He wants me to go hard on my son

[Melanie1986]

Hi all, I need some advice. My children usually only see their father in the school holidays and live with me and my partner.
They got back tonight after spending a week there, we’ve had an unusually nice week after a recent rough patch, I was feeling hopeful that things had changed after not feeling particularly respected or happy for a while. I struggle with being made to feel like I can’t trust my own judgement and that’s why I’m posting I guess for honest advice.

My son who’s 11 has autism and does well having routines. He told me the week he’s been with his father he’s been left to his own devices which has been unlimited screen time and going to sleep at 4/5 am. So as you can imagine, it didn’t go down well when my partner told him to come off his things at half 11 and get in bed, I’d already agreed midnight with my son earlier on in an attempt to slowly get him back into a routine before school next week, my plan was to get him in bed an hour earlier each night. My son had a huge meltdown, woke his sister up, was screaming and banged his door shut. The only thing I can do in this situation is stay calm else it escalates. I told him calmly to get in bed, relax and told him he could watch some tv to wind down but the phone was now staying with me until tomorrow and I explained why. Things soon calmed down and son went to sleep.

My partner is now angry with me as he thinks I’m too soft on my son. He told me all I’ve done is calm the situation down until tomorrow when it all kicks off again. Yes he has a meltdown most days - I can deal with it however my partner can’t. He seems to think if I yell at my son and punish him it will stop his emotional outbursts but I know my son and it wouldn’t, it would just escalate. I’ve tried explaining this and he told me to go fuck myself and I always take my sons side. He called him a disrespectful little shit and I flipped, told him to go and sleep elsewhere. It’s not about sides but I’m getting sick of having to defend him and being told I’m being walked all over. I feel so unsupported and on my own again. Now the issue is much bigger than how it started.

I understand how hard it is for everyone to live with the meltdowns, my daughter in particular gets really upset with the commotion, I just don’t know what to do anymore. I feel I can’t win. But constantly having my partner having a go at me almost simultaneously at the same time as my son is getting too much for me, I understand the frustration but I’m not going to completely strip him of all his devices and ground him as he suggested for something he has no control over and I certainly won’t have him call my son names.

Struggling to see how to move forward if anyone has any advice please?

You know what you need to do

Do you think living with your partner is making life easier or harder for your children? I think this is a question every parent should consider carefully before moving a new partner into their child's home.

I would have said easier in the beginning. We’ve been living together for 6 years, so not a new relationship either. But things have changed and got more difficult as my son grows up.

I think this is very common. I think you both need some professional help around parenting a child with autism, as does your ex husband. It will get worse if you don't. IME routine is very important for a child with autism and everyone needs to understand and stick to it.

Actually, I have re-read your OP and anyone who called my child a little shit would be gone. No question. I somehow missed that sentence.

If you had said 12 why is your partner changing the goal posts ? Of course your son would melt down.

We have pre agreed screen time/bed time etc for our asd child it works well as he knows his boundaries. I'd stick to usual routines.

Your dp should be a support in your life not a critique. Is he a positive influence on your children? If not would you be better alone?

I think your partner is desperate and powerless. I understand that.
I would as a mum consider whether the children's father can take responsibility for them in future.

Why? This meltdown was essentially the fathers fault for not parenting why should he be rewarded with custody

And why should she choose a man over her own child

He can’t take responsibility for them, they have no structure while there, he leaves it all to his mum. They stay with her while he also moves in for a week while she does all the cooking, cleaning and washing for them.

You know your husband is wrong - his method will not solve the challenges of autism etc but will escalate. Where will it end ?? Genuine question - this will go downhill badly if you do as he wants. He has no idea and should not be left in charge of children with special needs. He either gets education in what to do and you work together ( and follows your lead), or he goes out the door. I feel for you son.

Brilliant advice PP.
I worry that this situation is only going to escalate..
Why OP, didn't you intervene and say 'we have agreed 12 o'clock??'
So you broke your word and then tried to keep the peace.
It seems as though you are compromised and stuck between trying to keep everyone happy.
You sound like a really lovely, caring and understanding mum.
You are going to be stuck in misery between a man old enough to know better and a child that is going into puberty and all that entails, with ASD.
Choose you, your children, your family.
If your partner can't support, sling him out. You don't need him and he will destroy your son's childhood given half a chance.

I really feel for you, OP. Your partner is putting normal average child standards of behaviour onto your child but he won't be able to comply with that standard because of his SEN and the partner needs to understand and accept that. You are stuck between a rock and a hard place and being verbally abused by both of them. Your duty lies to your son of course.
The only thing I can suggest, bar getting rid of the partner, would be to send him on a "parenting children with autism" course. There are plenty online. Perhaps, if he is open to learning then he can be a better step parent. Or he will just have to step back and let you do all the parenting and butt out of it. Or leave.

Well OP, if I had to live with that level of aggression, I’d be having meltdown most days.

my son is autistic and needs routine and honestly watching TV to wind down is not an option here, shower and book would be much more calming.

If your partner doesn’t understand how to parent a child with autism, he should butt out. It sounds as if he engineered this situation. Your ds probably needs low demand parenting. It won’t get easier with a boy soon to enter into puberty. I would be concerned that your partner may start to treat your ds as a rival.

Your partner does not understand autism. If he wants to be part of your son’s life your DP needs to take responsibility and learn about ASD and how to adjust to your son’s needs. There are good resources on the major 3rd sector websites or even Open University (used to be a course from Warwick I think)

I disagree, low demand parenting isn't always the solution. I think the big issue here is that he has no consistency between households.

Put your son's needs first.

No matter how difficult things are in any relationship, no one should ever call your child a little shit or tell you to fuck off. This man can not handle being a partner through the rough times, he needs to go. For your sake and your son's💐

Your ex isn't helping, and he helped cause this. Your son's behavior is likely going to get worse before it gets better, considering his age, but you likely know better than I do. I have a small amount of sympathy for your DH as I imagine he hit a wall of frustration. If he apologizes for what he said, maybe the 2 of you can work together to understand how to parent a growing teen boy w/ autism. I feel bad for you, OP. But, I mostly feel bad for your DD. She is the one person who's done nothing wrong but is likely suffering the most.

I think your partner should have deferred to you. Your plan of gradually easing him back into his routine, rather than a sudden change was a good one. But even if it wasn’t, you are the parent and your partner should have discussed his doubts to you privately, away from your DS.

You most likely won’t be able to change your ex’s lax style, so this has to be built in as a given.

It sounds like you need to get rid of the partner for your son’s sake. He doesn’t consider autism real.
I’d also be documenting the zero parenting your ex puts in, and all the extra work it takes you- staggered bedtimes from midnight down is exhausting, get a view from their doctor that this is needed etc and unless you can’t cope I’d start messaging/ written comms saying it takes your son a long time to recover from the zero structure at his and it isn’t fair on your son, and after you’ve got a bit of this down you then say this isn’t working for our son , he needs to spend more time with me for his health and wellbeing and cut down on contact, you have all the evidence of why if it goes to court. Parents have responsibilities not rights.

At this point in time both men in your son's life are demonstrating really poor parenting skills. Low demand parenting does work but can seem counter intuitive. If your DP can't understand it or can't follow it then it's going to be really hard for everyone. Your DP caused the meltdown here and he needs to acknowledge it. Why did he feel the need to change what you had already agreed?

Your ex is a lazy shite !
his mother is an enabler shocking !
your current partner just swore at you
your partner called your some a very unpleasant thing

I’d say for starters current partner needs to move out
id be tempted to tell ex mil to cut apron strings but I suppose how he arranges things is not your business anymore
focus on reducing sons stress is there any way the kids dad can come stay at yours for contact time ? And you leave and stay at his home it’s called cuckoo parenting that way at least the kids stay I. Their own home
can you communicate with ex reasonably ?