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Original poster

New partner has to work as a tramper, he's stressed and distancing himself

238 replies

GiddyOtter · 04/01/2025 23:48

So my new partner is an HGV driver. He currently works night shifts but his employer has informed him that in 4 days time he will be a tramper (living on the road in his wagon). I don't drive and have a daughter from a previous relationship so I can't just go to meet him when he's on a break.

What advice would you give to someone in my shoes as the relationship is quite new. I don't want to lose him but with how distant he has been I think he can't see a way of making it work but I sure as hell would try anything. Also the chances of him being anywhere near to meet are very slim by the sounds of it.

The boss has said he will be home for one weekend a month but he too has a daughter so I don't want to be taking him away from her as he won't have seen her for weeks. Obviously as the relationship is new we haven't met each others children yet so it's not as easy as saying when he is home do something just the four of us.

I don't want to beg him to be with me if he feels it won't work but I will try absolutely anything before giving up.

Any advice please

OP posts:
Hollietree · 05/01/2025 07:36

So during the week he only comes to see you at night. And at the weekend he only comes to see you at the night time?

Please tell me that he doesn’t turn up, have a shag, shower and then go off “to work”, or back to “his parents house”?

His wife has become suspicious. That’s why he can now only see you once a month.

Ilovethatbear · 05/01/2025 07:42

Zone2NorthLondon · 05/01/2025 01:12

You’re exceptionally gullible and he’s a liar. Come the fuck on and wise up to this nonsense

Sadly I concur.

This blokes story has more holes than a colander.

SidhuVicious · 05/01/2025 07:42

Missionimprobable · 05/01/2025 07:32

I think he's lying, too.
Dd's FIL is a long-distance lorry driver.
He loves it and it's his main topic of conversation, so I'm a little aware, due to many conversations, of some of the rules and regs.
Coming home one weekend a month won't be true, there are rules around rest periods, how long you can drive.
He has to have an unbroken rest period of 45 hours every week, what's he going to do, sit in his cab for 45 hrs?
It's also true that there is a shortage of HGV driver, the fil uses this fact when his company try to take the piss, he knows he has the upper hand as he could get another job tomorrow.
The UK isn't that big that you'd need to be on the road all that time.
I think he's trying to let you down gently.

I mentioned this above twice.

If you have to drive the truck up to Scotland on the Friday and then back down on the Monday, are you really going to want to spend most of your Saturday travelling back home on public transport to then do the same long journey back up the next day? After a 50-60 hour week and knowing you'll be back on the road again early the next morning after spending both days of your 'rest period' travelling? Of course not. Which is why most trampers stay away in this situation.

I agree he should change jobs if he's committed to making this work, and truck driving is a very easy job to do this in. But being away for large amounts of time is part and parcel of many trunking jobs, hence the jokes about them being 'marriage wreckers'.

And yes, some drivers do actually sit in the cab. They have a bed, TV, internet, games consoles, stove, fridge, etc. Pretty much everything they need. It's not the life for me but plenty do it. Go and find a pub or a gym and then come back and watch a film etc.

Imbusytodaysorry · 05/01/2025 07:45

GiddyOtter · 04/01/2025 23:58

It's in his contract that his working schedule can change as he said to his boss he didn't want to be away from home. He's distancing himself as I think he is genuinely upset that we have bonded together as a couple and now everything is up in the air. As it's in his contract if he refuses he could lose his job. The tramping is going to be all over the UK and to Ireland too

He will still get time at home it’s the law .

He is either cheating and seeing you before he heads home in the morning to the wife .
Or he just wants to end things.

Im not sure anyone knows any lorry driver that only gets one weekend off a month.

Anewuser · 05/01/2025 07:47

@SidhuVicious I don’t think anyone is trying to say you’re wrong with the policies and procedures. They are just giving their opinion on why they think this bloke is having her on.

This sounds exactly like my cousin. It went on so long, he had a full family in a different place. Each thought they were the only one.

OP, tell him you don’t think the relationship will work, then you’ll find out whether he actually wants to make it work - like getting a new driving job.

SidhuVicious · 05/01/2025 07:49

I only saw my partner on weekends when I was a trucker. He lived an hour away and I wasn't tramping. I needed to be in bed at 10pm and would regularly finish work as late as 7pm. Even if I finished at 6pm it wasn't enough time to go home, shower, and do a two hour round trip in addition to spending quality time with him.

It didn't work out and I had to find a partner that lived near me in the end. People could've easily said I was cheating being that I only lived an hour away and rarely saw him Mon-Fri.

SidhuVicious · 05/01/2025 07:50

And most of the guys I'm working with on HS2 stay down for the week and travel back Friday night, getting home late due to the traffic.

RealFatball · 05/01/2025 07:50

My husband is a hgv driver and has been tramping for the last 25 years, we have 3 older children. The working rules for drivers are really clear and basically require him to have 36 to 48 hours off every week. He works Monday to Friday so we basically see him every weekend. Something is not quite stacking up here OP around the hours your partner is required to work.

Soxersandbocks · 05/01/2025 07:50

GiddyOtter · 04/01/2025 23:53

He has no reason to lie. He was coming to see me after finishing his night shifts so that we got time with each other as I work during the day when he is getting his head down ready for his next shift at work. I am just looking for ideas on how we could make the tramping situation work

Working time directive wouldn't allow him to be working 7 days a week while driving an HGV. My partner is an tramper, hes home every weekend. If he works 6 days one week, he needs 48 hours off the next week.

Imbusytodaysorry · 05/01/2025 07:52

GiddyOtter · 05/01/2025 01:05

I see him at weekends as he leaves his daughter at home with his parents.

Show quote history

Can you break down what time you spend with him ?
How long have you been dating?
Have you had any weekends away. ?
Do you got out together ?
Does he stay over ?

How much of a weekend does he spend with you ? Hours or nights ?

SidhuVicious · 05/01/2025 07:53

Soxersandbocks · 05/01/2025 07:50

Working time directive wouldn't allow him to be working 7 days a week while driving an HGV. My partner is an tramper, hes home every weekend. If he works 6 days one week, he needs 48 hours off the next week.

Show quote history

Well, he won't be working seven days. He'll probs be taking his rest period on the other side of the country so he's there to drive the truck back down on Monday.

SallyWD · 05/01/2025 07:53

It does sound like he's lying, particularly if he's distancing himself. Maybe he's met someone else.
However, if he's telling the truth, his working hours are illegal. There is also a national shortage of HGV drivers so he can easily get another job.
Something doesn't add up here.

SidhuVicious · 05/01/2025 07:54

It just sounds like he's got the shit tramping job nobody else wants to do.

FeegleFrenzy · 05/01/2025 07:55

He’s completely bullshitting you.

Viviennemary · 05/01/2025 07:57

Nerdlings · 04/01/2025 23:50

It sounds to me like there is more going on here. I don’t think he is being truthful.

I agree. He is using it as an excuse. I don't think I would believe this tale.

magicalmrmistoffelees · 05/01/2025 08:02

If his new role means he’s only going to be able to see his daughter one weekend a month, surely his very first priority is to look for another job?

YourGladSquid · 05/01/2025 08:02

I haven’t managed to go through the whole thread yet so apologies if it’s been mentioned, but are you sure he lives with his parents? Have you met them?

Because from the outside it sounds like he comes to you after his “shifts” and on the weekends when the kid stays with the grandparents. This could easily be: he comes to you when his partner is off to work in the morning/whenever and when he drops off the kid to visit the grandparents.

Something doesn’t add up, OP. When I was cheated on it was like that as well: each woman was off to work thinking everything was fine and he was just making it work around schedules.

Doris86 · 05/01/2025 08:04

One of our neighbours worked as an HGV driver. He retired, but his company then persuaded him to come back a couple of days a week as there is such a shortage of drivers.

Surely your partner could just walk into a new job fairly easily.

TrackDay · 05/01/2025 08:05

He's lying, sorry OP.

I know this industry well.

Puffypuffin · 05/01/2025 08:06

SidhuVicious · 05/01/2025 07:18

He's not being honest with you, presumably to create an exit for himself. As people have said, what he's describing isn't how the job actually works.

This is utter bullshit. The only people saying that clearly have no idea how the job works.

Of course it's not out the realms of possibility that something dodgy could be going on, but as a former trucker it's entirely feasible that the boss could've changed his hours to meet business needs. A small haulage company can easily get a new contract and need a driver to fulfil it. It even said in my previous contract that work hours/location could be changed at short notice and for some guys that were prepared to do it that meant moving from days to nights or working away at the docks for a week at a time.

It's frustrating to see misinformed people giving advice on stuff they clearly know nothing about, especially when it could lead to the OP making serious decisions.

I understand what you're saying but the OP doesn't really have any serious decisions to make. Her new boyfriend does.

SidhuVicious · 05/01/2025 08:11

Puffypuffin · 05/01/2025 08:06

I understand what you're saying but the OP doesn't really have any serious decisions to make. Her new boyfriend does.

Show quote history

Agreed. He needs to step up and make a few calls.

It could all be codswallop but as somebody who knows the industry well I just felt obliged to point out that he could feasibly be away most of the month and still be within the regs as he'd be having his rest period away from home in preparation to drive back down on Monday. We have mixer drivers at work who will stay down for a couple of weeks and then go back up north once the pour has finished.

PheasantPluckers · 05/01/2025 08:12

AsACloud · 05/01/2025 00:26

Companies all over the UK & Ireland are in dire need of HGV drivers. If he doesn’t want to do tramping then he just tells his boss no or he will leave and get another job. Sounds like he should be working for a better company anyway.

I was going to say this. There aren't enough drivers, they're in demand- he doesn't have to do anything.

Guinessandafire · 05/01/2025 08:13

So many red flags he could be the star of a parade in China..

ByQuaintAzureWasp · 05/01/2025 08:16

Loads of hgv driver jobs ... he needs to get applying for something that suits

charabang · 05/01/2025 08:17

Tramping is hard on family life (been there) but fortunately well paid HGV work is easy to get. If he values his relationship with you and his daughter he'll look for a different contract. Tbh it sounds very suspicious and I suspect he has another relationship on the go; it isnt at all unusual for HGV drivers as it's so easy to be non contactable for big chunks of time.