He wants me to go hard on my son

[Melanie1986]

Hi all, I need some advice. My children usually only see their father in the school holidays and live with me and my partner.
They got back tonight after spending a week there, we’ve had an unusually nice week after a recent rough patch, I was feeling hopeful that things had changed after not feeling particularly respected or happy for a while. I struggle with being made to feel like I can’t trust my own judgement and that’s why I’m posting I guess for honest advice.

My son who’s 11 has autism and does well having routines. He told me the week he’s been with his father he’s been left to his own devices which has been unlimited screen time and going to sleep at 4/5 am. So as you can imagine, it didn’t go down well when my partner told him to come off his things at half 11 and get in bed, I’d already agreed midnight with my son earlier on in an attempt to slowly get him back into a routine before school next week, my plan was to get him in bed an hour earlier each night. My son had a huge meltdown, woke his sister up, was screaming and banged his door shut. The only thing I can do in this situation is stay calm else it escalates. I told him calmly to get in bed, relax and told him he could watch some tv to wind down but the phone was now staying with me until tomorrow and I explained why. Things soon calmed down and son went to sleep.

My partner is now angry with me as he thinks I’m too soft on my son. He told me all I’ve done is calm the situation down until tomorrow when it all kicks off again. Yes he has a meltdown most days - I can deal with it however my partner can’t. He seems to think if I yell at my son and punish him it will stop his emotional outbursts but I know my son and it wouldn’t, it would just escalate. I’ve tried explaining this and he told me to go fuck myself and I always take my sons side. He called him a disrespectful little shit and I flipped, told him to go and sleep elsewhere. It’s not about sides but I’m getting sick of having to defend him and being told I’m being walked all over. I feel so unsupported and on my own again. Now the issue is much bigger than how it started.

I understand how hard it is for everyone to live with the meltdowns, my daughter in particular gets really upset with the commotion, I just don’t know what to do anymore. I feel I can’t win. But constantly having my partner having a go at me almost simultaneously at the same time as my son is getting too much for me, I understand the frustration but I’m not going to completely strip him of all his devices and ground him as he suggested for something he has no control over and I certainly won’t have him call my son names.

Struggling to see how to move forward if anyone has any advice please?

Hmm. Sending the thread off in a slightly different direction .....

I disagree with many. I actually believe that some/most non NT, SN, ASD and ADHD children often need even tougher parenting, tighter guidelines than non NT dc.

Actually, sadly, The harsh reality is that the world is tough out there and there won't be any pandering or very little allowances from the RL world for anything non NT.

Men often parent sn children more harshly. But sometimes this is needed because women want the world to make allowances for our dc, but sadly the fact is that often the world doesn't, and doesn't need to, because it has the choice of others.

I see it a bit differently. In schools etc we try to support any sn dc. But in reality the world takes the easy option. Competition of fierce. After uni, graduates for graduate programmes. The employer had the choice of 100's of applicants. Why are they going to take a NT SN child, when they already have the choice of top applicants.

We need to take care of SN dc. But we also need to forewarn them how harsh the world is. Allowances won't be made for many of them, by employers or the world generally, and they need to be prepared for that.

I feel for your partner feeling so powerless.

And I also feel for your other dc, (is it a dd?) who have to live with ds's meltdowns. (Ds obviously need help and support, to reduce his meltdowns). The focus is always on the SN child? But, What about the other dc too? Living with an older sn sibling isn't easy.

Saying all that, My Dh is tougher on our ds's than I am and we have disagreed on many things. So I haven't always practiced what I preach, and have failed in many areas of my parenting!

This thread is an object lesson in what happens when a poster leaves out key information or is disingenuous about/obfuscates the true situation.

@Melanie1986

You are in a dreadful situation which you have purposely not disclosed here but in doing so you’ve had completely irrelevant answers.

Remember your other thread and the good advice. You are storing up a lifetime of trauma for your children by staying with that man.

I'm going to be generous about your partner because it can't be easy to step-parent an autistic child.
You need to be on the same page with plans, clearly your DS does not react well to rules changing, so try to agree the rules beforehand.
The way you describe it, it sounds like you told your DP that you had already agreed with your DS midnight, at the moment he tried to stop him playing at 23.30. Upshot is that a meltdown ensued because of half an hour difference- which is a big deal to your DS, but isn't really worth the adults here arguing over.
Aim for better communication, you both need to talk and agree a plan beforehand. Discuss with your DP when it's time your DS went to bed and don't tell your DS until you are all in agreement. Here's where you could be a bit more flexible, although you had your plan of 12, it wouldn't really be a big deal to change it to 11.30 if that was what DP wanted.
Avoid telling your DS any plans until you have discussed it, so tonight, maybe agree on 11, that's the plan, then tell your DS. If your DP is then jumping in at 10.30, you have a DP issue and he's deliberately causing strife.

@Melanie1986

See? This is an example.

If you’d talked about being pushed, spat at and sworn and shouted at by a drunk abuser you’d get very different answers.

@Merryoldgoat If that's the truth of it. I'll not waste my breath. In fact, I think I'm done with this whole site, there's that much fakery going on. More to life ....

I don't know a single parent with a disabed/SN child who doesn't think and worry and work on this. It's a process and a child needs to be regulated and doing OK first before you can teach the techniques and expand their independence. We work at it endlessly, working at that right now is pointless for the OP. There is flux and periods that are better and worse and you work on things at the right time.

As for this I think you need to spend more time with your child and condition him to behave or mimic the behaviour expected of people, if only for his life not to be totally miserable in the future. you can fuck off with the ableist bullshit. No one should be conditing their child to behave, no one should be forcing an Autistic child to mimic. It's not necessary and it's not right. My kids will probably be slower to get there but they will with my support. They don't expect the world to bow to them or accommodate them, they're well aware the world if full of people who think like you. They won't be forced to be different people, we know better than that now, or we should. There are ways to support a child with SN to grow and reach independence that don't include conditioning and force. I know lots of successful Autistic adults and none of them were conditioned or forced to be someone else.

@EliflurtleAndTheInfiniteMadness

Right? The idea we’re merrily parenting not constantly in a state of anxiety of our children being without us.

I’ve been thinking about it @Hwi - it’s best we stay in our own lanes - you don’t give out advice on parenting children with ASD and we won’t give you advice on how not to be a raging idiot (even though you need it).

Wouldn't life be so much easier if you didn't live with your partner, then you could discipline your DC exactly how you want without some good for nothing, bossy, bullying fucking MAN standing around telling you what to do.

Hi, it would yes.

Thanks so much for the replies.

Regarding my previous post, the snippet on here was put on out of context, something that I posted recently but referenced a time a while back when he did drink, he doesn’t anymore, although not great I know and still not perfect. Although the kids weren’t witness to that. Not trying to give anyone incorrect information, my relationship isn’t new, we’ve been together a long time and I may have done things differently if I could turn back the clock. Trying my best to now do the right thing moving forward.

Lots to think about, thanks again.

@Melanie1986

My final post here. My mother brought a grumpy shouty man into my life when I was 2.

I am 46 and still angry about it. Not in a blood boiling way but angry at her disregard for our safety and wellbeing.

You are in denial if you think your children don’t see what you are enduring and what they are being subjected to.

"we’ve had an unusually nice week "

If nice weeks are unusual, why are you still with this person?

"not feeling particularly respected or happy for a while"
Why are you still with this person?

"being made to feel like I can’t trust my own judgement"
Why are you still with this person?

"He seems to think if I yell at my son and punish him it will stop his emotional outbursts"
Why are you still with this person?

"he told me to go fuck myself"
Why are you still with this person?

" He called him a disrespectful little shit"
Why are you....you get the gist.

Sorry didn't mean to quote the lot. Did you have an usually nice week with your partner because he was in a good mood because the inconvenient "little shits" as he calls them were elsewhere and he had you all to himself and he was getting his own way?

"He seems to think if I yell at my son and punish him it will stop his emotional outbursts" "

Even if you didn't live with an autistic child, you would have to have been living under a rock for the past 20 years; incredibly monumentally stupid; or wilfully ignorant not to have some rudimentary understanding of what autism is and how to approach management.

@Melanie1986

I’ve been spat at, pushed, threatened, called a skank, retard etc. Used my past against me when I’ve told him what I went though growing up. I did try to leave when the police were called but I went back because I felt I had no choice

OP it's never the right thing to stay with a man with a history of this behaviour towards you. Especially if you have children, let alone ones who may be more vulnerable that others.

Please believe that you deserve more than this. Your children absolutely do, too.

"something that I posted recently but referenced a time a while back when he did drink, he doesn’t anymore"

Yay! Now he's a sober vicious abusive nasty bullying bastard instead of a drunk vicious abusive nasty bullying bastard. I sure your children are going to enjoy the rest of their childhoods.

@Merryoldgoat

Mumsnet & Twitter/X have changed my view of men in recent years. So many stories of controlling & abusive & just generally not nice men. It makes me realise how nice the men in my life are.

@Melanie1986
You also posted about how DP keeps you awake half the night snoring & has restless legs but won’t allow you to sleep elsewhere (no idea why). You sound exhausted from lack of sleep, yet he doesn't care. That alone would be a deal breaker.

I don't believe you want to separate. But your children would be better off without him there.

@Melanie1986

Yesterday I was chatting about family and Christmas plans and he seemed irritated and told me to ‘stop going on’. I should have noticed I wasn’t getting any kind of input back and stopped talking.

He also doesn't want to listen to you chatting to him. You have posted quite a few things which make him sound unpleasant tbh

Well....he told you to go fuck yourself and called your son a little shit - there isn't really a way back from that is there?

He’d have been out of my life the second he called my dc a ‘little shit.’

I would have handled this differently OP. If his routine at home is that phone goes off at 9 then I would have gone straight back to that - for an autistic child you're muddying the waters by changing the time everyday until you get to the 'right' time IMO. As your OH said he's now probably going to kick off every day that you change it - so why not just keep your normal time. That is his routine at your house, what he does at dads is irrelevant - he needs to know where he is when he's at yours.

All that said your OH sounds horrible and calling your son a little shit is completely unacceptable. You cannot punish the autism out of your son and he is wrong to think that that is the answer. You all deserve much better than this, why do you feel you have no choice but to stay with him?

You have been let down by your ex and by your current partner.

• Your ex is the one to blame for not sticking to a routine and confusing your poor son
• Your husband should not be swearing at you or at your son.

Frankly I would get rid of your current partner who has no understanding of and patience for autism and I would have a serious talk with your ex about the serious issues is lazy parenting has created.

Two useless men...I feel for you and your son OP.

Neither of the adult males are helpful in this situation except that you get a break as the kids are away and I assume you share costs with current living partner. However their behaviours mean the effect on the environment for your DS is detrimental.

I have known two women with children who are diagnosed with autism. Both had very different approaches. One insisted on what some would perceive as quite strong rules negotiated and did push her children out of their comfort zones. The other would do anything for a quiet life. I would say the first Mum had a harder time at the time but now they are all young adults I would say the life chances of the children of quite strict Mum are better. These were children with similar levels of difficulty.

They both remained single.

If you’re not willing to have other adults who you live with involved with the parenting - then they either have absolutely nothing to do with it and your children have no impact on them, or you involve them.

And given I’ve referred to my own child as behaving like a little so and so, and other peoples. Yes, I’m fine with that.

@ScaryM0nster I go with option 2 every single time. No man is going to come into my life and start pretending to be a parent and telling my son what to do. My relationship with my DC is more important than any romantic relationship I would ever have, and I absolutely wouldn't risk that relationship by allowing a man to involve himself in my parenting. If more people held this view, there would be far less children growing up to resent their parents and 'step' parents.

And I feel sorry for your DC if you'd happily stand by and have someone call them little shits.

Typo... Option 1 of your two obviously

That’s not possible.

Living with a disregulated child, for whatever reason, impacts everyone. You cannot expect anyone to have the early starts, the escalation, without any other involvement. They’re either in or they’re out. There’s also a lot of lovely stuff that everyone would miss out on.

The only way for me personally to avoid any involvement with my ASC DSs would to be physically not here, and on behalf of our family - no thank you.