.

The wheels of the lorry retract and a periscope comes out the top of the cab and it transforms into a submarine.

Wait, what? I thought that helicopter propellers came out of the top so it could fly across!

It’s deeply depressing your bar is so low for adequate parenting.

Nah. The dolphins get into a convoy and haul everything across. A bit like reindeer, but the aquatic version.

How on earth is he a deadbeat ? He’s working and presumably paying maintenance as well as maintaining regular contact with his daughter. Would you prefer he just give up the job and be unable to do either as a result ?

I see. So how is it that many women manage to have full time care of their children and support them financially single handed? Yet we are meant to believe that a man who would (allegedly) see his daughter once per month is some kind of heroic model rather because he might also pay a pittance of nowhere near 50% of the cost of raising her in maintenance?

No wonder so many men are so pathetic if these are the kinds of expectations that people have of them to consider them a decent human being and parent.

I used to know a security guard (through work) who had six women on the go, simultaneously.
He told all of them that he worked outrageous hours, on various sites. He even 'lived' with 2 of them.
In reality, he worked fairly standard hours on one site.

On Valentine's Day itself he had 3 meals out. It was absolutely absurd.

The wheels came off when he got 2 women pregnant at the same time.
One of them worked in the same place, the other was a traveling rep who regularly visited the work site.

He thought it was hilarious, and he would never get caught.
I wouldn't have believed it, had I not known both of the ladies who became pregnant.

Some people are quite resourceful when addicted to infidelity.
I hope this isn't the case, but it sounds very suspicious.

Yes, but it’s been too difficult to arrange the dolphin convoys since Holyhead closed, so it’s back to the helicoptering trucks till it reopens.

far too soon to have a random man stay over when dd is asleep and unaware. You sound very naive. Don’t think this relationship is going anywhere, logistically you won’t be able to see each other, plus you don’t seem to know much about him - it’s funny that his boss seemed to have changed his contract overnight. I think if I keep seeing him, don’t have him stay over and try and find out a bit more about him and his housing/ex partner situation first

I’m sorry OP but he is lying to you as he’s not adult enough to say he’s not interested. My DH was an HGV driver when we met and he too was a tramper. He would go away on either the Sunday night or the Monday morning depending on if he had finished his previous run on the Friday night or Saturday morning. He was living with his parents then so every Saturday he would get a few hours sleep, up by 10am and he would spend the day with his children. Every Saturday night we would meet up and if his children were staying overnight he would tell them he was going out with friends but would be back for breakfast in the morning. We would go bowling, go for dinner, go on ghost walks and have fun exploring the city. He would get the last train home just before midnight as he lived just over 20 miles away from me. When he was away I’d get photos of all the motorway services and industrial estates he had parked in and once he was parked up for the day we would spend hours messaging each other. I’m afraid he only sees you as a booty call.