He wants me to go hard on my son

[Melanie1986]

Hi all, I need some advice. My children usually only see their father in the school holidays and live with me and my partner.
They got back tonight after spending a week there, we’ve had an unusually nice week after a recent rough patch, I was feeling hopeful that things had changed after not feeling particularly respected or happy for a while. I struggle with being made to feel like I can’t trust my own judgement and that’s why I’m posting I guess for honest advice.

My son who’s 11 has autism and does well having routines. He told me the week he’s been with his father he’s been left to his own devices which has been unlimited screen time and going to sleep at 4/5 am. So as you can imagine, it didn’t go down well when my partner told him to come off his things at half 11 and get in bed, I’d already agreed midnight with my son earlier on in an attempt to slowly get him back into a routine before school next week, my plan was to get him in bed an hour earlier each night. My son had a huge meltdown, woke his sister up, was screaming and banged his door shut. The only thing I can do in this situation is stay calm else it escalates. I told him calmly to get in bed, relax and told him he could watch some tv to wind down but the phone was now staying with me until tomorrow and I explained why. Things soon calmed down and son went to sleep.

My partner is now angry with me as he thinks I’m too soft on my son. He told me all I’ve done is calm the situation down until tomorrow when it all kicks off again. Yes he has a meltdown most days - I can deal with it however my partner can’t. He seems to think if I yell at my son and punish him it will stop his emotional outbursts but I know my son and it wouldn’t, it would just escalate. I’ve tried explaining this and he told me to go fuck myself and I always take my sons side. He called him a disrespectful little shit and I flipped, told him to go and sleep elsewhere. It’s not about sides but I’m getting sick of having to defend him and being told I’m being walked all over. I feel so unsupported and on my own again. Now the issue is much bigger than how it started.

I understand how hard it is for everyone to live with the meltdowns, my daughter in particular gets really upset with the commotion, I just don’t know what to do anymore. I feel I can’t win. But constantly having my partner having a go at me almost simultaneously at the same time as my son is getting too much for me, I understand the frustration but I’m not going to completely strip him of all his devices and ground him as he suggested for something he has no control over and I certainly won’t have him call my son names.

Struggling to see how to move forward if anyone has any advice please?

@SleeplessInWherever well that's exactly why I would never move a partner into my DCs home so then they're out! And the lovely stuff very, very rarely outweighs the damage done to children in these blended family situations. I've chosen to put my relationship with my DCs ahead of any romantic relationship. I chose to have my DC, so they come first. Not that I don't date and have relationships, I just don't involve my DC in those relationships.

Well I personally wouldn’t be in a relationship long term that didn’t have any commitment, and I’d see someone not wanting to take the “next step” of moving together as exactly that. I’m far too old for half relationships.

I’m sorry if you had a different experience, but my family blended perfectly fine as a child, and the one I’m in now has too. It’s not all doom and gloom!

@SleeplessInWherever really glad it worked out for you. I personally don't know a single 'blended' family that has ever worked out without drama, upset and resentment and I think this is far more common than your lovely experience.

As for the commitment of moving in, if a man isn't happy with what I can commit to then he's not the man for me. I'm far more committed to my DC than any man. My DC only have one childhood and I certainly wouldn't risk negatively affecting that for the sake of a man.

@SleeplessInWherever I may choose to live with someone in the future BTW, but certainly not when my DC are children.

Honestly, with no shade intended, that’s so crazy to me!

I’ve got step parents both sides, my sister and her partner have 5 kids split between them, and I’ve been with my own partner for 3 years. Genuinely all fine.

We’re a very heavily blended family, who clearly all also have first marriage issues 😂

@SleeplessInWherever again, I'm really glad it's worked out for you, genuinely. But my experience is the complete polar opposite.

Thanks again for all the replies, I’ve read all of them and appreciate the feedback.

I’ve been looking for properties this week so that we can move out. Things will never change as long as I stay, I’ve realised that now, he wants to overrule me consistently even when I’ve asked him to let me deal with things myself. Happy to let my partner have an input and listen to opinions obviously but I cant do this without him talking over me or forcing his opinions which I can’t deal with really. He asked me if I was autistic yesterday because he said I have the same traits as my son, he said it in a mocking way.

I’m done here, it’s going to be hard but I need to leave. Nothing ever gets better like this does it, only worse?

Well done OP.
He is a nasty bully.
Wishing you well getting out.

Yep it’s the right way forward @Melanie1986
Hard just now. Really hard but the best decision fur you agd your ds in the long run.

Have you talked to your DP yet about you moving out?.

I have mentioned it this week and he’s very blase about it because he doesn’t think I will, he won’t talk to me about it

Well in some ways Thars good.
It means he isn’t making it harder for you just now.

Id use that time when he thinks you’ll back down to do as much as you can.

Do you own the house together? Aka you’ll have to weel the house/he will have to buy you out?

No we’re just renting so least it’s more straight forward.

Yeah I guess that’s good, just not sure how he will react if he sees me to start packing my things though. But I’ll cross that when I come to it

This is great news. I bet your son will be massively relieved when you get somewhere. You are absolutely doing the right thing. I know it's really hard but that peace you will find cannot be beaten.

@Melanie1986

That's good news. Hope it all works out ok. Have you told the children?

Thank you. No I haven’t told them yet, I think it’s best to tell them once I’ve found somewhere and got a date to move. I’ve emailed about numerous properties and rang about a few but they all seem to get snapped up pretty much instantly so haven’t managed to get a look in yet for a viewing…I’m really hoping something comes up soon

So I did ask my daughter how she would feel about moving out, she said wouldn’t want it to be just us three. She doesn’t seem to like her brother at all times because of his behaviour. Seems to be just me and him against the world at times.

This is so hard and I’m even more confused now than I was before. I’ve managed to get a viewing for this week too.

@Melanie1986

he told me to go fuck myself and I always take my sons side. He called him a disrespectful little shit

And that's all I need to read to know what you need to do.

Come on OP. Surely it's obvious

Op it's normal for siblings not to get on sometimes. It's normal for children to want to keep the status quo. It's normal for children to seek validation from parent figures who go hot and cold on them. None of those are reasons for you to stay with this guy - he's abusive to you, and to your son.

Please don't put this decision on your daughter, you're the parent!

It's not your dd's responsibility to make a safe and secure and happy home for your family. Good luck with the viewing.

Maybe your DP sees things in a more unbiased way regarding your DD. I've seen many incidences of a child who grows up with a very demanding sibling and it's tough on their childhood and they often end up very resentful later in life. Does your DP recognize this and maybe that is where some of his frustration is coming from? My first thought when reading your initial post was about your DD and how she really feels and what is fair for her. Is it possible that your DP might be a salve or a respite for her? If you leave him, would she want to move in w/ him? Depending on her age, she may want to. I'm so sorry, OP...this must be so hard on you. But your son's behavior, while it's root is understandable, is still very hard on others around him.

Don't ask your children for advice. It's far too much responsibility for them.

Your partner sounds like a twat.

Yes it is very tough. I know she does feel resentful at times but in all honestly, I think a lot of it is because of things he’s said and it’s made her feel this way. He’s said things such as he’s my favourite and he gets all the attention and my dd gets none. This isnt true by the way, I make sure I spend alone time with her, take her shopping and watch films together but she’s become quite intolerant of him since he’s been saying these things and it’s changed the dynamic we used to have. I just don’t want to make her even unhappier in the process. Hoping my son’s behaviour gets better by the move and in turn my dd will feel happier too. I wouldn’t leave her with him.

Your language when talking about your daughter compared to the language you use when talking about your son is very telling. You really beed fo look at how she is treated before permanent damage is done.

she said wouldn’t want it to be just us three. She doesn’t seem to like her brother at all times because of his behaviour. Seems to be just me and him against the world at times.
You are blaming your daughter for being upset by her brothers behaviour. Then that line because your daughter is upset at your son’s behaviour is awful. She has a right to have boundaries. Your daughter needs looking after in all this.

I’m not blaming my daughter at all, I’m just very confused to why she would want to stay. When you say how she’s treated, what do you mean? She’s treated very well by all of us.

Of course she will be irritated by her brothers meltdowns but I’m hoping they will improve once I move out as don’t see how him being compared unfavourably to the others because of his needs and being harsher on him when he’s already struggling so much is helping him at all, of course I’m going to be protective over him.

I don't think anyone has the moral high ground here.

Your ex has failed miserably to parent him over his week, at least if you take DS's word for it.

You're continuing to support bad habits, midnight is a ridiculous time for an 11 yo and he shouldn't be regularly using a phone anyway. The devices need to go, especially if they are causing meltdowns in the middle of the night.

Your partner shouldn't be using abusive language but no wonder he's finding it annoying that the kids are up and watching TV at midnight and you're OK with that.