Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Partner is hesitant about marriage

222 replies

Caiti93 · 30/12/2024 00:13

So my partner and I have been together for 7.5 years. We have a 3yo and a 1yo together and have lived together for 5 years. We’ve spoken about getting married before and he’s always said he wants to one day in the future as a celebration of our love, not a promise now that we may end up breaking. I was fine with not getting married, until we had our second child. Both kids have his name because it was just what we did and I didn’t mind as I assumed we’d be married one day.

I’m Australian and was in the UK on an ancestry visa when we met. He’s a British citizen, so are both our boys by descent. We moved to Aus 4 years ago to have kids but it’s not worked out for his career so we are planning to move back to the UK as he is the sole earner while I’m at home with the kids while they’re young. I will get the ancestry visa again as it’s more straightforward than a spousal visa.

However, the other day I realised that whilst on this visa I will have no access to public funds. This was fine whilst I was there before because I could work full time, but now I’m not working it worries me. When I do end up working again it’ll be part time around kids and I’ll have had a chunk out of my career so my earning potential will be lower. I don’t have a degree and am already 3 years out of the workforce.

Anyway, I approached him and said how if we move over and I’m on a visa and anything happens - he dies, we split, gets sick, anything - then I’m kinda screwed. I’m not protected. We love each other and of course I want that to be our reason, but I also need some legal protection. For 5-6 years I’ll be reliant on him with no access to public funds or any family help as all my family is in Aus.

He agreed and said when we get to the UK we can start thinking about it as he does want to marry but not yet and his reasoning is because he doesn’t want to do what people tell him he should be doing and he doesn’t want the fuss of a big day and it’s all stupid bureaucratic bullshit.

So now I’m a bit unsure. If I go ahead with the visa and move I am just hoping that he doesn’t change his mind, or else I’m stuck there. If I tell him I won’t leave the country because I have more protection and support here, then I feel like I’m trapping him here. It’s the most unromantic way I ever wanted this to happen. I want to share my kids name and I want legal and financial protections should anything go wrong while I’m living in a foreign country.

I don’t know what to do. We can elope and do the legal stuff quickly and delay our trip by maybe a month, then do a celebration in the future if we want to. But he feels rushed and like it’s all too much as I (note I, not he) am doing passports and all the other paperwork and packing and visa etc for the move. To me it’s just one extra thing, but he brushed me off when I suggested doing it sooner (I have to renew my passport in 12 months anyway so it makes sense to me to just do everything in Aus now before we move because doing it later will be a faff and more money).

Anyway, sorry for the super long post. I’m a bit lost and I feel I can’t talk to anyone about this. I’m worried I’m being unreasonable and asking too much, but also that I’d be stupid for entering a risky visa situation.

OP posts:
ShortyShorts · 30/12/2024 00:16

his reasoning is because he doesn’t want to do what people tell him he should be doing and he doesn’t want the fuss of a big day and it’s all stupid bureaucratic bullshit.

And yet before I even clicked on the thread I thought "I bet she's going to say they live together and have children".

That's the reason (as so often is the case) that he doesn't want to get married.

He's got everything he needs already including all the security that you haven't.

Even if you still want to marry this selfish git, he may never agree to it.

ShortyShorts · 30/12/2024 00:17

And lol @ 'he feels rushed' after 7 and a half years and two kids 🙄

Iaminthefly · 30/12/2024 00:17

Do not move unless you are married

I can guarantee that if you do he will then find 5000 reasons why you can't get married yet

This man doesn't take you or your financial security seriously. If he did he would be on the same page as you regarding marriage. He clearly isn't.

RosieBurdock · 30/12/2024 00:18

I would stay where you have family and more protections. His excuses for not marrying are shit and annoying. If you married would it give you more protections in the UK? If so say you want a quickie wedding and won't go to the UK without that. Enough of his crap future faking excuses.

Iaminthefly · 30/12/2024 00:18

@ShortyShorts Yeah that had me rolling my eyes as well

There is no limit to the bullshit that comes out of these mens mouths.

JimHalpertsWife · 30/12/2024 00:20

Just say no to the move. Stay in Aus with the dc. He wants you and the kids to relocate for him but won't commit to you?

ShortyShorts · 30/12/2024 00:23

Iaminthefly · 30/12/2024 00:18

@ShortyShorts Yeah that had me rolling my eyes as well

There is no limit to the bullshit that comes out of these mens mouths.

And no limit to the women for whom marriage is important, setting up home and having kids, believing the bullshit coming out of the men.

If marriage is important (and it is to me), do it first and have the kids later.

TheSmallAssassin · 30/12/2024 00:23

Stay where you are until you are married. The time for romance is well past. If he's actually committed to you, then he would want you to be secure, not doing it because he's "being told to" is just childish - he has responsibilities now, why is he shirking them if you and your children matter to him?

FeliznaviDogs · 30/12/2024 00:25

First reply nailed it. I’d be dragging my feet to move back to the Uk. It feels like He was happy to settle down and have kids but he doesn’t want to risk marriage in case it goes wrong, he gets divorced, and you ‘take his money’. I realise he hasn’t actually said any of that, but does it sound like something he’d be thinking?

I’ve a friend who has been with her partner ten years. He’s divorced. She’d love to get married. He has said that as his first wife took him to the cleaners he will never again be in that position. But he was happy enough to have a child with her.

To her it’s a symbol of pure love and life long commitment - to him it’s a suffocating noose and potentially his money floating away.

I think you should protect your own financial position. Is this a deal breaker? If so, then explain to him and see exactly how important you are to him.

RosieBurdock · 30/12/2024 00:27

ShortyShorts · 30/12/2024 00:23

And no limit to the women for whom marriage is important, setting up home and having kids, believing the bullshit coming out of the men.

If marriage is important (and it is to me), do it first and have the kids later.

Show quote history

She can't send the kids back now and I'm sure wouldn't want to. Advising that isn't that helpful.

HeddaGarbled · 30/12/2024 00:28

Do you even want to move back to the U.K.? Where’s your family?

CandidHedgehog · 30/12/2024 00:29

I agree with the PPs. You need to bear in mind that if you split after moving to the UK, your chances of moving the children back to Australia without his permission are very low if not non-existent.

You could find yourself forced to leave the UK for financial reasons without the children.

Also, don’t you have rights as an unmarried partner in Australia? No such rights exist in the UK. At the very least, you need to make sure all finances are joint. Don’t let him persuade you that there are reasons your name shouldn’t be on the house / bank accounts. He also needs to be paying into a pension for you if you aren’t accruing rights to a UK pension via UK child benefit.

TomatoSandwiches · 30/12/2024 00:29

Like fuck would I be moving to a place i was that vulnerable.
Think about yourself for once like he has been for 7yrs and tell him what you won't be doing for him.
What kind of grown adult refuses to be told what to do when it's literally the only sensible action... he is a fucking toddler.

MolkosTeenageAngst · 30/12/2024 00:29

No way I would move to a country where I wouldn’t have full citizenship for the sake of a man who won’t marry to give legal protection. He’s obviously not going to do it when you get to the UK, he’ll keep stringing you along and you will be financially vulnerable and fully reliant on him. Stay in Australia unless he marries you and you can go to the UK with spousal rights.

ShortyShorts · 30/12/2024 00:30

RosieBurdock · 30/12/2024 00:27

She can't send the kids back now and I'm sure wouldn't want to. Advising that isn't that helpful.

Show quote history

Where was I advising that?

I think you missed that I was chatting with another poster.

Having said that, you'll know that there will be plenty of women reading this at some point, and it may or may not be helpful for them to think on 🤷‍♀️

Hummusanddipdip · 30/12/2024 00:30

Personally I'd say to him quick legal ceremony in Aus, you, him, the children and whatever the witness requirement is. Then you'll go back to the UK with him. Otherwise he can go alone and you'll stay in Aus with the children.

You know what you want and he's not fussed about it from your post.

Dh only married me because it was something that meant a lot to me, he couldn't care less about it. But he wears his ring and the I didn't expect.

BobbyBiscuits · 30/12/2024 00:31

Well, he's not going to marry you. You can't force him. If it means you'll be stranded with nothing then you should definitely seek employment asap. You need to make sure you've got some kind of 'fuck off fund'.

Original poster
Caiti93 · 30/12/2024 00:32

ShortyShorts · 30/12/2024 00:16

his reasoning is because he doesn’t want to do what people tell him he should be doing and he doesn’t want the fuss of a big day and it’s all stupid bureaucratic bullshit.

And yet before I even clicked on the thread I thought "I bet she's going to say they live together and have children".

That's the reason (as so often is the case) that he doesn't want to get married.

He's got everything he needs already including all the security that you haven't.

Even if you still want to marry this selfish git, he may never agree to it.

He does and tbh even though he hasn’t found the work here that he wanted, his side hustle has done so well and he’s been given the time and space to do that. As much as he would disagree because “he was killing it in London”, he’s benefited from all of this.
The rushing is more with the fact that I suggested a quickie wedding at the registry in Feb before I apply for my new passport and visa. He feels it’s too much to add to our plate which is already full of stress. But yeah 7 years and 2 kids, you’d think that’s a long enough test run on our relationship…

OP posts:
RosieBurdock · 30/12/2024 00:33

CandidHedgehog · 30/12/2024 00:29

I agree with the PPs. You need to bear in mind that if you split after moving to the UK, your chances of moving the children back to Australia without his permission are very low if not non-existent.

You could find yourself forced to leave the UK for financial reasons without the children.

Also, don’t you have rights as an unmarried partner in Australia? No such rights exist in the UK. At the very least, you need to make sure all finances are joint. Don’t let him persuade you that there are reasons your name shouldn’t be on the house / bank accounts. He also needs to be paying into a pension for you if you aren’t accruing rights to a UK pension via UK child benefit.

Good point. Please take note OP

ShortyShorts · 30/12/2024 00:35

Caiti93 · 30/12/2024 00:32

He does and tbh even though he hasn’t found the work here that he wanted, his side hustle has done so well and he’s been given the time and space to do that. As much as he would disagree because “he was killing it in London”, he’s benefited from all of this.
The rushing is more with the fact that I suggested a quickie wedding at the registry in Feb before I apply for my new passport and visa. He feels it’s too much to add to our plate which is already full of stress. But yeah 7 years and 2 kids, you’d think that’s a long enough test run on our relationship…

Show quote history

How is a a quickie wedding at the registry office that I'm assuming you'd be happy to quickly book, going to add anything to his 'plate'?

It's just another excuse.

They're getting weaker and weaker.

FuriousPoodle · 30/12/2024 00:36

He doesn’t want to get married. If you pressure him I think you’re going to regret it.

Are you sure you want to move halfway round the world for someone else’s career when that someone has told you he’s reluctant to commit to you? Why willingly put yourself in such a risky situation?

ClicketyClickPlusOne · 30/12/2024 00:36

I would simply refuse to move back without bring married. Married first. Not in his flaky promise.

Marriage is simply a legal and financial contract. And in your case a really important one. Any woman who is a SAHM and not married is without security, and the visa situation makes you especially vulnerable.

FFS, get him and his rebel scruples: he isn’t the one putting himself at risk in this partnership, is he?

OliveThe0therReindeer · 30/12/2024 00:37

Why would you move to the other side of the world and risk losing your children for a man who cares so little about you?

what do you think will happen if you move here and you split up ?

can you get a job that pays enough to support you and your kids?

What happens once your 5 years are up? What if you don’t earn enough to extent your visa? Can you apply for indefinite leave to remain?

You know that he can stop you moving back to Australia and taking the kids, don’t you ? Even if he hardly ever sees them and doesn’t pay child support.

2chocolateoranges · 30/12/2024 00:38

Not a chance I’d be leaving Australia and my support network if he isn’t willing to make that extra commitment.

hes bullshitting you saying that once you’ve moved you can get married. Stay where you have the family support.

Mallardoo · 30/12/2024 00:41

There are so many women on here who are not married and are completely screwed over when they split up. Whether their choice or not. And those are women that don’t have the added issues you have where you might not be able to stay in the same country as your children - or have access to benefits.

Even if he does marry you I wouldn’t go, he’d be doing it under duress and so doesn’t have yours or your children’s best interests at heart. The chances of you being able to return to Australia with the children aren’t that great to be honest. And you will have reduced earning potential. Don’t do it. Even if you were married, and he was a prince among men I would advise caution unless you both truly wanted the move.

Also, stop doing the paperwork, unless it’s to get the children’s passports and put them somewhere safe. It doesn’t benefit you.

Swipe left for the next trending thread