Anyone else have no friends?

[Lostworlds]

I’m in my early 30’s and have absolutely no friends. I don’t really know how it happened as I used to have friends but everyone drifted away from me. I put in a lot of effort and still people aren’t interested.
I had 2 close friends but turns out they weren’t my friends at all.

I’ve tried meeting people at baby and toddler groups, I’ve suggested meeting up with people I’m friendly with at work. I’ve gone out with my dh’s friends partners but nothing sticks. I’m on mat leave which means I’m at home a lot more than I’d like to be so I take the kids out a lot and do things otherwise I spend the day alone with my kids which is great but I don’t hear from any adults at all. No one ever makes the effort to contact me.

Sounds so pathetic and I have no idea what I’m asking here other than is anyone else like me?

I think many people don't appreciate that you have to invest in friendships over time for them to sustain and flourish, just like any other relationship.

I'm single so friends are very important to me. I message several of them every day - even if it's just to share a silly meme. I make an effort to see at least one friend socially each week and I am always thinking of ways to do fun things with my friends (I am very much an organiser!)

As for making new friends, this is easiest if you are happy in other areas of your life and aren't an energy sapper or too 'intense'. People like being around laid back, easy going, cheerful types and generally steer clear of anyone who looks like they're going to be hard work.

F

What gets me the most when I see a lonely post, is that all the women who are in the same position (myself included), could potentially be missing out on a really great friendship 😔
It's almost like knowing the one is out there but missing the connection!

Genuinely decent, wholesome, female friends are rare indeed.

In the past 12 months I have jettisoned two friends for poor behaviour - I'd rather have no friends than unreliable friends.

My requirements are the most basic of decent human attributes - honesty, loyalty, reliability - but so few people appear to possess these.

I'm 40's South West/Bristol - and happy to chat, PM's welcome.

I’m honestly so touched by the amount of people who have replied to this post! I was really in a horrible place when I posted this the other day and thought there was clearly something wrong with me.

I’m hoping every one of us can find a group of women to chat to and confide it. It’s nice to just chat to someone and find out that there’s someone out there who wants to hear how your day has gone!

I took a step back last year. Walking group nobody replies. My friend always busy with grandkids. You wonder does anyone want do anything!! I did meet a friend last week was nice. God its hard work.

It is hard! You take a step back because you feel like it’s always you chasing the friendship and maintaining it.I appreciate everyone’s lives are different and we all prioritise different things but it takes less than 2 mins to message someone and ask how they are.

Yes thats it lostworlds just exhausting. Feel after covid people got selfish. One is happy yearly birthday cards. I stopped suggesting to meetup. All one sided...

@Noflukeforthenuke @ImNearlyNormal Yeah I think Glaswegians are friendly as in will chat away to you but its much harder if not impossible to make proper friends or gain admission to a pre-existing social circle and as many of these groups have been in existence since school or university years if you are older than early 20's then it is increasingly difficult to make new friends.

Even if you do by being an add on friend and not part of a core group then you will be at risk of being kind of forgotten about as people get older and family life takes over.

I actually have heard the same said about Scandinavian countries that it is quite hard to make friends and fit in long term so perhaps the climate and long dark winters are a factor also? Perhaps its easier in warmer places with a more casual night life scene such as Spain or Italy?

Yep, single parenting is tough in terms of friendship! I have a young toddler but find it hard to make plans with another parent as we end up having brief chats then go our separate ways. Other people don't really want to meet with a little one in tow which is fine and finding childcare is hard.

Hey guys, I've set up the WhatsApp for glasgow ladies, sorry about the delay I've had a mental couple of days at work! If anyone else wants in pm me and I'll send you the link ☺️

I'm also 30 years of old. And I have too many friends. Honestly, I am passing a great time with them. The most important thing is I can share my person issues with them. They help me to give better suggestions based on my problems.

@Doglover84 PM'd you ☺️

I’m interested in this but can’t find much information beyond how to join. What sort of things do you do together and how often?

I know how unpleasant, sad and demeaning it is to be that person, or to not match with people you yourself would like to spend time with.

I've also had experiences this year which has led me to think some women shut down on making new friends after finding a longterm partner or after they get married. They won't befriend someone they see as a potential threat to them and their relationship. They'll be polite to you, but there won't be warmth or openness there. It can be odd to think of yourself in those terms, but I've come to realise over time that feelings of insecurity of jealously don't work on some kind of shared logic.

Email the organiser for your local group and ask. I have two near me. One of them is full of dynamic people doing really interesting things and has a lot of younger people. The other is more older people and less dynamic but still lots of fun. I just don’t go along much, not sure why. The more dynamic one is quite difficult to get to and the other group has a lot of long standing members who are close friends. I felt a bit awkward .

This is what I worry about. I almost asked “does it feel cliquey?”

I think it just naturally happens in every group and I can’t do the social games anymore. Or at least right now.

I really understand where you’re coming from. Don’t let it put you off going along and trying your local group though. Don’t give up after going once, give it a good try for a few sessions. Every group is different and the people change each week too.

It’s not you, it’s the world now! Please don’t blame yourself. I’ve seen so many discussions like this all over the internet. We’re becoming more isolated as a species for many reasons - loss of third spaces such as local pubs, lack of money, busier lifestyles, the covid break resetting things, brexit making us argue amongst each other, the fucking covid rules making us argue amongst each other, niche entertainment straight to your home… etc.

I'm 35 and I am finding it much harder to have a social life. My kids are 9 and 7. I work 3 days on 3 days off. So my days change all the time. Both my friends have Wednesday's off. Its rare I see one now. The other I see around once a month!

I'm also not in a proper relationship. So I'm living alone and in the evening my friends are with their partners.

I do have friends through work but again nothing that important. I see them enough at work to not want to see them too much on days off.

I sometimes feel so lonely. I worry I'm not "normal" and should have things booked in. But I'm also too tired in life and busy with kids, housework, work and me time to have the energy anyway.

I'm going to go along to my local ones this month (there are a couple near me) and check it out. Will report back if the thread is still running!

Me, but it's because I'm a shit friend these days. I have zero energy (health reasons) and the consequential isolation has given me a bit of social anxiety, which I seriously dislike but lack the energy to deal with it!

I'm sorry for your situation and kind of unsurprised that so many other young women are feeling the same. I do believe all this has got worse since the pandemic - people developed personal bubbles, many suffered severe illness, bereavement, lives being drastically changed in unexpected ways. It traumatised people in ways we are still unwilling to discuss.

It's also pretty common when you have young children, as you have found. I hope this thread has sparked some new friendships! Me, I just make do with superficial exchanges in the shops, etc, and spend too much time on Mumsnet.

Again, seriously go on tiktok look up your area I made so many friends and good friends too on a tiktok retreat

I’ve never used tik tok and don’t intend to start. Glad it worked for you though.

I think this is a very common situation - life seems to get more ‘set’ as we age, and it can be harder to meet new friends unless it’s through a shared commonality - usually kids or work. There’s some interesting studies which show that loneliness attracts loneliness, which can then compound the feeling!

I am very fortunate in having a close network of friends mainly from my late teens and early 20’s, but most of them live hundreds of miles away so we don’t see each other as often as we would like. I had a group of local friends but they have pulled away since I had DC. One of my New Year’s resolutions is to make more local friends! @Lostworlds @Doglover84 I have very recently moved from Glasgow but I’m still pretty local and would be happy to join a group! So interesting that there are so many people from Glasgow! I’m English and moved here several years ago to study/work, I’m now mid 30s with young DC. I found the cities I lived in down south to be much friendlier than Glasgow, but maybe my expectations were too high! I lived in the west end, but found the Southside particularly cliquey for some reason. It’s a shame that more people aren’t open to forming connections I think, but also symptomatic of the busy and stressful lives we lead.