New partner has to work as a tramper, he's stressed and distancing himself

[GiddyOtter]

So my new partner is an HGV driver. He currently works night shifts but his employer has informed him that in 4 days time he will be a tramper (living on the road in his wagon). I don't drive and have a daughter from a previous relationship so I can't just go to meet him when he's on a break.

What advice would you give to someone in my shoes as the relationship is quite new. I don't want to lose him but with how distant he has been I think he can't see a way of making it work but I sure as hell would try anything. Also the chances of him being anywhere near to meet are very slim by the sounds of it.

The boss has said he will be home for one weekend a month but he too has a daughter so I don't want to be taking him away from her as he won't have seen her for weeks. Obviously as the relationship is new we haven't met each others children yet so it's not as easy as saying when he is home do something just the four of us.

I don't want to beg him to be with me if he feels it won't work but I will try absolutely anything before giving up.

Any advice please

Lol
Sorry but he's not telling you the truth.

His wife is probably getting suspicious. Like bollocks is he living with his parents.

It's disappointing that he couldn't think up a better story for you, spy on a top secret mission, doctor with a cure for Ebola on a plane to Africa etc. This tramping business is lacking in scope and in execution and for that alone you'd be right to dump him. Are there no other men in your area at all? Because I can't work out what you see in this chump.

OP you’re embarrassing yourself. He’s told you some rubbish to get rid of you (but keep you there in case he changes his mind). Have some dignity please.

Something very off about it all. Even seeing his dd every single weekend
When does her mother get a free day to chill with her daughter when mother isn’t working and dd is off school
No primary parent would agree to these terms

You also say he is with his dd every weekend but then says he leaves her with his parents

There are 168 hours in a week. Over a period of time drivers can only average 48 hours per week. What is he doing for the other 120 hours.

Just because something is in a contract doesn’t make it legal or enforceable

Go and look in any lorry park on a Saturday and you'll find it empty as they all went home on Friday night.

I live in a village where the High Street is a busy main route, lorries crawling through all day.
I was there yesterday, none. Sunday barred to lorries, no hardship as the drivers are home.
One weekend off in four is highly unlikely.

It really doesn't matter whether he is lying to you or not. Either it's true in which case you'll never see him.

Or he's lying and doesn't want to see you for whatever reason. He could have a wife or has met somebody else or has recently reconciled with his ex or whatever.

Given the shortage of HGV drivers though, I tend to the view he's lying - does he always come to your place? Have you met any friends or family? Do you go on dates in public or does he just come over for a booty call type arrangement? Do you know his parents' address?

I think he's distant because he wants to end things. He's not reassuring you that he'll work something out with him looking for a new job or anything like that. I am sorry but you sound a lot keener on him than he is on you. It's happened to the best of us at some time or other. I think you have to accept there's no future with him and move on.

What attracts you to a deadbeat dad?

Agree with previous posters, that’s not in any way an accurate (or indeed legal) tramper schedule.

I don't drive and have a daughter from a previous relationship so I can't just go to meet him when he's on a break

you sound desperate. You have a child, he has a child.

This tramping situation (never heard of this before) won't work, if indeed it's true what he's said.

he doesn't sound keen or motivated to continue so you need to take the message and stop thinking you can "do anything" to make it work. If anything he should be saying that to you, and he isn't.

your daughter has to come first surely.

Another desperate woman with a child who has found a bloke who she “will do anything to make it work with”. It’s a new relationship and his story sounds utter bollocks. Wake up, get some dignity and ditch him. Yemen. 😂

Hey OP. I don’t want to pile on with the others, but what you’ve conveyed about your partners working conditions / hours just isn’t plausible. You’ve indicated he'll get one weekend off in four? And work, essentially without periods off, at all other times? I’d imagine his roster (should this tramping thing be true) is significantly different - say four days on, three off.

in summary, I think you need to investigate his story.

When does he actually see his daughter then, if he palms her off to his parents to spend time with you?

Nah. Why would she bother investigating when it's utter nonsense?

Just ditch the lying loser OP and move on.

So he only sees his daughter at weekends, but dumps her on his parents so he can go and see his girlfriend? A real prince.

I don't think he's being remotely honest with you about anything. I think you're a booty call. Read between the lines. Dump him and do better.

Had to post on this one , my other half is a tramper he works Monday to Friday starts early Monday away all week comes home Friday evening but sometimes if he’s run out of hours will end up what’s called running in on a Saturday morning they have strict rules around working hours and breaks and time off so what your new partner is telling you unless you’ve mis understood wouldn’t be right the only thing that would fit with what he’s telling you would be if he was doing the continent then I do think that maybe he would be away for several weeks at a time and maybe back for a weekend every 3 but my other half hasn’t done the continent so I’m not 100% sure how it works but in this country what your saying just wouldn’t be allowed legally also has others have said HGV drivers can literally walk out of one job and onto another within the day there is a massive demand for them they can almost name their price. just to end it’s not a family friendly job you spend very little time together even if he was home every weekend trying to juggle seeing you and seeing his child would be difficult in such a short amount of free time I’d think long and hard about this before embarking further into the relationship the money is good but the work / home life is shit

If he has his child every single weekend, then there is absolutely NO WAY he’d be accepting of this new role, and knowing his circumstances, I’d highly doubt his company would even suggest it. It’s such a sought after role, he could be looking at ten different job offers within 24 hours with a few phone calls.

Have you actually visited his place where he says he’s living? How far is it from your place? I do not believe his story at all.

The saying ‘A sailor has a girl in every port’ or rather ‘The driver has a girl in every layby’ springs to mind. He will have spun this yarn a thousand times. You sound desperate to hang on to him, whilst he is already backing away. Please investigate his story. It has more holes than a tea bag.
Find a man worth your effort.

The details don't matter.

He's told you there's no future for your relationship.

And you're not listening.

Why on earth would driving around with him or meeting up with him even be a thought that enters your mind? You say it’s something you can’t do because you have a child. You are also an adult who presumably has responsibilities of your own and likely employment of your own.

anyway, let this guy go.

He has little time with his daughter and was leaving her to spend it with you.

his response to a supposedly unwanted massive change in his job parameters is to be meek and leave his daughter behind. A normal person would say he plans to work this new schedule for the paycheck while he looks for a better job that allows him to parent.

This is harsh. He lives with his parents.. what’s the harm in him having an evening out if his DD is asleep anyway.

Regardless, what is stopping him at least looking for other jobs so that he can continue to see his DD at weekends?

I call BS, DH was a tramper across UK and Italy many years ago, he left on Sunday and was home Friday every week.

as others have pointed out his driving hours wouldn’t permit this, so is he being holed up In his cab somewhere for two days a week? I doubt it.

Sorry OP, as PP have said, he is lying. Best to ditch him and find someone worthy.

I agree. I know someone who is a long haul HGV driver, he goes away for periods of time, sometimes abroad, has done so for years, but then has a fair bit of time at home which compensates - certainly a lot more than one weekend in three. He and his wife are happy, have brought up three children.

You say this is a new relationship. Don't pin too much on it, it may not suit you to have someone you can't see regularly, particularly as you say he has a child who must take priority.

It does sound a bit fishy to me, I know the drivers have rotas worked out a lot more fairly than you describe. I wonder if he is backing off, or only wants something very part-time/occasional. That would suit some people but obviously not you.

You don't want to lose him, so you say, but what is proposed is not satisfactory for you. You could find someone else who has a job that doesn't take him away for long periods, who you could see more often - and know where he is.

See how it goes, try to find out a bit more about him without appearing too pushy, but keep your options open, widen your net. Don't be desperate and clingy. There are other fish in the sea. Have some fun, be less intense in a new relationship, that can be off putting for the other party.

Sorry kiddo but another one here saying, that is utter bollocks.

HGV drivers are in short supply, they can absolutely walk out of one job and straight into the door of another UNLESS there is some major problem, ie, they're dodgy in some pretty significant way and are therefore tied to a dodgy employer as a result. And it would have to be really seriously illegal shit, like unlicenced/fake licence type stuff.

One of my best friends recently got his HGV to get out of driving sub 3.5T vans on 'short' (hahaha 10 hours a day, but theres no tacho and its all self certified and he had to agree that every trip was sub 10 hours regardless of the actual time!) trips between big cities, because the jobs are plentiful and the hours far more tightly controlled on the HGVs.

You're being told lies I'm afraid and the oldest one in the book is that he's single and you're the only woman he's seeing.

OP when I was quite young I got really friendly with a guy I met online. Quite a bit older and very good looking. One of the first men to really show me attention so I was flattered. We talked for hours on the phone and actually he came across as more keen than me. Worked as a teacher We met for a date (just cinema and a meal) and it seemed to go really well. However not long after the date he spun me some story about being offered a job in America. I knew it was bullshit. I told him so and he ghosted me after he knew I wasn't fooled. He was still listed as a teacher at his school for years after that so my instincts were right

Even though we only had one date he really made me feel like we had a connection so this rejection was really humiliating and upsetting especially when it came after he'd seen me irl for the first time. However I now realise that I massively dodged a bullet. Looking back on it an almost 40 year man who still acts like a teenager and doesn't have the guts to just tell a woman that he's 'not that into her' is definitely one to throw back in the pond. He would have caused even more trouble if I'd gotten more serious and god forbid married him/had kids so in the end it was absolutely the right thing for it to end there so that I could find my wonderful DH. Based on what you've said OP this really isn't your prince charming. Throw him back. Have some dignity.

HGV drivers are in high demand. I would suggest he changes job