He wants me to go hard on my son

[Melanie1986]

Hi all, I need some advice. My children usually only see their father in the school holidays and live with me and my partner.
They got back tonight after spending a week there, we’ve had an unusually nice week after a recent rough patch, I was feeling hopeful that things had changed after not feeling particularly respected or happy for a while. I struggle with being made to feel like I can’t trust my own judgement and that’s why I’m posting I guess for honest advice.

My son who’s 11 has autism and does well having routines. He told me the week he’s been with his father he’s been left to his own devices which has been unlimited screen time and going to sleep at 4/5 am. So as you can imagine, it didn’t go down well when my partner told him to come off his things at half 11 and get in bed, I’d already agreed midnight with my son earlier on in an attempt to slowly get him back into a routine before school next week, my plan was to get him in bed an hour earlier each night. My son had a huge meltdown, woke his sister up, was screaming and banged his door shut. The only thing I can do in this situation is stay calm else it escalates. I told him calmly to get in bed, relax and told him he could watch some tv to wind down but the phone was now staying with me until tomorrow and I explained why. Things soon calmed down and son went to sleep.

My partner is now angry with me as he thinks I’m too soft on my son. He told me all I’ve done is calm the situation down until tomorrow when it all kicks off again. Yes he has a meltdown most days - I can deal with it however my partner can’t. He seems to think if I yell at my son and punish him it will stop his emotional outbursts but I know my son and it wouldn’t, it would just escalate. I’ve tried explaining this and he told me to go fuck myself and I always take my sons side. He called him a disrespectful little shit and I flipped, told him to go and sleep elsewhere. It’s not about sides but I’m getting sick of having to defend him and being told I’m being walked all over. I feel so unsupported and on my own again. Now the issue is much bigger than how it started.

I understand how hard it is for everyone to live with the meltdowns, my daughter in particular gets really upset with the commotion, I just don’t know what to do anymore. I feel I can’t win. But constantly having my partner having a go at me almost simultaneously at the same time as my son is getting too much for me, I understand the frustration but I’m not going to completely strip him of all his devices and ground him as he suggested for something he has no control over and I certainly won’t have him call my son names.

Struggling to see how to move forward if anyone has any advice please?

Transitions are hard for everyone. I'd leave everyone to settle for a week or two before even thinking about doing anything drastic

Your daughter likely does not 'love' the man but is trying to appease the angry unrelated male she's made to live with.

Your kids need to come before this boyfriend, get him away from them and date him if you feel you have to. The entire point of him is to bring peace, enhance your life, and make it easier and fun, so he has failed.

This is why we don’t no demand parent my DSs.

We’re (ideally) trying to grow his independence, and that can’t involve teaching him he’s always right, or that nobody will ever say no.

When he’s older and is hopefully more able to live independently or more exposed to “the real world,” the world isn’t always going to say yes.

The father is at fault as he completely ruins his routine, why would he allow him to stay awake till 4-5am that's ridiculous and you need to put your foot down on future visits if this continues. You either need to cut short your son's stays or stop him from staying over. Your partner needs to be more understanding and if he can't then be needs to back off and let you deal with it. No excuses from your partner being verbally abusive to your son.

The daughter is learning from a young age how to appease abusive men. She has already learned it, if she is showing how much she “adores” him.

OP you need to leave a man who tells you to “go fuck yourself” and calls your child with SEN “little shit”.
I would also be doing a solicitors letter to the father explaining the impact of the lack of routine and that it’s negligent to allow your son to stay up till 4am and he will not be getting any contact with them for the forseeable unless he agrees in writing to follow the current routines.

@Melanie1986 - If it is indeed true that, in addition to what you have written in this thread, your partner is a habitual drunk who...

... punched walls, threats, I’ve been spat at, pushed, threatened, called a skank, retard...

What steps have you been/are you taking to extricate yourself and your children from this intolerable and abusive environment?

If you have not already done so, please at the very least talk to Women's Aid.

I've seen your other threads about your partner.
Your life, and that of your children, would be calmer without this person in your lives.
The fact that your daughter 'loves' him is a worrying sign for her future too, if she thinks he is an example of a decent man.

I’m going to disagree with the majority here.

If you’ve got two adults in the home involved with the parenting, then you need to have a consistent plan agreed between you.

It sounds like you came up with the midnight plan, rather than discussing and agreeing it with the other person involved. Despite it having implications for everyone.

I also feel its ok for adults to be able to express their feelings to another adult about a child’s behaviour - so describing his behaviour to you as a little shit isn’t the cardinal offence to me others seem to think it is. Saying it to him not ok, but to you - sounds like a fairly accurate reflection of the behaviour at the time.

Melt downs most days aren’t great for anyone to live with, it sounds like some things need to change for everyone. Starting with the two adults in the home finding a middle ground for parenting approaches. People with ASD can be taught consequences.

Oh FFS 😣

Ask him to leave YOUR house. What does he bring to your relationship.?

I think you would benefit from professional input and advice as a family. Altho maybe you shouldn't have to drag him to see a professional, he should listen to you...

The name calling is bad, if this has happened more than once I'd think about getting rid...

Apart from the things that your partner said to you, I do think that you both need more input on how to manage your child's autism now that he's hit puberty. You say yourself that things are getting harder, and I worry for your daughter as she finds the meltdowns upsetting.

If you both hear the same information and are given the same behaviour plan by a professional, the changes of you working together are much improved.

I'm a retired career long teacher of autistic children in specialist schools, and where there were problems between couples or issues with wider family over behaviour strategies, my advice was always the same. Take along those partners or family members with you to the meetings or the autism organisation talks so that you're hearing the same information and guidance at the same time, from the same professional.

Thank you for this, my son is 6 and diagnosed autistic, awaiting an ADHD assessment. He is the sweetest boy but when in a meltdown is unbelievably hard to manage. I’ll try ignoring the tantrums and focusing on positive reinforcement. The diagnosis is fairly recent, any resources or sites on how to parent ASD kids would be so appreciated if you have any that come to mind?

Another day, another thread about a partner mistreating children that aren't theirs biologically. When will women learn?

Dad and step dad both sound awful in different ways. I’d split from step dad and focus on making a calm environment at home on your own terms.

You now need to be on your own Melanie with your kids. End of.

Your own chaotic childhood led you to having poor boundaries which in turn these abusive men have exploited for their own ends.

Both remain abusive towards you and your son now is getting the brunt of it. Make no mistake, his sister will also suffer as a result too from being around these men.

You have a choice re this current man, they do not. Make better choices for both you and they going forward before you lose the relationship with both your kids completely. If this situation remains unchanged it is unlikely that you will have a relationship with your son as an adult because he will feel you have let him down by putting men before him. You certainly need therapy re your childhood and the Freedom Programme.

You could ask you LA if they offer Triple P Stepping Stones - it’s a bit wanky but if you have good facilitators (I did) there are lots of techniques.

Did you miss the part about him going to sleep at 4 or 5 am all that week at his dads/grandma’s place?
The midnight bedtime was for last night only, then tonight was going to be 11pm, the next next 10pm, until his bedtime was back to his normal school night time.
OP’s partner walked in and caused a meltdown over half an hour’s difference, trampling all over the plan OP and her son had already agreed on just because he expected to be obeyed just because he said so.

You need to put your children first. That means removing this man from their lives.

Just a thought. My two children have phones where it has a natural cut off (you can choose the time). Meaning you could set the times and control it from your phone.
What it does is, removed the confrontation of physically removing the phone.

You are doing exactly what's needed for autistic meltdowns. I do understand how difficult it is for your partner to live with that. It's very frustrating

Your partner wants you to be aggressive with your son? Is that what he wants ? If so get rid, parenting an autistic teen has to be a collaborative endeavour with the child. Building your relationship with trust and understanding with the child, they are not the enemy to be defeated.