He wants me to go hard on my son

[Melanie1986]

Hi all, I need some advice. My children usually only see their father in the school holidays and live with me and my partner.
They got back tonight after spending a week there, we’ve had an unusually nice week after a recent rough patch, I was feeling hopeful that things had changed after not feeling particularly respected or happy for a while. I struggle with being made to feel like I can’t trust my own judgement and that’s why I’m posting I guess for honest advice.

My son who’s 11 has autism and does well having routines. He told me the week he’s been with his father he’s been left to his own devices which has been unlimited screen time and going to sleep at 4/5 am. So as you can imagine, it didn’t go down well when my partner told him to come off his things at half 11 and get in bed, I’d already agreed midnight with my son earlier on in an attempt to slowly get him back into a routine before school next week, my plan was to get him in bed an hour earlier each night. My son had a huge meltdown, woke his sister up, was screaming and banged his door shut. The only thing I can do in this situation is stay calm else it escalates. I told him calmly to get in bed, relax and told him he could watch some tv to wind down but the phone was now staying with me until tomorrow and I explained why. Things soon calmed down and son went to sleep.

My partner is now angry with me as he thinks I’m too soft on my son. He told me all I’ve done is calm the situation down until tomorrow when it all kicks off again. Yes he has a meltdown most days - I can deal with it however my partner can’t. He seems to think if I yell at my son and punish him it will stop his emotional outbursts but I know my son and it wouldn’t, it would just escalate. I’ve tried explaining this and he told me to go fuck myself and I always take my sons side. He called him a disrespectful little shit and I flipped, told him to go and sleep elsewhere. It’s not about sides but I’m getting sick of having to defend him and being told I’m being walked all over. I feel so unsupported and on my own again. Now the issue is much bigger than how it started.

I understand how hard it is for everyone to live with the meltdowns, my daughter in particular gets really upset with the commotion, I just don’t know what to do anymore. I feel I can’t win. But constantly having my partner having a go at me almost simultaneously at the same time as my son is getting too much for me, I understand the frustration but I’m not going to completely strip him of all his devices and ground him as he suggested for something he has no control over and I certainly won’t have him call my son names.

Struggling to see how to move forward if anyone has any advice please?

You are teaching your daughter that it's ok for her to stay with a partner who tells her to go fuck herself, and calls her child a little shit. Is that the sort of relationship you want for her?

Has your partner apologised for doing this? Or has he doubled down on how 'everyone' would do the same? At the very least this should be a Last Chance Saloon, he needs to attend anger management and parenting classes, and any - ANY - repetition of such behaviour needs to be the end.

Personally, having been in an abusive relationship before, I'd be done already.

You have no control over how your ex parents. You CAN control having a safe place in which to deal with the effects. Having someone in your home who believes your son is a little shit and has no respect for you is undermining that possibility.

I would be moving out. How dare he speak to you like that and to have such awful things to say about your son? He clearly dislikes him and your son is going to pick up on this whether you think he will or not.

I know your partner has supported you, and maybe you feel indebted to him, but he sounds like an absolute prick.

You're the parent, not him, and over my dead body would I allow a BF of mine to tell my son what to do. He's not his father and he needs to get back in his lane.

Your son will not forgive you if you allow this prick to continue trying to exert his control over him.

Sadly you have bad taste in men.
His father is also a complete wanker for allowing him up that late.
My autistic child at 11 was o my allowed an hour a day on screens of any sort as it disrupted their sleep and behaviour. I would look at reducing massively screen time in general.
I do agree with your current partner that screens to midnight is too much. Fine stay up reading or playing games but not stimulation like screens.

Completely disagree with all of this. There shouldn't be two parents in this house doing the parenting. Her BF is not a parent and he needs to keep his aggressive nose out of OPs parenting.

And thinking it's okay that he called this child a little shit, because he only said it to his mother? If a stranger on the street called your child a little shit would you tolerate it? I doubt it. So why tolerate it from someone who your son has no choice but to live with?

If he doesn't like living with autistic meltdowns, he can fucking move out. He sounds vile.

Good god, it just gets worse.

OP seriously, what are you doing to your children? Get rid of this drunk, abusive waste of space!!!

Would you be questioning this if your child was a wheelchair user? Would it be ok to come down hard and yell at him till he got up and walked?

Your child has autism, the world for him is hard enough. I bet there would be less meltdowns if he didn't have to live with a step parent and you could have a calm consistent approach to parenting.

Aggression aside, because I agree on that point.

Do you think that those of us who choose to commit to SENd parents should be happy to co-exist in a household with those needs, those behaviours and those escalations - but have no involvement in them? Be supportive of the parent, but otherwise shut up?

That’s completely unreasonable. It’s everyone’s home, and you either want support from your partner or you don’t.

I agree, there are far better ways to handle it, but not being entitled to an opinion or any involvement is too far IMO.

I think your Partner is right , staying with his Grandma and Dad is having a massive detrimental affect on your Son .
It sounds as if your dd would still be ok to stay but not your Son.
It sounds as if your Partner dropped the ball on this occasion, he’s understandably frustrated but could have handled it better.
Talk to him , would he go on an autism course , is there an autism support group you could access as a family ? They can be a brilliant way make friends and not feel so alone.

Puberty is hard but with autism….. reach out for support there’s always someone who has been through it and can offer advice. You just have to be brave and ask x

You mean you want to send the children to a father who hardly sees them and has no routine - which is hugely detrimental to a child with autism?All to placate a grown up man who hasn’t bother to learn about autism and how to deal with it?!?

That's crazy.

@SleeplessInWherever yes, I do believe he should have no involvement. He is not the parent, OP is. He is the OP BF and he should purely be there to support in those instances, not throw his weight around. If he doesn't like it, he can move out. He knows what he has signed up for with OP being the parent of an autistic child.

The damage that aggressive and controlling partners cause to children, and their relationship with their actual parent, long term can be devastating and this prick sounds like a prize arsehole.

Even if my Bf is the most wonderful caring man... he is not my DC father and he will have absolutely no say in how I raise my DC and he can like it or lump it. Unless my child is in imminent danger and needs to be told to stop doing something to save injury, any BF of mine would not be allowed to tell my child what to do.

Ah. It seems there's more to this. If you've posted before about this man @Melanie1986 and all that is true, then forget the joint autism training, and leave him.

Your ex is not looking after them properly so i would end the overnights there.

Your DP created the conflict by undermining what you had already agreed with your son - yes your son might have had a meltdown at midnight anyway, but the fact your DP moved the goalposts suggests either he doesn’t understand or he purposely aggravated the situation. If your DP cannot recognise that then he needs to go.

Why did he overrule you when you had already agreed 12? Is this a regular thing?

Regardless, anyone would only get the opportunity to tell me to go fuck myself once. There is a disrespectful shit in your house but it's not your son.

The whole set up is crazy tbh.

Good grief. You posted this only three weeks ago:

I’ve been spat at, pushed, threatened, called a skank, retard etc. Used my past against me when I’ve told him what I went though growing up. I did try to leave when the police were called but I went back because I felt I had no choice

This is a man whose behaviour to you resulted in the police attending.

I don't know why you're posting today as if this is a one off. Just leave.

It sounds to me like your ex deliberately did not keep to D's routine. He must know how important that is for an autistic DC. I'd be having a word with my ex. Could he be doing this deliberately to jeopardize your new relationship? I'd stick to normal times for ds at home and tell him this is time you usually go to bed. I'd tell your partner you will decide upon DS bedtime.

They got back tonight after spending a week there, we’ve had an unusually nice week after a recent rough patch,

So it sounds like when your children weren't around your partner was nice to you.

Your ex has created a problem but your current partner isn't helping at all. Looking at what he seems to be like on your previous posts (which others have copied & pasted) I think you need to get out of there or ask him to go.

This place is a fucking bin fire at the moment.

Awful men and abused women on every other bloody post.

I assume he does not see the irony in wanting you to punish the "emotional outbursts" out of your son and then getting angry and telling you to go fuck yourself? Only him - an adult - who's allowed the emotional outbursts then?

And having seen the updates regarding your other thread it seems highly likely that your son's meltdowns will reduce if you get rid of this horrendous abuser from all of your lives.

The ex's behaviour has triggered all this. Why is an autistic 11 year old who needs routine allowed to be left on devices until 5am? By the time he's back in a routine he'll be at the ex's again and the whole cycle continues.

He doesn’t understand Autism and is making things harder for you and your son so he has to go.

That would be true if the only time a problem arises is when the ds comes back home from staying with his father.

Which is absolutely not the case.

Read OP's previous posts. She's in an abusive relationship with this man

His sleep cycle would be screwed by the 5 a.m. bed times when his Dad and lying in bed awake fir hours would not be helpful and more stressful and make him less likely to sleep. You reset bit by bit not all in one go.

Your thread title raised my red flag radar a little, and ir was like a klaxon by the time I finished reading your post.

If you stay with him, you will have a never-ending battle over this. My Ex (fathered my DCs) was just like this, even though ND himself, refused to make any adjustments for the rest of us - everyone in our home is ND.

I was scared to leave, thinking 'how will I cope alone?' - even though I did all the housework & cooking & everything with children. Ex made no contribution to our lives or wellbeing.

Eventually we split - but the toll on our (mine & the DC) mental, physical & emotional health was high. Over 5yrs later we're still unpicking PTSD etc it says a lot that when we were asked to think of something we're thankful for at an event last week, one DC said "I'm thankful Daddy doesn't live with us anymore and I feel safe". Made me cry.

Only you know if this is something that can change (I don't live with you), but this isn't a positive way to manage ND behaviour - it's actually abusive because these behaviours are not down to wilfulness or manipulation- they are down to disregulation caused by a disability.

Although it was hard, in my situation I wish we'd split sooner. It would have been far better for my DC, and myself.