He wants me to go hard on my son

[Melanie1986]

Hi all, I need some advice. My children usually only see their father in the school holidays and live with me and my partner.
They got back tonight after spending a week there, we’ve had an unusually nice week after a recent rough patch, I was feeling hopeful that things had changed after not feeling particularly respected or happy for a while. I struggle with being made to feel like I can’t trust my own judgement and that’s why I’m posting I guess for honest advice.

My son who’s 11 has autism and does well having routines. He told me the week he’s been with his father he’s been left to his own devices which has been unlimited screen time and going to sleep at 4/5 am. So as you can imagine, it didn’t go down well when my partner told him to come off his things at half 11 and get in bed, I’d already agreed midnight with my son earlier on in an attempt to slowly get him back into a routine before school next week, my plan was to get him in bed an hour earlier each night. My son had a huge meltdown, woke his sister up, was screaming and banged his door shut. The only thing I can do in this situation is stay calm else it escalates. I told him calmly to get in bed, relax and told him he could watch some tv to wind down but the phone was now staying with me until tomorrow and I explained why. Things soon calmed down and son went to sleep.

My partner is now angry with me as he thinks I’m too soft on my son. He told me all I’ve done is calm the situation down until tomorrow when it all kicks off again. Yes he has a meltdown most days - I can deal with it however my partner can’t. He seems to think if I yell at my son and punish him it will stop his emotional outbursts but I know my son and it wouldn’t, it would just escalate. I’ve tried explaining this and he told me to go fuck myself and I always take my sons side. He called him a disrespectful little shit and I flipped, told him to go and sleep elsewhere. It’s not about sides but I’m getting sick of having to defend him and being told I’m being walked all over. I feel so unsupported and on my own again. Now the issue is much bigger than how it started.

I understand how hard it is for everyone to live with the meltdowns, my daughter in particular gets really upset with the commotion, I just don’t know what to do anymore. I feel I can’t win. But constantly having my partner having a go at me almost simultaneously at the same time as my son is getting too much for me, I understand the frustration but I’m not going to completely strip him of all his devices and ground him as he suggested for something he has no control over and I certainly won’t have him call my son names.

Struggling to see how to move forward if anyone has any advice please?

From what I understand, ASD children respond better to rewards than punishments. In the sense of you do this and then you get the thing you want. Putting black marks on a behaviour chart doesn't work. Transitions are a difficult point for them. Maybe you have a countdown timer or something that he agrees to or picks. There are lots online. ASD children have a very inflexible and unyielding views about what is right and it really demands consistency from parents and following "the rules". You’d already agreed midnight with your son but you allowed your partner to change the deal and didn't say a word. I am not at all surprised that this led to a meltdown because you broke the deal. I'd feel aggrieved and I'm not even on the spectrum.

In a calm moment can you sit down with your son and discuss the screaming. It's not that ASD people don't have feelings, their difficulty is working out what other people's feelings are about things. Tell him how it upsets his little sister. Can there be a special treat if he goes two days without a meltdown? Ignore anything your partner says about rewarding bad behaviour.

One of my ASD children used to have dreadful tantrums. My husband used to try to jolly him out of it. We had escalated to one a night before I lowered the boom on the pair of them. We just left him to it. He was simply ignored and other people avoided them. It reduced the tantrums remarkably because it's quite hard work yelling and thrashing about on the floor if nobody is paying you any attention or is there to see it. (Next year he will qualify as a doctor and he actually takes me out to lunch.)

Also try to find something to praise your son about. Yes, I know it's hard and I was once reduced to saying they were very good at finding the shortest fastest supermarket queue. They were strangely proud of it in a way that all the academic accolades didn't really affect them. ASD children get quite a lot of negative reinforcement about their behaviour..

How is he doing at school? Children can get stressed if they fall behind or they don't understand the lessons. It can be a bit of a nightmare. One of my children struggled academically and he needed a lot of extra tutoring from us and from professionals to get through. He preferred the extra tutoring to falling behind and struggling in class.

I always love the stories from parents of neurotypical children that they wouldn't put up with food fussiness - they just don't understand a non-neurotypical child would rather go to bed hungry or will wait you out. One of my children ate about 4 things as a toddler. We didn't push and he became a quite wide ranging vegetarian as an adult. I don't think going hard would have helped. I personally can't even look at silver beet without wincing given my father nearly tried to force-feed me a forkful of this overboiled green slime. Pick your battles if food is an issue.

Your partner seems a bit of an ass. One of my children had ASD and ADHD and my husband who can understand ASD was initially quite unhelpful about the ADHD. He kept telling him to sit up straight before I ended up yelling, "Sitting up straight won't fix the ADHD you know". I considered all sorts of things and approaches. Nowhere did I see the suggestion that ASD children benefited from "going hard". Yes, you can discipline and punish certain behaviour and you should but being tough (and inconsistent with them) will not make them snap out of autism. Perhaps you could both read some stuff about parenting ASD children.

Had you already told him about the midnight bedtime agreement (which is ridiculous, by the way). You just undermined him in front of your DS, by overriding his 11. 30 bedtime and no tech rule.

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Why does your 11 y/o have a phone until 11:30pm in the first place or at all? Your partner wasn't reasonable but you are making it worse for an autistic child with screens until that late at night.

OP, I think calm and consistent enforcement of the rules works much better than a parent getting all emotional and who yells at a child who is having a tantrum or meltdown. It just escalates the situation and leaves all the children frightened. Your way sounds best.

I am a little shocked at your partner's response to all this. Did he seriously tell you to "fuck off"? Him claiming that you "side with your son" sounds very immature of him. Seriously, is your partner a 13-year-old in the body of the a grown man? If so, yuck!

Regardless of who is right, the way your partner speaks to you and of your son is disgraceful. I'd get rid of him for that alone.

Every child is different. My autistic DD relaxes watching certain favourite films. It allows her body to relax and distracts her mind from overthinking.

Op knows her own child and what works for them.

Obviously I agree about the level.of aggression, the whole household will be in fight/flight mode.

A man would only tell me to 'go fuck myself' once. 😡

But if you are determined to keep this relationship up, you need to tell your man to move out and live separately for the next few years.

This situation is only going to escalate as your partner increasingly sees your son as an adult male and a challenge to his authority. I'm sorry but I think it's time for you to choose who is more important to you.

Let me guess - you didn't discuss your plan for moving ds's bedtime forward gradually with your partner, because he'd have reacted badly/told you it was ridiculous and your son should get back to normal straight away?

That's irrelevant anyway. A man who told me to go fuck myself would no longer be welcome in my home. Relationship would be over for me.

You and your partner need to sit down and chat and be on the same page. Communication is key, if you set a time, let your partner know and vice versa before speaking to your child. Getting help with your child's meltdowns maybe good for you both.

Oh please

That is what helps your son wind down. You can't say that the same thing will help another autistic child wind down. I'm surprised as a parent of an autistic child you don't know that.

Yes he has a meltdown most days - I can deal with it however my partner can’t.

I’ve tried explaining this and he told me to go fuck myself and I always take my sons side. He called him a disrespectful little shit

The relationship needs to end.

This man doesn’t care about your son. This man doesn’t care about you.

Whats the situation with the house? Who owns it? Or are you renting?

It is not unusual for men in the step father role and male children to jostle for position in the teen years even if they have been part of the family for years. The autism and lazy arse DH is a complication but doesn't detract from the fact your partner is disrespectful to you and the children.

Until they are 18 you have an obligation and responsibility to provide your children with a calm and peaceful home, they have limited choices on where they can live.

Your partner on the other hand can live anywhere.

As a different issue it's worth looking into Young Carers for your DD so she can get some respite and have some time with other children whose lives are impacted by family disability and illness.

His routine should be written down. Changes should be discussed and made ahead of time. Maybe have a whiteboard on the wall so everyday you all know what’s happening. You sound like you’re being attacked from all sides, that must be very hard.

I’d have done the exact same thing with my ASD DS if my ex had been such a numb skull. It’s a technique that works when switching ASD DC from later nights during the holidays to getting back into a routine for school.

You agreed a time with DS, he would have gone to bed at midnight. Your partner triggered the meltdown by trying to enforce an earlier time that wasn’t agreed. Our ASD DC do not adapt to change very well at all. You’re teaching him to regulate himself which will help him in later years. This is good parenting.

Given that your partner then doubled down on you and him you did the right thing throwing him out. Your partner is not going to change his views about how to treat DS which is going to make an awful home environment. You can’t do anything about your exDHs parenting but you can remove your partner from the situation.

Is this the first time your partner has done something like this or is there a pattern?

Struggling to see how to move forward if anyone has any advice please?

Are you really struggling to see how to move forward? Is it not blindingly obvious that you need to break up with your partner? Because it is to most of us.

What? Why would she do that?!

Leave.
He thinks you can bully the autism out if a child. He is not a suitable parent and this will only get worse as your son gets older and more teenagey

If your son is autistic, I'm sure you've heard the excellent saying, "If you've met one person with autism... you've met one person with autism."

Surely the partner undermined her by changing the bedtime to an earlier time?!

Which was obviously going to set the child off.

Can't believe you were ok with letting an 11yr old stay up til midnight and thought half 11 was being hard on him.
You sound really weak! Kids that age still need plenty of sleep, eg 9.30/10.00 to bed at the latest!

Why OP, didn't you intervene and say 'we have agreed 12 o'clock??'
So you broke your word and then tried to keep the peace.
My middle DS is Autistic and you have to stick to the things you say, he's very black and white and massive reaction if people go back on what they said. If you feel unable to do the right thing for your son in this situation and reinforce the fact to your partner that he has till 12 then something is wrong in your relationship with your partner. It may be that you're trying to placate him, or that you're worried about his reaction, whatever it is is messing with your ability to parent your autistic child the way you need to. Also having someone else in their space can be a lot for them to cope with. My DS is 10 and he's recently gotten less able to deal with other people and more reactive, your DS behaviour is telling you there is something wrong. Your partner stressed him after he'd already had a week that would have over loaded him. Your partner either doesn't understand or doesn't want to understand, either way it's not good enough.

My XH also tends to stress my DS out. I have to do less when he's with me to help him regulate again. Obviously I don't know your DS or how autism effects him specifically, for my DS there's no way he could cope with having someone else in our home. Autism of any form means that in some way the world is harder for your child. It also means he has a reduced ability to cope. Having someone living in your home who doesn't understand your DS and can't behave in a way that reduces stresses on him isn't good for your child. Home needs to be a safe place where he can recover from being out in the world, where he can rest and regain some ability to cope with whatever about life is hard for him. That's not what your home is.

Why move a partner into your child's home though? It's their safe space at home.

You can be in a relationship with a partner and live separately.

I had no idea some women set the bar so low and tolerated partners like this. It's the children that suffer in this toxic environment. So sad.