Partner is hesitant about marriage

[Caiti93]

So my partner and I have been together for 7.5 years. We have a 3yo and a 1yo together and have lived together for 5 years. We’ve spoken about getting married before and he’s always said he wants to one day in the future as a celebration of our love, not a promise now that we may end up breaking. I was fine with not getting married, until we had our second child. Both kids have his name because it was just what we did and I didn’t mind as I assumed we’d be married one day.

I’m Australian and was in the UK on an ancestry visa when we met. He’s a British citizen, so are both our boys by descent. We moved to Aus 4 years ago to have kids but it’s not worked out for his career so we are planning to move back to the UK as he is the sole earner while I’m at home with the kids while they’re young. I will get the ancestry visa again as it’s more straightforward than a spousal visa.

However, the other day I realised that whilst on this visa I will have no access to public funds. This was fine whilst I was there before because I could work full time, but now I’m not working it worries me. When I do end up working again it’ll be part time around kids and I’ll have had a chunk out of my career so my earning potential will be lower. I don’t have a degree and am already 3 years out of the workforce.

Anyway, I approached him and said how if we move over and I’m on a visa and anything happens - he dies, we split, gets sick, anything - then I’m kinda screwed. I’m not protected. We love each other and of course I want that to be our reason, but I also need some legal protection. For 5-6 years I’ll be reliant on him with no access to public funds or any family help as all my family is in Aus.

He agreed and said when we get to the UK we can start thinking about it as he does want to marry but not yet and his reasoning is because he doesn’t want to do what people tell him he should be doing and he doesn’t want the fuss of a big day and it’s all stupid bureaucratic bullshit.

So now I’m a bit unsure. If I go ahead with the visa and move I am just hoping that he doesn’t change his mind, or else I’m stuck there. If I tell him I won’t leave the country because I have more protection and support here, then I feel like I’m trapping him here. It’s the most unromantic way I ever wanted this to happen. I want to share my kids name and I want legal and financial protections should anything go wrong while I’m living in a foreign country.

I don’t know what to do. We can elope and do the legal stuff quickly and delay our trip by maybe a month, then do a celebration in the future if we want to. But he feels rushed and like it’s all too much as I (note I, not he) am doing passports and all the other paperwork and packing and visa etc for the move. To me it’s just one extra thing, but he brushed me off when I suggested doing it sooner (I have to renew my passport in 12 months anyway so it makes sense to me to just do everything in Aus now before we move because doing it later will be a faff and more money).

Anyway, sorry for the super long post. I’m a bit lost and I feel I can’t talk to anyone about this. I’m worried I’m being unreasonable and asking too much, but also that I’d be stupid for entering a risky visa situation.

He leftvit on read and will get to it later? So he’s back to the same delay tactics he uses when he doesn’t want to do something—like marry you. Once you see the pattern you can’t unsee it. He is manipulative and stonewalls you or brushes you off unless you do what he wants. I think you might benefit from reading “Why does he do that” or at least googling Lundy Bancroft’s website where you may be able to see the pff first free and take a test to identify the kind of wanker your wanker is. He sounds like a time waster and future faker in top of everything else.

I wouldn’t be stepping foot in the UK unless I was already married. Don’t be this man’s fool.

I just want to update this (although it may get lost amongst all these comments I never anticipated).
we’ve spoken this evening. I told him I won’t keep putting myself last and I won’t move and I don’t even want to marry now because I deserve more than having to provide a case on why. He should just want to. We had a big chat and he came back with the usual that it’s just work is so busy (he has two clients and is finishing his latest course) so everything’s been put on the back burner. I said I can’t keep allowing myself to stay on that back burner and I can’t keep doing this. I’ve struggled with rejection my whole life and now to have it from my partner really hurts. He said he’s going to stop his course because the deadline for going to the UK doesn’t exist now that we aren’t going so it’s time to focus on me and getting me back to feeling more like myself because I have lost myself over the last few years.
He seems more serious now than he has before but I’ve also heard some of this before so I am skeptical. I proposed we split childcare responsibility and working since his work is flexible we could each do part time of each. Well now he thinks that’s a good idea so if I want I can get a job and he says he will care for the kids, so I have something for myself.
Its late now and I’m going to sleep. I don’t know what tomorrow will bring but I want to say thanks to everyone for commenting. I’ve never seen so many people agree so strongly about something!

Anyway, I’m not moving, that’s the most important thing. Whether we continue or not is yet to be seen but at least I’m safe here.

What I'd be worried about is being able to leave the UK and take the kids back to Aus with you if the relationship doesn't work. You could get stuck here with no recourse to public funds if he gets a PSO stopping the kids leaving the country once they are residence here. I think you are better staying where you are. You have access to funds and family support. Moving here is purely for Jim and his career. It's all about him. It would leave to vulnerable, reliant and realistically stuck here.

Much, much, love to you OP. Continue to work on yourself and value yourself. Maybe he can learn to respect and cherish you or maybe he’s just faking a little harder to keep you sweet. But independence and self respect and self love are muscles, like any other. The more you exercise them the stronger you will get.

Its a very, very, odd fact that the higher a value you place on yourself and the less bullshit and disrespect you tolerate the better your friends and partners become. Think of it like being strong and confident enough to play on the A team. Everyone wants to play with someone strong and self confident—you draw strength from playing with players you respect and can rely on and they draw strength because they rely on you.,

you may end up walking away from this partner but if you do it because you choose better for yourself, and hold those standards dear, your next partner will choose you precisely because he sees how fabulous you are. Love yourself! You deserve it!

Well done. That’s a great update. You’ve done a brilliant job of looking after yourself. Only time will tell what will happen next for you.

People do change but usually only when not changing makes things less comfortable than changing will. It sounds as though that’s happened for you and you’re thinking about the right things now. Your partner may come along with you (in which case, your relationship continues… I still recommend this needs to be in Australia for you) or he may not.

All the very best for 2025.

Great update OP.
I hope you and your family have a lovely 2025 in Oz

I was going to echo what others have said about being in such a vulnerable position in the UK as the lower earner and not married. Plus the likelihood that once the children were in the UK, then you would be unlikely to be able to move them back to Australia without his permission, even if you couldn’t afford to stay in the UK.

I’m so pleased that you have reconsidered and told him that you will not be moving. A brave move to confront the reality now, but based on your updates it sounds you have likely avoided a much worse scenario later down the line.

Good work, OP. You're taking the first steps in being more assertive and taking back control of the situation. I would recommend you stay in Oz even if he does marry you. The stories of "Hague mothers" (trapped overseas in countries they don't want to live in/miserable marriages, or forcibly parted from their kids) are absolutely terrifying.

(Digression, but surely this aspect of the Hague Convention needs reform? I can see that in the case ofsaya teenager at secondary school who has been in the "new" country for several years and has exams coming up over the next few years, it may make sense to say "This adolescent should remain in their new country for the next few years until they finish mandatory education." But you hear stories of judges deciding that tiny children who have been in the "new" country for a few months should remain there in the event of a split - who decided these rules and shouldn't there be some changes?)

Well done op, good decision, good start. Unfortunately I don’t think you can trust this man. You must protect yourself and your children. He is taking the piss and like many women you have let him.

@oakleaffy I know, drives me crazy too.

Well done you! Clients at work should be totally irrelevant to when it comes to wanting to marry someone. You’ve done the right thing. And now if he is serious then he’ll have plenty of time for you to get married without the moving so no excuses. But as you say - even if you wanted to now!

Fantastic update, enjoy your time calling the shots now op.

Great update, well done.
As an aside, your partner also accepted (probably through ignorance) that he could get stuck in Aus. & not be able to take his children back legally to the UK without your authorization....
Double sided sword

Well done mate, stay strong.

The worst thing for me would be the fact that once you are in UK, if you split up, you would not be allowed to move your kids back home without his permission. You could end up with no money, nowhere to live and you are likely will have to leave your kids with him - or will be his virtual prisoner and slave. There are countless posts on here form women in this position.

But I think the marriage is not the biggest problem here. He clearly is not a reliable and supportive partner. You can make him marry you but I would be more concerned with him being so flaky and non-committal - he obviously thinks there is a chance he will leave you at some point.

Stay in Australia, honest.

Edited: good update. Get a job and carve a place out for yourself, both mentally and financially.

Good for you op. Keep up the good work and valuing yourself. I notice he has taken no responsibility, just said you've lost yourself.

Well done OP.
Don't let him end up being the primary carer though! I don't know anything about cohabitation protections in Aus but might be worth checking.

People find time to do what’s important to them. OP you’ve every right to be concerned. You will have no safety net and it’s a red flag he’s being so hesitant. You know this already so apologies for being Captain Obvious.

Good luck OP! Hope things work for you.

If women here are not as kind as you may want, it's also because there's an element of exasperation at yet another woman in the same scenario. Some have lurked or posted here for years and seen the same things play out time and time again. It's like men are given a playbook or script. For all the world goes on and on about women being gold diggers - it's usually women being played by men.

Just read the update. Well done OP. Rejection is a horrible blow. Hopefully now he will (quickly!) decide what he wants as longer he leaves it more chance as you say you’ll tell him to forget it. Good luck. 🍀

Good for you @Caiti93 , I hope you get the relationship you want now x

Fuck me he’s such a low life dog. He doesn’t want to risk ANYTHING being lost for himself (in a split) but happy to leave you high and dry in a country across the world. He’s a dog

Sensible decision.

Rushing him my arse. He's got two fucking kids and plans to buy a property with you.

Well done OP. I know it hurts but you should be proud of yourself. You will laugh at all of this in some time. What an idiot of a man child.

Well done for taking back control