New partner has to work as a tramper, he's stressed and distancing himself

[GiddyOtter]

So my new partner is an HGV driver. He currently works night shifts but his employer has informed him that in 4 days time he will be a tramper (living on the road in his wagon). I don't drive and have a daughter from a previous relationship so I can't just go to meet him when he's on a break.

What advice would you give to someone in my shoes as the relationship is quite new. I don't want to lose him but with how distant he has been I think he can't see a way of making it work but I sure as hell would try anything. Also the chances of him being anywhere near to meet are very slim by the sounds of it.

The boss has said he will be home for one weekend a month but he too has a daughter so I don't want to be taking him away from her as he won't have seen her for weeks. Obviously as the relationship is new we haven't met each others children yet so it's not as easy as saying when he is home do something just the four of us.

I don't want to beg him to be with me if he feels it won't work but I will try absolutely anything before giving up.

Any advice please

BiL is a tramper works Sun to Thurs each week, drives across UK, France and on occasion Holland.

I agree with everyone else he is lying to you!

I spent years driving trucks and still work with a lot of truckers and have friends that drive.

Ignore the people that don't believe it. It's entirely feasible I'm afraid to say - I once had a contract that said my hours and location could change at short notice. However, my boss knew I'd be off if he tried it so it never happened.

He won't be working solidly but he may have to say drive up to Scotland on the Friday and back down on the Monday so he'll likely be having his rest periods away from home. Experienced drivers are still in demand and there are lots of good jobs out there. Tramping is usually part of general haulage which typically doesn't pay as well as say supermarket work.

My mate was working for DPD as a long term agency job and was getting over £50k with a bit of overtime. Supermarket work is often £45k+. Another mate did his ADR tanks for a few hundred and got a job on the fuel tankers where his basic is £54-56k depending on bonuses but many of them make £60-65k through overtime as Sundays are paid double time (£56 p/h).

If he's only got a Class 2 license then I'd suggest something like tipper or mixer work. Home every night and free on weekends unless you want to do the odd Saturday morn. Can have the odd late finish but weekends are always optional and some plants/companies don't tend to work as late - e.g. Cemex Derby are usually done by 15:30 while Cemex Aston can be working till 7-8pm when busy. Tippers don't tend to work as late as they're not rushing to finish a concrete pour/hit a specific target volume before going home but often the pay is slightly less as there's a lot less cleaning/maintenance.

Tramping would be my very last choice tbh and the guys that do it often do it because they like that lifestyle. It's one of the last remaining semi-nomadic lifestyles for want of a better description. The issue often is that drivers become very friendly with their employers and are almost like mates/family - especially with smaller companies. It's often a different dynamic from office work where everybody usually maintains a professional distance.

Even with all the will in the world OP, you can’t make it work if he doesn’t want it to work.
It very much sounds as if he is trying to distance himself from you (literally and emotionally) rather than tell you honestly that it’s over for him, but you are so utterly desperate to hang on to him that you aren’t hearing what he’s telling you.
You can’t make him want to stay in a relationship with you.

I think you should stop thinking of him as a partner and when he next gets in his truck, let him drive away for ever.

But having a trucker as a partner is historically famous for being difficult - hence all the jokes about the wife having an affair etc/job being a divorce bringer etc. Less so in the UK where most truckers are home every night.

People in professional/office jobs have no idea. I would get into work at 6-7am and not know what time I was going to finish. 12 hours wouldn't make most truckers bat an eye and 13-14 hour days happened regularly enough if there were delays. That's why I like construction work. It's usually a 50 hour week with the odd few hours overtime here and there.

50 hours sounds a lot but I spent a lot of time drinking coffee and having a nap while waiting to be tipped.

My dad was a tramper and he was home every weekend. Sometimes it wouldn't be until Saturday morning (depending where his last drop was on Friday), but he would be with us for the majority of the weekend. This man is lying to you.

So because your dad was home every weekend then every tramping job is the same?

I guess my mate must be lying about working part time in an office because my dad always worked Mon-Fri when he did office work.

Where is your daughter when he comes to see you after his night shifts and at weekends? You say he hasn't met her and that she has no contact with her dad, so who is looking after her?

For the rightone you'd just change your job rather than lose that person and contact with your children so I think others who've said so are maybe right, something else going on.....

Sorry OP I agree with many on here that this man is not being honest with you. This sounds like an easy way out for him, whatever he's telling you.

He's not being honest with you, presumably to create an exit for himself. As people have said, what he's describing isn't how the job actually works.

What evidence do you have that anything he's said to you about his family set-up is true? From the outside, it looks like he's either having an affair (with you as the unsuspecting OW) and now wants to end it, or he's a deadbeat dad who dumps his kid on others during his contact time to shag his new girlfriend and now doesn't have the balls to tell his new girlfriend that he doesn't want to see her anymore.

Say what? 👀

He has his daughter every weekend at his parents house? So she doesn't see her mother nor her father most weekends?

You say this is a new relationship. OP this alone is a waving red flag right there. I think there is much you do not know about this man.

When she's in bed and fast asleep he comes to see me and as he hasn't met my daughter he's gone in time for them both waking up

Every tramping job isn’t the same, but the working hours rule is. As PP’s have explained, there is a maximum amount of hours HGV drivers can work over a seven day period.
No driver doing tramping work would only have time off one weekend in four.

I think he’s lying, either way, it’s not going to work. “Parents house” how old is he?

Looking forward - Sounds like there wont be much time for you in that arrangement with him being on the road 4 days in a row as well

He's not being honest with you, presumably to create an exit for himself. As people have said, what he's describing isn't how the job actually works.

This is utter bullshit. The only people saying that clearly have no idea how the job works.

Of course it's not out the realms of possibility that something dodgy could be going on, but as a former trucker it's entirely feasible that the boss could've changed his hours to meet business needs. A small haulage company can easily get a new contract and need a driver to fulfil it. It even said in my previous contract that work hours/location could be changed at short notice and for some guys that were prepared to do it that meant moving from days to nights or working away at the docks for a week at a time.

It's frustrating to see misinformed people giving advice on stuff they clearly know nothing about, especially when it could lead to the OP making serious decisions.

Where will the child go now for the 3 weekend (he claims) he will be away?

Still to his parents?

What did he say to you is the reason he has his daughter every weekend?

Main requirement is to have 45 hours uninterrupted rest every week, which can be reduced to 24 hours and made up by the third following week if required. There's no requirement that the rest period is taken on the weekend so he might only have one weekend free every month if he's working some weekends and taking his rest period in the week.

More likely is that he'll have to travel to the other end of the country on say a Friday but then need to drive the truck back down on the Monday. So he'd likely be staying there for the weekend rather than spending most of the Saturday travelling back down on public transport and then the Sunday back up, which would be expensive and prevent a proper rest.

So if your daughter woke unexpectedly in the night, she'd find a strange man in her house? Do you go to sleep while he's there? Are you aware of the statistics about "mum's new boyfriend" being the biggest risk to children of being sexually abused?

That's a terrible approach.

Maybe he’s just not that into you and you don’t want to see it. He is probably spewing out the same bullshit to other ‘partners’.

This. Why would you do this to your own child and risk her sense of safety? Date all you like but do it outside of the home where your child is until the relationship is established enough that you can introduce them. No child should have to risk walking in on their mum and some random man.

This sounds like he’s met someone else but he is stringing you along with this nonsense work story in case it doesn’t work out.

Lots of people have mentioned that if his story were true, and he had the motivation, he could very easily get a new driver job with better conditions and social hours.

I think he's lying, too.
Dd's FIL is a long-distance lorry driver.
He loves it and it's his main topic of conversation, so I'm a little aware, due to many conversations, of some of the rules and regs.
Coming home one weekend a month won't be true, there are rules around rest periods, how long you can drive.
He has to have an unbroken rest period of 45 hours every week, what's he going to do, sit in his cab for 45 hrs?
It's also true that there is a shortage of HGV driver, the fil uses this fact when his company try to take the piss, he knows he has the upper hand as he could get another job tomorrow.
The UK isn't that big that you'd need to be on the road all that time.
I think he's trying to let you down gently.

Do your homework on driving hours @GiddyOtter because this bloke is lying to you as others have said.

You cannot legally be out in the lorry for 27-29 days a month with no return home or breaks. It's simply illegal and his boss would know this and would almost certainly lose his operating licence of this was reported...and trust me tachograph are all digital and much harder to fake and doctor these days.

There is something else at play that you need to ne aware of.