New partner has to work as a tramper, he's stressed and distancing himself

[GiddyOtter]

So my new partner is an HGV driver. He currently works night shifts but his employer has informed him that in 4 days time he will be a tramper (living on the road in his wagon). I don't drive and have a daughter from a previous relationship so I can't just go to meet him when he's on a break.

What advice would you give to someone in my shoes as the relationship is quite new. I don't want to lose him but with how distant he has been I think he can't see a way of making it work but I sure as hell would try anything. Also the chances of him being anywhere near to meet are very slim by the sounds of it.

The boss has said he will be home for one weekend a month but he too has a daughter so I don't want to be taking him away from her as he won't have seen her for weeks. Obviously as the relationship is new we haven't met each others children yet so it's not as easy as saying when he is home do something just the four of us.

I don't want to beg him to be with me if he feels it won't work but I will try absolutely anything before giving up.

Any advice please

As an ex Police Officer I knew of at least 3 Police Officers with a wife and a mistress where the wife and the mistress both thought he was living with them.

I know one came unstuck when his wife rang up urgently needing to get hold of him because his Dad had died. She thought he was on an undercover operation which was why he wouldn't be in contact for a week. In reality he'd taken a week's leave and gone to Corfu with his mistress.

Whole thing sounds totally sus. Only one weekend off a month? Even jobs like the rigs or working on a cruise let their employees have several weeks off at a time after a working stint.

The wee folk lift the trucks and they magically levitate. Faeries are resourceful wee things

Sorry op I think he's lying about the job and trying to break up with you

Dh is a hgv driver and the hours your dp is claiming he will be working don't make sense and are illegal.

There is a shortage of hgv drivers so he could walk into another job straight away with better hours if he wanted to

My friend used to have a “partner” who worked security. He worked as a bouncer at night in a bar near her house. He would call in to see her at 2am when the bar closed. He would get his shag, have a shower and then had to pop home for a couple of hours sleep before going to his other security job during the day 🙄 and she believed it, despite us all pointing out exactly what was going on.

It lasted over a year before the wheels fell off his stories when she got pregnant …….. and she discovered he had a wife and four children!

I thought there was a demand for drivers, if so look for a new job.

Okay so you haven't been back to this post, but I hope you are reading the replies.

I have a huge amount of experience with dating. My marriage ended 2012 and I spent 3 years dating on and off. I've been single since 2021 and started dating again a couple of years ago. Mainly online due to being a single parent and having a busy job.

I mean this in the kindest way possible, from one woman in the dating cesspit to another. This man is not committed to you. You're being too intense and thinking too far ahead, trying to problem-solve in a very new relationship. Early on, if you're not compatible then you walk away. Secondly, the signs are all there that he's playing you, and I'm sorry to say that the signs are also there that you're either not his only bed partner or he's married.

You need to look for patterns in his texting. Does he suddenly stop chatting only to reappear at a random time? Have you ever seen him during the day? How many dates in the wild have you had? When you say he leaves to be home when she wakes up, presumably he goes home to sleep? Does he divulge much about himself or ask you about yourself? Have you seen his social media and can you find it if not? Has he suggested meeting family and friends? Do you know with certainty he's living with his parents and not his wife? Does he talk about his daughter much? Have you checked to see if he's still on the apps if that's where you met him?

My experience of online dating is also that there are a LOT of HGV drivers on there. I'm not saying all of them are dishonest, but I am always initially wary as it is a job involving travel and working away so it's easier to lead a double life.

Has he told you he cares or loves you? Have you said that to him? Do you eat meals together? Was there sex talk early on?

In summary, this has red flags all over it. But EVEN IF he's genuine, it can't work. Why would you want to make your life more complicated when it's easy to get out now? Know your value - you deserve to be in a relationship where you get quality time together and where it isn't an impossible challenge from the outset. There is a big difference between your man working away when you were able to date and get to know each other so have a strong relationship; and dating someone who works away and you'll never see. You can't build on sand. I've found after years in an abusive relationship, I seem to get easily hooked into situations involving emotionally unavailable men and I see it as a challenge to win. That's work I've had to do on myself; to realise I deserve effort, time, commitment, and that even if my best match comes along, if we can't see each other for ANY reason then it won't work unless both of us can and will change things. This relationship sounds like it won't work even if he's being honest, so cut your losses.

Please come back and update us all. People here just care about you seeing the light.

Big HGVs go on it as well, it’s how goods get to Ireland and vice versa. Just the same as Lorries on the ferries to and from the continent and England.

'New partner'

First two words of the title of your OP and the klaxons are already sounding.

'Partner' is typically used to describe a serious, committed, long-term relationship where you have chosen not to marry. So you cannot really have a 'new' partner, unless you are talking with old friends who also knew your previous partner.

So this person is not a partner. They are a brand new something.

Are they a boyfriend? Have you been dating? With a view to establishing a serious relationship? Getting to know each other in the context of your wider lives? Do you refer to each other as boyfriend and girlfriend? Are you exclusive?

Maybe, maybe not. It doesn't sound like it.

Be matter-of-fact about what has been going on.

How long you have known this person for? How often you see each other? For how long each time? How do you spend your time together?

It sounds like he visits you in the middle of the night and has no interaction with any other part of your life.

The point of being factually accurate instead of wrongly assigning words like 'partner' is that it answers your own question.

No of course you don't bleeping twist yourself into contortions over your middle of the night booty call! Enjoy the sex when it suits you and stop pretending it's anything else!

My guess is that he has a clearer grasp of what this is and isn't than you do.

Really thoughtful post, you’re evidently v reflective and sensible

Well he sounds like a crappy parent and not someone you'd want to build a life with.

The magic carpet is a more likely scenario than any of the two main A roads in Scotland being fit to deal with the massive number of HGVs coming off the ferries in the next 30 years.

Bet he isn’t distancing his penis from the booty call / faux relationship.

My father did this but he worked across Europe as well. Even working in the UK, this could be plausible as he could be sent to London, then from there to Manchester, from Manchester down to Peterborough etc. my dad was generally only home one weekend out of four, and to be honest, it was pretty lonely for my mum. He ended up cheating and they split up, and to be honest - nothing really changed for us as he was hardly about anyway! We didn't speak for years afterwards due to the circumstances, although we have a much better relationship now.

I don't think that the relationship as you describe it would be sustainable. If he's not willing to move jobs then I would call it quits tbh.