Anyone else have no friends?

[Lostworlds]

I’m in my early 30’s and have absolutely no friends. I don’t really know how it happened as I used to have friends but everyone drifted away from me. I put in a lot of effort and still people aren’t interested.
I had 2 close friends but turns out they weren’t my friends at all.

I’ve tried meeting people at baby and toddler groups, I’ve suggested meeting up with people I’m friendly with at work. I’ve gone out with my dh’s friends partners but nothing sticks. I’m on mat leave which means I’m at home a lot more than I’d like to be so I take the kids out a lot and do things otherwise I spend the day alone with my kids which is great but I don’t hear from any adults at all. No one ever makes the effort to contact me.

Sounds so pathetic and I have no idea what I’m asking here other than is anyone else like me?

I was having a similar conversation yesterday. I realised a few years ago that any "friends" I have tend to be situational (for example work) and when that situation changes that friendship peters out (even though I try to keep it going). (This happened recently when I went on maternity leave - making me realise that work friends were just that, work friends.)

What I would like is to develop those kind of friendships that I see some others have - meaningful ones where they know you inside out and when anything in your life happens your first thought is "I must tell X".

I'm the common denominator here so something I'm doing isn't working!

I'm 39 now so chances are many new people I meet already have these defined friendship groups so I've come to accept that it is unlikely I'll be able to develop this for myself.

But I will continue to try!

I’m in the same situation as you OP so your post really resonated with me. I’ve been meaning to post similar lately. I’m in my late 30s though. I lost some friends due to different life stages (having kids at different times). I did have two close friends but I also experienced the exclusion and flakiness when it comes to plans.

I have a supportive partner and toddler and family unit but would like to have a couple of close friends to confide in and meet up for coffee here and there.

I was thinking of using the bumble friend app prior poster mentioned.

My mother is in her seventies and very active in the WI. I envy her for her friends! I don't have any close friends, no-one I can count on in an emergency IYSWIM. I live in London, but want to get out. I like history and nosing around old houses. I like the pub and also a nice cup of tea. I read a bit, but not as much as I should. I'm 47. (Maybe I should join the WI)

@Lostworlds I'm 27 in Glasgow. I am pregnant though but I'd be very happy to chat or potentially organise something feel free to PM me.

In my experience it’s understanding your personal definition of friendship.

My contacts list suggests I have a multiple of ‘friends’. They are not. They are ‘light touch’ connections, great for a coffee and chat shit - presenting my public face to the world.

In reality, I have one close friend who really knows me, and I know them - warts and all.

I have no-one whose time I can claim for a personal event like Christmas.

So it looks like I have lots of friends. I don’t agree. But I wonder if I have too high an expectation of what friendship can offer. In reality, what I expect from friendship, I should providing that for myself.

Some of us don't even have these ' light touch connections ' to spend time with .

I’m late twenties and feel exactly the same. After having my second child, my few remaining friends seemed to just vanish. Despite us both living far from our home towns, DP still has loads of friends he speaks to daily, his friendships seem to be unchanged by distance or kids, which makes me feel even worse! After Covid and then two close mat leaves, I feel as though I have lost my confidence when it comes to meeting new people too.

The four places I found friends as a full adult (so leaving aside school, uni and training friends) were (a) primary school-gates (I loathed nearly all the parents at the secondary school!), (b) church (not religious, but it was a lovely community to join when DC were kids), (c) work (but only because we still have professional as well as personal things in common) and (d) book club. This latter source has been particularly good; when we meet to discuss the book, we quickly move past the book to examine how the book's themes reflect our own experiences, which are probably more diverse than the people in my other groups of friends.

For me, friendship is not about going out out, but about talking through interests, ideas and issues, so maybe what MN calls 'hobby groups' are a good bet OP?

@Lostworlds what city are you in? You could do meetup apps.

I'm in London and for fun I use Timeleft

Yes! Me too! (Not actually as excited about being in this position as my exclamation marks might suggest...)

Late 30s, similar to pp I had friends wherever I was working/ studying, but when I became a SAHM I found that almost all other people at toddler groups were grandparents or nannies. And they weren't looking for friends. And having moved around I've left behind previous work friends.

So we upped sticks and moved continents to my husband's home country, where everyone raved about how friendly it is, how there are so many stay at home mums, how much of a "village" there is for those with young kids... and I totally bought it - it sounded like just what I needed. But alas, it turns out they don't like foreigners...! It's a very closed community.

So I'm here with my no friends, just hanging out with my kids day after day... I'm hoping we'll get back to the UK one day and I'll get back to work and make friends again... maybe.

But you're not alone! If we move to Glasgow, I'll hang out with you 😀

I have very few friends. I have a few people who I have to do all the running with and occasionally meet up with, but if I didn't contact them they would never contact me. I don't think they dislike me, I just think I'm not in their 'inner circle' . I had a very close friendship a while ago, and she basically ghosted me, I have not spoken to her in 15 months now and I don't know why. We were really close. I was quite heartbroken to be honest. We had a few other mutual friends who now I don't see because it's just made it really awkward. I have a few lifelong friends who if I contacted them they would respond probably. Very occasionally meet up with them.

What I don't have is anyone who checks in on me, hi, how are you? Messages etc. I have no one who thinks about me. It makes me really sad and I feel so lonely. I've been really unwell over Christmas and I have not had a single contact from a single person. Thank god for my dh as he is basically my only friend. Even my brother and sister, they saw me on Boxing Day, I was clearly unwell (I've had Bell's palsy, me whole Face is paralysed, it's not like I've had a cold FFS) and neither of them has messaged to even ask how I am.

I'd like to met people to chat with, it doesn't have to be 'deep' but just people I have affinity with to put the world to rights with. I miss the easy conversation you get with girlfriends. Maybe a dog walk or a hill walk, meet for coffee etc. I think we're of the age where our friendships get neglected a bit but lifelong friendships survive that whereas fragile ones just don't survive it. I've joined a new gym and like the people there, but I wouldn't ask them for a coffee or a social thing yet.

I'm in Worcestershire/warwickshire border if anyone is near to me, pm me.

Those of you who have tried apps, how have you found it? I previously used the peanut app which led me to swap to a different baby class. I met up with the mums a few times but drifted apart when returned to work.

again I can’t believe so many of us feel like this, it’s really horrible how much friendships just change and we can feel lonely.

Is anyone up to anything nice today?

This is how I’ve felt. Truly cried over the break as no one checked in and even if I message someone then they either don’t reply or a get a quick ‘I’m good’ response.
Just a chat and check in would be lovely, just feeling like someone has thought about you and cares enough to ask if such a big thing. How are you feeling now?

Use Timeleft where you meet people for dinner. Use apps where you meet and do something fun together.

I think this was the thing on TV before Christmas, might be good for some of us.

www.llgc.co.uk/

There is a Facebook group called Thrive - Women Living Our Best Lives. I have yet to attend but there are 67k members and events all over the country. Quite a few female friendship groups have been created on Facebook since lockdown with people saying their friendships have drifted so they have joined to make new friends.

I am north east England! If anyone wants to message me feel free! Xx

I found myself with no ‘going out’ friends in my mid 40’s when I came out of a long relationship as my friends/ family had settled down and had kids. I actually Googled ‘how to make friends as an adult 😆) and came across the Meetup site. I was too nervous to go on an existing meetup group event not knowing anyone there so I started my own group. That was 8 years ago now it really was the making of me, I always thought I was an introvert and it turns out I’m not really, I just hadn’t made friends easily. The group is still going and I have a very good social circle now. It just took one night of willing to be brave for a couple of hours. The best part is there are so many people in the same position for whatever reason that you end up helping others as well.

I don't have friends who I go out with all the time, spend hours on the phone chatting, visiting or cooking for.

I do have one school friend who I catch up with occasionally for a lunch, wish each other Merry Christmas and Happy Birthday and 4 ex colleagues where we arrange a meet up once or twice a year and send birthday cards. We don't see or contact each other from one month to the next. I occasionally connect with a few people on Facebook, mostly school friends but nothing meaningful which is fine but I don't message people "how are you?" and I don't expect concern being reciprocated.

I'm happy that I don't have friendship groups with different needs, wants and dramas and having to go out for everyone's birthday, weekends away, shopping trips and any other excuse for a "girl's night out".

I know how it feels OP, and when I became pregnant I had friends drop me and the others drifted away over the years. I was a SAHM for nearly a decade and my best friend did the opposite and her career is soaring, which I’m thrilled for her, but I feel she looks down on me now and rarely wants to meet up.

We moved to a new town just before DC was born and a decade on I have only made a few superficial friendships. I’m back working but work alone in my own office and am lucky if I get to speak to someone 1-2 times a day- I don’t think I’ll last long in this job (no option to move to main office) as the isolation is awful.

I turned 50 last year and didn’t get a single card from anyone (except family) including my - probably former really - best friend. She sent me a text to say ‘Happy birthday’ and that was it (previously always sent cards), then my DM died a few months ago and I didn’t get a single sympathy card/thinking of you card from anyone, no one has text to say how are you etc. I feel so invisible and alone and it’s absolutely shit. It doesn’t help that DH has had the same friendship group since school and they are all so nice and welcoming - it shines a light on what I haven’t got.

So, solidarity - I’m older than you and all I can suggest is to get yourself out there to as many activities and groups as you can and never turn down an invitation unless absolutely necessary, as you never know who else you might meet there.

@driftingintheair that’s really painful about your mum, how are you doing now?
I think for me, no invites are coming! My two friends who over the last couple of years I’d say I’ve become
very close with have decided I’m not ‘part of the group anymore’. Our group chat lies empty, I’ve suggested meeting up, play dates with kids, even just a coffee/ walk one evening but it’s always met with silence or well sort something.

I made quite a lot of friends at WI when I was in my 40s. WI is aimed at younger women these days. Don’t knock it til you’ve tried it!

Where are you based? I tried meet up but there wasn’t anything really local to me except walking. And even then they were 40 and under (which then made me feel friendless and old!) 😂

anyone Hertfordshire or Bedfordshire based?

I'm the same. I lost all the joy in life going through menopause. Being around people gives me anxiety.