He wants me to go hard on my son

[Melanie1986]

Hi all, I need some advice. My children usually only see their father in the school holidays and live with me and my partner.
They got back tonight after spending a week there, we’ve had an unusually nice week after a recent rough patch, I was feeling hopeful that things had changed after not feeling particularly respected or happy for a while. I struggle with being made to feel like I can’t trust my own judgement and that’s why I’m posting I guess for honest advice.

My son who’s 11 has autism and does well having routines. He told me the week he’s been with his father he’s been left to his own devices which has been unlimited screen time and going to sleep at 4/5 am. So as you can imagine, it didn’t go down well when my partner told him to come off his things at half 11 and get in bed, I’d already agreed midnight with my son earlier on in an attempt to slowly get him back into a routine before school next week, my plan was to get him in bed an hour earlier each night. My son had a huge meltdown, woke his sister up, was screaming and banged his door shut. The only thing I can do in this situation is stay calm else it escalates. I told him calmly to get in bed, relax and told him he could watch some tv to wind down but the phone was now staying with me until tomorrow and I explained why. Things soon calmed down and son went to sleep.

My partner is now angry with me as he thinks I’m too soft on my son. He told me all I’ve done is calm the situation down until tomorrow when it all kicks off again. Yes he has a meltdown most days - I can deal with it however my partner can’t. He seems to think if I yell at my son and punish him it will stop his emotional outbursts but I know my son and it wouldn’t, it would just escalate. I’ve tried explaining this and he told me to go fuck myself and I always take my sons side. He called him a disrespectful little shit and I flipped, told him to go and sleep elsewhere. It’s not about sides but I’m getting sick of having to defend him and being told I’m being walked all over. I feel so unsupported and on my own again. Now the issue is much bigger than how it started.

I understand how hard it is for everyone to live with the meltdowns, my daughter in particular gets really upset with the commotion, I just don’t know what to do anymore. I feel I can’t win. But constantly having my partner having a go at me almost simultaneously at the same time as my son is getting too much for me, I understand the frustration but I’m not going to completely strip him of all his devices and ground him as he suggested for something he has no control over and I certainly won’t have him call my son names.

Struggling to see how to move forward if anyone has any advice please?

Not a habit…we’re back to 9.30 pm, their usual bedtime now thankfully, got there in the end.

Can you please quote me on where I said I’m ok with them watching tv at midnight?

You made an agreement with your partner that devices were going off at 11:30 and then relented and let him stay up watching TV.

I'm glad they are back in a decent routine and I hope your partner sees the work you've put in to achieve that.

It was midnight I agreed to then my partner changed it to 11.30, but I totally agree that’s too late.

Thank you

@Melanie1986 I totally understand what you meant by whittling down his TV time over a period of days/a week. With kids like your son, you cannot just take EVERYTHING away in one go. You have to do it gradually. It takes time. And effort on your part and it's exhausting.

My friend was in a position similar to yours. When her son was that age, her partner was escalating meltdowns instead of calming things down. By 13 the two were in a knife fight!! Escalated by the partner. She finally left and her son has been a lot calmer since. He is 19 now and doing fairly well. Your partner will never understand you son.

With regards to your DD. How old is she? Apologies if you said and I missed it. Depending on her age, you could maybe explain that you really think her brother will have less meltdowns if he is not under the same roof as your partner. Right now she feels she has an ally in your partner, but if she can be made to understand (age appropriately) that having the partner as an ally, is actually causing her more harm due to him escalating melt downs, etc. I don't know?

Your situation is incredibly tough. I don't envy you, but I do think you need to leave. Staying will harm DS AND DD more in the long run.

@Melanie1986 your daughter had been brainwashed and manipulated by your partner.

I hate the sound of him of him if im honest .
Get you and your kids out this situation and away from this man. Parent your way and never have a man in their home again .

Thank you for your reply. Oh wow, thats awful. In all honesty, I can’t ever see my partner being understanding and giving him the support he needs. With my son being very forthright and saying what he thinks and my partners short fuse, I can see it blowing up as he grows up. That sounds terrifying.

My daughter is 14, I will definitely have another chat with her. Viewing is on Monday. I know my son will be happy to move, going to be harder to get my dd on side but I do need to remember I’m the parent and I need to take charge with this and do what’s right for us all x

I think you might be right, she has told me that he’s only joking when he’s saying things to her brother and if I wasn’t so sad and tried to get on with my partner more then we would all be happier (this is when I stand firm on a decision I’ve made that he tries to change). She hasn’t called me mum in 3 years because he told her it was babyish. I’m starting to see what’s happened here, I’m at the point where I doubt myself and my parenting decisions every day because there’s always a conflict whatever I say or do.

You need to stop letting everyone else have an opinion on your decisions.
Make a decision and stick to it.

It's obvious what you need to do. The issues your daughter raises will resolve once you get a ha dle on your son after you move out.

She hasn’t called me mum in 3 years because he told her it was babyish.

Huh? Mummy, or Mum? What does she call you?

Well she was just starting to call me mum at that point from mummy. My son called me mummy, he said why are you calling her mummy, are you a baby? Apparently half jokingly. I said they can call me mummy for however long they like until they feel ready to change to mum, no time limit on anything. Neither of them call me anything since then. It’s just ‘can I get a drink please’ etc. I’ve never been called mum/mummy once since that day

Oh that is horrible .
He is in the middle of your family trying to be no1. They are horrible manipulators. .lp
I would read up on dealing with a narcassist it will make you understand what’s going on even more.

You really need to end this . Yes there may be some mood ans back last from your Dd but slowly you will get her back.
Could you afford Counseling for her /family?

You do realise that him mocking your daughter and what she calls you is emotional abuse?

It has landed because she doesn't call you mummy for the past 3 years.

How can you not have realised how utterly toxic that is?

Stop discussing with your daughter your plans.

Make the decision to leave this toxic environment and parent your children.

Involving them in this decision is adultrification which is hugely damaging.

They have been damaged enough.

Take the rental house and TELL them this is happening.

He has conditioned her to believe women shut up and put up.....that is what she is clearly telling you to do.

Toxic. Toxic for her future choices in relationships.

I couldn’t have put it better myself. You’re allowing a man and even your children to dictate your life to you and make decisions that you should be taking. Not them. Please stand up for your children and for yourself and get out of this situation. Then when you’re free of him, maybe you’ll feel more yourself and can ask your kids to call you mum again.

I can help you here. It is a totally appallingly poor parenting decision to stay with this man.

It does read like you are blaming your daughter when you say it feels that its you and your son against the world. That just makes it sound like your son is your priority and you two are not really a family with your daughter. You seem to want her to just fall in to line and put up with your son's behaviour without complaint.

She's not treated very well though, is she? Her brother woke her having a meltdown, he has meltdowns almost every day. She has to live with him, almost everyday, shouting, smashing things, slaming things etc. She's essentially being abused but you minimise this by talking of her being irritated. Have you considered she's a lot more than that? That she's scared, alone, miserable, worried you or her will get physically hurt?

How about you be protective over both your kids equally?

Hmm sorry I disagree. I don’t want her to be compliant, I want my sons behaviour to improve then we will all be happier. The part where I said me and my son against the world just means that no one else in the house seems to bother with him except me.

We all live with it, he doesn’t smash things. It isn’t ok but it’s a neurological condition, it isn’t something he can control. And not minimising by saying she’s irritated, I think I’m acknowledging how she’s feeling and I understand why she feels that way. Wouldn’t it be minimising to say she’ll be fine, she just needs to get on with it? I definitely understand that it gets her down though.

Im very much equally protective. My partner, dd and stepson get on very well together which is why I wanted to know her feelings on things. It’s hard to explain the dynamic.