He wants me to go hard on my son

[Melanie1986]

Hi all, I need some advice. My children usually only see their father in the school holidays and live with me and my partner.
They got back tonight after spending a week there, we’ve had an unusually nice week after a recent rough patch, I was feeling hopeful that things had changed after not feeling particularly respected or happy for a while. I struggle with being made to feel like I can’t trust my own judgement and that’s why I’m posting I guess for honest advice.

My son who’s 11 has autism and does well having routines. He told me the week he’s been with his father he’s been left to his own devices which has been unlimited screen time and going to sleep at 4/5 am. So as you can imagine, it didn’t go down well when my partner told him to come off his things at half 11 and get in bed, I’d already agreed midnight with my son earlier on in an attempt to slowly get him back into a routine before school next week, my plan was to get him in bed an hour earlier each night. My son had a huge meltdown, woke his sister up, was screaming and banged his door shut. The only thing I can do in this situation is stay calm else it escalates. I told him calmly to get in bed, relax and told him he could watch some tv to wind down but the phone was now staying with me until tomorrow and I explained why. Things soon calmed down and son went to sleep.

My partner is now angry with me as he thinks I’m too soft on my son. He told me all I’ve done is calm the situation down until tomorrow when it all kicks off again. Yes he has a meltdown most days - I can deal with it however my partner can’t. He seems to think if I yell at my son and punish him it will stop his emotional outbursts but I know my son and it wouldn’t, it would just escalate. I’ve tried explaining this and he told me to go fuck myself and I always take my sons side. He called him a disrespectful little shit and I flipped, told him to go and sleep elsewhere. It’s not about sides but I’m getting sick of having to defend him and being told I’m being walked all over. I feel so unsupported and on my own again. Now the issue is much bigger than how it started.

I understand how hard it is for everyone to live with the meltdowns, my daughter in particular gets really upset with the commotion, I just don’t know what to do anymore. I feel I can’t win. But constantly having my partner having a go at me almost simultaneously at the same time as my son is getting too much for me, I understand the frustration but I’m not going to completely strip him of all his devices and ground him as he suggested for something he has no control over and I certainly won’t have him call my son names.

Struggling to see how to move forward if anyone has any advice please?

If my child was being a little shit, I would absolutely want to hear about it and would acknowledge it. Why wouldn't you?

They’ve been living together 6 years

She’s allowed to be a mother and have a life.

In this case, he’s turned into an angry child too. LTB.

She can still have a life and live separately from a partner.

I’m torn.

My DSs is 8, and has complex needs including autism. He’s been semi-verbal for about 2 years.

A lot of his behaviour is just that - behaviour.

As much as we all hate to admit it, some of it has intent - the intent of being in control and getting his own way. It can be really easy to excuse his behaviour with his needs or saying he doesn’t understand. He does understand what to do to stay in control of a situation - shout. He actually fake meltdowns to get a response.

We’re having to work really hard to teach him that life isn’t always on his terms. Gentle parenting him would just mean he ruled the roost, and/or shouted if he couldn’t. If we weren’t on the same page and using the exact same boundaries, it would be very difficult.

The way your partner spoke to you is disgraceful, but it can be really difficult to manage those situations and adults get overwhelmed too. I think you need to have a conversation about how you both want the home you share to look, and if that’s even possible.

Why should she?

Did you miss the bit where OP explained her ex had been letting him stay up to 4/5 am? The poor child is essentially jet lagged in his own country and suddenly going to bed seven hours earlier is not necessarily realistic. OP is trying to move bedtime earlier to reset it in time for school.

He is not going to make your life any easier in the future. Late at night is not the time to be having an argument and you sound like you did a great job in keeping calm. If your dp then calls you names, where is your support - you may as well be on your own!

What? I seriously wonder what is wrong with people these days.

Not sure why you quoted me to say that?

Totally agree with you.

Because when you have children their needs should be put first.

And this child needs a man who isn’t willing to understand his needs out of the house.

You know neither of these poorly educated men should be allowed to further damage your son.
It is clearly really impacting your ds whom needs safe and secure boundaries.

Explain to your son, this evening his gadget will be removed at 10pm. Set a timer and an alarm at 9.30pm to give him adequate warning. Slowly move his bedtime back to the normal time, and then reconsider whether your son staying with his father is actively damaging your child.

Your dp does NOT put your son to bed, or to get involved in parenting or he is out. Your poor children need care, educated parenting and support and neither of these men can offer that currently.

I could not have a partner who doesn't understand my child's needs, who calls them names, who deals with things in anger and wants to lay the law down. Fuck....that.

Please put your son first.

And put yourself first! I do not ever want a partner who tells me to go fuck myself. He wants to control the house with his rules and is using his anger to do it. I say again.....fuck ..that.

Thank you for the replies. I did say that I’d agreed to 12 o clock already, then my partner said ‘oh here we go again, I get no say in anything’, a bit of a power struggle. Then due to my son’s meltdown (clearly overly tired too) I did explain that I know I said later, but it’s best he comes off now. Phone usually comes off him at 9 at the latest but I need to work it back from him being used to the early hours now.

My son’s dad is very lucky that he sees his son at all. He kept him there for 13 weeks last year and used the fact that my son struggles at school as a ploy to keep him there promising him that he would home school him. He was refusing school most days with me at that point. I went to court and fought to get him back, I won residency, but It’s all had a devastating effect on my son, with both his health and his education. We’re left to pick up the pieces, I think this might be why it’s such a sore subject to my partner too as he doesn’t believe that I still let him go. He was my support through 3 months of hell and fought as hard as me to bring him home. I don’t want to stop my son from seeing his family but I think going forward I’ll have to figure out other contact.

I know my partner does care, but the way he’s being isn’t working. I need to figure this out and maybe move out. Or like suggested, do the parenting courses together which I’ll mention at his next EHA meeting. My daughter loves my partner and I also need to think about her too.

Brilliant advice given on this thread, no doubt, about parenting children with autism, etc. Has anyone thought of the 'beyond'? I.e. the wider world? And what will happen when the mum is no longer around? Will this child be expecting the world to bend to his needs, as in first it is 'parents learning to parent a child with autism', then 'friends learning to be friends of a friend of autism', then university tutors learning to teach a student with autism', etc. etc. Is it not better to work on a child as opposed to removing every obstacle to avoid a meltdown? OK, it is easy enough to remove your partner from the equation, but you can't remove all the obstacles. I think you need to spend more time with your child and condition him to behave or mimic the behaviour expected of people, if only for his life not to be totally miserable in the future.

Has anyone thought of the 'beyond'? I.e. the wider world? And what will happen when the mum is no longer around?

@Hwi do you have disabled children? This is pretty much ALL we think about.

I could not live with any man who told me how to parent my DC and indeed I didn't. My now DH moved in with myself and my 2 dc who were 12 & 13 at the time, within a few weeks I knew it would not work well us all living together. DH is 10 years older and had been there and done to and had adult DC and I could not stand him commenting on how my DC were parented and so he moved straight back out again. 7 years on and both DC have gone to Uni and only now are we contemplating moving in together. Your DS must come first here OP not your partner either do what I did or split for good.

He sounds like my loser of a step father....he wanted my mum but resented her kids....the way he talks about your son says it all. This is all too common.

Your son should not be with a parent that is actively damaging him. Neglectful parenting of a child with autism is disgusting. Your dp is right, he shouldn’t be going there at all. Perhaps your dp is sick of standing by and watching your hard work with your son being trashed over and over again with your ex? That you won’t listen when he says how bad it is for the child? Yes it is slipping into frustration and anger but how many years and how many times are you going to allow this to continue for?

If there is a contact order in place, she can’t exactly stop him going

Ask him if he did something you didn't like and you punished him for his feelings would that make suddenly just like it and do it?

The punishment is ds having to toe the line about coming off screens whatever his feelings about it.

So we have a neglectful ex, a violent partner, and a child with additional needs who isn’t being given consistent routines. Perfect.

Your ex has created a huge problem.
Blue screens are incredibly addictive especially for children. 4/5am and unlikely functioning as well during the day. This is the root cause of the issue. Your ex is attempting to destroy your current family.
You, your partner and your children are a team.